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The Death Of A Marriage


kayc

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I got rid of John's trailer yesterday, my son hauled it off, another guy took it...it was such a mess, I can't believe anyone would want it, even to fix it up, but all the stuff is there and the heating, air conditioning, appliances, everything works, it just needs new flooring and wall repair in the kitchen and bathroom, and then everything reinstalled. I had weather protected the cabinets so they all survived the winter. It felt like such a relief to see it go, now I won't have that constant reminder in my face! PTL!

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  • 2 weeks later...

It just keeps coming...last night I spoke with the company that repaired John's car...the one I paid for, the one I kept paying insurance on, the one I signed over to him in the divorce...since he never transferred the title like he was supposed to, they said I need to pay the deductible on his insurance claim or they'd file a lien in "the registered owners' names" (me and John). It just keeps coming, he knows the law, that's why he withheld paying the deductible, he knew I wouldn't want a lien blemish on my record. Today I am paying to ship his tax records to him because my attorney says I have to furnish them, so there goes another $12. It's always something. I'm still paying on his phone, will have to through July. Meanwhile he gets away with everything, and I never deserved any of this, I just don't get it. People say there'll be justice...Where? When? I don't see it. This guy breaks my heart and takes me for everything he can and legally it's fine. It's worse than any crime anyone ever served time for except murder, yet, he doesn't serve anything for what he's done to me...apparently if you marry the person they can do whatever they want to you. How long does this go on? Is there no end in sight? I can't afford any more attorneys and don't see that they do any good anyway, what they do best is bill you. Shoot, he's got my groceries and gas money for the next week now!

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Can you not contact the state and have your name taken off the title since you signed it over to him?

I know you loved this man but right now I'm so angry with him I'd like to come out there and smack him. I'd probably have your luck and end up in jail for battery.

I still think in the end you'll get your justice, because eventually somebody will figure out a way to get even with him. You may not get anything financially but just knowing that someone finally out smarted him should be gratifying (maybe it will be the bimbo, who knows).

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No, it doesn't work that way, I've spoken to an attorney and to several with the DMV, apparently there is a loop in our law that does not address this scenario. It is scary to realize how vulnerable we all really are, if we come across the wrong person with the wrong motives...all I can really do is pray God will handle it, protect me from anything really bad happening, and wait for his karma to come back to him. I doubt the bimbo will outsmart him, she doesn't have it in her, but it could be that his dealings with her will be his ultimate undoing. It's just hard to believe that people like this exist in the world. I was reading about Maddoff and how he swindled so many people, and the victims want him to feel sorry for what he's done and be responsible...and I almost laughed out loud at the futility of their thinking, because what they are wanting is not possible...there are those people in the world that have no conscience and will never care what they have done to people. If you plead with them, they will think you an inferior weak little being who deserves what you got, you see, they have different values than the rest of us, and we can't expect them to abide by our standards...but oh how I surely wish our law would make them account for it all the same! Even if they never do "get it".

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So here I am, going along, thinking I'm doing pretty well, and all of a sudden I get hit with incredible inner pain last night on my way home from Choir Practice...I bawled all the way home, feeling the most incredible broken heart, wondering how long I am going to be feeling this. Here he is, going his merry way with someone else, having a gay old time, and here I am, alone, always alone, rejected, hurt, done bad in the worst way, and I didn't deserve it, none of it, yet it's what I get all the same. And I miss him. Lord help me, I don't know why, after all he's done to me, all he's put me through, I still miss him and it hurts. I remember how we used to share our weekends, he'd come down and we'd have a special dinner, and it was always wonderful seeing each other again...I miss all of our good times together, riding the Harley together, and it hurts. Does he ever miss me? Does he ever feel pain? Probably not. Somehow that doesn't make me feel better. And this woman that took him from me, she ends up with him. They get to drive the car I paid for, they got to enjoy the motorhome I paid for, they get to use the things I bought for John when we were married...they visit the people we used to visit, the friends we had...and I am just odd man out. How is that? When is it going to stop hurting?

I have to add...I don't want him back, I can't go back as if none of this ever happened and I could never trust him again. I just wish it hadn't happened, that it could have had a different outcome. I don't wish bad for him, I just wish life was more fair, that those who pour their hearts and souls into their mate, into their marriage and do their very best, could have a wonderful marriage and loving spouse as a result.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Yesterday I spoke briefly with John and then realized I had nothing to say to him. I'd still like answers, how he could do all this to me, but I guess I realize no answers will be forthcoming and don't really want to hear any more of his lies and B.S., so don't bother going there, it's pointless with a liar. I feel like I carry around a kind of a sadness deep inside of me now. Will I ever be able to fully trust again? I think it'll be harder, maybe slower, more cautious, but I think if a person is totally different than John, stable, good track record, spiritual...then I think I could...am not sure I'll ever find a person I want to go there with or not though. So...I walk my dogs and do the laundry and sing in the choir and go to work and this is what my days are made of now.

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In my Bible Study we have been talking about Love and Acceptance and also showing love to our enemies. So many people have told me what I should do (or what they would do) to John, and I hate to disappoint them, but it's not my way. I scanned all of his important documents and emailed them to him so he can easy access them from a friend's or library. I UPS'd his business records to him so he could file his taxes. It's been several months now and he never came back for the rest of his belongings, and I won't store them forever, but I will keep important momentos (his letters from his daughter, things from his deceased father, etc.) for him, the rest I guess I'll have to donate to Goodwill or throw away. I don't claim to understand or agree with anything he did to me, but neither do I intend to retaliate. I'll leave him to God to deal with and continue to pray for him to come to God sometime before he dies. I doubt he has anyone else showing him Christian witness, being as that's not the type of person he hangs out with. I may be the only Christian witness he ever sees. What I am doing is not a put on, it's heartfelt. I still love him, I can't explain why, maybe God has laid him on my heart for this purpose, to point him to Him. I do not intend to let him further use me, I am no longer his wife, but I don't intend to be mean to him either.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Kay,

You are an incredible witness to the grace of God. You're right; he probably doesn't see that every day. A lot of us don't.

Keep on shining, my friend!

Kath

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Today I woke up to the sounds of birds singing and my first thought was, John won't be here to hear them again, and he won't see the hummingbirds come to feed. Why does that thought make me so sad when it apparently doesn't him? I guess because I was invested and he wasn't. I keep wondering when this pain will go away. Why do I mourn someone who everyone tells me wasn't worth it? Does he never think of me? Apparently not.

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Dear Kay - I don't think it matters what "everyone" says - your feelings are your feelings, and you are well entitled to them. This is still a grieving process for you, except there is a betrayal added to the mix. I hope that one day you can hear the birds singing, and watch the hummingbirds feed, and hear and enjoy them in your own soul, without this hurtful feeling. Hugs and peace to you, my friend, Marsha

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Marsha, thanks, you just validated my feelings when everyone else keeps discounting them. I just got an email from a friend chiding me to live in the present. I told her in the present it's a gorgeous day and I'm stuck inside and my boss just signed power of attorney for me to deal with the IRS instead of him (that sucks) and the ESB wanted me to fax three years' worth of taxes that I'd already mailed to them (I had to babysit the fax machine for an hour), the DMV sent back my applications refuting everything they previously told me and when I called them twice more to clarify it, I got two different answers, imagine that! And my boss wants me to put together a 40 day projection report and everyone wants everything right now! Now why, with all that going on, would I even want to be in the present! I was supposed to have a vacation day and just had to cancel it. Oh well, hopefully there will be nice weather another time...

All that is superfluous, my real issue is that this recent past IS still my present until such time as I've been able to work through my grieving process over this man and our marriage, our life together. Some people think because we were only married two years and didn't live together, it wasn't a big deal, but I shared 3 1/2 years of my LIFE with him, and I don't go halfway with anything! I know in my brain it will eventually get better, but right now...it's just tough. I miss him with an ache inside of me that just doesn't quit. Yes I know he doesn't deserve anything...but our human emotions sometimes have little to do with deserving or what our brains tell us...they're more about just surviving what is thrown at us and getting through it. Grieving is such an up and down process!

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A couple of days ago, John called just to chat and said he'd be stopping through here and take me to lunch in a couple of days...of course he won't, he never follows through on things, but the odd thing is, just a few months ago my heart would have quickened and beat...and now, I figure, what's the point? He's no longer a part of my life. It's sad, but it's so. This man that was my husband, my world...

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But know he's in your past world, Kay, even though your feelings are still so present. Are you upset because you aren't reacting the way you would have done before, because that same feeling isn't there? The memories of your love for John, and the good times you had with him are there in your heart - they're not going anywhere. But the present and the actual going-on-right-now, that's self preservation for you. I hope this doesn't come off as being too harsh - I don't know John, but I care for you. Love, Marsha

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Marsha,

I'm not sure I'm following you. I'm just recording what I'm going through at the moment. It is more an acknowledgment that I am moving on, adjusting to the changes in my life and the realization that he was/is not someone to be counted on. No, I'm not upset that I no longer feel or respond to him as I once did, I am glad about that. Getting over someone is a process and very necessary. He is holding less allure for me all the time, in fact, I may be over him, but not necessarily over the damage he did. It's made it hard for me to trust and I've had to change how I respond and put some safeguards into place so I don't end up in this situation again. It hasn't exactly done wonders for my self-esteem, but others have paid heed to me since so that's kind of helped, but I'm trying to learn to realize my value whether anyone else recognizes it or not instead of relying on feedback from a man.

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Kay - I just re-read my post and I wasn't sure what I was saying either! (LOL) I guess I just wanted to tread really carefully and not say anything that would upset you. It sound like you've peaked that emotional mountain and are coming down stronger on the other side. I think you've shown a remarkable amount of strength in doing so. That's what I wanted to say! I understand about realizing our own value. I know I tended to define myself by my marriage, my job, etc. Now I've tried to cut that loose and know I'm just defined as me. Love, Marsha

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It sound like you've peaked that emotional mountain and are coming down stronger on the other side. I think you've shown a remarkable amount of strength in doing so.

Well put, Marsha...I second that. Cheers to you, Kay!

Kath

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Yesterday I had to go to Beaverton, which is near Portland, where John lives. So many memories, so much pain. I didn't actually go into Portland, I don't know if I can ever do that again, but even just being up there, where the exit to our old place was, it's hard. When does this pain go totally away? I know it will eventually, but how long? At least I didn't cry, but my heart hurt.

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Places are tough. They hold memories and shared times and they can hurt one minute and bring happy thoughts the next. I work really close to where we lived for 23+ years. I realized that living where I am now, has been pretty safe from reminding me of "our time" other than our home , which is wall to wall Bob. We'd only lived here for three years before he died, then he had been so very tired for most of it and really ill for the rest, so he didn't have a chance to even get to know anyone here. I have lots of friends, because I was the one running kids around. So it is a good place for me and I thought I was handling things pretty well most of the time, and then suddenly, I found myself in my old town, with all those years of "us" all around me. Grief comes in wave after wave after wave. I don't know, Kay, when it will stop hurting. I think it may go on forever, we just get better at living with it. We sort of mutate to the present or something.

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Well I spoke too soon...I cried all the way to work this morning. I guess just seeing that exit was a huge trigger...I thought I'd be spared all that since I was going into Beaverton instead of Portland, but that was not the case. Oh well, I guess with each cry is a little more cleansing...

You're right, places are a huge hit...maybe that's why he hasn't come home to Oakridge since he left me.

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Intellectual,

I think strength is a choice, and I'm certain you've exhibited it already in your life, having faced so much adversity. There are times we don't feel strong or feel like having to be strong, but we have to go forward anyway, because what is the choice, really?

I hope and pray you make it through this hurdle and find happiness...

Kay

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  • 4 weeks later...

Well, my ex lost his cell phone so had to get his own account, of course, I'll still be paying his account until mid-September, but at any rate, everything is separated now. The only final thing left is to send the rest of his stuff to him and I still don't have an address...it's apparent he isn't going to pick it up after all this time. I guess I should give it to Goodwill or throw away what isn't essential, and maybe mail his daughter's letters and dad's stuff to him c/o his mom or somewhere. I don't see why I should hang on to it forever.

It still hurts, what he did to me, I still miss him, but it's getting lesser as time goes by, I don't cry as often as I used to. I still wish I could understand how/why he did what he did to me, it'd help bring closure, help me learn from it, but I guess answers aren't forthcoming, esp. since he lies so much. It still all seems like a really bad dream and I wish I could wake up from it and have him there beside me, holding me, none of it real, but it's reality and I've had to face it, unpleasant as it's been. My credit dropped over 70 points, trying to clean up from him, but I'll build it back again, it'll just take time.

I've pretty much adjusted to being alone for the most part, it's not like he was there much in our marriage as it is. The only thing I wish for at this point is that it would stop hurting. Just stop hurting...

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Kay, there is no advice I can give you, but I really wanted to add a reply to say that you are an amazing caring giving person. To have gone through what you have, then be brave enough to give your heart to someone again shows your strength of character and faith in humanity. There is NOTHING wrong with you at all. Please do NOT let him make you feel like that Kay. I am so sorry that this has happened ... I wish that he had cherished you because you deserve that and I think he is mad and will regret it sorely in the future, but I know that won't make you feel any better right now. And I wanted to say a huge thank you for all the advice that you have given me ... really good truthful advice that I respect and that I respect you too. It shows what a loving person you are that you were going through all of this and still you make the time to help others. I truly am sorry that you are hurting this much, you don't deserve it. Be strong when you can.

Sending you love and hugs

x

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Boo,

Thank you for your caring response. I'm trying everything I know to move past this, it just takes time, like all grief...time, that four letter word! There's similarities in grief through death and grief through divorce yet differences too. I don't know why it's taking so long for me to get over John, he treated me so badly, but I hope in time to move past this.

Kay

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Dear Kay,

With John, I think you are not only mourning what wasn't, but what it should have been. I don't see a big difference between what we've experienced and what this divorce has done to you, other than the fact that he continues to hurt you in person (so to speak.) It is a tough thing to go through. Please treat yourself with the patience and comfort you bestow on others new to this journey.

Did you say you are dating again? That is a courage I long for, but don't think I have. My friend was trying to assess my "type" this evening. I think this town is too small to even consider it, but I'd like to hear more from you. I sure miss having someone to rehash my day with.

Your friend,

Kath

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