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"god Won't Put You Through Something You Can't Handle&quo


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#1 emptyinside

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Posted 21 January 2009 - 12:39 AM

I'm having a lot of trouble with this. What about stories about people who have killed themselves out of unbearable anguish after losing parents, spouses, children? Are they just weaklings for being unable to handle it? What about children who suffer atrocities and are murdered? Are they handling it? Is this some perverse "test your strength" test? Because I feel like I'm on fire (and not in the positive and metaphorical sense). Every second is hard, and it's getting harder and harder. The pain I feel for my lost loved one, the nightmarish flashbacks running through my head...it feels like I am him. I'm not only feeling grief as myself; I'm also feeling the pain as though I'm him. I hurt so much whenever he's in pain. I'd take a bullet for my dad. I never, ever want him to feel anything but happiness and comfort. I'm not handling this situation now. It's too hard.

#2 AnnieO

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Posted 21 January 2009 - 06:48 AM

I am so sorry you are having such a hard,hard time right now.
Have you been to your doctor? I really think you should see your doctor or a grief therapist. Lots of us have taken medications , especially at the beginning. It might be helpful. After my parents died, I went thru a period of time where I could not shut off the horrible, ugly thoughts. They all raced thru my brain constantly and I couldn't stop them. My therapist helped me so much, I had to learn how to stop the thougths and think about other things. It seems like we discussed a medication that could help me with this, but I was able to turn it around with time. It was becoming almost an obsessive/compulsive thought process, it consumed me. It was stopping me from healing.
I just read a book called The Shack, have you read it? Its one of thosee books that when I finished it , I wasn't sure what I thought about it. If you have read it I would be interested in hearing your thoughts.
Please hang in there. Your dad wants you to live. You are not alone.

#3 walter/Erica

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Posted 21 January 2009 - 08:33 AM

Hi Annie

I read The Shack this weekend and it had quite an impact on me..I identified so with Mack and his anger and blaming God for losing Missy. It will be 2 years in March since I lost my husband and have been blaming God. I have now been challenged to forgive God and stop blaming Him. I also did not ( still do feel a little) feel God does not love me ,as he wouldnt have allowed Walter to die if He did and Because I think He doesnt love me , I cant trust Him with my future..... I love God and am busy praying thru this. My prayer is that God will just show me His love in a tangible way very soon. I am dealing with the aftermath of grief now, the loneliness, the not having anything to look forward to etc...But I would suggest the book for people who are grieving. Love Erica

#4 mlg

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Posted 21 January 2009 - 11:52 AM

EM & Erica
Remember the saying, If He brings us to it, He will bring us through it. I know it is hard for all of us to "trust" God again when we feel He has taken the most important parts of our life away. I too am having a hard time this week and I just keep asking Him to help me through it and I know He will. Sometimes I ask if I'm not opening my heart and mind to Him enough but my heart is so broken right now and my mind is still in anguish. I know He understands and right now He is just giving me the strength to put one foot in front of the other.
Just hang on.
Mary Linda

#5 STARKISS

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Posted 21 January 2009 - 12:47 PM

Hi All,

Since I have gone back to church I realize that God is there for us when we need it and He really knows what we can honestly handle... I was doubtful before because I did not think He was there when both my parents died so close together but I started to pray and my Pastor visited me a few times and I went through a tough time of doubting His love but I now realize God is there and I pray everynight thanking Him for what He has done for me especially since I have started my Grief Journey... Shelley
Take care and God Bless You Shelley

#6 kayc

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Posted 21 January 2009 - 04:43 PM

I would say the first year after George died I had a hard time praying and it felt like my connection to God wasn't there, but eventually I realized God was there all the time and just waiting for me to be ready...I now pray and my faith is strong, but it feels different than before, more like I'm going on faith, which is, of course, what He wants us to do. Sometimes the lack of "feelings" shows HIS faith in us to be able to continue in their absence.
I don't know about the strong enough to handle things...I only know we don't get a choice, we have to keep going, no one asked us if we wanted to. If we don't feel we can keep going, we need to ask Him for more help.
Being angry with God is common in grief...He knows that, He is, after all, the one who made us, so He is quite capable of taking our anger and is patient with us until such time we can deal with Him in another way. I would say though that it's not good to stay in the anger stage indefinitely, and if it is prolonged, it might be good to get help with it.
Don't be afraid to talk to your doctor and your clergy, or a good therapist. They might be able to point you in a healthy direction that might be difficult to find on your own. Just posting or venting is a good step!
We WILL meet again! ...my Soulmate, my best friend, thru all time

#7 AnnieO

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Posted 21 January 2009 - 06:46 PM

Erica,
The book really surprised me. It really made me think about so many things. The funny part is, I bought the book, not knowing anything about it and thought it was a mystery type of book. So when I say it surprised me, it really did! I have actually gone back and re-read parts of it. I thought it was very powerful.

#8 Russell

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Posted 21 January 2009 - 07:35 PM

I know what you are going through. Ilost my mother Sept.8, 2008. Since than everything is going wrong. Than my aunt die Dec.21, 2008. 2 in one year. I can't take it any more. I'm so tired of people telling me God does not give you more than you can handley. I just can't take it any more. All I want to do is die. I can't find the help I need. each day is getting worst the day before. I just don't know what to do.
God Bless,
Russell

#9 leeann

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Posted 21 January 2009 - 08:21 PM

As far as the God doesn't give us more than we can handle... I know the feeling..and have wondered exactly how strong He thinks I am at times... but..
I am prone to add to that statement: "Without His help". He gives us nothing we can't handle without His help.
And I keep in mind that His help can come in many forms.. including other people.

I think anyone who feels that they need some help, should seek it.
Russell you seem so comfortable with your Pastor..go to talk to your Pastor about who you can seek help from. Also your Doctors will definitely be able to guide you to help as well. Or you can also call the local hospital & ask for a referral for some help. The help is there.. you just may need some help finding it and that's ok.. just ask for it.

leeann



#10 mlg

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Posted 21 January 2009 - 11:08 PM

Russell, is there a Mental Health Clinic there or a hot line you can call that might be able to tell you wheree to go? Ours is based on income if you don't have much money. Hope this helped some.
Mary Linda

#11 emptyinside

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Posted 22 January 2009 - 12:58 AM

I'm seeing people about this, but it's not helping. I miss him too much. I haven't read The Shack, but I'll try to check it out.

If God brings us to it, He will bring us through it? I just can't reconcile these strings of thought right now. How can I realize God has always been there? It seems like a cop-out to me. Someone is taken away, God doesn't answer why, so in this silence we arrive at the thought that God is always there -- just to make ourselves feel better. It's like an ostrich sticking its head in the sand. We get no reason. We get no what-for. We get nothing. But in this non-response we're supposed to say, "God loves us and is always here." How about horrific news stories on TV all day? Children raped and murdered. The elderly killed by hit-and-run drivers. People tortured. What about the parents of the children? Are they supposed to go, "Thank you, God, for letting my child get raped and murdered." And the loved ones of the elderly, "Thank you for letting my loved one lie in the street like discarded meat. I know it's a lesson of some sort."

I know people who admit to me they're not close to their fathers, never really venture to know them or care to. They see them once in a while for dinners, but they don't really adore their fathers. They love them in the obligatory, I-have-to way. And their fathers are fine. Living life. But what about me? I, who adore my father, whom I deem the most important in my life? He's taken away. And I have to listen to friends who tell me they just ate dinner with their fathers, or moan about how their dads are annoying. I'd gladly have my life shortened to only a couple more years if that means I can spend them with dad. I have been praying nightly ever since I was little for God to protect my dad. I don't care if something bad happens to me. If I lose my sight, become disfigured, lose my legs, whatever...that's okay. Just don't take him. I knew what I valued. I didn't value prestige, money, etc. I valued family. And now I have to watch everyone I know with their dads, some of whom I know for a fact don't really appreciate them. When I was little, I watched a really sad movie about a dad who dies. I was so scared that I made it a point from that day on to never let a fight or argument last more than a day. I made a point to always apologize and hug him, never letting him go to sleep angry. I made a point to thank God every night for protecting my family another day.

If God knows what everyone can handle, then how about those people who have killed themselves over grief? It's not that these people are just lazy drama queens who just gave up for lack of trying. These are people in so much pain that every second of life seems unbearable for them. These are people completely broken by it, though they don't want to be. You know, when some people with painful illnesses finally die, people say it's somewhat of a relief because the quality of life was so low and he or she was suffering so much. That's why people do DNRs. What about emotional pain? What happens when emotional pain lowers the quality of life so much that the suffering is ceaseless? I'm sorry, but I don't believe that everyone has the disposition to handle this -- just like some people are not the leader type, some people aren't the public speaking type, some people aren't Type A, some people aren't the wallflower type, some people aren't the athletic type, some people aren't singers -- well, some people aren't the type to handle traumatic grief. I see a lot of people are strong, and I commend and admire them, but I'm obviously not one of them.

#12 kath

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Posted 22 January 2009 - 04:13 AM

I understand the saying as "God won't give you more than the two of you together can handle." It takes work, but I have found that when I seek Him, it gets better. It doesn't change the realization that someone we loved deeply is gone, but I have found comfort from the kindness of strangers. I don't think that is because of something random but because of something related to my seeking. He hears us and answers, but we have to look for Him. Kath
"Perhaps they are not stars in the sky, but rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy."--- Eskimo Legend

#13 mlg

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Posted 22 January 2009 - 06:30 AM

I have been praying nightly ever since I was little for God to protect my dad.


Maybe God did protect your dad. I too prayed that he would let Tom stay with me and he was on prayer lists all over the world and just got worse and died. When there are people saying they wouldn't miss their spouse (which really hurts me) how can he take Tom. While I wasn't happy with his decision and Tom did have some pain, I think our prayers helped keep him from having the excruciating constant pain a lot of pancreatic cancer patients have. Maybe that is how he "protected" your dad, by keeping him from suffering too much. Sorry to say none of us will know these answers until we too pass.

Your "anger" is also part of the grieving process and is normal. So just keep venting, and this too will pass. Can't tell you how long it will last because everyone is different.
Mary Linda

#14 Chai

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Posted 23 January 2009 - 12:26 AM

Dear emptyinside,

I believe that God loves us all and wishes us the best. He loves us, and hopes that we can love him, too. I cannot state something that is necessarily comforting, but I will say that in my belief, we who live on this earth are children of God, and our true place is with God in the spiritual sky. Those who leave us early are earlier gaining the embrace of God.

I don't think it's that God won't put us through something we can't handle...it's that, when we think of God amidst our pain, the pain becomes easier to handle. Because by thinking of God, we are taking shelter, and do not have to feel so alone.

In the book "I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye" by Brook Noel, the author says:

"...no matter how much pain we're in, there is something inside of us stronger than the pain."

I think this thing so strong inside of you, em, is love for your father. The love that you feel right now seems to be the source of all the pain, because if you were annoyed by your father like some people you know, you wouldn't feel so sad about losing him. But it is that very love for you which is a very, very strong force inside of you.

Keep venting and questioning. We are here for you!
"NATURE is what we see,
The Hill, the Afternoon—
Squirrel, Eclipse, the Bumble-bee,
Nay—Nature is Heaven. "

- from Poem XXXIV by Emily Dickinson


"Love yourself now for the hope you have. You wouldn't be working on yourself if you didn't have hope." - from John Bradshaw's <i>Creating Love</i>

A video for my dad: <a href=" target="_blank">

A memorial blogsite for my dad: <a href="http://loveandlights....blogspot.com/" target="_blank">http://loveandlights...ogspot.com/</a>

#15 kayc

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Posted 25 February 2009 - 05:31 PM

I think it's best not to give cliches to people, they usually fall flat and miss their mark. Sometimes we're not in a state to receive something anyway. When I lost my husband it was very hard for me to hear "God does not give you more than you can handle"...usually quoted by someone who hadn't been through it and didn't know what I was going through. I agree with Kath that it is something He wants to handle WITH you, yet in the beginning I don't think I was even ready for that. In looking back, nearly four years later, I did get through it, but handle? I'm not sure I always handled it right at all, I made mistakes, I didn't have a grief manual to always tell me what to do or how. But I did get through it with the help of a lot of friends here...and yes, God was there in the background, all the time, and wanted to help me. You are right, there are a lot of people out there that don't seem to be able to handle it, otherwise, why would they commit suicide or have breakdowns? Maybe it's not that we can't bear it so much as we don't want to...I know I sure didn't feel like bearing it when it hit me. Instead of cliches, wouldn't it be nice if people would listen, invite you over, help out with something tangible like fixing something around the house or lifting something heavy that you can't? Wouldn't it be nice if they'd say, "call me any time day or night" and mean it? Wouldn't it be nice if they'd sometimes just give you a hug, knowing it might be the only hug you get? Wouldn't it be nice if they'd watch your pets some weekend or include you in their plans on holidays? And skip the cliches...
We WILL meet again! ...my Soulmate, my best friend, thru all time




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