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Why Can't I Cry?


ana

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My only sibling and big brother passed away 6 months ago - he was 30 years old.

I use to be able to cry. I mean, I use to cry at work when things got stressful and I would cry after fighting with friends or cry if I were purely frustrated.

My brother passes away and no tears. No tears at the funeral home. No tears at the hospital. No tears at the funeral. And no tears...6 months later. I have gotten teary eyed but all of a sudden has the ability to shut it off.

I just feel numb.

I always thought that if someone were to die in my family I would go insane and weep like a banshee. My brother dies suddenly and no tears. I do feel really bad and miss him so much, but I think I'm blocking out the fact that he's gone - but not sure about that.

I just find it strange that I won't cry - ... I'm thinking that down the road when I'm older I'll end up having a nervous breakdown.

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Dear Ana,

after the funeral of my dearest friend I couldn't cry for almost month. I cried before the funeral, at the funeral, but after that there were days and days that I just stared in front of me, said nothing and all I felt was emptiness. Maybe I felt deep inside that if I start crying I couldn't stop ... It's easier to cry when small things happen. You feel then that the crying can help. But when someone you love dies, the pain is just unimaginable and you now that it can't heal your pain ... Maybe some kind of a "shock" could help you to start to cry again. You should, six months is a long long time ... I started crying again when I came to his grave again, after I was lying in bed with fever - and something seemed so different there. Now I cry all the time ... Try to visit some special places (I still can't do that but maybe it could help you to do that). Sometimes a hug helps - tell your friend or parents you need one ...

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Dear Ana,

It's interesting to me that you say you “won’t” cry rather than you “can’t,” which implies that you are making a conscious choice not to cry.

Your concern about crying is understandable, but it’s important to know that crying isn’t necessarily a part of everyone’s grieving style, and not crying isn’t necessarily an indicator that you are headed for a “nervous breakdown.”

There could be any number of reasons why you “won’t cry,” including the fear that if you permit yourself to cry, you will lose control, there will be no end to it and the tears will never stop. (I can assure you that it is physically impossible to cry 24 hours a day, and in grief, there is no such thing as crying too much.) You may be a person who experiences grief more intellectually than emotionally, or who finds it easier to process pain more actively, through physical exercise or exertion. As a child you may have been taught that crying is a sign of weakness, and strong people (especially men) don’t cry.

In her insightful book The Courage to Grieve, grief therapist and bereaved sibling Judy Tatelbaum explains that it is vitally important to find a healthy outlet for our painful feelings. Expressing one's feelings openly by crying can be a sign of strength, vitality and wholeness rather than a sign of weakness:

Grief is a wound that needs attention in order to heal. To work through and complete grief means to face our feelings openly and honestly, to express and release our feelings fully, and to tolerate and accept our feelings for however long it takes for the wound to heal. For most of us, that is a big order. Therefore, it takes courage to grieve. It takes courage to feel our pain and to face the unfamiliar. It also takes courage to grieve in a society that mistakenly values restraint, where we risk the rejection of others by being open or different.

If you feel as if you need to cry but cannot, you might want to re-consider your beliefs and attitudes, and what you've been taught, about crying. Consider what would happen if you permitted yourself to let go for a time and release what you feel, knowing and believing that you will be better able to function afterward. Take some specific steps to help the tears come, and welcome them as a natural and helpful form of release. For example, you can:

- Expect feelings of sadness, knowing that they are normal and they will pass.

- Set aside a certain crying time each day when you can deliberately immerse yourself in grief. Use triggers and props to help bring on your tears (music, photographs, writings).

- Movies can be an effective tool in addressing certain grief issues , especially when your selections are made consciously and deliberately. (See my article, Grief Observed: Using Movies to Move through Grief.)

In the normal course of grief, our sense of control is threatened if not lost completely, and we feel vulnerable and frightened by the intensity of our reactions. Oftentimes we’re afraid that opening ourselves to the pain will cause us to “go crazy” or, as you say, “go insane, weep like a banshee or have a nervous breakdown.” But just because you feel crazy, it doesn’t mean that you are, in fact, losing your mind! Grief is not a pathological condition; it is a normal reaction to losing someone you love very dearly.

In fact, in the words of Christine Longaker, how we feel in bereavement is similar to how we feel when dying:

In this transition, we are suspended between the past and the future. We may feel extreme anxiety and loss of control as we experience the ground of our ‘known world’ dissolving beneath our feet. The new shape of our life has not yet manifested, so we find no reassurance in the future. No wonder we find bereavement so difficult! Grieving challenges us to eventually die to our old way of life, letting go of our former expectations, identity, and all the associations we had with the deceased person. [Facing Death and Finding Hope: A Guide to the Emotional and Spiritual Care of the Dying, © 1997 by Christine Longaker and Rigpa Fellowship, Broadway Books, NY, p. 165.]

Of course it certainly is possible that you may indeed have some unresolved issues related to your brother and his death that you are blocking, Ana. Without a healthy outlet, painful feelings can back up like a river that is blocked by deadwood and debris. If you continue to feel “stuck” in your grief, as if you’re making no forward progress, you may want to seek the advice of your doctor, bereavement counselor or clergy person – if only to be reassured that your feelings and reactions are within the normal limits of grieving.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

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Hi Spela / Marty T

Thanks so much. Today is the day after my brother's 6 month anniversary and I called in sick today - just didn't feel like going and have slept the day away.

I believe I do have unresolved grief and that maybe I am blocking out the fact that he's gone now - I just couldn't imagine a world without him.

And I thought about it, but as a family only my mom would really cry openly. My dad did break down at the funeral and days afterwards (first time in my life ever seeing him cry). My brother would cry to me when him and his girlfriend would break up and during other 'trying' times, but that's about it. Now that I think about it, everyone would come crying to me. I was the one who would cry hidden in the room. Or for the most part, go running to my brother when things got tough.

Thanks again. This is hard.

Ana

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Hi Ana,

I have the same problem in my family, I can't cry openly. None of my family does. Maybe that's why I couldn't spend much time at home, especially first few days after his death but went to the place I work at - I couldn't be with my familiy and I couldn't be alone ... A simple hug - by anyone - was enough and I cried and cried. After the funeral I didn't, I used to sit in the kitchen and stare in front of me, and I couldn't cry even when I was alone. I needed "something" before I could cry again. Now I cry a lot, especially when I'm alone. When I'm not and feel like crying, I try not to, hide the tears or, if I have a chance, go to the toilet or something ... What I'm trying to say is, if you can't cry together with your family and friends, take some time alone, go to his grave alone or to some special place that means something to you. I can't visit our special places yet, it's something that seems too hard to do, but when I do, I will do that alone.

Spela

P. S. Did you get my email?

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  • 10 years later...
On 3/22/2005, 12:25:17, ana said:

My only sibling and big brother passed away 6 months ago - he was 30 years old.

 

I use to be able to cry. I mean, I use to cry at work when things got stressful and I would cry after fighting with friends or cry if I were purely frustrated.

 

My brother passes away and no tears. No tears at the funeral home. No tears at the hospital. No tears at the funeral. And no tears...6 months later. I have gotten teary eyed but all of a sudden has the ability to shut it off.

 

I just feel numb.

 

I always thought that if someone were to die in my family I would go insane and weep like a banshee. My brother dies suddenly and no tears. I do feel really bad and miss him so much, but I think I'm blocking out the fact that he's gone - but not sure about that.

 

I just find it strange that I won't cry - ... I'm thinking that down the road when I'm older I'll end up having a nervous breakdown.

I have not been able to cry since one of my friends named Piper Leigh died but ever since then I have not been able to cry. The bad part is I lost one of my grandmother's just 2 days ago and yesterday I went to the funeral and I was not able to cry even though I felt like I was crying an ocean on the inside but on the outside I was not even shedding a tear I even started to get angry at myself since I really am sad but I was not able to cry no Matter how hard I tried and no matter how sad I am hell I am still sad but I hate myself for not being able to show how sad I am for all to see and understand if anyone has any ideas of why I am unable to cry let me know by email at bjrsteelers@yahoo.com make sure you have the subject be: SOME IDEAS OF REASONS WHY I AM UNABLE TO CRY

And if you do then thank you

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Guest,

I am sorry for your loss, losing a close friend can be a huge loss to us.  I would not worry about tears or the lack of unduly.  Crying is not necessarily a measure of how much we miss them or how deep our loss.  Some people are cry-ers, some are not.  Other things also affect our ability to cry...six months is not that far out in the grief journey, and it could be you are still numb from shock, esp. if it was an unexpected loss.  Sometimes people show it in other ways, getting frustrated easily, feeling anger, or just plain numbness.  You might try giving yourself permission to cry, in case you are trying to hold up for some reason or appear strong to others.  Please try not to worry about it though.  Just let yourself feel what comes and remember it helps to express yourself verbally and in the written word.  Coming here was a start.  I will email this to you, also, in case you don't come back here.

Try to afford yourself the same courtesy of understanding and patience that you would give to someone else going through it.  Remember, we all handle grief differently and are on a different time frame.  Some people hold back crying too because they're afraid if they ever start, they won't be able to quit.  Just know, I am sorry for your loss, and as long as you let yourself experience your grief, you will...all will happen in due time.

Kay

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