Here I Go Again

[Elaine M]

Kay Glad to hear your pet is doing better. I havent been on been busy but thought of you and your pet often. I am sorry to hear that Jims Mom died. that must have been very stressful for him and his family this is always a difficult time. Even though all this is going on in your life I wish you a happy birthday Kay, May all good things come to you. You are a wonderful friend and good person. God Bless You Elaine

[kayc]

Thank you, Elaine. That means a lot to me. I haven't heard from my friends yet, but I'm getting together with my sisters tomorrow, and that'll be good. With Jim's mom's situation, it's probably a blessing because she suffered a lot, but death and loss is never easy no matter what the circumstances. He has been through so much and is still going through a lot. I am thankful I have been through it so that I am aware and know what to expect, as well as anyone can, that is.

Hope your evening goes well!

[kayc]

It's good to know that I have some people who care enough to show their love to me on my birthday, it meant a great deal to me. It's never good to be so wrapped up in yourself that you can't extend some effort to others. Last night I took flowers to a friend and a pie to my FIL in his nursing home. It feels good to get out of yourself and do something for others, even on your birthday.

[MartyT]

Bless your precious heart, Kay ~ I hope you know that we're all celebrating the fact that this world has been blessed with one as special as you are ♥

[kayc]

Well Jim and I have been talking about every other day but I don't hold any grand illusions that we'll get back together. Mostly I try not to go there. I've tried to back up and just be friends. It's hard. It seems like it set me back at first because of my emotions but I'm doing better. I don't feel the same way that I did before. Obviously he doesn't feel the same way that he'd led me to believe the first 13 1/2 months. I wish I knew what was going through his head but maybe even he doesn't know that. I guess by his breaking up with me, losing me was a risk he was more than willing to take and that says a lot to me. This is something I have to keep in mind. What he did and how he did it is totally unacceptable to me. Now if we can come out of this friends, that's cool. I do still like him and enjoy his company...well that is if I had his company. I don't give place to it all the same way I once did. I guess you know if someone can hurt you so badly and not be bothered by it, they aren't to be that coveted, right?

[LostmyHoney]

I guess you know if someone can hurt you so badly and not be bothered by it, they aren't to be that coveted, right?

You are so right there!

Im sorry for all you have been through, but it sounds like you have a good grip on the matter!

God bless us all!

Rachel

[kayc]

Right now I'm trying not to think about outcome or what'll happen, just staying in the present and giving him the time and space he needs to go through what he's going through. I still love him and I do miss him, but I'm trying to keep everything in mind. I couldn't go back with him without working through the issues and it'd be hard to trust him, I just don't feel quite the same as I did before, but that could be a moot point so I don't worry about it unduly as we may just stay on a friendship level. Right now there are just too many unknowns to be able to conclude anything. I've just had to step way back and let go.

[kayc]

Three days ago, Jim called me back on his neighbor's phone, told me the best way to reach him is by email (i.e. don't call him again). He chatted briefly, how hard he's been working, etc. I asked him if he'd like to come get away from it all for a while. He curtly answered immediately in a resounding NO he DOESN'T want to. Duly chided. He said he'd "been uncertain" (about us?) and probably wouldn't ever talk to me about it. I got the impression it's not so much about me as it's about him. (He either doesn't want in a relationship?) At any rate, it hit me hard. I feel like crying but I have to hold it together. I never should have talked to him again. I should have let him go completely and not even tried. What made me think we could be friends, even after all I thought we'd meant to each other? This just hurts me unbearably. The man lied to me. He led me on and lied to me. He told me just two weeks before breaking up with me that he saw us spending our future together. He told me every day he loved me, even after he called after a two month's absence, although that could have been habit. People should be more careful what they tell each other. They should be more careful about the promises they make, the commitments they enter into. He's the one that wanted to see me exclusively, he's the one who said he'd never hurt me, he's the one who asked me to marry him. I'm just the one left with a broken heart. I'm letting go of him completely, if he ever wants my friendship, he knows where I am and he'll have to expend the effort to contact me. You know, I wouldn't have invited him if I'd thought he'd react so volatile, but three weeks ago he said he'd probably come up sometime, I had no idea he'd change again. I guess he just has issues, which I don't really need, all of his changeability just continues to hurt me, moving on...way too confusing!

[MartyT]

Very dear Kay, my heart just aches for you in all of this. I cannot help but think, Thank heaven all these strange and negative aspects of this man revealed themselves before the two of you were married. Yes, the man lied to you, but it sounds as if he really was lying to himself more than anyone else. As you say, this is not about you. From what you've said about him, he does not seem very stable ~ certainly not strong enough and consistent enough to be taking care of you the way a loving spouse would do.

Can it be that your precious angel George is looking out for you ~ taking care of you and protecting you still? ♥

[kayc]

You are so right. I love Jim and think he's a wonderful man, but he obviously has issues he hasn't come to terms with and he's a coward to boot. I do not want more of the same of what he's put me through, and his perspective continues to amaze me. I would like to be his friend if he can ever handle that, but beyond that, I can't trust him to commit and follow through. It's so sad, really, because he is a good person and easy to be around. I can't take the vacillating though and because he doesn't seem to know his own mind, I have to let it all go for my own peace of mind. I still hurt over what he's done to me, it's going to take a long while to heal. More than just having this broken relationship and broken heart, is the lasting damage of what he's done to my ability to trust and love.

[kayc]

I SAW JIM LAST NIGHT!

He initiated a chat with me and invited me over to see what all he's done on his place.

I was real proud of myself. I held back emotionally, kept telling myself "he's not relationship material", he chattered about 2 1/4 hours, it was good to see him but I kind of look at him differently now. Still think he's cute, darn. it went well, I didn't get emotional, didn't cry during or after, didn't say I love you, and I ended the visit myself. Pat myself on the back, I followed all the rules.

He's talked to his exGF Stephanie, don't know when but within a couple of months I'd say, probably before he lost the landline. I just tell myself bully for them.

It was good to get home and see Arlie, he's bottled up full of energy.

[MartyT]

Give yourself another pat on the back from me, too, Kay

[kayc]

I've had a pretty rough time since last night...barely made it home, they didn't plow the roads and it was all I could do to get the truck turned around, I had to park on the road because there's no way I could get in the driveway, it's full of snow. The internet and electricity and t.v. were all out, and I had to eat a bowl of cereal for dinner, no way to heat up my dinner, so went to sleep since I'd been up most of the night before anyway. Elec. came back on and then went back off after a lot of off/on stuff, that's so hard on appliances! Got up at 3:00 or 3:30 and started shoveling snow, got the ramp shoveled, took an hour, my carpal tunnel is killing me, so took a break then shoveled a path towards the driveway, took another break, then shoveled over to the wood pile. Still need to get wood in and shovel to the street but my wrists are killing me. It's hard being alone, no one to share chores, finances, or even just chat about your day. I had a hard time finding the dogpoop in the pen cuz everything is covered in snow, so hope I got it. Went up in the yard again and brushed off the satellite dishes with the broom some more. Lo and behold I finally got it back, but don't know for how long. My son said it's 18 here (he looked on the weather report) at the highest. Still no snowplow, where are they? Tried to call my office this morning but no one answered, probably everyone trying to call in at once, ha! Left a msg on my boss' cellphone. Hated to take off but no choice. It's only Nov. and it's already like this?

Jim called last night and this morning. Guess he's bored, can't understand him, don't understand why he broke up with me and can't even give me an explanation?

[sunstreet]

Dear Kay,

I have just through this thread. Let me say how very sorry I am for all that you have been through. I am inspired by your strength and courage. I would like to suggest that you deserve someone who cherishes, respects and loves you. Jim is not that person.

I have appreciated your support for me in my journey. I want you to know that I am ever so grateful. It just seems so unfair that you have had to face so many challenges. I am impressed with your psychological understanding of yourself and others.

Kay, you are a wonderful, genuine, and moral person, and I thank you for sharing your story. Hold your head up Kay, for you have soldiered through with grace and dignity. I wish you continued healing.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[grace10]

Kaye,

I am so so sorry to know this is happening to you. It brings up sadness in me too, because I was in a relationship that was supposed to last my lifetime. One day we are talking about being together in rocking chairs when we are old, the next evening we are going to a concert together and I am meeting new work friends, and the next day, after weekly shopping, my ex is gone forever. No explanation, no contact, no response, nothing. I honestly did not know there was a problem. No contact ever again in the last 10 years. No one, absolutely no one deserves this. One has to be out of their mind and/or have no conscience to act like this. Being in grief right now has brought back this chunk of my life.

But, as time passed, I really began to understand the depth of the mental problems of ex, and how even a seemingly good relationship cannot fix those kinds of problems. After the fact, I learned through a mutual friend that this kind of behavior was a pattern. I think your statement "he's not relationship material" speaks volumes and states the truth. I think you have come a long way in understanding. Yes, this is a deep hurt because it erodes trust, but give yourself credit for how you have taken care of yourself.

[kayc]

Grace, I'm sorry to hear another person has gone through this, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. My sense of betrayal is astronomical, and he doesn't even seem to get how extensively he wronged me. I realize he has some kind of brokenness in him that no one else can fix but him and he's not likely to even work on it, that's what makes him not good relationship material. I also realize now that he also has a pattern...I didn't realize it because he'd been married for 30 years, but in knowing him better, I realize he did not work on his marriage and then suddenly decided to end it, and even though he had valid reasons, it shocked her. His next relationship he ended abruptly and shocked her, but he'd told me he was worried she had a propensity for violence and even though I felt he was slightly overboard in his reaction, I hadn't been there so didn't question the validity of his decision. Then he ended abruptly with me, creating what I would call a pattern. I wasn't violent and I didn't give him cause to break up with me, so what was his excuse this time? His dying mother? Come on, he could have said he needed a break while he was caring for her or something, he didn't need to break it off...and now that she's dead what is his excuse? No, I've come to realize it is just an excuse, he hides behind excuses, because the problem isn't so much with the other person as it is with himself. That's something only he can face. I'm afraid he'll get into another relationship on down the road and break someone else's heart the same way. The aftermath he's left in his wake is devastating.

Does one ever really get over something like this? The trust issues are the most damaging residual from all of this. The pain goes on and on but you eventually learn to live with it, just as you do grief from death, the principles you learn in grief carry you through this new loss in your life. All of my hopes and dreams, my sense of belief, is up in smoke. The thing I find it hardest to forgive him for is that he led me on and lied to me for so long about how he felt about me. There is no excuse in the world for dishonesty and deception. That is weak.

[grace10]

Kay,

I do think you will get past this to the point that you can open the door for new love in your life. I feel mentally and emotionally ready, and have for awhile, but the circumstances of my life are about busyness and building a new career for myself. The way it stands now is this deep understanding that these mental disorders, and yes, Asperger's, at whatever degree it may be, is technically a mental disorder, and not a lot, if anything, changes with these folks. Yes, there are treatments, medications, programs, etc., but the disorder remains a big part of who they are.

After all this time, there is something in me that "clicked" in that I almost look at all of this as having little, if anything to do with me, but having everything to do with ex's mental disorders. They are patterns. They happened before I ever become involved. From the little info I have, I understand ex is living with friends (one who has a lot of problems as well), is on disability, and nothing much has changed.

Do we engage in these relationships expecting that our love and involvement will change their essential personality and life patterns of bailing on relationships? Was there some denial going to as to the extent of the mental disorder? Do mental disorders cause an individual's ability to be compassionate and have empathy for others go out the window and not exist? I have had to ask myself these questions myself. Do we have some dificultly feeling we deserve a healthy relationship vs. engaging with a broken person who may or may not be invested in helping themselves? Maybe these are harsh questions, and I have basically answered yes to the above, but I had to ask myself these kinds of questions early on and do a lot of self-healing.

What I like about what you are writing is that I really think, in your mind, and in reality, that it is over. And, it should be over. Maybe this is a trite comment, but the best prediction for current behavior is the history of past behavior. I would delve into reading more about Asperger's if you are doubting yourself, and ask some of these questions when the time is right. Peace.

[kayc]

Grace,

I appreciate your thoughtful response. You are astute in what you have learned. I definitely think I deserve a healthy relationship and was looking for all the right things when I went into a relationship with Jim, but we went into our relationship too quickly for me to see some key things and by the time they were revealed, I was already involved. I am a tenacious person that gives my all and hates to quit, but there comes a time when you have to realize it's time to throw in the towel. What truly amazes me is that he was able to woo me the way that he did in the beginning. He seems to have real difficulty communicating or expending effort. I have read extensively about Asperger's...he never told me he had it, my sister and I both observed it, it was interesting that she mentioned it because I was already aware by then. I always knew there was something different about him, his mannerisms, inability to look you in the eye, couldn't communicate, fixating on one thing at a time, to the point of being OCD, lack of romantic and sexual inclination, yet high intelligence, etc. It's pretty obvious. I hadn't had prior dealings with Aspies and in the beginning it threw me for a loop, I was constantly puzzled by his responses or lack of them. There is help for Aspies, but only if they acknowledge, see the need for, and want the help. He is not there. You cannot count on anyone changing or wanting to change, they have to do that for themselves. I heard on the radio this morning that the only changes you can count on are diapers and oil...people don't tend to change to any great degree. That is not always true, but you can't count on it anyway.

I, like you, don't really have time in my life for investing in a relationship at this point...my work, commute, taking care of my place, my animals, they all take my time, I simply have no time for dating even if I had the desire to, which I don't.

Good luck in your career and in your future, it'll all come together!

[grace10]

Kaye,

Thank you for your response. You seem like a wise woman and you will get through this. I just do not think anyone really knows exactly what they are getting into with any relationship, anyway. As for me, I am starting to wind down my midlife adventure back at the university and now have a lot to consider about my future. I am even considering relocating. Somehow, with an important friend falling out of my life, its easier to consider this too. Take care!

[kayc]

Jim called me a dozen times yesterday morning, I was getting ready for work (walking the dog, putting cedar in the dogpen, making my lunch, showering, etc.) so didn't have time to answer, and he tried me on my way to work when I was on the phone with AT&T (I didn't want to lose my spot after voicemail, holding, etc.), so I called him back when done...he said he'd been crying, feeling nostalgic, he was listening to old songs, etc. ??? I told him to quit it! I said I'd turned my emotions off...asked him if it had anything to do with his mom's death and he said no. I don't know what he was trying to say or what it meant but I know I can't let him yank me around emotionally. I was real proud of myself, I gave him some sound advice on handling one's emotions through the holidays and then listened and chatted with him as a friend. Today he called at 5:30 am and I put him on speaker phone while I got ready for work. Guess he helped his ex-wife celebrate her birthday last night. That didn't evoke any feelings inside of me except to make me relieved he's no longer my problem! He may be a nice person, but man he seems messed up!

Other than continuing to struggle with the snow/vehicles, I'm doing okay. I'm very proud of myself for not letting emotions get the best of me. I know I'm not through the hurdle yet...Christmas season will be tough, all the memories. A couple of days ago on the radio they were talking about the Festival of Lights (which Jim and I went to together last year, one of his traditions) and I simply changed the channel. I have more to do than sit around and cry over someone who wronged me!

[kayc]

I woke up this morning and my throat hurts...I thought about how Jim used to call it "stroat" (his daughter April used to say it that way when she was little) and it brought a lump to my throat for a minute. I miss how warm and cuddly he used to feel.

I still miss him, it still hurts. It's been over five months now, when is it going to reach the point of indifference? I feel like what he did to me altered me forever, I no longer trust, I can't date, I can't go through this again, I can't risk having someone set me up and break my heart again, I just can't do it. And men are so good at fooling you, they appear so good in the beginning, they say and do all the right things...up until the point where they throw you overboard. It's so hard, it just hurts so much. I'm pretty much used to being alone and I've always been pretty independent and self-sufficient in all the ways I can be, but this isn't the life I had planned. A part of me curses George for ever having left me...I know, that makes no sense, it's not like he could help dying, it's just how I feel, like he put me in this position, we were supposed to grow old together, we were happy together...and then I got left holding the bag.

[hello123]

Hey KayC just read this now, I'm really sorry and like others said know that people do care and it IS a big deal and I totally get what you mean about still feeling the human pain even though you don't want to. I also agree and would have to say that you had a lucky escape I know it doesn't feel like that but the fact that he has done this just shows that he isn't the man you thought he was at all! Hope you're ok!!

[hello123]

Sorry I hadn't seen the last post but yeah the worst is when you're independent and don't easily trust but then you finally do and they break it nd ruin you. It's a horrible feeling and its not fair, I don't think they do it on purpose and it would probably freak them out (because I would be freaked out if I knew how much power I had over someone) to know that they can be responsible for our sad moods and everything, but time does make it better, 5 months isnt enough it eventually will and you will find someone better just try not to be sad and keep busy!

[hello123]

Thats the same thing, no contact whatsoever but do know the problem he couldnt handle it Def agree with the non-relationship material but its not fair why do WE have to be the scapegoats that put all our trust into somebody but then when it's too late learn that theyre not right and end up hurting ourselves and being messed up and they walk away unscathed.

[kayc]

Well I'm doing a lot better. Jim calls almost every day to talk, I saw him last week, only the second time since we split up. I feel I have finally forgiven him...I tried to last summer, but it was too soon, it's a process and it's neither quick nor easy. I finally let go of it, I don't hold it against him anymore. That doesn't mean I think what he did was right, but understanding that he is who and what he is and it just is what it is. We are very different people, I'm up front and have integrity and strong moral values, all the more reason we shouldn't be together I guess, because I need to be able to respect anyone I'm with and I don't respect someone cowardly or that doesn't know their own mind better than that. But I still enjoy his company and like him. Does that make sense? You can accept in a casual friend what you cannot accept in a life partner. So I've let him go to deal with his issues and I'll continue on my merry way. If we see or talk to each other, that's cool, I don't hate him or wish bad on him, it just doesn't matter all that much to me anymore.