Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Here I Go Again


kayc

Recommended Posts

Well it's been two years come August since Jim broke up with me and I was very surprised to find myself sobbing yesterday morning...I hadn't cried over him for 1 1/2 years, so it kind of caught me off guard.

I've been under a lot of stress lately...my mom's dementia and mental illness, my job cut, unemployment ending, no decent jobs, my son's getting married (although that is good, it's still another change to deal with), recent personal betrayal from church, going to work to find out the server crashed, my son getting injured, my daughter's debilitating illness, and then lastly, my internet going down and them telling me they can't come out for a month. I couldn't reach my son so I called the only other really smart (computer savvy) person I know...Jim. He was so mellow amid my growing anxiety, he was so patient and calm when I called the icons (the little candle, the dragonfly, etc.) and didn't correct me or treat me like I was stupid. He just downloaded manuals for my modem and splitter and tried to walk me through it over the phone. I had it set up right but it still didn't work. I ended up having to fight 1 1/2 days with the provider and at last it finally came back on.

But listening to how patient and sweet Jim was made me remember what it was I loved about him. My family is anxious and impatient, so I'd thought spending my life with someone like him would be refreshing and he was the missing link in my family. I am embarrassed I cried, but he was even understanding about that. I am glad we have remained friends...I don't want to go back with him because he has issues he hasn't worked through and may never, but I am glad we are still friends and I'm glad after all of this time I can just appreciate him for who he is...and he me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

Just last night I was talking to Jim on the phone (we talk often but haven't seen each other for 1 1/2 years) and telling him what I was going through with my 90 year old 70 lb. mom who has mental illness, paranoia, dementia, and refuses to cooperate with what needs to be done in her life to ensure her safety. He throws in there "Just double that and throw in 'can't breathe' and you'll know what I was going through!" I tried to explain to him that his mom and my mom's situations are not the same and it still doesn't excuse his callous disregard of me. He excluded me completely, wouldn't even let me bring him a meal, yet his ex-wife and neighbors could be around during that time! I don't accept that, something's wrong with that. He tells me I should bring my mom home to live with me, but my mom is so far demented that she's likely to burn my house down, on purpose, because she thinks I care more about my dog than the Lord. She is nuts. None of us can trust her, nor can we be around her 24/7. He has no clue what it's like to be around my mom for any length of time. Yes I know his mom was pretty bad, but my mom is too, just different. His mom didn't cause a harm to his safety, my mom does because her mind is so far gone and so twisted. She prays for my dog to die! How sick is that! No, I think the best thing I did was putting a wall up around my heart so Jim couldn't hurt me any more. I love him to an extent, I definitely care about him, I enjoy his company and love his humor, but I can't see us ever being back together, because you know what? He has a lot of issues to work on and an apology to make and neither are forthcoming. It's not like I think I'm perfect, I'm not, but at least I work on myself...he procrastinates doing anything inside of himself or in his life...that I can't accept.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Kay, I am sorry you had a tough encounter with Jim. It surely sounds like he can't trust your judgments regarding your mom perhaps because he does not trust himself...like you said...he does not work on himself. It it tough enough to deal with your mom's pathology without having him challenge you. Glad you are on top of it (understanding of who he is) as much as you are. That helps a bit, I am sure.

Peace, Mary

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you for your response, Mary, I appreciate your insights, and hadn't thought of it put that way. I think next time he says it (and he will) I will just reply "I'm sorry you don't trust my ability to respond to my mom's difficult situation in the best possible way." People can be challenging. I know he knows what I'm going through but he always states everything bluntly...he is Asperger's so communication is different with him. Normally I can overlook it but right now I'm in a rather fragile state where my mom is concerned.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sounds like a good way to go. I know you are really worried and concerned about your mom's safety and her whole situation. I hope assisted living is in the near future. It has been a difficult history with her and it would be good if you could have some peace of mind around all that.

It is going to be 96 and humid today...I am not going to the local BobFest, 10 hours of loud Bob Dylan music with local bands (definitely not my kind of music) but a real community day.... I usually go for about an hour or two just to support...today I will paint. Tomorrow three of us are going to Sundance in Madison (theater) to see The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. One of the gals said it would be good...so we shall see. I need to look it up. Tomorrow I will also go to Bill's grave..in a country cemetery meadow. If it is not 96 I plan to do some work up there. It was a green burial and the earth sank a few inches. They put dirt on but it had weeds in it so I will cover the plots (mine also) with cardboard, put about 6 inches of top soil on them, grass seed with wildflower seeds in it. I might do that if it is cool in the morning. I hope you find some peaceful moments today and tomorrow. These holidays are tough...like a string of Sundays for me....I imagine they are for you also. Mary

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks, Marty. Just checked your FB post. Great recommendations. I will watch the trailer...after I walk Bentley....it is getting hot out there.

Mary

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I followed the link and didn't see a movie...what is it?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you for the referral, I'm always keeping an eye out for a good one!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Today I received a surprise visit at work from Jim and his granddaughter, Ciera. I haven't seen him for 1 1/2 years and her for two! It was a very delightful surprise that warmed my heart! :wub:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Today I received a surprise visit at work from Jim and his granddaughter, Ciera. I haven't seen him for 1 1/2 years and her for two! It was a very delightful surprise that warmed my heart! :wub:

I am so glad that your heart was warmed by the surprise visit at work. Good for you!! Peace, Mary

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 months later...

Four days ago it was two years since Jim broke up with me. Lately he has been giving me mixed messages. I am glad to say I recognize them as such and do not allow my heart to be yanked around like that. I require something solid, and this isn't it. I don't give a rat's fig for "feelings" that aren't backed up with follow through...and his aren't there.

It is a good place to be in, to hold your own heart. I know the kind of person I require and I haven't met him. I remember when George and I got together...from the very beginning of our relationship he was single minded and with purpose...to place me ahead of everything else, to win me and keep me, and to devote his life to me. That's a pretty tough act to follow, George, and one I won't forget!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 4 weeks later...

A couple of days ago Jim and I were on the phone and he told me he loves me and I said I hadn't noticed him beating my door down to get me back and he said he loves me but he doesn't want to mess with my emotions when he can't follow through.

I responded that I won't LET him mess with my emotions, and I know he has his own issues to deal with. I told him I don't want to change him, even if I could, that he is his responsibility and I am mine. I said I have a wall around my heart about a foot thick to guard it.

It's important to really know someone through and through before we give our heart to them. We can think we know them, we can spend ample time with them, but even then they can fool us, esp. if they keep things inside or aren't forthright with us.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Hi KayC,

I look up to you in that you are being true to yourself despite his attempts to "make it work with you". If he doesn't have the actions or motivation to back up what he's saying - he doesn't have what it takes to win you and stay by your side.

-Pink08

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you. A few days ago he wanted to come spend some time with me, he'd been crying...I'm not sure how I feel about that, I miss him, I enjoy his company, but I don't want to be set back (emotional recovery) so I said I'd think about it. Haven't heard from him since.

I am happy being alone. If I were to get together with someone, he'd really have to prove himself to me first.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

Oh I think he realizes it somewhat and he doesn't know what to do about it. After a while, you have to wonder if you want someone who doesn't know how to do things right in their life. I'm okay being just me, w/o a partner.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Kay, You wrote that Jim has Asperger's syndrome. I believe my dad has this as well. You also wrote about George, "...from the very beginning of our relationship he was single minded and with purpose...to place me ahead of everything else, to win me and keep me, and to devote his life to me". From what I see in my dad, and from what I know of my parents relationship (when my mom as alive, of course), is that he always loved himself best -- and loved being her "hero". It wasn't a "real" kind of partnership of caring that you describe with George (which sounds so conscious, spiritual and deeply loving). Love to my dad is more of an ego-fulfilling experience. I wish my dad was more capable of really knowing himself, instead of perpetuating his "egomaniac with an insecurity complex" stance. Unfortunately, he doesn't allow himself to see that he has anything to work on regarding his behavior, and is unwilling to go too deep, as to uncover some very uncomfortable traumas that he has experienced in his life -- to better himself.

Also, if I may be so bold, Jim seems to have some of the same traits as your mom -- and maybe your relationship with Jim keeps you stuck in (or maybe moving through) some feelings you have towards your mom -- to help that heal?

I hope you can forgive me if I am over-stepping. I mainly want you to know that I support you in living the best life you can. You are a dear heart, and do not deserve anything less than a great man.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think you're reading too much into it. Jim and my relationship was totally different from my mom and mine. What I loved about Jim is he is mellow, easy to be around, great sense of humor. I don't know how much you've read about Asperger's, but it's very different from a Narcissist. Jim is highly intelligent, but being an Aspie doesn't mean he doesn't love, it does mean he doesn't have the communication skills to convey it aptly. Asperger's isn't a personality disorder (my mom has many personality disorders which makes her complex and difficult), it is a high functioning form of Autism. Jim is actually very sweet, but he has his issues, which makes me feel he needs to deal with him and I'll deal with me. :)

George was entirely different, we had a superb loving relationship. Not perfect, but great!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 year later...

It's been four years today since our break up and I'm good and past it. We've been able to have some sort of friendship but I'm so glad I recognized it couldn't be and protected my heart from going there. Perhaps all we ever should have been is "friends", and that is good in itself!

A big thank you to everyone who gave their advice, helped me see added perspective, and encouraged me during this time. It really helped. I can see things clearer now and it's good to be on this side of it now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 4 weeks later...

I know I'm behind big time with all of the events that happens through this thread, and I hope I'm not to late to respond. kayc Im sorry you suffered so much with all of this, I know it wasn't easy. I think you showed so much strength through such a difficult time. I'm amazed at how strong you've been through all of this, and I commend you on your efforts to move forward, and not let him back in your life to hurt you. I hope one day I can be as strong as you, I truly look up to you. You are one of the only ones who has taken the time to help me withy situation, and for that I'm forever grateful. Thanks again.

  • Like 1
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

No you're not too late, I check the forum regularly.

He actually IS in my life, but just as a friend, I have my walls and boundaries up and we've been fine with that relationship for four years now. You really can't do that unless you are willing to get rid of any thoughts of hoping for something more and realize that it wouldn't work as it stands...none of us want more of the same. In order for someone to take someone back that has hurt them to this extent, it really would take them proving themselves to you, to me that would require his getting professional help to work through his issues before I'd even consider it...even then, am not sure I could trust again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 year later...

This is my story of loss of fiance when his mom was dying...I wanted to bump it up so you could read it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...