Do You Feel "abandoned" By Family And/or Friends

[Guest]

INDEED! Church is very hard. Being a catholic grieving all through lent was exhausting. I went twice a week instead of daily, and those few hours were sometimes nothing but crying and praying and crying some more. Not always, but more than half of the time. I started choosing the shortest masses and sitting nearest the front - to stay engaged instead of inwardly focused. It remains hard now, and I don't see it getting easier. Ever since my mom died in 2010 I get a feeling of her presence when I'm in mass. It starts with a sort of tingling chill in my back, then tears start without one single sad thought provoking them. Sometimes it causes me to tremble and I have to sit down for a little bit, if I'm not already sitting. I know twice that I could smell her 'red door' perfume when it happened. Now that I go to mass alone most of the time, instead of with my son that died 10 weeks ago, I get upset before I walk in. I fuss in my head because I'm alone and shouldn't be. I see mom's with their kids. I see entire families taking up an entire pew, all beamingly happy, with toddlers in tow, holding hands during mass, putting arms around each other. It's endearing yes, but I can't watch. I'm thrilled for them, really I am. But I can't watch. So sitting way up front does help to keep them out of my view. If anyone has church advice - do share. I can't yet sing along, not at church nor anywhere else, because my Matthew was in the choir and quite a singer, and all attempts at my singing since he died have been blubbery messes. So I don't try. I plan to later - maybe next year. This year is a no-sing-zone for me.

[kayc]

I don't know anyway but to continue to expose yourself to it until you're more used to it. I do understand how you're feeling, been there!

[jame57]

Ctwilki,

Church can sometimes be hard for me too. Ever since mum's funeral when it comes to prayers and one is said for the bereaved I start to get a tear. At Easter service one of the Hymns was last sung by me at her funeral....I hardly sang much of that one. I think you're doing as much as you can especially as your son sang in the choir. Just like you find it difficult to see young children and their parents I sometimes see ladies older than my mum, still walking a fair distance to church. I think it's great they can still get about at 92 years of age but why did my mum have to die at 85! Life though isn't fair and we are left behind with our memories and pain. I just get some comfort from knowing we will be reunited.

[Guest]

Well it finally happened. My friends S&B showed up at my house and sat on my patio and tried their best to apologize for abandoning us for so long, yesterday. Yes, the ones that went to the concert. I heard more excuses than I'd ever heard, coupled with more tears than I've ever seen from them. So we listened without saying much at all for 2 hours. Their reasons were nothing surprising: we didn't know what to say or do. To me that just doesn't cut it. Not after 11 weeks of silence after 22 years of friendship. When I started to share just a little bit of the trying time we've had it seemed to shudder them hardly at all as they switched immediately back to how they feel. Then we declined dinner invitations and they left. It was such a relief to see them go. It hurt more weeks ago than it does now, so I suppose that I did actually 'write them off' in my heart as I had intended. I just wasn't sure that it stuck. Apparently it did. So that's over.

So I took to Facebook with my new courage and unfriended my friend S that was 'on her way over right now' and never showed up nor called - 5 weeks ago, she still hasn't peeped, so she was the first to go.

Next was my friend M that always needs money or a place to stay or someone to explain complicated things to her, and always turns to me, and owes me money, but hasn't shown her face once since Matthew died, just a text a month ago saying 'how ya doing hun?'. unfriend.

Third was another friend C that used to call me in the middle of the night in tears when CPS was trying to take her 2 kids, and when her ex tried to bankrupt her when she was pregnant, and other assorted drama. My help was needed, but no help has come my way - not even a phone call. Aside from one text asking me to do a favor for her last week, which I didn't answer, she's offered nothing more than a facebook message saying she's so sorry for our loss. unfriend.

Others will follow. I'm not going to grieve over these lost friendships anymore either.

I'd close up facebook altogether if it weren't for our 6 adult kids and all of our relatives on there - I love seeing all of the photos and hearing what everyone is up to, especially since we live away from them all.

Thank you all for helping me over that stump.

[kayc]

I am so proud of you! You are doing what is best for you, that is important in this process. In my estimation, you haven't lost anything, you just discovered it.

[MartyT]

Cindy, my dear, I thought of you when I read this just now. It is written by Angela Miller, another bereaved mother:

I wrote this after becoming disheartened and frustrated by being constantly misunderstood by the world. I wished there could be a bridge to close the gap between us– the bereaved and the non-bereaved parent– but in writing this, I realized that the only bridge of understanding, is a one-way bridge. One we would never wish upon anyone, for to understand means to be become bereaved. The only bridge is your child dying. Then you understand, and there’s no going back to that place of blissful ignorance. Before it happens you cannot go there; you cannot imagine it; it is too hard, too painful, too much like every parent’s worst nightmare. Still, if I could create a two way bridge of understanding, this would be it.

Read Angela Miller's compelling piece here: Let Me Tell You Who I Am Now

[Guest]

I am so proud of you! You are doing what is best for you, that is important in this process. In my estimation, you haven't lost anything, you just discovered it.

I like that. I will remember it. Thank you.

[Guest]

Oh my Marty! I had to copy that link to share it later with others. It's terribly hard to read, but so very true. It's brutally honest. I will be sharing it and probably quoting from it.

[kayc]

Marty, that statement is so true! Thank you for sharing it, it applies, really, to all death, and we grievers truly wouldn't wish it on anyone to have to walk this journey, but oh how we wish there would be understanding some other way!

[MartyT]

Yes Kay, and the thing is, sooner or later the death of someone dearly loved will happen to each and every one of us . . . ♥

[LadyCarrie]

Cindy,

I'm proud of you also, and agree with all Kay and Marty said. I'm especially proud of you for sharing what you learn, and what you feel. By doing so, you are an active blessing to others.

Carrie

[Guest]

I sat and chatted with a coworker yesterday, a widow of 2 years, and she was attempting to date for the first time. It didn't work out. She said he's the only one that could fill up the space, you know, only that exact person. Yes, I know. This morning I started list #3, unfinished business.

List #1 - excuses for my friends that abandoned us

LIst #2 - things I'm avoiding

LIst #3 - unfinished business (Matthew's clothes, video games, art, insurances, yearbook, etc..) This will be the list that takes the longest I'd imagine.

Thank you all for caring. It means so much.

Cindy

[kayc]

Don't worry about the clothes, etc. unless they're bugging you and you feel you need to do something with them. There's no rush, we can take our time with most of these things.

[MartyT]

Cindy, you will find our members' take on this particular topic (along with a list of Related Articles) here: Tips on Sorting A Loved One's Personal Belongings ♥

[Guest]

Thanks Marty, these are helpful.

[Guest]

I read them all and then more.. then I decided what to do. I will donate each of his things to kids that I know or am related to until I only have what I intend to keep forever. That amount has to fit into his chest of drawers or on top of it. I'll put a shadow box above it on the wall with my favorite pictures of him in it. That will be enough. Small enough to move with me wherever I may go, large enough to hold his favorite things, drawings, sports stuff, and favorite clothes, photos, etc..

[Guest]

On the friend front nothing has changed. Friend M sent me a friend request on facebook and I deleted that. Never heard another word from her. One of my aunts is a member of TCF like I am and read on the web that I felt like a leper. She was insulted and said so online. ugh...not the response I was expecting. But there I go again, expecting..

[sharirouse]

sorry for such late responses! School is kicking my butt and I just want to go cry to mom, which I do. ANYWAY!

Ct, I think its fantastic that you are defriending them because you do not need to grieve the loss of friendships AND the loss of your baby. They dont deserve it and I 100% agree when you say its not enough. Let’s be honest, we will all deal with death one way or another and its traumatizing no matter who it is so for them to ignore you and make excuses and say they didnt know what to do, the answer is be there. Death is scary but we are all touched by it no matter what so lets stop treating it like a disease. I think you should be able to talk about it, even if it makes people uncomfortable because you need to let it out! You need to let the guilt monster out so you can beat him up! If not, he’ll strangle you!

Secondly, I think you should apologize to your son, i mean only if you feel the need, because it helps with the grief. My grief counselor taught me this and you also need to forgive him and you can also just bring up memories as well. Ill give you some examples of my dad. So one day, we went to the DMV and I needed to transfer my title from his name to my name so I could keep my car. well my dad couldnt understand/hear the lady and he didnt know what the right thing was to do and heck, i didnt know either! Im an ignorant 20 yr old! (21 now but whos counting?) and i thought my dad was dumb for that and I got really frustrated inside. He didnt look good, he was bony and pushing his O2 tank around. Anyway, passed his death, I went back to the DMV and realized the lady was a raging idiot who messed up my title 3 times and she is so stupid she should be fired before I reach through that hole and beat her. and you thought you were bitter! anyway, I felt SO GUILTY for that. I still do now. My dad always thought he was dumb because he couldnt read or write well as he only had about an 8th grade education. well he wasnt dumb, let me just tell you that, he was a smart little sh!t. excuse my language. so this is how I apologized “Dad, I apologize for thinking you were stupid when the woman at the DMV messed up the entire process. I do not think you are stupid at all.” And then heres an example of a normal memory and forgiveness. “dad, I forgive you for getting very angry with me and flying off the handle and making me cry.” “Dad, i just wanted to tell you that I think you are very clever and you always had an answer to everything and could always help me when in need, even if it meant driving 160 miles to me.”

The whole point of those is to read them out loud in front of people but I think you can post them here and sometimes I ask God or my dad himself to witness them when I read them out loud. They really helped me and I still do them with “P.S”

When it comes to avoiding things, I cannot go to my dads house alone. I mean I can but i avoid it. we are getting rid of it soon as we cant pay it and its empty but its so hard for me to go into. Im almost afraid Ill see him which isnt a bad thing. I want to see him so desperately. But i also want to remember the house the way it was when he was alive. Its so hard for me when I think about how empty the house was the day he died. Knowing he was never coming back and it looked like he just left to go to the store or was outside. it kills me but I still plan to go and sit outside of it and hang out because thats the only place I have seen my dad live and its his house. I was birthed there! Not literally but you know.

I dont think you should try to find reasons why your son parted from here and just being out of my teens, I want to tell you that the pain can be overwhelming as a teen. We have adult emotions in these stupid little bodies and people can be mean. Its sad that he wasnt able to see that there are better days and you can make it out of the darkness but hes living the life right now but please do not blame yourself. Those teen feelings are awful but there was nothing a parent could say that could make some mean comment or sad feeling go away, it was just something you had to work through. It was not your fault and I am willing to bet if he could tell you anything, its to not blame yourself. From the sound of your relationship, I think you were what he needed.

I am sorry I wrote you a novel and I hope my above statements do not hurt you in anyway as I did not mean them to, I am just trying to let you into a teenagers head. I am so happy you are hear and making so much progress! Dont be afraid to say what you need to say or feel or do! Take your time and Kay is right, dont rush the clothes thing. I went through my dads closet and it was hard. I kept half the closet but donated the stuff to help people and kept things that Id die for. I even have his bed sheet in my closet in my college apartment….it still smells like him so I do what I want. No one can tell me otherwise!

[sharirouse]

Can I just say that you guys are sooo funny? You make me laugh and I know this isnt a joking matter but you guys are clever.

Katrina, I definitely think you had a near death experience too! I think its great that you got to see your Poppa and Im glad you are still here with us too! Kudos to you having the strength to give away something of your mom because it would take the Jaws of Life to get something away from me lol

And kay, I think the internet just sucks everywhere. My dad had the issue to and the only reason I have internet is because Im on a college campus and omg the internet is faster at my house with my mom. How sad is that? And to be honest, manuals work better for me too. How in the world am I supposed to get a manual online if I have no internet? Do I summon it or what? Technology has advanced so far but people are still stupid and dont think about things like that.

I feel the same way as Carrie! We will move over for you, Cindy to join us! and Carrie you are so sweet!

I hope I responded to everything, feel free to ask me direct questions if you want a specific opinion. I am attempting to watch TV and type and not study so i might have missed things...

[Guest]

Oh Shari - I told everyone, including the funeral home director and my family, that I would not be viewing the open casket prior to the funeral (which was a closed casket event), but then my husband kinda forced me. I was not kicking and screaming, but scared. Terrified really. But when I did see him there, after initial shock, all I could do was apologize and forgive, over and over, out loud. Thank goodness nobody was there but my husband because I'm certain my other kids would have gotten ill seeing me so openly emotionally tattered.

Since that time I have remembered things that I forgive and apologize for out loud. Usually I'll just be driving alone and remember something and either giggle or cry, depending on the memory, then forgive or apologize depending on the circumstances. Sometimes both. He had a hard time communicating his emotions and thoughts to me, the one person that really wanted to know how was feeling, unfortunately. His disorganized thinking caused us many tiny battles. We overcame them all with patience and a little time, so I thought.

I will remember your advice though, because there are more, I'm certain, that I haven't let myself approach yet, and I'll be sure to write the bigger ones down so that I think them all the way through. I find that if I don't sort through things thoroughly, then I have to revisit them until I do.

I considered writing a standard 'break up' note for friendships and just printing out a few, so I'll be ready when one of my friends finally gets brave enough to approach my home. But then I thought those might never get used and that would bother me even more. But I did type it on my computer for future reference.

Dear friend,

We have traveled through the most awful wilderness of pain that anyone can imagine in the past 3 months. Our grief and agony are beyond what you can comprehend and we pray that you never have to. You probably just want to know how we are doing, and the answer is that we are surviving. We needed more courage and strength than either of us possess, so we leaned on each other, and God, minute by minute, then day by day. Our journey is long, even longer alone, because none of our friends and most of our relatives have mustered up enough courage to just call, or visit, or bring us a meal; we were abandoned. Now that we have crawled out of the shock and initial storm we are not interested in artificial friendships borne of pity, nor out of regret. They can't be anything more or you would have contacted us. Thank you for finally missing us though, and God bless you on your path. We forgive you for your absence but no longer will we be friends. Thank you for your understanding.

Like I said, I haven't printed nor emailed it out to anyone. But it helped to write it. When I was given the opportunity once, I was able to tell it like it is straight to my friend's face, and I think that's because I had thought it out and wrote it out. I can't imagine abandoning people in pain. I don't know that I have ever done that before, but one thing is certain - I won't ever do it in the future.

[Deeana]

Dear Cindy (Matthew's Mom)

First, I want to send you my deepest condolences for the loss of your beloved son Matthew. Although we cannot know your pain, perhaps those of us here can somehow help you to bear it.

My longest, oldest friend (48 years we just figured out) described the loss of her adult son to an accidental drug overdose as "soul shattering". She said she felt as if her actual soul had been torn apart. My sister lost her adult son to a sudden illness. She used similar words. So, while I have experienced the grief of the loss of my beloved father and my beloved husband, I have seen that the loss of a child - to me at least - seems to have almost a destructive element to it.

My friend was badly treated by some members of her family. Several did not even acknowledge the death of her child. Others were seemingly cold and stand-offish at the funeral. We guessed it was somehow related to their disapproval of it being a drug related death. Or something.

My sister was given much more support by friends and family than my friend ever was. So perhaps the manner of death and how people can deal with it does have something to do with how they act and react. I don't know.

What I do know is that it seems some or a lot of people you considered to be your friends have treated you rather shabbily. I have been through this situation twice in my life. The first time was after my first husband and I were divorced. Bingo. End of many, many so-called "friendships" - or at least I thought they were. The second time was after the death of my second husband six years ago. While we had only been married for two years at the time of his death, we had been a couple for 15 years prior to our marriage. After his unexpected cancer death, his entire family just dropped me totally. And I mean dropped. Totally. Why? I'll never know. I know I loved their brother, cared for their brother, nursed their brother to his death.

Now that I am six years out from it, I just look back at it and shake my head. But I was very, very hurt at the time. Hurting from the loss of my husband, hurting at being rebuffed in such a cruel way. So I can say that I relate to that hurt you are having.

What I found with both my friend and my sister was that each seemed to appreciate a "listening ear". Times when they just wanted to talk about their son. Cry about their son. Cry about their loss. Most of the time there was very little I could add. Maybe just to say that yes, my nephew was a very special person and that he was loved by every member of the family. Or that my friend's son was a bubbly, sparkly baby and I remembered babysitting him when he was just a little guy. Things like that.

Again, my sincere condolences,

Deeana

[Guest]

Yes, a listening ear is needed many days. I thank God for my husband and his patience. My daughter is also a good listener. I am beginning to let go of my anger over losing all of my closest friends (but one) and my distant friends, and some of my family members, because I have to. I have to let it go and soften and leave me alone. I'm busy mourning my son. I can't do both. I need to do this fully and well so as to go on with a productive life. It could take me years, but I know that it will take longer and be a bumpier time if I don't let go of the anger that clouds my thinking. They are the dark clouds, so I let them drift away as clouds do. No more rain or storms overhead from them.

It's odd, like you pointed out, that reactions from others during and after funerals have a lot to do with how people die. I never really realized it before, but the more people I talk to about this - the more it's confirmed. I find it very strange and very sad. Grief gets very complicated with suicide. Guilt is multiplied and overwhelming, no matter the circumstances. Why would friends add to this by abandonment is totally foreign to me. So I have studied what I can and talked to my therapist, and to you all. All I can do that is healthy for me is to move away from the anger and resentment it has caused me.

Thanks for caring Deeana.

[Deeana]

Oh, you are welcome, Cindy. I'm so glad your husband and your daughter are good listeners. My friend with the son who overdosed was long divorced from her son's father and living on her own. Her adult daughter lives in another state and while she was supportive of her mother to a certain extent, I think her mother's ongoing deep grief was upsetting to her. Because she was trying to manage her own grief.

You are wise to recognize how anger can pull us down. And the thing is, it is not that your anger is not justified. I guess those of us who were let down at a very bad time in life by those we thought we could count on will at the very least take valuable lessons away from that experience. And it will shape how we act in the future under similar circumstances.

I too never realized about the reactions from others being so different until I went through the funeral of my friend's son. Quite frankly, I didn't and still don't get it.

I have not experienced the grief of a suicide death. I know from the reading on grief that I did when my husband died that it is considered to be a complicated grief. You mentioned guilt as being a part of it. My friend had a lot of guilt related to her son's overdose death also. Having to do with her feeling that if she had been a better mother her child would not have been using heroin. She had no idea that was the case. They lived in different cities, he was a married adult with a wife and child. She thought he had a drinking problem and he was scheduled to enter a rehab program the next day. Her counselor told her that often times they will see a person who is going to enter rehab have "one last big party". So this was apparently her son's "last party" - and that is what it turned out to be.

It is almost nine years for her now. She has finally come to terms with it. I would say it took her 5 or 6 years to finally be at peace.

My sister also had a tough recovery. It took her maybe a little less, maybe about 5 years.

I am telling you these times because I think if I were in the situation I would want to know how some others did. I know that everybody is different, but still, if I met someone and they said their child had died, I would ask them how long it took them to come to peace about it. Notice I did not say "get over it". That I have learned, you never "get over it", whether it is a beloved child or a beloved spouse.

Deeana

[kayc]

I don't remember feeling angry when it happened to me so much as in a state of disbelief and confusion...all I could think about my friends that abandoned me when George died (also when I went through divorce earlier) was "why"? I wasn't surprised by George's family, although he would have been. They were messed up. But my friends? I don't get that! They were callous! I never would have dreamed that!

[Guest]

Deeana, I've read a lot as well. It helps me to read other people's grief journeys after suicide. I agree with you KayC - it's callous, almost vile, the way they abandoned us. I see them now as the type of people that would surely not run to save us from a fire or other catastrophe. Now they are the kind that would turn their backs and pretend it wasn't happening. No matter what they say to me in the future, if anything, I can only see them this way.

My mom was such a giver, and was always concerned about her nieces and nephews no matter the troubles they were in. She'd fly all over the country for every birth, every loss, every major sickness, every wedding. When any of us have a decision to make - we always say now - what would Loretta do? I knew this about her and assumed that I'd receive the same concern from her sisters after her death. I haven't. I haven't even gotten a phone call. All of those cousins of mine (about 60 of them in total) haven't called either. How? How? I surrender to the question. They aren't my mom. They can't behave like she did. I'll do my best to carry on her legacy, after I mourn for a while longer. What I won't do is pretend that it's ok. Someday I will tell them how their non-action is the worst. It's not like they aren't aware of my needs, my loss, my turmoil, my grief. They are aware. For friends - I got angry. For close relatives like these - I got hurt. But, neglect might not seem sinful to them. It did to my mom. And I will tell them, without a doubt. When I'm stronger.