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Do You Feel "abandoned" By Family And/or Friends


widower

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mathilde,

I'm sorry for the loss of your mother.  I lost my mother to dementia three years ago but it wasn't sudden.

I'm sorry also that your family/friends aren't there for you as you need them to be.  I agree that we have to be explicit with people about what we need but sometimes even that doesn't help.  When my husband passed away, my family was there for me although they really didn't have a clue what I was going through.  All our friends disappeared, however!  My two best friends didn't even bother attending his funeral!  (both of them local)

it's true that death can rewrite your friends list.  I made a new best friend but after a few years she moved to another state.  I'm working on building new relationships, it's slow go and I'm still not there yet, not where I'd like it to be.  It's hard work!

All you can do is be honest with your "friend" about how you feel and show her the way back if she's interested.  I read an article years ago that really impacted me, it talked about how different people want different things out of friendship.  After a time we may outgrow a friendship or find our lives have gone in different directions and it's no longer working.  Although it'd be nice to have friends for life, sometimes it's just for a time and we have to let it go a different pathway.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/11/in-grief-feeling-let-down-by-closest.html 

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/grief-support-when-others-fail-to-meet.html

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Dear Kayc,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply and for your links, I appreciate it.  I am sorry for your losses, your mother and your husband.  Two very big losses.  Its hard when people we expect to be there aren't.  It can not only hurt but also feels insulting.  Its very difficult to build meaningful friendships all over again as it takes years to build a friendship and know someone and for them to know you.  Much harder when you're older.  I appreciate the links.  I will re read and reflect on the words.  Thank you.

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And I pray for you and I that we make new friends, ones better suited for us in this phase of our lives.

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  • 1 month later...

It seems to be normal for people to abandon you when you have been bereaved. My husband died in August and most of the people who visited him to the end plus friends and my step children have disappeared as if by a conjuring trick!  I have compared notes with other widows and they had exactly the same experience. Some say that people don’t know what to say do they drop out, others say that once you are a widow you are perceived as a threat. Whatever the reasons it came as a shock to me.

Looking at the positive side, they have done me a huge favour by identifying themselves as people who are not worth wasting my time and emotionally energy on.

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@Lynne Joyce
I am sorry for your loss, and sorry you have felt abandoned by people.  I went through the same thing when my husband died.  I would never do that to someone and I truly don't get it.  I know they say people treat death as if it's contagious, that it's a reminder to them of their own mortality, that it's not pleasant, they don't know what to say, they want to fix things and can't, etc. etc. etc.  But what does their absenting themselves from us say to us?  We are abandoned twice, once by death, and again by them.

I made new friends, but they have now moved or died (it's been twelve years for me) so here I am starting all over, trying to make friends again.  It's hard because everyone already has their friends and family, but still I persevere. 

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On Saturday, February 03, 2018 at 2:09 PM, Lynne Joyce said:

, others say that once you are a widow you are perceived as a threat.

That I cannot understand. How could we widows/ers be a threat and to what exactly? Whoever thinks that/makes you feel that way, doesn't deserve any minute from your time or energy. 

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I lost my two dogs and my husband within three weeks of each other last August and my mother is on the point of dying. I don’t think that it is a case of imagining that I have been abandoned, it is an actual fact. The people who visited my husband right to the end have all disappeared as if by a magic trick. I have compared notes with other widows and it seems that this is commonplace. They have their reasons. I wrote this poem to make sense of it -

Moving On

 

I’m starting to get being widowed

But I still haven’t figured out how

Those who used to be friends

Right to his end

Have stopped being friends with me now.

 

I know I’m a social pariah,

But I still do not quite comprehend

What it was I acquired

When my husband expired 

That made those relationships end.

 

Most of the people who knew me

Now never visit or call,

They don’t message or phone,

Though they know I’m alone,

They show me no interest at all.

 

It was shocking that it was so sudden,

Soon after he died I was dropped,

Once the rituals were done

Those people were gone,

And all interaction just stopped.

 

They say you find out who your friends are

When the going gets tough, and that’s true,

So the friends I have left

When they are bereft

Will find that I’m true to them too.

 

Those who left me have done me a favour,

They have outed themselves and saved me

From wasting my time

On a strange pantomime

With jokers without loyalty.

 

Moving on, moving up is my mission,

New people, new places, new things

The future is bright,

Without having the blight

Of the anguish abandonment brings.

 

04.02.2018

 

 

 

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13 hours ago, scba said:

That I cannot understand. How could we widows/ers be a threat and to what exactly? Whoever thinks that/makes you feel that way, doesn't deserve any minute from your time or energy. 

Ana,

Years ago there was the view that widows were loose and looking to steal husbands.  I honestly haven't run across that view in my twelve years of being widowed, or if I have, I failed to notice it, but women held a little tighter to their husbands and the widow wasn't welcome...they felt safer in a couples world so the widow was excluded.  I really haven't seen that, I think that was more a thing from centuries past, but perhaps it's a cultural thing and it exists in some parts, I don't know.  It's a stupid, stupid view with little validity.  Most of us are so in grief over losing our husbands and the last thing on our minds is acquiring someone else's!  We're just trying to get through the day as it is.

I honestly don't think most of our ex-friends deliberately set out to abandon us, I think it occurred naturally without forethought.  I think death and grief is uncomfortable as a topic, that they don't want to be around someone in shock, someone sad, someone they don't know what to say to, someone whose situation they can't help or fix, and it makes them uncomfortable being around us because they know good and well if it could happen to us, it could happen to them and they don't want that reminder.  They want to enjoy life, have fun, superfluous and superficial as it might be, it's preferable to what we're going through.  So they call their other friends to get together and ignore us.  

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  • 1 year later...

To Widower : You are very lucky just to receive a trickle of acknowledgement, interest or just someone to say "hello how are you."  Why do I say this?  Because I lost 3 members of my family three years ago and all within weeks of each other.  My last surviving sister died last December 2018.  I got NOTHING from extended family members, NO SYMPATHY, NO EMPATHY, NO CARD, NO HELP - NOTHING.  All I got was LAUGHED AT, MOCKED and RIDICULED as these evil morons gatecrashed my youngest sister's funeral.  Then to cap it all, I was threatened by them because I sent them a Christmas Card during Christmas 2016.  So, like I said, you are so VERY LUCKY to have heard anything at all.

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@Susieace  I am very sorry for your experience.  It's very hard when family/friends do not respond adequately to grief/loss.

The following article can not only apply to friends, but family members as well:

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/11/in-grief-feeling-let-down-by-closest.html

Grief can have a way of rearranging your address book!

 

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  • 8 months later...

MY 26 year old daughter died Feb 21, 2018, my brother died 5 months later. Last day I saw my mother and sisters was about 6 days after my brothers death. My brother was disappointed with them before he died, although he never said anything to them.

 They never visited him in hospital the many times he almost died, and when he did they weren't there.

I don't understand why they were like this and I don't understand why they left me on my own. I guess I was never really part of their family.

Everyday I cry, everyday my heart feels like it's breaking and everyday I have no answers.

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I am so sorry for your losses, that is a lot to go through in such a short time.  I'm sorry your mom and sisters weren't there for you.  Some people aren't good copers and don't know what to say/do so they do nothing...I know, no excuse, huh, nothing excuses it, just saying that's how some are.  It does not necessarily mean they don't care for you or for your brother, just that they don't know how to be there for others going through it.  It's up to you to pick and choose who you care to spend time with and don't and it could be you prefer to be around someone who came through for you.  Grief has a way of rewriting our address book, that's for sure.

It might help you to try a grief support group to get to know others who get it.  I hope you're seeing a grief counselor, that is a lot to try to make your way through on your own.  I'm sorry, I can't think of anything harder than losing your child.  I've lost my husband, pets, friends, parents, sister, niece, nephew, it seems the older I get the more grief I live with.  My heart goes out to you and I send wishes of comfort to you.

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  • 1 month later...

Have you tried talking with her about it?

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  • 3 weeks later...

Abandoned by both family & friends after the death of my mom. Older sister with Alzheimer's is in a home. Older brother has wife to help support him emotionally & keep him company. When I was handling the executor duties of mom's estate & had money to dish out, he was very interested in maintaining a familial relationship with me. Once the money was dealt he was completely done with me. I've done yardwork, shoveled snow, bought dinner for us all so we could share time together (and he has *way* more income coming in than I do!), sent emails, stopped by his house to visit (3 doors up from me & half the time or more he doesn't even bother to answer the door), brought him cookies & cakes, tried phone calls (about as interested in me as he would be talking to a collection agency)….none of these actions is EVER reciprocated! Mom & dad would be rolling in their graves...we were ALL a loving family back in the day! I can't depend on my brother for anything---not even a ride out of town to have a cancer surgery performed. He could take paid time off work without any problem to do so, but the fact is he just doesn't care about me at all. I have to rely on a neighbor couple to take me! Neighbors/friends are all shocked &  sad to hear how callous my brother is! Yet he has time & money to lavish over a young woman & her daughter that he met in an internet marketplace site & will travel to the next state to visit her family any time she asks. And he thinks I don't love him!!! Ha! I've done everything in my power to show him that I did, but now I am backing away completely. Ditto with my former best friend who also hasn't had much time for me since my mom passed away---too close to home for her & her 90+ year old mother. So, death has taught me a lot about life. Most importantly it's taught me that the people you truly think will always have your back are not the ones who will be there for you at all; it's the folks you least expect who will actually step up to the plate for you with love & assistance. A hard pill to swallow, but a sorrowful fact of life. Moral of the story: just because someone is related to you by blood does not mean they are related to you by heart. Be strong, navigate your own way in this world & enjoy the blessing of having those who do care surround you.

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@Omar  I'm sorry this has been your experience, but you have done everything you could and then some.  I think I would back off too.  It's hard knowing what other people's trips are, but we can't change them, and you are so right about it's not always the ones you'd think that have your backs.  I lost all my friends overnight when my husband died, but I've made new ones since.  

Wishing you the best...

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  • 1 month later...

I was never a very social creature. But I sincerely don't know, have never ever heard anyone opine that widows were looking to steal someone else's man. What I think happens more often is people don't know how to include single people in their social circle (maybe TV show "The Unicorn' will help, or since they seem to be such busybodies, maybe not) or they feel, not even think, "There but for the grace of God go I."  If you families pull away, I'm sorry. That's hurtful. I'm not close to mine especially, but my siblings have been supportive when needed.

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I'm glad you have your siblings.  Mine mean the world to me, although they have no idea what it's like to lose your husband as they all still have theirs, but they are supportive and that means a lot.

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  • 4 months later...

Yes, I know. I heard nothing from my brothers. I finally called. Their numbers were changed. The email addresses were closed. The business was closed. I looked online and they sold their house. They moved out of state. Clearly scraping me off their shoe like old gum. I never heard from them again.

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On 6/19/2020 at 3:51 AM, old gum said:

Yes, I know. I heard nothing from my brothers. I finally called. Their numbers were changed. The email addresses were closed. The business was closed. I looked online and they sold their house. They moved out of state. Clearly scraping me off their shoe like old gum. I never heard from them again.

Wow, I am so sorry!  Unreal!  You are NOT old gum and shouldn't be treated as such, shame on them!  I do not hear from my brother.

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  • 3 weeks later...

My husband has recently passed in May from liver cancer, his family brother and sister were there to help with his 24 hour care taking turns every 5 days  the last 2 months. I am very grateful, i would not have been able to do it by myself . However the day after his passing they left early in the morning ( they each live about hour away). They said that they would be there to help me with anything i needed. ( i really dont like when people say things they dont mean) His brother did come up for 5 hours to help me cut, split and stack fire wood along with a few other family members one day. .  they only manged to get a very small amount done, it seemed more of a party for them.  Other then the cards  from a few of his family members, I havent heard from anyone.  I have called a few of them, but  the conversion normally goes like.. It must be tough being alone, arent you scared to be home alone? when so and so passed i at least had  family stopping by often to help me thru the first year. You must be really lonely. If you need anything let me know, so i do and its one excuse after another of why they cant help.

 I do have my son who i talk to to on the phone everyday ( most of the time it helps, but sometimes it makes it worse) he lives on the other side of the country. With covid  he can not travel, my grandson is only 3, and i would not want him to get on an airplane at this time.

I am very lonely and i am trying my best to take care of things , cutting the grass, making arrangements for a new roof, i cant cut the wood  i do have the neighbors son who will come and cut some every few weeks. i try to operate the splitter when he is there in case i get hurt someone will be around. 

I dont understand why people are so mean, how come no one checks to see if i am ok? I was very close to our friends and family. I am scared to death to think about what the holidays will do to me.

Do people no longer care.. I feel like they are saying, it sucks to be you.

 I do work 3rd shift, but when i wake up in the afternoon is when it hits me, that i am so alone just like they tell me.

 

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@huntersb  I am so sorry for your loss.  What you are describing is very common.  When my husband died, ALL of our friends disappeared overnight.  My two best friends didn't even bother coming to his funeral, instead deciding to do other fun things.  They are no longer my friends.  Those who said, "If you need anything just let me know."  also did not apparently mean it.  I do remember one elderly man showing up and weedwhacking (I have a large property), I thought that was sweet.  My plumbing stopped up after George died, and I called someone who I know owns a snake, asked for his help, he said no.  I called someone else and he asked if I'd called this other guy as he doesn't own a snake, I told him yes and he said "What did he say?"  I said, "He said, 'No!'"  He said "He won't tell ME no!"  Within minutes they were both at my place, wives in tote, snake in hand, spent a good half hour trying to get it unclogged, finally with success.  I had no money for a plumber, my income just cut in half, hospital/doctor/ambulance bills pouring in.  That gesture meant a lot.  I figure if you get any help from anyone at all, be grateful, no matter how small, but for the most part, we ARE on our own.  I hire what I can't do, not that I can afford it but if it needs done, it needs done.  I hire a neighbor to bring me firewood, clean the chimney, blow off the roof, clean the gutters, seal the chimney, mow my lawn, and do the weedwhacking.  I just figure it into my budget.  He also cuts any trees that need cut or trimmed.  I appreciate him so much!  At first I did my own yardwork but I'm aging and have had some injuries, my hands, knees, feet hurt pretty much non-stop although my feet are much better with some health measures I've taken.
My kids were good support in the beginning but naturally have moved on with their lives and no longer live here.  I can talk to my sisters by phone and I know they care but they don't have a clue what this is like as they still have their husbands.  You can't know what you haven't been through.  Right now I'm having to have a neighbor come over at 6:30 am to change the bandaging on my back following my surgery.  I so appreciate her volunteering to do this!  I hate asking for help.  I save it for when I really need it!

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/11/in-grief-feeling-let-down-by-closest.html
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/friendships_b_2838996

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/friendship-why-i-not-longer-hold-onto-relationships-that-no-longer-serve-me_b_8027096
 

I do want to point out, before hastily discarding any friends, which of course is your prerogative, you might want to let it go gradually and give yourself time for some clarity so you don't have any regrets.  Many people in our society just do not know how to be supportive.  Our society in general pretty much sucks in this area.  Dr. Phil tells us we have to teach people how to treat us, I believe that!  Sometimes we have to point out when a response is inappropriate and educate them a bit.  Sometimes we have to call and ASK for help and be specific about what you want.  We also have to recognize that they also have busy lives, families to take care of, jobs to go to, and living a couple of hours away is a bit of a hardship for any regular basis.  

I want to give you this article I wrote of the things I'd found helpful over the years, in the hopes something in it might be of help to you.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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I lost my beloved wife 3 months ago. My family and Merys family all called and messaged for about 2 weeks, then not a word. I am kind of relieved to find I am not alone in this.Not only did they stop communicating, her brother is trying to steal her daughters inheritance of a house and all her belongings. If my grief wasnt enough. My daughter is starting a law suit, I left town and she told me to forget about it, do not talk to her brother. she will handle it. Just an example of how a family crisis brings out the best and worst in them.

I guess people stop calling partly because the don't want to think of their own mortality, or they think I dont want to be disturbed, or maybe they have run out of "im sorry" "she is in a better place" and bull like that. None in the family have  lost a spouse. Mery was the first in our generation. So they cannot begin to understand how I am  hurting. This is the most terrible, awful thing I have ever faced in my 73 years. We were together for 51 years. I lost her to cancer. She was screaming in pain. She died in my arms. Hugging her as I did for so many years. All wasted away from that monster. She said she was sorry she got sick. Imagine her saying that? So the relatives cannot begin to understand the anguish a person has when they lose a beloved spouse.

 

 

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Oh Mick, I am so sorry, your post here really touched me, and you are so right about everything you state here.

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