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Do You Feel "abandoned" By Family And/or Friends


widower

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Thank you for the response and the advice. So sorry to hear about your operation, happy to hear a neighbor is helping.

I know what you mean about how difficult it is to ask others to help. I am the kind of person who has always helped other when I saw the need, No one has ever had to ask. I just do it. So its difficult for me to understand why no one helps me.

I really don’t like living alone, I feel that if I did have friends/ Family around it would help. Getting back to work is somewhat helping while I am there but once I come home I am sad. 

Again thank you for your response,

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It was just a day surgery and is not a big deal except I can't bandage my own back.  It is SOOO hard for me to ask for help!  Goes against my grain, I've had to take care of myself for so long and am fiercely independent!

After George died, it was hard to come home to an empty house, I had pets, but you know what I mean.  He wasn't always here when I got home but I knew he would be, therein lies the difference!  It took quite a while for the changes to sink in and reach the point where I no longer expected it or it didn't hit me so hard.  I prefer being married to being alone, but I also realize that not just any marriage would do...he was "the one!"

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Happy to hear that your health is doing ok, but so sorry for your loss, and when bringing up friends and family, they seemed to have literally disappeared, kinda like if it's not yesterdays news, then it's passe, the friends that I use to get calls from have stopped, their lives have continued on, as which they should, they have gotten over the grief, and I don't blame them for it, so when speaking with me, they see that I have not gotten over anything, I still live in my past, if you ask me how I am doing, I will say that WE are doing fine, and will include Nancy in the conversation, they tend to think that I am not facing reality, well they are not with me at the end of the day, when I am physically alone, if that's not hard reality, then I don't know what is, I keep Nancy alive, and no one seems to understand that, so I suppose they just don't want to hear it, and that's ok, it lets me know where they stand, as there are still a cpl of friends that are still in there with us, as you mentioned with George, my Nancy was and still is the only one for me!!!  I wish you all the best with your days and nights, and are able to hold onto some comfort, Take care.

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Had a bad day yesterday and agin today, the tears keep flowing. I cant even stop long enough to go to the store. I feel as if I have regressed. I had  a memory flash of my husband and I during a family reunion he was driving and we were going to a flea market, laughing and having a good time.. I guess I realized that it will never happen again and threw me off in a crying spree. I had texted a friend to chat with last night and of course the only response was I am so sorry. I though they were a friend anyway. I would have called but it so hard to talk on the phone, I think it would be easier to talk in person, maybe that human interaction would help I really miss it. I cant help it I feel abandoned not only by my husband who passed but by everyone. My son does call to check in on me and I know he lives 2000 miles away, but I still feel abandoned. I just need a big hug and to feel someone’s arms around me telling me I will be ok. Like my husband did. He was a great hugger. I know what you mean by the saying we part, I signed a Thank you card with both of our names. 

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I felt that too when George died, everyone ditched fort!  It's like they moved, left no forwarding address!  If I called them it "wasn't a good time, could they call me back?"  Only they never did.

I've had to do this on my own.  If not for this place, I don't know...

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@huntersbAll of what you describe is very common, natural and to be expected.  What looks like regression is one of many switchback roads that we encounter on this journey, where the road doubles back on itself and you could swear you were just here a bit ago.

It appears the date of your loss was about 2 months ago, and I would like to suggest that you be very gentle with yourself yet.  These realizations of what was lost, what can never be again, will hit you over and over again.  Special days, anniversaries, holidays etc all will come marching on and you will find yourself swamped all over again.

It is hard to be isolated, and in these times it's even more pronounced when you can't be around others.  Grieving in these times is magnified many times over, it seems.  🙁

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2 hours ago, Kieron said:

What looks like regression is one of many switchback roads that we encounter on this journey, where the road doubles back on itself and you could swear you were just here a bit ago.

Such a perfect description, this is! You do have a way with words, my friend! ♥️

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I understand that others have gotten over the grief that we all shared at one time, when a lending ear was so easy to find, and they were so understandable, they have processed it through, but they still have their lives intact, they've lost no identity, their lives are as mine once was, just keeping the status quo, going to work, paying the bills, nothing has changed for them, sure they don't have my Nancy to call anymore,  but at the end of the day, their significant other is still there to listen and support them, and to tell them that their loved!! the only person on this planet that understood me and loved me unconditionally is gone, the only one that I could rely on is not here to tell me that everything is going to be alright, even when things weren't, as long as we were together it didn't matter, I always told Nancy the world could come to an end, and that I would have no fear, as long as we faced it together, well the world did come to an end, and no one, absolutely no one understands that!! I can't bring Nancy back, god how I wish I could, I asked the Creator to come back and take me, and that I would take her place, but to let her breathe again, and live out her life, but I guess it was listened to, so now I have to wait to get to her, and each day is a new chapter in pain, pain that never goes away, so i just wait!! Thank you

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What you are saying is so true...that's why your grief and theirs is not shared even though the person you all loved is one and the same...your relationship with her was different.  For them, they CAN go on, for you it's much more difficult, for you, you have but to live with it.:wub:

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  • 3 weeks later...

I lost my Mom on September 18, 2019. Her 10+ year journey with ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease) affected my entire family. My Sister and I were her caregivers, which especially took a toll on us. She was a quadriplegic for several years and it was difficult as my Mom was fully cognitive until the end -the emotional, physical, and spiritual suffering was extensive.

I have found the grief process to be a very lonely journey. To my despair, my friends avoid me, and when I do reach out to them, they just talk about themselves. I find that in their selfishness, they do not care to understand.

One evening I called a ‘supposed’ friend and asked her how she was doing. She immediately responded by asking me how I was, to which I responded that “I’m doing okay…” and elaborated on a few things. She then yelled that I should “get over it” and that I should allow myself “three days to grieve”. My heart broke. I told her that I needed to go and then hung up. She then responded by texting a picture of the sunset.

Now, this is a person with whom I thought was my friend. I talked her through the death of her estranged Father, took her to doctor’s appointment after having foot surgery, and overall, and was there for her when she wanted to talk.

I am confused as to why my grief is such a burden to others. I do not elaborate heavily; I just share basics such as “I miss my Mom terribly.” It is cruelty at it’s worst.

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20 hours ago, Grief Stricken said:

I lost my Mom on September 18, 2019. Her 10+ year journey with ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease) affected my entire family. My Sister and I were her caregivers, which especially took a toll on us. She was a quadriplegic for several years and it was difficult as my Mom was fully cognitive until the end -the emotional, physical, and spiritual suffering was extensive.

I have found the grief process to be a very lonely journey. To my despair, my friends avoid me, and when I do reach out to them, they just talk about themselves. I find that in their selfishness, they do not care to understand.

One evening I called a ‘supposed’ friend and asked her how she was doing. She immediately responded by asking me how I was, to which I responded that “I’m doing okay…” and elaborated on a few things. She then yelled that I should “get over it” and that I should allow myself “three days to grieve”. My heart broke. I told her that I needed to go and then hung up. She then responded by texting a picture of the sunset.

Now, this is a person with whom I thought was my friend. I talked her through the death of her estranged Father, took her to doctor’s appointment after having foot surgery, and overall, and was there for her when she wanted to talk.

I am confused as to why my grief is such a burden to others. I do not elaborate heavily; I just share basics such as “I miss my Mom terribly.” It is cruelty at it’s worst.

I want to welcome you here, I am so sorry for your loss!  To have loss is great enough, but to have "friends" let you down in your grief just exacerbates it!  When my husband suddenly passed five days after his 51st birthday, I was stunned that ALL of our friends disappeared overnight!  My two best friends did not even bother showing up at his funeral, instead opting to make plans to do something more enjoyable.  I make a point of going to funerals for my friends, whether it's "enjoyable" or not, it's part of honoring the person who died as well as being there for their family.  Where is compassion in people today?  They have a lot to learn!

I hope these articles will be helpful to you.  I found that grief rewrote my address book.  If this is how their behavior continues, honestly, we don't need that.  It is okay to cut them loose.  I have worked on making new friends and I guarantee they are not so shallow as the former ones.  One of those "friends" since passed and her husband hit on me!  Not amused.  He has since passed too.  Amazing.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/grief-support-when-others-fail-to-meet.html
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/friendships_b_2838996
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/11/in-grief-feeling-let-down-by-closest.html
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/friendship-why-i-not-longer-hold-onto-relationships-that-no-longer-serve-me_b_8027096

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  • 3 months later...

This is a very interesting topic.  I've read many of the posts on this topic and many of the situations are very sad.  It's so unfortunate when you go through a crisis it can bring out peoples' true colors.

Around the time my father died, he had pretty much cut himself off from everyone.  He was an angry and miserable human being in life, and it didn't help that he had some mental issues the last 10-15 years.  Now to be fair with my dad, his relatives weren't exactly the warmest people to begin with; what didn't help this was most still lived in China and the first couple of decades of the communist regime it produced a lot of very self-centered people.  He didn't have many relatives in the US, and as his few friends died one by one it further isolated him.  The one relative in the area who visited us on a regular basis eventually stopped after his funeral service; for a time I felt a little abandoned by them until she actually did call my mom once a few years later.  At this point I have no idea if they are still alive.  Now I still have some communication with some of his friend's family members so I feel fortunate for that.

With my mother's recent death, I am fortunate that my friends have been very understanding.  Most of them have gone through what I'm currently going through and are always trying to encourage me to get out of the house to meet up and have some enjoyment even in this age of COVID-19.

Some of my mom's close friends also still call me periodically to see how I'm doing.  Of course, because of COVID they're staying a bit away since they're all a bit older.  One of them recently became a grandmother and also retired from her job so she now has a new job as a babysitter.  I hope I will continue a relationship with them especially when this COVID mess starts to calm down.

As for my relatives on my mom's side, pretty much all of them are elsewhere in North America and overseas and of course are staying away because of COVID.  Depending on who it is, I don't mind not dealing with them right now.  When I was forced to be her only caregiver, many of the older relatives (my mom's siblings) didn't mind calling and lecturing me on what I should do and of course because they were my elders I was supposed to obey without any question.  At a time when I wanted sympathy and support I felt I didn't get much of that; the bull in a china shop approach doesn't particularly work with me.  Maybe in that sense I felt "abandoned" even though I understand that COVID was the reason they stayed away.  Fortunately relatives on another side of my mom's family have been a bit softer and more understanding and have come to see me albeit briefly each time.  In any event I will eventually deal with relatives once I am able to transport my mom's ashes to the west coast to her burial spot next to my grandmother, and who knows when that will happen.

Of course I don't know what's going to happen in the coming years.  I used to have more relatives where I lived but life goes on and people move on so now I am it.  This is where I will need friends more and more.  My older relatives are up there in age, and I have no idea how my relationship with my cousins will be like.  I'll just have to take things a day at a time.

Jeff

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22 hours ago, jc1030 said:

the bull in a china shop approach doesn't particularly work with me.

I don't think it gets very far with any of us!  You were good to not only take care of her, but listen to her relatives and friends, it would have been nice had you gotten more helpful support.  I really hope the relationships that were positive can continue to stay in your life, even if you can't be together in person during COVID, even seeing each other on video chat or phone can help.  It's a hard time to feel so isolated, I know!
 

22 hours ago, jc1030 said:

I'll just have to take things a day at a time.

That's been my mantra for over 15 years and will continue to be the rest of my life.

Wishing you well...

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Reach out to them.  If your lonely, join some groups.  Friends and or family sometimes have no idea what to say.  They are waiting for you to tell them.  My husband and I were married for 28 wonderful and fun years.  We belonged to a sailing club and were active with many friend groups.  It was hard at first, going without him.  It has only been a year since he passed suddenly.  It gets easier doing some of these things by yourself.  I love our friends and family.  Don't lose those connections waiting for them to come to you.  Go to them!  They will welcome you with open arms...they just don't know how to begin.

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  • 10 months later...

I know this thread is somewhat old, but I am trying to come to grasp with the distance in my marriage concerning our grief. Almost 2.5 years ago we lost our son, stillborn. While, at the same time, almost losing my wife during the birth. The first 3 months or so I was in significant shock and really not much use to anyone, including myself. I still went to work and tried to carry on as normal. But after about 6 months or so I was starting to finally realize as to what we had lost and expressing some real feelings of loneliness and emptiness to my wife. She pretty much dismissed my feelings and told me that she was pretty much healed and didn't feel that way at all. I asked that "didn't you need me for anything, any support?" She point blankly told me no, she didn't need me for her grief or support. I have continually asked for more support only to be stonewalled and to have my feelings invalidated, while still trying to offer anything for her. I have been to counseling and it has helped somewhat. We have 2 younger children and my focus has been in taking care of them. But I feel that my marriage has taken an almost hollow feeling and I find it very difficult to connect on anything with my wife concerning our son's death. I know some may be saying that the writing is on the wall, so to speak, but I find it difficult to come to grips as to how shut-out I feel by her. I know grief is very personal and we each have to make our own journey. But I don't have anyone else for support and she is the only other person that knows what it's like to lose our son. She has refused to go to counseling and tells me to look for joy in life, rather than the dark-side. I understand, but I feel if we can't connect on some level, that it may be a rift that resides in our relationship forever. at least for me. If anyone has any thoughts they could contribute I would be most grateful. 

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I'm so sorry to learn of the challenges you're facing, my friend. Clearly you and your wife have different grieving styles ~ but that does not negate your own grief and your legitimate need for understanding and support. Since your wife doesn't offer what you need and refuses to go to counseling, might you consider looking for other sources of support, such as books, articles and support groups designed for and aimed specifically at men who are grieving? Kelly Farley is one author who  comes to mind; his book Grieving Dads: To the Brink and Back includes not only his own story of having lost two unborn babies in the span of 18 months, but also the accounts of other bereaved fathers who are mourning the loss of a child. (Click on the book's title to read Amazon's description and reviews.) Read more about Kelly on his Grieving Dads website, and find more of his writings at Open to Hope

See also Silent Grief: Pregnancy and Infant Loss and How We Mourn: Understanding Our Differences. (Note that both these articles include additional resources listed at their bases.)

And you may find this one helpful as well: Does Child Loss Destroy A Marriage?

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I am so sorry for all you have been going through and are going through.  People handle grief differently but it's hard when you don't feel connection for so long.  Have you considered a grief support group?  I imagine you feel her answers dismissive or invalidating to you and that doesn't help how you feel.  Our feelings just "are" and we deal with them the best way we know how to but in grief it feels we're scrambling to keep abreast!  I have known people who lost their children and it seems it either tore them apart or drew them together.  Perhaps it'd be best to each deal with your grief in your own way, what does your specialist suggest?  

It could be that your wife is putting off dealing with it or thinks she has but has buried it, if so it will surface for her to deal with eventually, sometimes that can be years.  But perhaps she really is a glass half full person, but that doesn't make YOU wrong either!  I am a realist, and try to look at all sides of things (very analytical, to a fault!) so I see the empty and positive sides.  I wrote these "tips" ten years after the sudden premature loss of my husband, not sure if any of it will help you but I hope something will!  It's not meant to be an all or nothing or to just address early loss, but at any point in our grief journey.  We both know it's not just an "over and done with" journey.  It's ongoing and evolving.

Tips to Make Your Way through Grief

 

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Marty, thanks for the reply!

Yes! I have read Mr. Farley's book! It has definitely helped me understand my own process. I have also read countless other books: "it's ok, that you're not ok" By Megan Devine; "A Grief Observed" By C.S. Lewis.....to name a few. I've scoured the web and read blogs. Plus with the help of my counselor I am really starting to understand MY grief.

Connecting with all these books and other such people who have gone through the same thing, while all comforting in it's own right; but what escapes me is the one person that I want to connect with: my wife. It's really been 2 long years of gently trying to connect and talk with her about our experience. I guess my feeling, is that she doesn't like to talk about it, even though she claims that she's 'healed' and that very well may be and I can somewhat respect that. But the only way to find a connection, IS to talk about it. This 'division' if you will, has really hampered our marriage and intimacy. I find it hard to share with her now how I feel and what I feel. I have been turned away so many times, that it has started to become emotionally exhausting to try and reach her on this subject, amongst other emotional things that happen in our daily lives.

Once the covid fiasco is over I plan to join a local compassionate friends group to continue to help with my journey of healing. Thanks for listening.

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I'm glad you will do something helpful for yourself as soon as you are able.  We can't control others but can make positive choices for ourselves going forward. :wub:  Hopefully she will do the same for herself someday...

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Kayc

Thanks for the responses.

You are correct, we all have our way of dealing with things. I totally understand that. When I lost my father, it was hit or miss as to how I wanted to talk about it. The challenge with losing a child, is that it's a shared experience, right? I mean everything else was shared. Preparing for the arrival of our child, pregnancy and of course conception. So I have an issue with not sharing in the grief, as well. Trying to celebrate what little life he may have had or won't have. It's a very abstract feeling. And you are correct, things like this either tear us apart or bring us together. Sometimes it's just hard to come to grips with the former on that. it's hard to not only lose my son, but slowly watching my marriage erode is almost as painful. I truly wish I could help her in some ways, but sometimes, I guess for reasons unknown, our closest loved ones don't want help. My counselor has suggested trying to connect in other ways, but looking back, our dynamic had been on cruise control for so long--so it's definitely a big hill to climb on this one. Thanks for all the resources, I find that anything I look through has some resonance and I try to take what I can from each thing I read through.

As for being a realist, I understand completely, but this one has shook me to the core and has honestly broken me. I try and go about my daily life, but sometimes it just catches me as to what we lost and it doesn't seem real sometimes. I try to focus on my other kids and try to be as compassionate as possible, since they too lost something. Life is never easy, but I never thought it would be this hard. Thanks for listening!

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23 hours ago, Eiffel_Tower said:

The challenge with losing a child, is that it's a shared experience, right?

It can be handled that way, but many do not because people handle grief differently, in their own time and way.  
Grief Process
Child Loss
Child loss indefinite
Thinking About Continuing Bonds | Psychology Today

Continuing bonds with a child may seem more challenging than with an adult, but honoring them in some way can help, it's okay to talk aloud to to the deceased (many of us do), no resounding answers back, but it helps all the same!

Your not feeling it's real is normal with grief, we feel shock, unreality, want to wake up from this bad dream, it takes a long time to assimilate this.  I'm glad you have a counselor.  It can take a long time to connect again.  Sometimes commitment has to carry us through the hard places when feelings disconnect.  

Life can be very hard, I've found it to be so...some seem to have it easier, Lord knows I've asked "why" many times, never got an answer.  I just try to deal with it one day at a time, one bit at a time, that's more than enough.

 

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Kayc-

Thanks for the links, very helpful.

I guess maybe I had too high of expectation on how my wife and I were going to 'heal' together. Honestly, I thought we'd take care of each other in this instance, but it really looks like she doesn't need me for that or wants to give it. So, for me that's hard and I don't know how I feel about all of it. Should I hold it against her for not wanting to talk about our situation, while at the same time minimizing my feelings, or do I just chalk this up, to well that's how she grieves and leave it at that? 'Cause I have to tell you, it leaves quite the void between us, at least for me. How she feels about it? it's uncertain and she certainly won't say anything or talk to me; so we aren't calibrated. It puts me in quite the bind and when we are so far apart on things, it's hard to strike the balance between what I need and what she needs. Welcome to marriage, right? Anyways, thanks for all the feed back, much appreciated!

 

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57 minutes ago, Eiffel_Tower said:

Should I hold it against her for not wanting to talk about our situation, while at the same time minimizing my feelings, or do I just chalk this up, to well that's how she grieves and leave it at that?

No do not hold it against her, she feels the way she feels and is handling this the best she knows how to just as you are the best you know how.  Maybe not your ideal to go through this "alone" but we often feel alone in our grief anyway.  Men and women often handle their grief differently, just you two seems to have roles switched from the norm, but what is the norm anyway, I don't think there IS one in grief.  I've heard it said, time and again, the only way is YOUR way, that's true for all of us.  We aren't handed a manual when we lose someone we love, we're left scrambling to figure out how to do this and it takes much time and is unique for each of us.  Maybe try connecting with her in other ways, shared activities, cuddling, etc.  

Nor would I hide my feelings, you don't need to be apologetic for how you grieve.  I would seek couples counseling if this becomes an issue in your relationship.  A third party that can get across that it's okay how each of you feel. ;) Someone to help you move forward in your relationship with this, not deny your feelings or change who you fundamentally are, either of you.

Marriage is a lot of work and can be challenging at times, for sure!  But something to be said for making it through the tough places.

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Kayc-

I appreciate the comments. I just feel the need to protect and take care of my family, that's all. My marriage had been on cruise control before all of this happened; I had a part in that of course and have been trying to rectify my mistakes. My wife isn't the most affectionate person and has trouble expressing how she feels and shows love on deeper levels, even with the kids. I just thought maybe this would be the catalyst to pull us closer and that we would have some moments of grieving together, that's all. But I may just be asking too much from her.

Not sure about roles in this situation. Kind of goes out the window in some respect and in how we react and what we need (or not need) from our relationships--when we do grieve. Just maybe the nature of the events that can divide us, that's all. Thanks for your time.

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