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Looking For The Positives


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Brad,

I at one point was a voracious reader.  I don't read that many books anymore, which may be something I pick up again soon.  I can tear up a forum though.  If I read all the drivel on my football board, I am sure the stories of the amazing people here will be a real page turner.  I'm going to try to read the whole thing, we will see.  I'm embracing the value of trying more and more these days, and learning to take as much pleasure in the effort as the results, which is another positive.

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Good for you Herc

I am not much of a cook, could use lessons but I'm at that 'just don't care' stage.  I was doing not to bad getting the who is who figured out but then I've been feeling like crap so I often withdraw from everything.

Too bad you are part of this family, becoming a member sucks, but there are always people here who care and if they don't understand they are sensitive to each other's feelings and opinions.

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Herc,

I dare you to read all of the Going through Hell thread! :D

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Kay,

We will see, I'm up to about page 10 now on this one, I got stuck at work last night and didn't have as much time to read as I would have liked. I really want to dive into the reflections and musings thread, it sounds like that one is right up my alley.  One at a time though, which is always good advice.  After I get those two down, we'll see about Going through Hell.  I have skimmed it briefly, liked the lyrics to start GtH off, and was glad to see someone gave the nod to Churchill for the quote, you know how I like quotes.

I have several positives today, two that happened yesterday.  I think that will be the pattern, as I need a day to organize thoughts and reflect on things.  I had a meeting with my new boss that I was dreading to a certain extent.  It went much better than I expected, finding solutions and making preparations instead of pointing fingers and assigning blame.  I can't get into the specifics, but it really went well.

When I got home, I was able to help a friend of my stepdaughters who was critical in helping us through the initial days of the shock of losing Christine.  It was amazing in those first few days the number of caring people that showed up to help.  It was a real testament to how much love Christine had shared with those around her.  Those selfless individuals stayed with us, foregoing their jobs, their own celebration of Christmas, their families.  It was really touching.  And while they have now largely gone back to their own lives, I know that I could call any of them for help at any time.  So it was very nice being able to help, even if it was as simple as loaning him a drill.

And the third one came from this morning as I was getting ready.  My daughter fed the cats.  Normally I do it in my morning routine, but she had already been up and took care of that part of it.  I don't mind feeding them of course, but I want to see her more involved in some of the day to day things.  She has very little structure right now, between having just graduated, so no school schedule, and waiting on starting her career until we get through a bit of this process.  She has a waitress job, but the schedule is so flexible it doesn't really give her any stability.  It was good to see her up early, even for something so little, and I hope she builds on it.  Wishing everyone continued caring support from the important people in your lives, and a good start to the day, even if it is only the little things,

Herc

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I took courage to go to the cinema and watch Lalaland. I expected little from a light movie and left with the crazy idea that the main character had so much in common with my BF. I was in tears of joy because I needed so much to see something of him in somebody, even if it is fiction. 

I feel like crazy writing this.

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My positive is that I came up with what I think is a great idea for my stepdaughters birthday.  It will be the first one without her mom, and I know it will be a very rough day for her. Christine was working on a quilt, hearts inside of squares, with each heart being unique.  Some of the hearts are from clothing that our stepdaughter wore when she was younger, some of them were items of Christine's, and some of them were just patterns that she liked.  I helped pick quite a few of those out at trips to the arts and crafts store.  She had all the materials gathered, all of the hearts cut to shape, and about 1/4 of them sewed together to.  She had been working on it for years, but just never found the time to really sit down and do a lot of it.  I am going to take the quilt to a seamstress, and have them finish the job for our stepdaughter.

The only problem I have with it is I think I should ask my stepdaughter before I do it in case she has aspirations of finishing the quilt herself.  I would like it to be a surprise, but think that asking her is more important.  I was wondering if anyone here had any idea on how to both make it a surprise and still get "permission"?  I have thought of just getting the quote from the seamstress, and wrapping that up with the materials.  I have also thought of asking if she wants to give the materials away to a relative of ours who quilts.

There were several other positives as well, a light dusting of snow that was absolutely beautiful, but didn't involve any shoveling or bad roads.  I got off work early, so I was able to come home and spend time talking with a friend.  My stepdaughter broke out the scale, an indicator that she is getting into one of her exercise phases, which always makes her feel better.  I stepped on the scale and discovered I lost 10 pounds, I could still stand to lose another 15 or so, but I'll take it, particularly considering I have been eating like a pig and not exercising any more than normal.  Hoping you all find some easy positives,

Herc

PS - Up to page 25, The Mary's both had dishwasher disasters, Harry got a kick ass quilt, and several people took much needed and deserved rests.  The community is a family, and everything is the way it is supposed to be.

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Maybe ask her if she has plans for the quilt?  I would think she would be tickled to death to have someone finish it so she can have it as a reminder of her mom, esp. since it incorporates her childhood.  It can take quite a bit of time to finish it and someone may be booked up a while so I'd get on it soon if she's to have it done in time.

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I thought about not posting here today.  I don't want to make it an obligation, desperately searching out positives that I don't really feel, but it was a good day yesterday, and I decided I should share it.  There weren't any spectacular moments, but the day overall went wonderfully.  After feeling a little lost in the morning, and taking a walk, I went back to my condo, and got a call from my mother.  We made plans for a visit either next weekend, or the weekend after, which will be wonderful and healing.  She has been a huge source of support, and it has really grown our relationship dramatically talking about some of the issues in our lives.  We were always close, but our loss has brought us a new sort of bond that strengthens us even more.

Later, my stepdaughter cleaned her condo, which shows continued motivation in the day to day.  She also brought home a friend who is a cook, she wanted to show off how she learned to cook steaks, and made a wonderful meal for all of us.  I realized that I read about Harry's quilt right after coming up with my idea for a present, and so acknowledge the coincidental reinforcement of things, which feels positive as well.  There were a number of others, one of the cats laying on my arm while I read and posted more.  Friends who had issues, but managed to see their way through them with a little help.  The rich smell of our newly mulched courtyard and the planting of flowers for the upcoming spring, a spectacular sunset, and the laughter of children closed out my day.  Wishing you all the chance to find beauty where you can,

Herc

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I will be back here posting when the snow stops and I have it all shoveled.  I am getting ready to go out and tackle some of it, ugh.  
But on to my positive...my grandson will be born Friday and I talked to my son last night and he indicated he wanted me to come for it.  I won't stay the night as I'd have to get someone to take care of Arlie and I really can't be gone overnight this time of year, I have to keep the fire going.  But I will get to meet the little guy, Vincent David.  A couple weeks later I will come back for their Open House to celebrate my son's birthday and get to hold the grandbabies once again.

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My positive is I have my driveway shoveled out!  It took me all day but I did it!  It won't last though, it just keeps snowing and snowing and snowing.  15" since last night.

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Kay,

Good luck with the snow, and congratulations to you and the proud mother and father!  Normally I would wish you joy in this new child, but with all that snow, I am going to extended it to physical strength as well.  Remember to stretch, and take small shovel loads.  Not that you need any advice on how to shovel from a guy who lives where we have had less that 3" total this year.  Wishing you a cease to the flurry of white, and well rested muscles tomorrow,

Herc

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Herc, where do you live?  I'm moving there! :D  

I got through the day, shoveled into the night.  This morning very little new snow.  This afternoon it's supposed to change to 2" rain per day, 2" per night.  Don't know how the ground will absorb all that but thank God it's not snow.  1" rain = approximately 1' snow!

Today I'm hoping to rest up.  Arlie played in the snow so much yesterday (forgetting he's not a pup anymore) he didn't move a muscle last night, I finally thought to give him an aspirin.  I think he plans on resting up as well.

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So I woke up in the middle of the night last night.  Not unusual at all.  It happens so often I have started to break them down into two groups, the ones where I can get back to sleep quickly without reality crashing in, and the ones where I actually start thinking about things.  The thinking ones have always been pretty rough.  Lots of crying, and usually laying there until the alarm goes off.  Last night was unique, a thinking one that was comforting.

As I was laying there, I started thinking about how we would hold one another.  I would frequently wake up in the middle of the night before, and she would start stirring as well.  A hand on her shoulder, or an arm over her to comfort her and she would go back to sleep.  I remembered how on cold nights she would burrow into my chest for warmth.  She was always cold, and I was always warm.  I remembered how our legs would intertwine as we got really comfortable and drifted off back to sleep.  I remember draping myself over her like a blanket, and her saying how well we fit together.

At first last night, it brought a sense of loss, my throat started to tighten, and a few tears started.  But as I got thinking about the specifics, the individual moments, it changed.  The longing became a sense of peace, and comfort.  Happiness in what I had, even if it is now gone.  Pride in knowing I gave her the same peace and comfort while she was here, and through difficult moments in her life.  Knowing that I had supported her, and helped her.  I was able to smile remembering those moments, and drifted back off to sleep very soon.

I'm still running through what it means, and how to apply it to other situations if that is even possible, but that is for reflections and musings.  For me, it was a huge positive, and a huge step forward from where I had been stuck.  Hoping you all have a restful day,

Herc

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3 hours ago, kayc said:

Herc, where do you live?  I'm moving there! :D  

I got through the day, shoveled into the night.  This morning very little new snow.  This afternoon it's supposed to change to 2" rain per day, 2" per night.  Don't know how the ground will absorb all that but thank God it's not snow.  1" rain = approximately 1' snow!

Today I'm hoping to rest up.  Arlie played in the snow so much yesterday (forgetting he's not a pup anymore) he didn't move a muscle last night, I finally thought to give him an aspirin.  I think he plans on resting up as well.

Actually it is just on the north side of DC, very mild winter here this year.  Normally we have about a half dozen 1" to 6" falls, which are enough to paralyze the area for a day or two, and then one or two 6" to 24" falls that will take us out for a week.  I was born in Colorado, and have lived in Michigan, Wyoming, and Maine, so the way these people react to the heavy frosts they call snow always makes me chuckle.

I work in construction, so snow fall equals a day or more off work for me.  Could have used a few of those this winter, but I guess it isn't meant to be.  Maybe your rain will melt some of the snow.  I hope it doesn't turn into a giant slushy ice pit for you.  I've found those can be some of the most dangerous conditions.  Good luck with it,

Herc

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Right now it's the warm rains so it's melting slowly but surely.  Flooding is a concern this time of year.  They say another heavy snowstorm is coming but I don't see it in the forecast for this week so am not sure when.  I hope they're wrong.

19 hours ago, Herc said:

So I woke up in the middle of the night last night.  Not unusual at all.  It happens so often I have started to break them down into two groups, the ones where I can get back to sleep quickly without reality crashing in, and the ones where I actually start thinking about things.  The thinking ones have always been pretty rough.  Lots of crying, and usually laying there until the alarm goes off.  Last night was unique, a thinking one that was comforting.

As I was laying there, I started thinking about how we would hold one another.  I would frequently wake up in the middle of the night before, and she would start stirring as well.  A hand on her shoulder, or an arm over her to comfort her and she would go back to sleep.  I remembered how on cold nights she would burrow into my chest for warmth.  She was always cold, and I was always warm.  I remembered how our legs would intertwine as we got really comfortable and drifted off back to sleep.  I remember draping myself over her like a blanket, and her saying how well we fit together.

At first last night, it brought a sense of loss, my throat started to tighten, and a few tears started.  But as I got thinking about the specifics, the individual moments, it changed.  The longing became a sense of peace, and comfort.  Happiness in what I had, even if it is now gone.  Pride in knowing I gave her the same peace and comfort while she was here, and through difficult moments in her life.  Knowing that I had supported her, and helped her.  I was able to smile remembering those moments, and drifted back off to sleep very soon.

I'm still running through what it means, and how to apply it to other situations if that is even possible, but that is for reflections and musings.  For me, it was a huge positive, and a huge step forward from where I had been stuck.  Hoping you all have a restful day,

Herc

It's rare that someone so fresh in their journey finds comfort and peace and even happiness in what you had and no longer have access to, I think is rare.  I'm glad that you have it.  I, too, have learned to find great comfort in what we shared, like I've said, we shared enough love to last me a lifetime.  I'm not sure others understand that, but I think perhaps you do.  I'd rather we had many more years together and he could be here in the here and now, but being as that is not my option, I have only to remember...and for a moment, I'm back there again.

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Vincent was born yesterday morning.  Daughter-in-law looks well, planned C-section and when she showed up at the hospital she was already having contractions so I guess he liked the date they picked because it was the date he picked himself!
 

Vincent & Grandma.jpg

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