Overwhelmed By Lost Love, Got Dumped After Death

[Brokency]

I was so very happy to find this site, so that someone, anyone might identify with what I'm going through. I have felt more depressed and lost in the last few months than I have in a long time. I've been married once before, 11 years ago, and I had children, and then my husband died in a car wreck after 5 years of marriage. Obviously, I was broken inside for a long time, but slowly I somehow found myself. Then last year I met the only other man to make my heart move. It's impossible to even put into words, but we had an instant connection between us, and our love for 10 months was beautiful and something most people only hope for. It was a love that I thought I would never have myself. It was a long distance relationship by a few hours, but that didn't matter, we talked, texted, video chatted, mailed, etc every day all day long from the moment we met.

However, in February of this year, my boyfriend's mom died of a long battle with cancer. He was extremely close to his mother, probably closer than any other guy I've known. But it seemed to be a genuine healthy love--not some weird attachment to mother's strings persay. Although we had rarely argued before, about a month after her passing we started arguing nonstop. He seemed so angry at me and the entire world and he constantly lashed out at me. Every word I would say would make him mad, even when it was simply small talk! I got the feeling that he was trying to push me away and out of his life, even though I had done everything to be there for him when she passed away.

I made the mistake one day of saying "I'm done with this" after one of our many arguments, and he was like 'fine, it's done then.' I just couldn't believe that was the end of it, just like that. But it's not even that simple, because for the last couple of months since that time--we have been broken up, but yet he's telling me that he wants us to just talk and 'work back into something.' Which I tried to respect considering what he's going through, and we stopped arguing and were back to talking everyday no problems. But then I quickly realized, everytime I made an attempt to see him in person, he didn't want to and he still doesn't.

He says he doesn't have it in him to have a relationship right now, and that he's not the man he wants to be if he was with me. He says he's falling apart inside and angry, and if we were around each other for more than a short period of time that it wouldn't be good. I'm so torn apart inside!!! So he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me and he doesn't want to see me physically. Aside from that though, he wants to talk everyday just like we've done our entire relationship, as if nothing is different--except there's no more terms of affection or sweet words coming my way.

Am I an idiot to hang on?? I'm 29 years old, and I'm having flashbacks to my teen years wondering am I getting played here?? I mean you want to be with a person or you don't, it's pretty cut and dry. But with the death of his mother, it's not that simple. I feel trapped in my own grief over the sudden loss of our love, and I can't even realistically complain about it b/c he's lost in grief over his mother!! Still yet, going from a love that was beautiful and irreplaceable, to this cold shoulder I'm getting---it was like a punch in the gut repeatedly!! I'm still hanging on right now, but there's only so much rejection my heart can take.

Everything in me wants things to work out with this guy. But there's no timeline for grief, of all people I know this after losing my husband. I can't sit back and wait for 2 years while he works out his emotions. I have needs for love and affection just like anyone! Am I being selfish? Does it sound like I'm just getting excuses? I really don't understand this double standard of not wanting me to date anyone else or move on and wanting me to continue talking/texting/video chat with him......yet he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. It seems like a crock to me, but I know people do strange things in grief. Any advice is much appreciated!!

[kayc]

First I want to say I am so sorry you find yourself going through this...it is very similar to my own experience. I've known divorce, death of a spouse, and lastly, loss of my fiance due to his loss of his mother.

Jim broke up with me nearly two years ago, very abruptly. Normally a relationship can handle minor spats and such, but when someone is grieving over the loss of someone close (like a parent), they can't. They become very self-centered and everything is about them and their needs and what they are going through. No relationship can handle that for very long, because we ALL have needs and can't put them on hold indefinitely while the other one experiences their unending time of self-centeredness. I don't mean that in a mean or bad way, what they are going through is very real and valid, but I'm just stating facts. Having lost my soulmate to death nearly seven years ago, I'm sure my family thought it was "all about me" for a while too, yet they still had their needs met by their spouse and could see me through my hard time. However, when it's your fiance going through it and they push you away, it can't be experienced indefinitely by you.

Yes it is unfair and a double standard for him to expect you to remain on hold continually but not giving you anything back. And it's quite okay and probably the better thing for you to establish a boundary with him and let him know that it is unacceptable "as is" and if you're broken up, you will see others if you choose to. It's like he wants his cake and eat it too, doesn't want the risk of losing you but doesn't want the commitment of putting into the relationship either. Can't have it both ways. You've given him ample time to have a change of heart to no avail, now it's time for you to think of YOU and do what's best for YOU! You may need to go "no contact" to give yourself time to heal and move on. Continually talking to him keeps your love and grief stirred up. After ample time you may be able to resume a casual friendship, but you may not either...right now isn't the time to worry about that. Right now is the time to put YOUR needs first and wish him well with his life.

This is such a hard thing to go through, and until I went through it, I didn't know it was actually fairly common. Jim and I talk about 2-3 times/week but don't see each other and I will NOT "go there" (consider loving him again) because I need to protect my heart first and foremost and he's already shown me what he's made of. That doesn't mean I don't care about him, I still enjoy his company, but I view him in a different light now...one of distant "friend" but NOT of partner or future spouse. Not anyone I can count on. Not someone who loves me "enough".

[mfh]

I am very sorry you are going through this very tough time and that you have already been through a sad chapter with the loss of your husband. I understand that pain. Relationships can be so difficult especially when a significant death is involved. The thought that came to mind immediately after reading your post is a quote from Maya Angelou who said, "The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them..."

It seems to me that he is telling you who he is by his behavior...and it might be time to believe him and take your absence as difficult as it is. If it were me, (and I have done this in my past) I would let him go. It sounds like he has some "stuff" for lack of a better word, to work out...including his loss and is probably not ready for a relationship at this time. I would suggest you consider putting a year between the two of you. You indicated you wish to have a relationship and it might be time to start dating others...

Just my thoughts. Mary

[Brokency]

Thank you for your replies! I poured over many threads with this same topic--have to say I was actually a little relieved to see how commonly this happens. But I did notice that in almost all of the circumstances, the general recommendation was to break off the relationship and heal one's self.

My question though, is there an exception? Here's my mode of thought: I really and truly love this man, and I felt deep love back from him before this loss occurred. I know right now that he really does have nothing to give to me, through no fault of his own, but due to being absorbed in his own grief. Kayc you were quite accurate in all you said, especially about the self-centeredness and such!!

I really believe that most people in this world have lost sight of what real love and dedication is about. They give up when the butterflies fade, and simply go find someone else to feel butterflies with. Now, I'm not saying I want to be some kind of martyr any any sense, but everytime I think about abandoning him, I think about how real love wouldn't abandon someone in their hour of need to focus on themselves--and I by no means am talking about your situation, which is different b/c from what you said, it sounds like your fiancee broke it off pretty heartlessly. Yes, I'm hurt by his actions, his pushing me away, and yes I've cried myself to sleep many times over this. But I don't think he's slept or ate right in months, and my heart aches for his loss b/c he is so lost in his identity without her.

He never says he doesn't want to be with me or he doesn't love me, he just says he has nothing to give to a relationship right now, and I understand that. So my point here is not to be argumentative, but I'd like to know what you think about that? Do you think there may be a time to try to be strong and be the friend they need at their darkest hour? As much as it hurts me to suffer this loss with him, if I abandon him right now, I most assuredly will never have a future with him. Then again, I'm not a glutton for punishment....and I don't want to be beat down in this process....but seems like no matter which direction I go, I will suffer a great amount of heartache.

[mfh]

A compromise is to just tell him to let you know when and if he is ready for a relationship and in the meantime, you begin to date or do your own path. The universe is not strong enough to keep you apart if you belong together. Sometimes we need to let go and get out of the way for a while.

Peace, Mary

[Brokency]

Thanks Mary, that does make a lot of sense. And I love the quote by Maya Angelou. I don't want to be fooled with rose-colored glasses, but I also want to be a compassionate person who doesn't abandon a person in need. It's a fine line to walk!!

[kayc]

Just two weeks before Jim broke up with me, he said he saw us spending our future together. He is not someone I would consider a liar or deceptive...this seemed very out of character with him, very unpredictable. He served his country for eight years, was a business owner for 18 years, has lived in the same home for 33 years, was married for 30 years (broke it off because she was cheating), is a friend to his long-term neighbors, was groundskeeper for his church, a family man, there for his grown children and grandchildren. He is someone I considered to be stable, someone to count on. However...when he was caretaking his dying mother, he was sleep deprived and literally out of his mind with grief. It's still difficult for him to talk about completely.

I would like to think he was the exception but his behavior has shown me he is not. He didn't "come to" after she died or after a reasonable period of time had passed. He has not sought to get back together with me, it's nearly two years later and we talk on the phone but we don't see each other. Personally, I am glad I let it all go because if I was still sitting around waiting for him to come to his senses...it would be excruciatingly painful and not good for my mental health.

There comes a point you have to do the best thing for you. I think he has let you know, in his way, that he does need space, this is something only he can deal with and it's not healthy for you to take it on. Please do yourself a favor and move on. I don't think a year will change anything. If you read through all of these posts, you will see one person after another going through identical things. They (the bereaved breaker-uppers) seem to keep their friends, jobs, manage to go on vacation or other things in their lives, it's just US they can't deal with. ??? I have no answer as to why, it has me stupefied. I can speculate all I want but I'll never really know. They don't seem to give explanations, beyond saying they can't handle a relationship right now. We who were patient, understanding, supportive are now excess baggage to throw away. Nope, I don't get it. I'd think they'd want to hang on to us in their time of need more than ever, but that is not the case. It is simply our place to respect their wishes, move on, and put ourselves number one priority for our own good.

Good luck to you, I know this is painful, I wish there were another way. What do your friends and family think?

[mfh]

Thanks Mary, that does make a lot of sense. And I love the quote by Maya Angelou. I don't want to be fooled with rose-colored glasses, but I also want to be a compassionate person who doesn't abandon a person in need. It's a fine line to walk!!

I fear life is always a balancing act. I know this is tough but your own inner voice has your answer. Mary

[Brokency]

I like that you said that, b/c I am a big believer in trusting your instinct. If I'd always done that, it would have saved me a lot of trouble in my life. However, in this circumstance, my gut instinct was to stay by his side, no matter how bad he was hurting, even if that had me absorbing some of his grief. Several times in my anguish and pain of being pushed away, I thought hard and serious about abandoning ship--it's what brought me here. We were only together for 10 months before his mom died! Then I think about leaving him alone in his grief, I love him too much to do it. I couldn't sleep at night knowing I had done him like that, even if dealing with his pain is causing me pain.

We did have a break through though b/c I decided after talking here that enough was enough, and I need some answers, if he doesn't want to be with me, then that's just that. So we had a long talk last night, and he told me that his life is incomplete without me, and our relationship was so new when all this happened, that he hated the thought of me being around while he was falling apart--that he wanted to be tough if I was around and didn't feel like he could do that. We talked about a lot, and he kept thanking for me for staying by his side, despite his grief and anger, and apologizing profusely for directing it at me....but haven't we all been there? So lost in our own pain that we hurt the ones we love the most?

So we decided to get back together. I hope & pray things go okay, but in my heart of hearts, I know either way I'll be okay. I love him enough to simply be his friend if that's where this ends. After my husband died, I don't live under the delusion that I won't make it without some certain man. I really appreciate everyone's viewpoint, but for me, this is what gives me peace with my own actions. Thank you again.

[Brokency]

I guess that's maybe how this is different than most of the posts I've been reading, in that for one I broke up with him and he refused to get back with me saying he couldn't handle it. But then still yet, he never told me he didn't love me and he didn't want a life with me. He just said he couldn't handle our relationship at that time b/c it got extremely tumultuous after his mom's death. If he up and changes his mind next week and decides oh it's too much for him again, I'm going to take that as a sign of this typical scenario that seems to play out with the bereaved, and I will move on with my life without him, like it or not.

[kayc]

It sounds like you're making some wise decision making, none of this is easy and it'd sure be nice if a manual would drop down before us and tell us what to do. I know Jim never said he didn't love me and even indicated that this was as hard on him as it was me, but he was the one that made the decision to end it so it's different. I said what I did to you because it's almost like a script that I've read on here over and over and I don't want to see you prolong your hurt, but I hope things work out for you and your relationship turns out to be the exception.

[Brokency]

Kayc, I agree with you, from everything I've read here, it IS like a script that plays out again and again. I suppose we all hope that we are the ones to be the exception to the rule, so of course that is my hope for my love. But I'm glad to have this experience and this advice, so I can move forward with this, knowing what to look for and keeping my eyes wide open to protect myself. I want to be a good loving person, but I can't have a human sized leech on my life either! I'll keep you posted on how things are going, and I sure hope to have good news, but I do have to be realistic about this!

[kayc]

I hope to hear from you in a few months with good news. One thing I've learned is, it's all good, no matter which way it goes, because we move on with them or without them to a better life than that of having a broken heart. It's the break up and adjustment or staying in a bad relationship that is bad. I'm rooting for you!

[Brokency]

I just wanted to come back and post an update. We are doing pretty well, all things considered. There are times when things are wonderful and much like they were before his mother died. Then there are times when he is upset and he needs to vent, and it's very hard for me to listen and absorb it. It's not because he's being mean or rude toward me b/c he's not like that, but rather b/c it's hard for me to deal with him being that angry and upset when there's nothing I can do or say to help. There have been times I just listen on the phone and cry in silence. I don't want him to know how upsetting it is to me or he probably wouldn't feel comfortable to vent to me.

My point is just that it's not easy. It's a grief process, and it's very hard to go through. On the other hand, I feel like we have been growing closer than ever, seeing each other in new ways, seeing ourselves in new ways due to our interraction with each other.....we are growing as people and as a couple. It's very trying, but it's worth it.

I still get bouts of sadness, mourning the love that I lost, b/c it will never be the same, even if it grows back stronger than it ever was--it'll never be the same and that makes me sad. He tries very hard to be thoughtful and romantic, and it touches me that he makes the effort. It was worth the isolation he put me through, but that is only with us coming back together as an end result. I'll check back in a couple of months with an update, but I'd just like to say that not all relationships have to end over this, even when that is their initial response.

[kayc]

I am glad you were able to work through this...none of them had to end except it takes two to have a relationship and if one is adamant that you be broken up there is nothing you can do except try to heal and move on.

Working through grief is incredibly hard and exhausting, and as you're learning, it can be frustrating for the partner...you naturally want to fix things and can't. But you're there, you're by his side, and he is appreciative of that, and that makes all the difference in the world.

I hope things keep getting better for both of you.

[Brokency]

Hello again, I wanted to check in and update everyone on how things were going. It was very unstable when we first got back together, but as time has gone on, our relationship is now stronger and better than ever. We have somehow reclaimed the love that we had before his mom passed, but as a bonus, it's a stronger love than ever. Now it's not always perfect, obviously, but having shown true committment, even through his difficulty with grieving--I think it made him decide that I was the one for him b/c he is no longer indecisive and ambivalent about our relationship. It was a lot of heartache and work, but sometimes you get out what you put in. Sometimes it can be saved, and sometimes it can not. The best tool for me was to quit worrying and obsessing over how he was doing and if he needed me and why he wasn't checking in with me, etc etc. I just let things be and focused on making myself happy during a time when he has no joy to give--by focusing on taking care of myself, it seemed to give him the 'ok' to proceed with his grieving however he needed to, and in way less time than I expected, he was back to looking at me and speaking to me in that loving way I used to know. It's been 3 months since we got back together, and I hope that maybe that gives someone hope.

I hate to advise anyone to hang in there at the detriment of themselves, but if you know there's real love there, then sometimes you have to sacrifice a bit for the sake of the relationship. On the other hand, I want to make it clear that we never cut off contact completely. He went for periods of not speaking to me much at all--even down to say a couple of texts a day or a short 2-min phone call, but we never went a single day without speaking in some way.....I feel like situations are different than mine when the scenario is the person chooses to cut you out of their life and then they take the motions to do so. The way my situation was different was that although he said he didn't want me in his life and gave me the cold shoulder and pushed me away in his grief---he never actually took the steps to cut off contact, even in the months we were broken up. I wish everyone the very best, death is so earth-shattering at times....it is one of our tests and trials as humans to deal with. At the end of the day, we can only do our best and hope it's enough.

[kayc]

I'm so glad it worked out for you. You are right...and I think all of us would have been willing to step back and give them breathing room, if only they'd presented a different option than cut off.

Yes, sometimes you get what you put in...but as many of us can attest here, sometimes you don't. It's good to recognize what is the best thing to do for yourself when you're in a situation, because none of us can sacrifice our well being for another. Although it sounds noble, it leaves us depleted and unable to be there for anyone!

Good luck in your future, I hope it continues to grow better with each passing day.

[loves]

I commend you, Brokency, for hanging in there. According to the references made to other threads on this forum, you are a rarity. That is a good thing!

My perspective is coming from the other side. I lost my Mother and the greatest romantic love relationship I've ever been in ended as a result of my grieving. My partner left me one month ago, almost two months after my Mother passed. Prior to my Mother's passing we were both just giddy in love. This has been one of the most difficult months of my life. I resent that I have to grieve the loss of the partnership at the same time I'm grieving the loss of my Mother.

I had made it a point throughout September and October to be as available as I possibly could to my partner because the relationship was so important to me. It was tough. First off, within the first few weeks after Mom's passing, I was in a daze and barely able to function. I was still intimately involved with my partner, though it was not easy to do. I felt withdrawn and did not want intimacy at that time. I stretched myself and my capacity, and made great efforts to keep that alive. The second month I felt agitated all the time, and I wasn't so pleasant to be around. I kept having conversations with my partner and explaining how I felt and that I knew it was not easy to be around me during this time, giving thanks, acknowledging, and apologizing constantly. I was doing all I could. I even acknowledged that I realized that my partner must be grieving the loss of me since my Mother passed, because I was unable to be where I was emotionally prior to her death. I wondered if part of the reason I was having emotion come out in weird ways is that I needed to be alone more, but I was trying to be there for my partner and didn't want to lose the relationship, and leaving my partner was not an option for me. I never imagined it would be a choice my partner would make. I am still in total disbelief and shocked.

My partner just cut and ran after witnessing me have a meltdown on November 3. There were factors contributing to me reaching that place of meltdown, in addition to grieving. I had lost my business and home to foreclosure in May, and everything I had left was in storage. After returning home from being with my Mother the last two weeks of her life (in September), I discovered I had been robbed, many of my things stolen from my storage unit. The repercussions of this were negatively affecting me daily throughout September and October, as I needed everything that was stolen to rebuild my business. It was a painful unfolding of discovering what all was missing, and a financial strain to replace things missing. Many of my precious personal items stolen too. My workload was very demanding as I pushed through and pulled off getting my business established. It was all too much stress. The meltdown was very intense, and I assured my partner, "this is not about you. I'm in so much pain." I have never experienced anything like that release of emotion in my life. My partner was scolding me and shaming me for being "enraged" and left. We had a few email exchanges, but no conversation. I was then cut off completely and told not to make contact.

My friends of nearly 20 years were all so glad for me that I had such a release of emotion as a meltdown. They have seen me be strong for so long. No one has ever seen me fall apart. Some of them wished they could have been there when it happened and felt that my partner totally missed the opportunity they consider a gift and a privilege to see the one they love fall apart, and to be there for that loved one. Many of my friends have the perspective of Maya Angelou's quote about my partner leaving me...that now I know how my partner would handle a crisis or deal with hard times, and that I 'shouldn't' want someone like that in my life...someone who would leave me just after my Mother died. I feel differently. I want to still be together and hope we can. The thought of any conclusion being made by my partner about who I am based on the grieving process and having a meltdown is so hurtful to consider. This is especially so because I have never behaved in this manner in my life. I have never before lost my Mother. Why is it that people say, "now you know his/her true colors" when something they don't like happens? It doesn't make all the things you love about the person less true. There are so many reasons we do what we do, how we do at any given moment. Life is constantly changing and evolving and so are we. I tend to give the benefit of the doubt in favor of another. I see it not as this is who the person is, I see it as this is how the person is, and only at this moment. Given other circumstances it may prove differently. This is how we get to know each other...over a long period of time.

I realize that without having had the same experience in the same way, we cannot lend true understanding to another. My partner has not undergone any of this before, so there is no point of reference. How could I expect someone who hasn't experienced it to understand? How about understanding or not, just choosing to love through it all? That would have been great. I would love to have just been loved by my partner through this. Since my partner left, I have felt hated for having expressed emotion, for grieving the loss of my Mother. I have felt guilty for grieving the loss of my Mother. I have felt so remorseful for having expressed my feelings because that resulted in the loss of my partnership. I have felt so abandoned. I have been devastated.

So, I think it's great that you are being there for your love. Take care of yourself too, and honor the grieving you feel. He may be able to come around more and more to how it was before. I have had the thought that if I had the opportunity to reconnect with my partner, I would be giddy in love again and find a way to experience grieving outside my partnersip. I don't know if that's possible, it certainly wasn't within two months of Mom's passing. I'm not sure we can be in partnership and not be affected by what our partner is going through. It's just part of life. Life occurrances can be very enriching if we take the opportunity.

[kayc]

loves,

I see your BF leaving not as a reflection on how You are or behaved, but as a reflection on who HE is/behaved. Ultimately, we all have to decide for ourselves what qualities we find not only acceptable in someone for a life partner, but what qualities we desire! Most of us would prefer someone to stick by us through thick and thin and not bolt when the going gets tough. You did not desert him when you were going through so much, he deserted you.

You are going through so much at once, it's no wonder you had a meltdown! I'm glad you have supportive friends that care about you. Any one of those things (losing Mom, starting a business, burglarized, BF leaving) is more than enough for any one person to handle, but all four contribute to too much. Unfortunately, we don't get to decide what is "too much" in our lives, we only get left to deal with it.

I feel about your BF leaving about the same way as I do mine having done so...it's not that they're bad people, and this one action does not define in totality who they are, but it does speak of their coping abilities. Myself, I feel I deserve better than that. I don't want to be left wondering the rest of my life, when is that random thing going to happen that will end in my BF leaving? I'd prefer to have someone "through thick and thin" or I'll just wing it on my own.

I can only say I am so sorry for your losses...

[loves]

kayC,

I appreciate your perspective. Thanks for sharing. My partner had said, "my pattern is to run, but I don't want to run from you. I can't run from you." Guess that was proven wrong. Patterns can and do change, are transformed. I don't know in this case. It's too soon to tell. But, if I were to enter the partnership again, I think I would have go in expecting that the runner would run. We cannot run from ourselves. That's what I see here. The pattern of running is to escape one's own depths and pain. It's truly impossible though. That will show itself in time. One of my favorite quotes comes to mind:

“There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own Soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” ~CG Jung

Not everyone is comfortable with intensity of emotion due to their own deeply rooted fears and avoidance of pain. I think that is what happened here. There was very little communication after my partner left, but the little bit that came in via email was (in my opinion rhetoric) about avoiding pain and seeking happiness. Seeing pleasure as happiness and seeking to attain it constitutes suffering itself. Or maybe I'm just dealing with a narcissist. Anyway, some dive into pain and experience it fully and it passes. Life is better as a result. Others avoid pain, but that seems to result in chronic pain. I'm a diver. I'm a stick through thick and thin. I learned that through my parents' 43 years of marriage. My Mother taught me how to love. Dad is no picnic. I think that's why I am more open to loving this partner. Just because one has a pattern of avoidance and fear doesn't make them unloveable. It stems from their own life conditioning. I agree with you about qualities of preference, and am assessing and deeply considering it.

[loves]

I want to add that I see my partner's leaving as a lack of capacity. Capacity is something that stretches. It is not fixed. I watched my Dad stretch his capacity with my Mother when she became ill with cancer. He fought alongside her daily for 6-1/2 years, and came to understand all she had done for him throughout their 43-year marriage. He learned to appreciate her in a way he was never before able. It was beautiful. He can still be a terror at times, mostly when he is afraid and unable to deal emotionally (also understandable) but he has grown tremendously and I attribute it to love and acceptance we have all given him.

[kayc]

Not everyone is good at coping...my FIL had a hard time coping w/my MIL's cancer and ultimate death, and I stepped in to pick up the slack where needed. But he loved her, he just didn't know how to cope w/the cancer.

My last BF was coping w/his mother's impending death when he broke up with me. He was sleep deprived and at the end of his capacity. He's never demonstrated an interest in getting back together and it's been 2 1/3 years. I have to wonder if this is where it would have ended up anyway. I'm used to being alone, I'm okay with that. What I DON'T want is I don't want another man hurting me or dumping me. I either get someone in my life that I can count on to be there through thick and thin or I prefer to be alone...I do not want to go through this again...and I don't deserve to.

Only you know your former partner well enough to assess what was going on with him, none of us can judge that. And only you can decide what you are willing to go through...or not. A friend will tell you the truth as they see it, and be supportive of your decisions...but if they see you self-destructing or hurting yourself and their words of caution or advice go unheeded, they may choose not to watch it happen. It's hard to be in that position, because we love our friends and want what's best for them. But who is to decide what is best but them?

Someone with a pattern of avoidance is enough to make me extremely cautious to say the least because history repeats itself. I'm not saying people can't change, I've seen that change, but more rarely. But I can't count on that change unless I see that change first demonstrated. That's where it's good to state what it would take for you to go back with him and let him prove himself to you before you commit to him. He made the decision to leave, now it's up to you to decide on what terms you will consider putting things back together. I know how the heart tugs when you break up, esp. when you have so much else going on, that's why it's good to have enough time and distance to regain clarity of mind and heart before making any decisions.

I certainly hope this upcoming year holds MUCH BETTER in store for you!! Sometimes it's nice to have a year end, esp. when it's held so much that's hard. Yes, I know we learn in our hard places, I know it's all used for good ultimately, but it's still tough to go through!

[loves]

Thank you, KayC. I really appreciate the well wishes. Today was the lightest and most peaceful day I've had in quite some time...over all. It began with tears from thoughts of my Mom. I often feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude coming from her for how I loved her and that I was there for her throughout my life, and especially in her 6-1/2 year battle of cancer. It literally feels like a blanket of gratitude envelopes me with her energy present. This also happened the morning she passed, while I was alone in the room with her, after 2 weeks of around the clock care. So, throughout the day today, I felt at peace. I ran into a friend who asked me about my "partner" and I suddenly burst into tears. Once I moved on, I did not feel the weight of thoughts and feelings carry on through the rest of the day. Thankfully! This is a first since the parting of ways.

One of the things about this forum that has helped me gain perspective is that it seems typically, or most commonly, the one grieving a loss is the one who breaks things off. Somehow, that the other way around does not seem to be as common gives me a different view of my own situation...in the sense of it being more profoundly unacceptable. Also, I see many people writing in trying to figure out a way to cope with the fact that their partner is grieving. Wow! People like that do exist. How differently it could have been had my partner cared enough to look into the matter...to even make an effort to learn about grief. Seems almost a narcissistic behavior, which has no regard for the other, and is incapable of extending empathy. I didn't realize what was happening either until I came to this site. I had no idea that a meltdown would be expected. What a relief to realize that it was normal. I had never in my life had a meltdown, and now I realize I was in grief overload mode. Explains so much.

I love being alone too, KayC, and though I have had intimacies, I had not been in a commitment to a partnership in about 18 years prior to this commitment. This is another reason it has been so difficult for me. I really opened up like never before to anyone, and had evolved into that commitment this year, after 3 years since our first meeting. Ouch.

Life does go on, though amid tragedies it feels the world ought to just altogether stop.

[MartyT]

You said, "Life does go on, though amid tragedies it feels the world ought to just altogether stop." Indeed. It's a question we all ask when we suffer a significant loss. I'm reminded of the lyrics to the song, The End of the World, by Vonda Shephard,

http://youtu.be/RtpZvpr61sA

Why does the sun go on shining?

Why does the sea rush to shore?

Don't they know it's the end of the world

'cause you don't love me anymore?

Why do the birds go on singing?

Why do the stars glow above?

Don't they know it's the end of the world

It ended when I lost your love.

I wake up in the morning and I wonder

Why ev'rything's the same as it was.

I can't understand, no I can't understand

How life goes on the way it does

Why does my heart go on beating?

Why do these eyes of mine cry?

Don't they know know it's the end of the world?

It ended when you said goodbye

Don't they know know it's the end of the world?

It ended when you said goodbye.

Catastrophic as it seems, however, we are wise to keep in mind that this feeling is part of the emotional reaction to loss. It becomes our reality only if we let it . . .

[kayc]

Oh wow, if ever there was a song that gets to me, it's that one!

I just feel you deserve better than to have someone who instead of wrapping their arms around you and being patient through your grief journey, makes it about them and what they can/can't handle. I know it affects those around us when we grieve, but gosh, shouldn't people be there for those they love?

You've waited a long time for this relationship, only to get your heart broke...I just pray there is a better life ahead for you. I'm sorry you're going through so much at once!