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Talking Heals

The following passage written by Dinah Maria Mulock Craik in her book, A Life for a Life, eloquently expresses the priceless value of someone to talk to:

Oh, the comfort- the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person-having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with a breath of kindness blow the rest away.”

I think that is what happens here when we come to this place called ‘grief healing discussion groups.’ Those of us who are grieving need a place where we can talk without judgment or criticism, we need a sounding board and we need to know that there is someone who truly cares. The people who come here ‘get’ that.

As we talk, we heal. It hurts as we talk but I am finding out that it really does heal. Our feelings begin to move from the inside to the outside. We work through our feelings and doing so we begin to release them. This has all been said before but as my own eyes open I begin to understand what all these words mean.

I am beginning to accept the quiet of my house. At first I hated being alone – I used the house as an escape, I didn’t want to be ‘out-and-about’ nor did I want anyone coming in to this place I found comfort in hiding. Today my feeling has changed. I like the solitude and I don’t think I am lonely. The solitude has given me the opportunity to look into myself and to start to figure out what it is I’m going to be doing the rest of my life as a widow. One year ago, I did not think I’d ever by ‘happy’ again – how could I be, the one who made my life complete was no longer by my side! That thought is changing a little now – I do find happiness in small things, but most of all I am finding happiness inside my own person. I actually like being me.

And I really believe that my Jim is with me as I am left here to finish whatever it is I have left to do. I love to read. I am learning how to meditate. The love I have for my dog, Benji, has opened my heart again to something important to me. I really see things in nature that I only superficially looked at before. I am more sensitive to the pain of others. I think I still have my sense of humor – being Irish I have to be careful not to offend! And, I am more grateful – I don’t want anything – I am just thankful that I have what I do. I guess by that I mean to say that I am thankful that I found this place. Only those who truly understand would still be reading this note!

Anne

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:D:wub:

We are still reading this note, and nodding in unison.

Think of bobble-headed dolls. :D

I found my notebook. I had to open all the cartons, and it was in the last one, but now the cartons are all stacked out of sight in the guest room, where I will not see them. :) Fabrous joy.

Anne, I could nod my head,"Yes, me too!" to everything you said. Thank you.

I consider that we are on retreats, cocooned, metaphysically, each in our own way, and transforming as we heal. Like Monty, the butterfly. :) (Bach)

One of these days, we will struggle out, entirely into the Light, and spread our new wings, and show our new, beautiful nature, and fly once more in pure joy. I do believe that for all of us here. We are doing the struggling, the very hard work, to newly emerge. It is a new life, after all.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Anne, dear, the "feeling safe" quotation is one of my very favorites, and I love your post ~ Thank you! (I love Fae's image of the bobble head, too, all of us nodding in agreement ^_^ )

I just read this, and it reminded me so much of you with your colored pencils: My Mother, The Dragonfly

You just never know . . .

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I’m smiling about the bobble-heads, fae, and I can just picture some of you moving your heads. I am glad you are taking your time unpacking – there is no schedule in grief. We move only as we can during this journey.

I know that all of us have our own journeys but I believe that some things are just the same for all of us. We are all hurting. We are all trying to find our way in this new life we have found ourselves in – and it sucks!

The reality is that we are born and we are going to die. That is the order of things in this universe. I believe that each one of us will find our ‘new’ self. This I chose to believe.

And Marty, thank you for always being present when we come here to talk. I think that is why so many of us do ‘feel safe.’ When I opened my e-mail this morning I found Maria Shriver’s weekly blog update. I did not read the story of My Mother, The Dragonfly until you brought it to my attention. I loved this lady’s enthusiasm and what an artist! As for my colored pencil work - it is relaxing and I am enjoying it. As you said, “You just never know…” :blush:

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Oh, Anne, you have such a wonderful way with words. I know exactly how you feel. I do find many happy moments in my life, and although sometimes I feel some guilt, (how can I possibly be happy without Mike), mostly I am grateful that I am still here, and so fortunate to have the happiness that I do have. I have wonderful friends, and very supportive family, and of course, my little Corgi girls, who are my reason for rising in the morning. (and if I don't rise early enough to suit them, they encourage me!!) I love being involved in the community theatre, and will probably do that until I am carried out feet first. AND yes I feel very safe here, feel that no matter what I say, no one is going to judge or shoot me down. Marty, I am so grateful for you, and for the tender guidance that you give, even when we may not be aware you are doing it. The mark of a great moderator!!

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

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Thank you Mary (The Royal One) in Arkansas. This is exactly why I love to come on here. We understand one another. And we do know that our lives will never be the same now that our loved ones are gone. It is encouraging to hear from others that life does go on. I have mostly been positive in my life so it is natural for me to look for that small spark of happiness. This is what my Jim would want for me. Benji has brought a new light into my life. I didn't really have a dog that was all mine before. We had family dogs. He is the sweetest little guy ever! Your corgis and Benji would get along just fine. He is just a little shy with bigger dogs. I wonder if he thinks they are going to swallow him up!

I found this special chair a while ago and was waiting for a good time to use it. Now seems like a good time. Thank you for what you bring to our 'fire.' Anne

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Oh, the comfort- the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person-having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with a breath of kindness blow the rest away.”

Anne, this Craik quote has been in my life since I can remember...a long long time ago...long before I met Bill but wished for that kind of person in my life...and then he came along and we shared this quote and the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with each other... and since him others including here around this fire. I have not thought of this quote for a long time but I have always loved it, actually cherished it first for the memories it brings up but also for its importance...this inexpressible comfort of feeling safe is something I can NOT live without. Thanks so much.

fae, I am so glad you found your notebook...journal away.

Marty, I, too, subscribe to Shriver's newsletter but had not yet read it today...until I saw this. Thank you.

Queen Mary, you are truly the queen of the stage. And I so agree with you about Marty's gentle presence.

Peace to all the nodding heads, :P:D:huh::wub::):huh:^_^:o

Mary

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I just read the Shriver newsletter and kept clicking on links and reading and ended up at this link in case you missed it

http://ohmygoddess.com/

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I am smiling, dear Mary. And my head too is bobbing. It does not surprise me at all that the quote I used is one that you live by. It is like watching a flower go from a bud to full bloom when you find someone that you can 'be safe' with. I felt that way with my Jim as you did with your Bill. We are gifted if we are fortunate to find one person who really knows how to listen to all we say and just know what to keep and what to 'blow away.' I know I am blessed to have found this place - I am grateful to know some of you who have become those 'safe' people to me. Like you, I can't live without people who will take me in their arms and accept me as I am.

I am not too good with words but I know that when my heart fills up with love for others that speaks to me. I feel that way here. You are one that I do feel 'safe' with and I thank you. I am actually proud of how far I've come in this grief journey - I know my grief counselor would be happy that my mind and heart are finally coming together. Yes, I am crying. I need a minute!!

I love the link: ohmygoddess.com

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Anne, dear Anne, I was thinking just the other day about your journey and where you started. I remember as you started a lot of emails as you tiptoed onto your path, fearful and timid...and how you have slowly over time taken risks and stepped with both feet solidly on your path and how you now reach out to others as well as ask for help and risk sharing your pain and other pieces of your feelings and health. I hope you look in the mirror and see someone to be proud of. I do see your head and your heart coming together. And I love that you cry so freely now. I am honored to have played a small role in your becoming and that you feel safe with me. Remember...I get more than I give here. Truly.

Peace to your heart,

Mary

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Thank you, Mary. It is a very real part of our lives that we do 'get more than we give.'

The video below espresses what I think most of us feel about the loss of our beloveds.

"and everywhere I am, there you'll be..." sung by faith Hill

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I love that Mary is finding enjoyment in her painting and Anne in her pencils and all of us with our dogs...it is in learning to enjoy what IS rather than focusing only on our loss that we can learn to appreciate life again.

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Thank you, Ann for posting that special quote. I could not agree more. How rare and special those people are in our lives who we can be completely comfortable with at all times!

This brings tears to my eyes, too.

Chris

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Guest babylady

thank you anne for a beautifully written post. this forum is a place where we can talk. i think our friends get tired of hearing about our grief. they try to be helpful, but they really can't understand what we're going through.

i'm so glad you have benji. i have my cat monkey who i love so much. i do worry about losing him though. he's 12-1/2 and has kidney disease. it's time for the vet to come to the house again and take blood from him. hopefully he hasn't gotten any worse. he seems to be doing okay. he's on a special diet, but i do worry. i can't imagine losing him too.

i wonder when the crying will stop. i did better for a while, but the last few months have been bad. i cry so much. i've always been empathetic and cried easily, but now it's worse.

thanks to all of you for being here.

arlene

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Chris, I do believe that there may be only one person in our live time whom we can be completely comfortable with and when that person dies a part of us dies with them. We will never be the same. We will never be who we were, but we can be the best of who we are now. It will not be easy to walk alone but it can be done because that just is how life is - I am so glad you are getting signs from your Paula - how very sacred is that? I know my Jim is with me because I chose to believe that he is - it cannot be explained.

Dear Arlene, you and I have been on this path for about the same time now. Just a little over a year. How we grieve is as individual as the flowers in a garden. It does not matter how much you cry. Emotions are present in our bodies to flush out toxins and to ease pain that is so deep that common medicines cannot fix us. How much we cry or how long we cry is just what it is - there is nothing wrong with us because we cry or do not cry. This I believe. This poem validates to me that whatever our emotions are let them be - if you want to cry - just do it. Anne

When the heart
Is cut or cracked or broken
Do not clutch it
Let the wound lie open
Let the wind
From the good old sea blow in
To bathe the wound with salt
And let it sting.
Let a stray dog lick it
Let a bird lean in the hole and sing
A simple song like a tiny bell
And let it ring
Let it go.
Let it out.
Let it all unravel.
Let it free and it can be
A path on which to travel.

~ Michael Leunig.

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So, those of you who know me know how much I love music. I heard this song today and felt the message could be for so many of us. Enjoy it as I do. Anne

♫ ♪

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And here's the lyrics (Lorrie Morgan)

I wouldn't know what to say
I wouldn't know what to do
If you came back from heaven
And I could look at you
Would I fumble for the words?
Would I be a little shy?
Would I bust right out with laughter?
Or break right down and cry?

Oh,if you came back from heaven
Would it be like it was then?
Could we just pick up,where we left off
And try it all again?
Oh,if you came back from heaven
It would freeze me in my tracks
And I hope God knows,if he let you go
I'd never send you back

Do your kisses feel the same?
Do you still have the same touch?
And will you whisper softly
'Coz you've missed me so much?
Have you heard all my prayers
When I lay down at night?
And did you feel my body
When I held your pillow tight?

Oh,if you came back from heaven
Would it be like it was then?
Could we just pick up,where we left off
And try it all again?
Oh,if you came back from heaven
It would freeze me in my tracks
And I hope God knows,if he let you go
I'd never send you back

And if,God forbid,you leave this earth again while I see
I hope he knows if you go you'll be bringing me

Oh,if you came back from heaven
Would it be like it was then?
Could we just pick up,where we left off
And try it all again?
Oh,if you came back from heaven
It would freeze me in my tracks
And I hope God knows,if he let you go
I'd never send you back

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And oh yes, we'd pick up where we left off then!

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Thank you, Anne and Kay...Wow!!

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Thanks Anne for sharing your songs. I have never heard of this performer or this song - both beautiful. And I also appreciate you posting the lyrics. Dee

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Welcome to our 'sacred' place, Dee. If this is your first time here we hope you encourage those you counsel to come visit us. It is a truly healing place. Anne

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And oh yes, we'd pick up where we left off then!

Oh, Yes, Kay....we would.

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I listened to the song this morning and just cried...I swear, if George came back, I'd hold him and never let him go!

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