3 Years And Still Sad. Really Depressed Lately!

[Aquarius7]

Well, I don't know if my story is archived or not. I lost my Mom in June of 2010. It was lung cancer and a horrible ordeal.

She was my best friend of my entire life and knew me like nobody else ever. I am single but in a relationship (which has not been the same since my Mom passed away). I lived in her house and contributed and have a job. It was a big house and we had our space. My siblings and I had a big falling out after she passed away. They evicted me and wanted to sell the house. It was not quite paid off. I could not afford to buy them out. I begged them to not sell it and to possibly go in on it with me so I could still live there and they could have a place to stay when they are in town. But no. They sold it for a ridiculously low price, just to get rid of it. There is still bad blood. They are trying to reach out to me and I am now reciprocating reluctantly.

Anyway, I now live in a small one bedroom apartment with my loving dog, who my Mom also loved dearly.

I have a LOT to be thankful for and a lot is good. I am trying to rebuild my life and have had some great times that have been healing in the past 3 years.

However, for the last few months I have been not wanting to get out of bed in the morning, having crying spells at any given time of the day or night and even suicidal thoughts (though I would not carry them out). I just feel sad every morning when I wake up and don't want to do anything.

I am so depressed about the life I used to have and everywhere I go, there is a memory of the life that WAS! I feel so alone in the world other than my sweet and loving dog and feel such a feeling of abandonment. My dreams at night are telling me this too.

I can't seem to find any help anywhere or anyone who wants to listen. The place who did hospice for my Mom has not been answered my calls in 2 years and I think my counseling sessions are over, as far as being free, which it seems they were for about 6 months. They don't send me any mailings anymore and have not answered my calls. The lady who I was seeing never calls me to see how I am doing anymore. I feel they abandoned me too.

It has been 3 years and I feel I am NOT doing better. I feel trapped at times in this place and just want my old house back and a feeling of familiarity! I just feel I am not doing better and feel so alone. I cry a lot and just miss my Mom and Dad more than ever.

Thanks for reading.

[MartyT]

My friend, the symptoms you describe are worthy of professional attention, and so I strongly encourage you to re-double your efforts to find the help you need and deserve. At the very least, a professional counselor or therapist can help to assess your physical and emotional status and determine if you are clinically depressed and / or experiencing a prolonged or complicated grief reaction.

I invite you to read my article, What Is Complicated Grief? (including the related references at the end).

Please consider the following options as well:

• Call your telephone operator or public library and ask for the numbers for your local mental health association or your local suicide prevention center. Either agency will have good grief referral lists. You need not be suicidal to get a referral from a suicide prevention center.
  
• Use the Yellow Pages and call hospitals and hospices near you. Ask to speak with the Bereavement Coordinator, Social Worker, or Chaplain's Office to get a referral to someone who is familiar with complications of grief and psychiatric disorders.
  
• The Association for Death Education and Counseling maintains a searchable data base of certified thanatologists (professionals with specialized education and certification in dying, death and bereavement whose professional responsibilities include working with the dying and / or bereaved) to help you find a grief therapist or counselor in your geographic area.

Your story is archived in your posts on our site; if you wish to access them, contact me via PM or email (tousleym@aol.com) and I will guide you in finding them.

[kayc]

You are not alone in your feelings...I don't know if you've read Shelly's posts or not, but she's felt a lot the same way. Sometimes we are stuck when we don't see hope of building a life that is any better, and that can happen with a lot of grief survivors. It takes so much time, focus, and effort to adjust to a new life without our loved one/s physically present in it. I say physically present, because I believe they are still with us, in different form, but we must learn to reach for them in a different way. Having them in our hearts and listening to their encouragement and comfort in a present way can help us as we continue through our lives.

My dad passed 31 years ago but wasn't part of my every day life, and I was married and pregnant at the time, and that helped me continue to move forward with my life. My mom currently is in a Dementia Care Facility and that in itself carries it's own things to deal with. But my struggle has been in losing my sweet husband eight years ago. His death impacted me in a million ways, it seems! It took a long time, but little by little I've had to get used to being on my own, living alone (with my dog and two cats), making decisions and handling things for myself without his aid. As much as I've adjusted to this new life, I've never stopped missing him, and that's okay. I try to keep it in perspective and realize that there are different stages/phases in life, and this is another one, the old one, as much as I loved it, is gone. Life requires a certain amount of acceptance from us for the changes it brings...changes in jobs, relationships, birth/death, moves, etc. Looking forward and actively LOOKING for something positive really helps, but so does recognizing good things when we see them. Practicing the present...enjoying what is, being grateful/appreciative for the small kindnesses bestowed on us. They needn't be big things...just simple things like someone opening the door for you, letting you merge in traffic, inviting you to lunch, a puppy's kiss, a kitten at play, these are the things I live for now, and topping the list...my sweet wonderful beautiful dog!

I do hope you'll take Marty's suggestion and seek a professional counselor's guidance to help you through the maze that is your life now...together you can make your way through it and find something to live for that is beyond existing and remembering.

And I'm glad you are in contact with your siblings again, even if it's cautiously taken, I hope you can build your relationships...it's not only probably what your parents would want, but may enrich your life on down the road...at least that is my hope for you.

Hugs,

Kay

[Daughter2010]

Yup, you are not the only one.

My father passed away almost 4 years ago and still to this day I struggle with life without him. Now that I look back, I feel like all these 3 1/2 yrs have been a blur, placing one foot in front of the other trying to make it through the day. I have been there for my family, my mom, my brothers, and trying to take charge of situations that I feel at times my father would have been very helpful had he still been here. Life definitely doesn't come with a manual, life just happens. I know I cant change the events, it is what it is, its just at times I have a hard time accepting and facing the challenges in front of me. However, I also know that hiding under my bed will not help me.

I encourage you to seek professional help, you are not only dealing with your mom's loss but also with the emotional stress from what happened with your siblings, can feel at times like too high of a burden to handle.

I want to tell you that you are not alone, we all struggle in one way or another but we need to continue to move forward, make an effort to find some brightness in our day.

For me, I still can't look at photos of my father without sobbing inconsolably. There are only a couple I have gotten used to seeing but I also know my father lives on, and the memories of him reside in my heart, and I will always love him. Love never dies, I know he is ok. It is me who is still struggling to move forward with my life and reassessing what I want and what my future looks like.

Do not despair, keep pressing ahead. Joy can be found in the simplest of things, if you are willing to look.

It is hard to know what to do when your loved one, your rock is no longer physically with you, but we must reach inside us and move forward. Look for a positive change in your life, I think it will help you move forward, and I assure you, your mom would want you to be happy and live a fulfilling life.

And Be gentle with yourself, you have gone under a life changing event, take it one day, one hour, one minute, one moment at a time.

Hugs,

-L

[niamh]

hi Aquarius7, my friend in grief,

We've shared much over the last few years, so many similar feelings. I am so so very sorry that you feel depressed and so alone in the world. I can totally relate to that feeling.

I've wished so often I could just go be with my Dad, wished to be able to fast forward life. I feel like I am stuck in a cage, I want to run from life. The insecurity I feel really annoys me, that was not me before but I worry about people in my life abandoning me. I feel like my Dad "let me down" when he passed away, although I know it "wasn't his fault", it was the first time EVER that he let me down and what a way to "do it", just leave me alone so early in my life.

I also lost my relationship with my first cousin who was always like a sister to me. We don't talk, hang out anymore and I know eventually that's something I need to work on too. Who knows how long all this will take, nothing is happening quickly for me.

I am now going for counselling and I hope you can read my other post sharing that story.

I am sorry the hospice is not returning your calls and that the lady you were seeing has stopped calling, that's not right to me. I'm very slow to suggest or recommend to anyone what do to but I just hope that you can reach out, look for options for talking to someone. Perhaps you haven't met the right person yet, perhaps the time wasn't right before. I can honestly sit here and write that as much as I tried rebuilding my life, I've also had some great fun times the last few years but there's always been something missing, always an emptiness that never goes away. Now I am aware of what has actually happened to me, why my thinking is the way it is and it's all thanks to going for counselling. I have a way to go yet.

I don't know what more to say, I just so understand where you are coming from. Complicated grief is certainly me, I never thought I was "stuck" before recently.

so sending you hugs and peace and hope too that you can reach out and can work on getting YOU back.

Niamh