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Counselling After 3.5 Years Of Losing My Dad


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Hi All,

I wanted to share the latest in my grief journey, if it helps even 1 person then that is good enough for me.
Long story short I lost my beloved Dad suddenly 17th Dec 2009 and my entire world crashed down. I lost my spirit, I lost myself and have hated every waking moment of life since. I carried on doing the best I could but reality is life has been on pause/stopped mode. Life has not had any meaning for me since and many's a night I've spent wishing I simply could go be with my Dad.
Friends and family have suggested counselling to me on and off over the last 3.5 years and I refused all the time. I didn't want to "talk to a stranger", what would they know about my closeness with my Dad, words cannot describe our relationship. So I refused over and over and over right up to only 2 months ago was still refusing and "arguing" my side.
About 5 weeks ago something changed, I don't know what, I just felt like I could no longer cope with anything. So for 24hrs I toyed with looking for a counsellor. 24 hrs later one evening after work I was in such a horrible state I went looking again and found a centre 10mins from where I live that were open until 9pm. Out I went not having a clue "why" or "what" I was going for but I just needed to talk to someone. Their policy is within 24 hrs you would see someone, no delays. I asked if there was anyone available that evening and there was so I had my first session. I've had 5 since and continue to go once a week.
What came out of even the very first 2 sessions shocked me a lot.Through simply listening to my story I was asked:
  • If I thought maybe I have blocked my Dad out completely
  • did I feel like I buried my spirit with him
  • did I feel like I buried every part of myself that was like my Dad (which is probably 90% of me we are so alike)
All I could do was nod in tears, each of those words made perfect sense to me. I also realised this was something I could absolutely never have uncovered on my own. Believe me I have done my share of research and reading on grief the last few years but nothing close to this ever ever came to my mind.
I was told it's all under there somewhere just buried deep under "complicated grief and trauma" & it will be painful to bring it out but I will get there.
Here's the next part that truly blew me away. 2 weeks ago I explained what happened the night I lost my Dad. Spoke about being called into the hospital at 3.20am & being asked immediately if he had. DNR (do not resuscitate) because they were 20mins doing CPR.
Please bear with me as I share this.
I panicked telling them "keep going he doesn't have a DNR". The hospital immediately began telling my Mom & I that he couldn't have been in a better place (THE ER) when he went Into cardiac arrest because they found him immediately when he fell in the bathroom....something was so so rotten about how defensive they were while I sat agitated wanting to know where the hell was my Dad and what was happening and wanted to tell them SHUT UP about defending the hospital. We were then asked if we wanted to go see him...YES OF COURSE. But I think reality began to set in, I fell to my knees as we walked down to the ward, over 20mins of CPR ....how could my Dad be brought back as the same person without brain damage, it was too late now?? In we went to witness a doctor performing CPR. I grabbed my Dad's hand which was almost cold, no defibrillator to be seen, no heart monitors, machines....NOTHING but a bed in the middle of the floor....again something was off.
I held his hand so tight screaming for him to come back to me. After about 5 mins a nurse had to tell the doctor to stop CPR and they called time of death. This is what you see in the movies, not reality, not my life. I fell over onto my Dads tummy and started screaming. I literally felt something leave my body in that moment....my spirit, gone. A nurse proceeded to tell me to be quiet as there were other patients asleep. Seriously????? My Dad did not get a minutes sleep in the 2 nights because of police and drunken people in and out all night. Yet I WAS being told keep quiet! I then ran to the bathroom and started throwing up, this was it, the moment in life I dreaded since death became a reality to me. I never ever wanted to lose my Dad, thought he would live to be 90, walk me down the aisle, be the most super Grandad in the world......but it was not meant to be.
That was the night my worst nightmare came through. My counsellor was horrified we witnessed this, we should NOT have been taken in there while that was going on.
So this is the trauma that has "caught me" and needs to be worked on,talked out over and over until "it loses its grip on me". Even now writing this I feel my heart racing, I feel the tears, a little panic.
Here's where I am once again stunned. I shared the "issue of the trauma of seeing CPR" with some friends. Well by last Monday I came to learn that with 4 of my closest friends, who have been there thoughout and with whom I have spent many long hours talking about my grief, this was the first time any of them knew what I had seen. They all recall me talking about that night in the hospital but yet I never mentioned the CPR to them. Honestly I felt like I was losing my mind hearing this. I recall talking over and over about that night, I could have sworn I spoke of ever part of it but apparently not so. Somehow I highly doubt 4 of my closest friends could forget something like that.
So although its always been in my mind, I didn't fully block it out but I never ever spoke of it. I guess it all bubbled over finally after 3.5 years and needed to come out.
So now the extra hard work begins in terms of dealing with this. I feel like I am back in the place I was 3.5 years.....I am so anxious all the time, trying not to force anything. I'm getting sick a lot. I try positive thinking but it's not working for me .....YET. Life scares me still and I want myself back, I want my life back and I really hope I will get there.
I'm trying everything to relax, relaxation music, iphone apps for relaxing, breathing,visualisation but to be honest I'm struggling and most of the time it's not working. So if anyone has any extra ideas I'd appreciate it. (Exercise is not for me btw :-) )
So that's where I'm at now and wanted to share especially for anyone who is like me when it comes to the hesitation of going to a grief counsellor, just so you get an idea of the type of thing that comes from it.
Much love hugs and thanks as always to everyone here. The support had always and continues to be amazing here.
Niamh
Xo
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Dear Niamh,

Thank you for sharing your story here. I am so glad that you are seeing a grief counselor. They are known to perform miracles when one opens up and begins to allow the grief to happen. I am so sorry that you had to witness all that you did in the ER.

I see a ray of hope coming from you and healing beginning. I send you a virtual hug and wish for you continued healing. You will always carry your Dad with you for he is very much with you right now. Try to just accept what is happening within you. Breathing is good.

Anne

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Niamh, my dear, I am extremely happy for you, and so grateful to you for sharing your story here, as it serves as solid and dramatic testament to the value of grief counseling ~ which truly can be life-changing, no matter when you seek it. (I am reminded of a similar story from one of our members, later posted here: Voices of Experience: Delayed Grief.) It takes great courage to share such a story, and for that you have my deepest admiration and respect. You'll never know how many other people you have helped with this post. From my heart to yours, thank you.

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Niamh,

I reiterate what Marty said, your post will be of help to many people and encourage them to get the grief counseling they need. Perhaps in a way this spoke to me because it's always bothered me that the hospital threw me out of my husband's room and wouldn't let me be there with him when he died. But perhaps the reason was to spare me the CPR trauma I undoubtedly would have witnessed. I don't know. I just know I wish I could have been with him as his spirit passed on to the next world as we always went through everything together. But then he didn't slip quietly in his sleep, he went through the horrors of them working violently to save his life, only to lose him anyway.

I'm sorry you got insensitivity in the hospital, I received some of that as well. To them it may just be a job they come to every day, but to us it is a monumental moment in time that we will never forget.

I wish you well in your continuing grief sessions and hold the utmost optimism for your being able to reconvene your life in due time.

(((hugs))

Kay

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Kay, my dear, your statement struck a chord with me. You said,

I'm sorry you got insensitivity in the hospital, I received some of that as well. To them it may just be a job they come to every day, but to us it is a monumental moment in time that we will never forget.

I am reminded of a time when, as a teenager I was in the hospital recuperating from one of my spinal fusion surgeries. I was in a full body cast, which I knew I'd be in for the better part of a year, flat on my back and separated from my classmates for the remainder of the school year. A student nurse was giving me routine morning care, and I was crying, obviously feeling blue at the time and feeling very sorry for myself. She admonished me for crying and told me I should "count my lucky stars" because I was fortunate to have the surgery behind me. I was astonished at her insensitivity, and knowing already that I'd always wanted to become a nurse myself, right then and there I vowed that once I became a nurse I would never respond that way to someone else's sorrow, and I would never, EVER speak that way to one of my patients. I have never forgotten that incident ~ and I am certain that it was for me one of those life-defining moments that shaped the sort of person (and counselor) that I am today. What is the lesson here? For me, it is simply that it does not matter what happens to us in life ~ What matters is what we DO with what happens to us. I know that this is true for you, dear Kay, and I hope and pray that it will be true for Niamh as well.

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And we are the lucky recipients of that lesson, my dear Marty! I had not known you had been through something like that, but you are right: Everything we go through shapes and molds us into who we are, and we can use that for good or bad, and it seems you do the former!

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Dear Niamh,

Thank you for sharing your story here. I am so glad that you are seeing a grief counselor. They are known to perform miracles when one opens up and begins to allow the grief to happen. I am so sorry that you had to witness all that you did in the ER.

I see a ray of hope coming from you and healing beginning. I send you a virtual hug and wish for you continued healing. You will always carry your Dad with you for he is very much with you right now. Try to just accept what is happening within you. Breathing is good.

Anne

thanks so very much Anne, I appreciate your encouragement, I certainly think a miracle is needed for me and hope that I will get there in time.

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Niamh, my dear, I am extremely happy for you, and so grateful to you for sharing your story here, as it serves as solid and dramatic testament to the value of grief counseling ~ which truly can be life-changing, no matter when you seek it. (I am reminded of a similar story from one of our members, later posted here: Voices of Experience: Delayed Grief.) It takes great courage to share such a story, and for that you have my deepest admiration and respect. You'll never know how many other people you have helped with this post. From my heart to yours, thank you.

thanks as always Marty, this grief journey never ceases to surprise me that's for sure. I hope someday I'll be posting a happy story on here about my life, xo

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Niamh,

I reiterate what Marty said, your post will be of help to many people and encourage them to get the grief counseling they need. Perhaps in a way this spoke to me because it's always bothered me that the hospital threw me out of my husband's room and wouldn't let me be there with him when he died. But perhaps the reason was to spare me the CPR trauma I undoubtedly would have witnessed. I don't know. I just know I wish I could have been with him as his spirit passed on to the next world as we always went through everything together. But then he didn't slip quietly in his sleep, he went through the horrors of them working violently to save his life, only to lose him anyway.

I'm sorry you got insensitivity in the hospital, I received some of that as well. To them it may just be a job they come to every day, but to us it is a monumental moment in time that we will never forget.

I wish you well in your continuing grief sessions and hold the utmost optimism for your being able to reconvene your life in due time.

(((hugs))

Kay

thanks again Kay. Yeah it's difficult which is the "right" way, to be with someone or not in that moment and the circumstances surrounding it. I know often people who have known they are going to lose someone say they couldn't deal with my situation but then I often think I couldn't deal with watching someone slowly lose their life. So I guess we each just have to deal with the way it happened for us.

I'm very sorry to hear you also experienced insensitivity from the hospital, I think there will always be something "wrong" with the manner in which we lose a loved one because it's not something "good" for anyone.

thanks a million for your encouragement too, I haven't found my own lot of full optimism yet but I guess it's there somewhere and hopefully will come out in due time.

((hugs)) and much peace to you as always,

Niamh

x

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Do stay in touch with us and let us know how it goes!

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Niamh, it's good to read your post. Finding people who posted here a couple years ago makes me feel like I'm among old friends.

Maybe I am fortunate in that my grief over losing my mother is no longer a disruptive force in my life. The first two years were crushing for me. Somehow I've done much better during year 3 and now into year 4.

Some of my grief issues had a different foundation than yours. One of my sibliings had taken brutal control over my mother's estate, and that left me very angry. Aquarius7 knows all about this sort of sibling trouble. I had to get counseling to address my anger issues. And it worked. I'm still perplexed at how effective counseling was for me. I started counseling at month 4.

One grief issue we do have in common is trauma in the hospital. I was the only one of my family to be with my mother as she died. I will not go into detail as that is still pretty upsetting for me. Even in this I was more fortunate than you; the hospital staff did most everything right and was supportive of my family throughout the ordeal.

I don't have answers or cures for other people's grief. For my own grief, at least, I know the things that helped me grow through it. Besides counseling, piecing together my mother's legacy helped a lot. I've dug through old family documents and photos, digitized them, and shared everything with my relatives. Something else seems to have helped me in year 3 and 4. I started my own business. It gives my life a meaningful focus and keeps me plenty busy.

It hurts to hear you are feeling so anxious and getting sick. If things ever get really bad, you know of course that there are effective anti-anxiety medications. Only a medical physician can write prescriptions, counselors can't. Otherwise it sure sounds like you are doing all the right things. Your willingness to focus and grow through the difficulty sounds pretty strong from reading your post.

Please stay connected here; helps all of us.

Ron B.

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  • 5 months later...

Hi All,

It's been a while & much had changed. I continued counselling until oct when unfortunately my counsellor went on long term sick leave. I tried 2 more after that which was pretty disastrous unfortunately.

However I also started sessions with someone who does kinesiology/craneology/EFT (emotional freedom technique). Well it turned out quite well and I broke through quite a large wall. The process works more on the subconscious layer and it was astonishing. Long story short through the sessions I discovered that subconsciously I was feeling guilty,feeling that I should have/could have done more and my Dad would still be here (never consciously thought this). It made so much sense to me that "this" along with the trauma prevented me from "living".

I ended up travelling to USA in Oct for 3 week vacation & some serious downtime for me alone. I faced things there I never thought I would. I went to New York on my own for 3 days,did everything my Dad and I used to do there and I never felt an ounce of loneliness there,I genuinely enjoyed every minute....I felt so close to my Dad there,it was always "our place". Much of what I did for the 3 weeks I had done before with my Dad and this time did it all alone. It certainly boosted my confidence and it was great to be able to truly enjoy life again.

I continued my alternative sessions when I came home, anxiety was something that hit me very hard from summer-December but it finally subsided.

For the first time in 4 years I went out with friend and went to parties in the run up to Christmas....I shopped for gifts,strolling around the city and again actually enjoyed it all. I even went to my work party on 20th dec,3 days after my Dads anniversary....to say this was a big step is beyond an understatement.

I put up the tree and spent time with my Mom decorating it and having a few drinks while doing so....a treasured memory.

Christmas Eve& Day were still hard and I can't say I enjoyed them, the sting was still there very much so and I was glad to see the back of them. New Years was also extremely tough...I never liked it and since Dad it's way harder. Had a bad panic attack but it all subsided and I made it through.

I've also taken up yoga since Oct and am doing it more and more.....the mental benefits again from this amaze me....the "exercise" benefit is just a bonus for me....how its changed my inner thinking and mindset is the real gift for me.

I still miss my Dad more than ever....I still don't really reminisce out loud ....maybe in time who knows. I still have moments where he is the only one I want to share something with,he's the only one I want advice from....but at the same time I know he's got to be there helping me through this. These are days and times I never ever thought I would see again,it seemed beyond impossible but I've found some sort of peace.

So that's me for now & long may it continue and grow from strength to strength.

Much love as always to you all as I will be forever grateful for the compassion patience and kindness from you all,

Niamh

<3

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Oh my dear Niamh, your post has made my day. It is SO good to hear from you, and I'm so pleased to learn that you've found and used some tools that have worked for you. Wonderful. Just wonderful. Your post is a gift to all of us. From my heart to yours, thank you

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Dear Niamh,

Your post is amazing. I am so glad for you that you have sought out assistance and broken through those walls and have made such great strides in the healing process. Your post will also help more people than you know. Peace to your heart and thank you for letting us know how you are.

Peace

Mary

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I am so glad to hear all of this, your amazing breakthrough! You have made my night, for sure, and I am so glad for you...I'm sure your dad is also!

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Oh thank you all so so so much for the lovely replies. As usual if even 1 person is "helped" or encouraged by this I'm glad. I've no doubt we all have thought at some point "I am the exception".

Kay thank you so very much, made me smile a lot to hear this made your night. Yep pretty sure my Dad is up there thinking "YEAAHH that's my daughter,never doubted her for a second" :-).

Love & thanks as ALWAYS!

Niamh

<3

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:) Wishing you the best!

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  • 2 months later...

Niamh,

I'm glad that you are doing better. I hope that I can achieve the peace that you have. But for right now I struggle with my grief and the pain of loosing my Mom. I am deeply sorry for the insensitivity that you experienced at the hands of the hospital, I was lucky for the most part, and most of my Mom's nurses were kind, the doctor's are another story. I too suffer from the trauma of watching my Mom pass as she died from sepsis and I was with her the entire time, I still have flashbacks of the hospital room and experiencing her struggling to hang on, it is something I deal with alone mostly, but I am working on it with my counselor, who thinks it is mild PTSD. I tell you this only so that you know I understand the pain of watching a loved one suffer and die, and offer my love and prayers to you and your family.

Peace and Love.

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I am so happy you are doing better. Truth is, no matter how much counseling or venting with friends, I feel that the pain doesn't ever go away, just fades a bit, even if you try to be positive and think of happy memories.

Fact is. It's difficult to cope when triggers like holidays come and go - when flashbacks of the good memories arise as do vivid reminders of watching one's parents die in a traumatizing way. I wish we could erase the pain. The loss.

Bottomline. It's difficult - these painful experiences often define who we are now. We wish they did not. But they do. When someone you deeply loved, who played a pivotal role in your life is gone - it's impossible to fill the void. It's just plain sad.

I wish you well.

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It's true, the missing them never goes away, but the intense pain should lessen eventually as we get better at coping with it and adjusting to the loss. We do have to do our grief work though, it doesn't just magically get better on it's own.

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