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The Girl I Was Dating Dumped Me


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Got thrown for another loop yesterday :( the minister in my church has resigned. I was kind of expecting it; some of the high-ranking people in the church didn't treat him very well and he certainly deserves better. He will be missed because he helped me with both my parent's deaths and the situation with my ex.

As far as my ex goes, I found her tweets on Twitter. I'm still going no contact and will for the foreseeable future, but I can see now that she is totally consumed by her grief. She is trying to find ways to contact her dad (psychics, EVP) and the day before his birthday even tweeted to find a medium who could bring her in contact with him (the day after his birthday was when she dealt me the blow). She is also using humor to feel better (something I do myself; laughter really IS the best medicine). There is no indication that she has a new boyfriend, but I'm still taking that at face value. In the past 2 weeks, 2 people have said something to me about that. One said "if she doesn't have the energy for you, she doesn't have the energy for anyone else" and the other said "making you go away by telling you she has a new boyfriend is easier for her than talking to you about her feelings".

I'm still working hard on finding someone new.

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Good...that is a little confusing (her telling you she had someone when she didn't). I suppose she wanted you to give up hope and move on.

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Something else I'd like to clarify: When my psychiatrist told me to set aside one hour of "grief time" each day and look at pics of her, I had expressed concern about griefbursts. All of us here know how those damn things just happen out of the blue and at bad times. My concern was that my griefbursts would begin to interfere with my ability to take care of myself and/or fulfill my daily responsibilities and obligations. The idea was to bring the grief emotions to the surface and let them come pouring out in private so that hopefully I would be ok for the rest of the day.

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This is known as "dosing" and for many mourners, it can be a very effective tool, as it gives us some sense of control over our grief ~ or at least when and how we choose to immerse ourselves in our feelings of loss ~ and a way to contain it, too. It is exactly as you described: Pick a safe place and time, and do whatever you need to do to bring your feelings to the surface. That could be listening to sad music, watching a sad movie, going through photographs of your beloved, holding a familiar connecting object or article of clothing ~ whatever puts you in touch with your pain. Set aside a specific time frame every day ~ say twenty minutes, or an hour, or whatever feels right to you ~ and do your best to stick to it, so that there is a sense of both a beginning and an ending to it. Then let all your pain come to the surface and just go with it ~ as completely and as fully as you can ~ until your time is up. Then "put it away" until the next time comes around, when you will know that you have that time to do it all over again. Next time a sad feeling threatens to overtake you (at a time or in a place where you don't feel comfortable giving in to it), you can tell yourself to "save" it until your "Grief Time" comes around that day, knowing that you have a safe place and time set aside for it ~ a container to hold it all, that you can take out and put back on a shelf when you are done with it for that day.

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Good...that is a little confusing (her telling you she had someone when she didn't). I suppose she wanted you to give up hope and move on.

What I understood was that this are just assumptions from friends (correct me if I am wrong and not the actual case).

My opinion is that someone who has no energy, doesn't have no energy for anyone else.

If s/he has, even if the other relationship is different or easier, then it is a diffrent case. It is the case that they prefered someone else for their grief and not us.

To me things are simpler, epsecially after so many months. I gave a lot of excuses and made many assumptions. But not things are too clear for me.

And as already mentioned by guilthunted, even if it is only grief related, noone guarantee that they will come back. In fact it is the opposite, but I guess everyone wants to hope that their case is different.

I don't know arbitrator, but there were cases here where the other one have energy for someone else. To me you don't seem ready to move on. You try to stick to a hope that she is telling lies at you and that she is not with someone else and she will be back at some point in the future.

But in any case, even if she doesn't have a boyfriend, which seriously, I dont see any reason of telling you lies about that but anyway, even if this is the case, this has already taken her a lot of time and it seems that it will take more. what are you going to do?wait for her eternally? and then realize that you were waiting for nothing? And she indeed had a boyfriend?

Why don't you just start with the basics? You say that she wasn't exactly your girlfriend to begin with. If she couldn't be your girlfriend when she had the energy and she didn't grief, what makes you believe that she will do it now? The fact that you were such perfect with her, doesn't mean that she will appreciate it. Life is hard

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Yeah, this sounds like too much effort and for what?

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Believe me Pollara, when someone new finally comes along I will be SO ready to move on.

I hope she will come soon then :)

Well what I am saying is something that I do it myself so I know. I am not the one to talk, but at least I am better at advising others than my self. Whoever I meet, I find a "minus" in order not to move to a next level with him. For instance, no he is not as handsome as my ex was, or he doesn't dance as my ex was doing and other irational things that I know that I am doing it subconsiously to try to find excuses. But I am also like that because it is difficult to trust again someone.

But, why don't you try to move on without having necessarily someone? I know it is lot easier when there is someone thought

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I hope she will come soon then :)

Well what I am saying is something that I do it myself so I know. I am not the one to talk, but at least I am better at advising others than my self. Whoever I meet, I find a "minus" in order not to move to a next level with him. For instance, no he is not as handsome as my ex was, or he doesn't dance as my ex was doing and other irational things that I know that I am doing it subconsiously to try to find excuses. But I am also like that because it is difficult to trust again someone.

But, why don't you try to move on without having necessarily someone? I know it is lot easier when there is someone thought

It doesn't have to be a relationship right away; a friend with benefits would suit me just fine!

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I've decided that for my "dosing" I will look at pics of my Dad....I don't want to look at pics of my ex because I fear it could lead to a dangerous obsession. I've heard a lot of news stories about that happening and I do NOT want to do anything I'm going to regret.

yeah it leads to obsession sometimes. I have read an article which was saying that a break up is almost as addictive as heroine so it is difficult to stop the obsession. Any way, I mean, why don't you try to move without having anyone at all. no friends with benefits or whatever

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yeah it leads to obsession sometimes. I have read an article which was saying that a break up is almost as addictive as heroine so it is difficult to stop the obsession. Any way, I mean, why don't you try to move without having anyone at all. no friends with benefits or whatever

That's like telling a diabetic to try to move on without insulin. I'm a human being with human being needs, so until I find someone new I am going to be in pain :(

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That's like telling a diabetic to try to move on without insulin. I'm a human being with human being needs, so until I find someone new I am going to be in pain :(

No it is not like that. I have moved on a lot of times in my life without having someone in the between. Maybe it is easier if you find someone or a rebound relationship, but I don't believe that someone else is necessarily needed. See KayC for instance, she is not dating anyone and I believe that even if she didn't talk with Jim, she would have moved on anyway.

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I have totally moved on, and yes, being friends with him has nothing to do with it, because I had to accept the total change in our relationship, my hopes, dreams for the future, etc.
But I'm okay with it, now...it hurt like the dickens the first few months.

What you learn to do in being alone, is care for yourself. Validate yourself, appreciate yourself, be kind to yourself. You don't need another person for that. You can't know what we're talking about unless you've done it. It is a very good idea to give yourself a break to heal after the ending of a relationship, rather than jumping from one to the next. Otherwise it's like an addiction you're trying to get a fix for. It's like trying to avoid doing the healing work you need to do within yourself. Give yourself some time to learn and grow from what this relationship taught you so you are more in a state of readiness when you encounter the next one.

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I found my ex on Twitter; been reading her tweets (no following, that's contact). The other night she tweeted Percy Sledge's "When A Man Loves A Woman" and said "I wonder if love like this ever existed". If I wasn't going NC I would have tweeted "it did, but you threw it away". She's also tweeted pics of her son and dog, but no guy (?)

Still working on finding someone new.....no takers :(

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Reading is contact, a person can follow them on line all they want but it won't help them heal. It's for YOU, not her.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I hope you find someone. Meanwhile, busy yourself with friends & family, interests. It'll happen when you least expect it.

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It's sad, isn't it. Jim talked with me for hours this week. He told me the reason he hadn't tried to get me back afterwards was because he knew deep inside he'd wronged me and he never wants to play with someone's emotions like that again. He said at the time all he could think about was his mom and the promise he'd made to her (not to put her in a nursing home), and honoring her wishes (she didn't want to meet me and refused to have me there). He said he knew he hadn't done right by me. He said he had meant everything he said to me, that he had loved me and he has nothing but regrets now where I'm concerned. He listens to sad music and thinks of me. But in all that regret, he's not once done anything about it. Words and wishes mean nothing to me, it's action that counts. I still have feelings for him but I'm glad we aren't together because I deserve someone who would never do that to me, not in a million years. I had that person once, and he died. I no longer trust, Jim polished that off, I will live alone and let my memories of my one true love, my husband George, sustain me in my old age. I never should have given anyone else a chance, it didn't turn out so well for me. But I am good being alone, at least I know how to treat myself!

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I can certainly understand your being unable to trust KayC, I feel the same way. My ex's dad had been sick the entire time we knew each other and she even once told me that when he passed she would really be counting on me for support (how funny is THAT?) She also told me once how well I always treated her and I told her that I had to treat her right otherwise guys would start lining up to replace me, to which she answered "no they won't, guys want nothing to do with me". We made so many plans together, but most of them never came to pass mainly due to her inability to follow through on things or honor commitments. Her catchphrase was "I'm busy". But whenever we were together, even when it was just to go out to dinner, it was magical. She would always say "I'm having a really good time". But when her dad died, all that was over. She stopped telling me she loved me and gradually became more distant then 2 months ago told me to stop talking to her and that she had a boyfriend. Now she has turned hostile toward me, tweeting to all her followers on Twitter to "block me if I try to follow them because I'm a stalker". If I didn't know that she's seriously messed up I would consider suing her for slander; I have done nothing to her which comes under the criteria for stalking. She is in very bad need of professional help but will most likely never get it because like I said before she doesn't follow through on anything or honor commitments. She is unable to support herself and is completely dependent upon others. I on the other hand am self supporting and independent, so it's time to abandon hope that she will eventually straighten out and find someone new.

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Stalking is with the intent to harm or imposed threat. It's overboard, more than merely checking their facebook page now and then. Besides, she has the ability to block you if she wants to remain private. She can get a restraining order if she is that worried but you have to have basis for one. Good grief!

Jim broke up with me to take care of his mom...I still don't get that, he could have put me on a back burner, had me wait or something, but no, he cut off all ties with me, it was abrupt and without warning. No discussion. He didn't resume contact until after his mom passed, then I got mixed messages, but still, he never attempted to get me back...he claims to this day that he'd loved me, meant every word he'd said to me. That's why I can't trust...he was always there for his family and friends, I did everything I could to check him out before giving my heart to him and look how it backfired! I am the ONLY one he wasn't there for! I am the only one he broke his promises to! So nope, no can trust, no more!

I'm sorry your ex is slandering you, that must really hurt and anger you! If you value the people's opinion she is slandering you to, you might order her to desist or be slapped with a lawsuit. Depends on if it's worth it to you.

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Yes, it does hurt. However, I'm doing everything I can to avoid anger. Like I said in a previous post, I don't want to do anything I'm going to regret. Aside from the pain I'm in, I have a good life. I have steady work, my own home and financial security and I am NOT going to let anyone or anything destroy that. I don't care what her followers think, most of them are paranormal "experts". She's been consulting psychics and trying to learn how to do EVP in an attempt to contact her dad. I reported the tweet, I'm not going to order her to desist; that could be misconstrued as threatening. Also, right before the "stalker" tweet, there was one saying to me "leave my girlfriend alone" but it didn't come from any guy, it came from her! (?)

Just today I thought about Miley Cyrus and how she's been acting and now she's finally admitting she needs help. Some called her a "meltdown waiting to happen". I now think my ex is suffering a meltdown too. Her father's death was simply the trigger.

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You could be right. Isn't it nice to know that she isn't your problem now? That you can focus on YOU! It's good that you recognize the good in your life, your job, your home, your life. It has helped me tremendously to try and focus on the good that IS in my life rather than what ISN'T. Practicing gratitude and mindful presence makes a tremendous difference in one's well being.

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Yes, THAT is nice to know. What isn't so nice is the pain I'm suffering now. Maybe this is a life lesson the Lord wants me to learn. Now I understand how my father must have felt when my mother died. I also have some understanding of how husbands who lose their wives to Alzheimer's must feel.

I'm watching Twitter to make sure she doesn't post any more defamatory comments about me, in doing so I have found that all but 3 of her followers are paranormal believers. Before her dad died she never said anything to me about paranormal phenomena. She never said anything mean to me either. Wanna know something else interesting? She hasn't blocked me! Don't get me wrong, she's not going to get any tweets from me until she gets straightened out (unlikely).

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