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Please Help! Sudden Death Of Fiance And Now Ptsd


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#16 KarenK

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Posted 25 October 2013 - 02:24 AM

SnowWhite,

 

I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my husband of 40+ years almost 6 months ago. I too, was filled with anger, not at him, but at the less than stellar medical care he received on several occasions during his illness. I cannot forgive the stupidity of those who contributed to his death, but my anger has lessened over time. One of the kindest things you can do for your self is to let the anger go. It will eat you alive.

 

I'm also sorry that Adam was not up front with you about his health, but you know in your heart that he did not mean to jeopardize your future. As others have said, he may have been in denial just not realizing how very serious this was. Among my husband's medical conditions was a bad heart. He had a pacemaker/defibrillator for many years, but in the end it did not save his life. It was just another life support system for which I had to give permission to the doctors to turn off.

 

I am glad you have found a qualified counselor. Talking it out is so important. Loneliness is one of our biggest enemies. In addition to this forum, I also belong to a local widows support group. It is definitely comforting to be with those who "get it". Our group here is filled with so many caring, wonderful people. Come here often & we will walk beside you on this difficult journey.

 

Karen



#17 Ms.SnowWhite

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Posted 25 October 2013 - 06:03 AM


Try to keep in mind, every time it surfaces and you feel that understandable anger:

1) Acknowledge his wrong to you.  The fact that he's dead does not let him off the hook.  If he was here, he'd have to answer to you in a big way.

 

2) Remember all of the rest of who he was...he still is that person.  That one lie (or many about the same thing) does not change all of the wonderful things about him.  Continue to love him.  Remember that he not only lied to you, but to himself.  He was in denial.  For what reasons, you may never know.

 

3)  If he was able to sit down and write a letter to you now, his secret out in the open, what would he say to you?  Try to write that letter to you from him.  Read it as often as you need to.

 

Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I can't imagine what you went through learning this shortly before his death and dealing with the consequences long after his death. You gave truly excellent advice. I have felt so guilty being mad at him. When he was alive, we only had two major arguments and he made it impossible to stay angry at him. He would calmly talk to me and then make a goofy face to make me laugh. Now, he can't apologize or fix this. He can't cheer me up. His lie stole that from us. I will take your advice and try to focus on all of the wonderful things that made me love him.

 

I had a rough night last night. My bridesmaids were taking care of cancelling things for our wedding. Most vendors have been so understanding and willing to refund our deposits. The caterer and bridal boutique are another story. The caterer told my friends I should get legal representation even after they showed him Adam's death certificate and explained the circumstances. The bridal boutique told me I should try to sell my dress on Ebay even though I just ordered it, it hasn't been shipped or altered yet, and they can easily cancel the order. Money is the least of my worries right now, but as a Catholic school teacher, I am living paycheck to paycheck and now have medical bills from my grief counselor and trauma therapist that need to be paid. My mom was also recently diagnosed with breast cancer and has been unable to work (she is a teacher's aide so is an hourly employee). I would like to be able to refund as much money as possible to help my parents. All of this stress makes me even angrier at Adam for letting us plan a wedding for June when he knew how serious his condition was.



#18 mfh

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Posted 25 October 2013 - 06:32 AM

Dear Ms. SnowWhite,

Again, my heart reaches out to you as you carry this load including your mom's health, the manner in which some of your vendors for the wedding have been dealing with you. That is just shocking. And the finances becoming an issue as bills roll in adding to the stress. I know about Catholic school teacher's salaries having taught for 14 years in the Catholic schools.

 

I do want to return to the topic of Adam's lies to you. It is possible and perhaps even highly probable that this young man was in denial...not allowing into his own consciousness how serious this condition was even when doctors told him of the pacemaker. Many young people think they will never die...it makes no sense to them...and he had dreams with you. Perhaps (we will never know) he had not yet  taken his own health seriously. As serious as Bill's (my husband) condition was and both of us being professionals who should know better, I KNOW I was still in denial of his approaching death until finally a brave physician (sadly late) had the courage to get my serious attention just a week before his death...that after watching Bill approach his own death for at least 4 years and in one sense, knowing it was coming. My desire for us to share more of life certainly got in the way.  figured two more years...not one week...blind as I needed to be at the time. No one knows what was going on in Adam's heart and mind. There is the possibility that he, himself, might not have been able to allow and accept the reality of how serious his condition was even though physicians were talking about interventions.

 

I hold you and your mom in my thoughts and prayers,

Mary


Mary Friedel-Hunt MA LCSW

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Email: mfriedelhunt@charter.net

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I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go you go, my dear)  -eecummings                Your wound is where the light enters you. ~Rumi


#19 Ms.SnowWhite

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Posted 25 October 2013 - 09:22 AM

 

 

I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my husband of 40+ years almost 6 months ago. I too, was filled with anger, not at him, but at the less than stellar medical care he received on several occasions during his illness. I cannot forgive the stupidity of those who contributed to his death, but my anger has lessened over time. One of the kindest things you can do for your self is to let the anger go. It will eat you alive.

 

I am so sorry that your husband was not given the best medical care. That is one of my biggest struggles with Adam's death. We were at two hospitals that discharged him with a clean bill of health. Then, his cardiologist, who has worked on Adam's case since he was 12, said his problem sounded neurological and didn't even ask for any tests to be done on his heart. He died of heart failure the next day. These doctors were so negligent and treated Adam more like a person taking up space in a crowded ER than like a man desperately in need of their help. I hope that my anger with them can lessen over time as yours did. I know that it is not healthy and accomplishes nothing to hold onto this anger. In my heart, I just know that there were so many little mistakes and if one of these were fixed, Adam might still be alive.

 


I do want to return to the topic of Adam's lies to you. It is possible and perhaps even highly probable that this young man was in denial...not allowing into his own consciousness how serious this condition was even when doctors told him of the pacemaker. Many young people think they will never die...it makes no sense to them...and he had dreams with you. Perhaps (we will never know) he had not yet  taken his own health seriously. As serious as Bill's (my husband) condition was and both of us being professionals who should know better, I KNOW I was still in denial of his approaching death until finally a brave physician (sadly late) had the courage to get my serious attention just a week before his death...that after watching Bill approach his own death for at least 4 years and in one sense, knowing it was coming. My desire for us to share more of life certainly got in the way.  figured two more years...not one week...blind as I needed to be at the time. No one knows what was going on in Adam's heart and mind. There is the possibility that he, himself, might not have been able to allow and accept the reality of how serious his condition was even though physicians were talking about interventions.

 

I do think that Adam was in denial. He was always told that if his condition got serious, he would not have a lot of energy. He was never that way. We went hiking and zip lining weeks before his death. I am sure he thought that he was young and was going to beat this condition. However, I find it so hard to accept that he constantly lied to me. He downplayed his condition, saying the medication he was on was fixing it. I trusted him. He never said that a heart/lung transplant would eventually be needed for him to survive.

 

I also spoke to him after each of his cardiologist appointments. I was always worried and asked for updates. He always told me his cardiologist was amazed by his energy level and how well he was doing on his medications. This reassured me and made me believe we had nothing to fear. He made a choice not to tell me about the pacemaker. His heart was at 30% in January (two months before he proposed) and he didn't tell me. His cardiologist strongly recommended he get a pacemaker and he hid it from me. He knew that I would make him get a pacemaker and since he didn't want to, he hid the information from me.

 

His decision to not follow his cardiologist's orders resulted in his death and mine. I know that I am still physically living, but the person I was is dead. The hopes and dreams I had for our future together are dead. I don't know how I can ever be happy again or how I can ever trust someone again. The man that I loved unconditionally and was so open and honest with, kept a huge secret from me. Now, I am stuck with the consequences of that decision. I have to relive his death each day, I have to miss him each moment, I have to box up our wedding items and cancel our wedding vendors, I have to say goodbye to our future and the children we dreamed of having.



#20 kayc

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Posted 27 October 2013 - 06:18 PM

It is okay to feel angry with him, your feelings are valid.  Just don't let them overshadow who he was/is and remember we are all multifaceted, containing our strengths and weaknesses.  I'm sure he never intended for you to get hurt.

 

About the bridal botique, that makes me angry.  How dare they!  I'd tell them I'd be happy to pay for it and accept it if they didn't mind my writing a letter to the newspaper about how they dealt with it.  Grrr!


We WILL meet again! ...my Soulmate, my best friend, thru all time

#21 feralfae

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Posted 27 October 2013 - 06:44 PM

Kay, as usual, you come up with the best ideas!  I love your feistiness!

fae



#22 feralfae

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Posted 27 October 2013 - 06:52 PM

Dear Ms.SnowWhite,

Oh, my dear, I am so very sorry for your loss!  All the dreams and the future, suddenly shifted away.  I am so sorry for all you are going through with learning more of the medical condition, and for how you were treated those last days.

 

Thank you for keeping us abreast of the events as they unfold.  I still have a lot of old anger about Doug's treatment by hospitals and medical practitioners.  And while I was not in denial, I did not give up until Doug told me it was time, because that had been our agreement.  I am so sorry you did not have time for goodbyes and talks.  Doug has been gone since 7 February 2012, and I cherish our last months together, although we knew we had most likely lost the battle by then.  

 

I know you are still numb and in a fog. Perhaps your parents at school will hold a fundraiser for you, as we used to do for our lay teachers at the Parish schools. You are not alone, thank goodness, and you have loving children and adults around you at your school.  Lean on them, and let them love you as much as they want to.   It is a good thing to ask for hugs.  

 

Keep taking good care of your health, dear heart.  Be sure you are resting and eating well and staying hydrated.  It is easy to ignore our physical bodies when our emotional beings are in such terrible pain and grief.

 

Blessings to you, and moments of Peace,

*<twinkles>*

feralfae



#23 enna

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Posted 28 October 2013 - 12:31 PM

Checking in to see how you are doing, Ms Snowflake.  I remembered from a long while back that when I was reading articles that I had bookmarked this one by our grief courselor moderator, Marty, and it reminded me of your dreams for a future with Adam that are now gone.  The link is here:  under "Death-of-a-spouse-or-partner": 

 

"Disenfranchised Grief: Mourning the Loss of a Dream"

 

I know that you are very busy with school and I really hope that you have found some time to just be with your grief.    Anne


Edited by MartyT, 28 October 2013 - 01:07 PM.
Link inserted


#24 Ms.SnowWhite

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Posted 28 October 2013 - 06:48 PM

It is okay to feel angry with him, your feelings are valid.  Just don't let them overshadow who he was/is and remember we are all multifaceted, containing our strengths and weaknesses.  I'm sure he never intended for you to get hurt.

 

About the bridal botique, that makes me angry.  How dare they!  I'd tell them I'd be happy to pay for it and accept it if they didn't mind my writing a letter to the newspaper about how they dealt with it.  Grrr!

Thanks again for the excellent advice. I am trying to concentrate on the good memories. Right now, when I think of them, they somehow morph into the events leading to his death or I have a mental countdown of how many months he had left at that point. Does this happen to anyone else on here? Thinking of the a good memory brings me to tears because I either know I won't get any more of them or remember the days leading up to his death.

 

Wedding Vendor Update:

I am getting full refunds from all but two vendors. One vendor has not returned calls/emails for a month. The second vendor is the dress boutique. Here is a quick summary:

 

My dress went into production in early October. My bridesmaids contacted the boutique in September and spoke to a manager. She told them that she would give this her immediate attention, inform the owner, contact the manufacturer, cancel the order, and was almost positive she could get a full refund. She did none of these things. The owner was informed on Friday after I stated I might contact the media since calls and emails were not returned. The manufacturer was not called until today. It is now too late to cancel the order. Here are some lovely quotes from my email exchange with the owner:

It is exhausting mentally to read all that you right - if 
you would have simply said "thank you" and waited for my response tomorrow you 
may have been happily surprised. But now, you will not hear from my for one 
week. If you continue to email me with all of this I am not going to be in the 
mood to be generous with the offer that I was thinking about making. 

This was said after I asked for an update regarding what the manufacturer said today.

 

Here is another one:

The solution I can 
provide is going to be out of the goodness of my heart and yet you use words 
such as the above. I am very upset at this point - thinking about doing 
something nice for someone and this is how we are treated. 
 
I will be in touch in 7 days. Email or call again, and I will never be in touch 
again. 

This was said in regards to the fact I mentioned contacting the media and that it was negligent of his store manager to not contact him or the manufacturer when she was first told of the situation in September.

 

I have been getting emails like this from him all weekend. He knows all about the events leading to Adam's death and my diagnosis. He still spoke to me like this.



#25 feralfae

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Posted 28 October 2013 - 08:29 PM

Ms.SnowFlake,

Please turn this stiff over to someone else.  Let someone else handle this stuff.  You are too vulnerable, confused, in a fog, being discounted, adn all sorts of things.

 

You need to turn this stuff over to someone else and trust that it will all work out just fine.  I am totally positive that there are many Angels watching over you, and you need to reach out to the ones around you and let this stuff go.  If you have a lawyer, give everything to him or her.  If you have a parent who can birddog this stuff,  or a friend, please let it go.  It will only fester and make you feel worse.  

 

Let yourself move into your grief, and hold your broken heart close, and be at peace as much as you are able, dear heart.

 

Please let others help you.  Ask for help.

 

Blessings, and my prayers. while I hold you in my heart.  

*<twinkles>*

fae



#26 kayc

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Posted 29 October 2013 - 07:01 AM

I am sorry you are dealing with such a coldhearted oaf as this.  If they had any heart in them at all, they would have responded with understanding.  They are greedy and wouldn't care about you no matter how you responded.  They are trying to shift the blame to YOU, which shows their intentions.  I don't know if you have a legal standing or not, but if you do have an attorney, I'd certainly bring it up.  It depends on how much your loss would be with the dress vs. how much an attorney would cost.


We WILL meet again! ...my Soulmate, my best friend, thru all time

#27 Ms.SnowWhite

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Posted 29 October 2013 - 09:46 AM

Checking in to see how you are doing, Ms Snowflake.  I remembered from a long while back that when I was reading articles that I had bookmarked this one by our grief courselor moderator, Marty, and it reminded me of your dreams for a future with Adam that are now gone.  The link is here:  under "Death-of-a-spouse-or-partner": 

 

"Disenfranchised Grief: Mourning the Loss of a Dream"

 

I know that you are very busy with school and I really hope that you have found some time to just be with your grief.    Anne

Thank you for this article. I have been thinking about doing this for awhile and it has inspired me: "You might consider writing a letter to this man, telling him everything you need to say to him. Whether he can “read” what you write is not the point – the objective here is to get down on paper whatever thoughts and feelings you have about all of this, to get it out of your mind and heart and onto paper (or your computer screen) so you no longer have to carry all of it around inside of you. That in itself can be very healing. You might also try to have this man write a letter back to you."

 

Fae and KayC, I am done dealing with this man and his company. The boutique was informed of the situation and had time to cancel the order but chose to ignore the situation until it was too late. My uncle is a lawyer with a very strong reputation. He was the former Director of Public Service for our city and is now a private consultant. He is now handling this matter and after reading the owner's last email, my uncle is livid.

 

I guess dealing with all of this wedding drama has helped me redirect my anger at Adam to the vendors who are being heartless or ignoring me. I am just afraid once this is all settled that all of that anger is going to come rushing back at me. I hate it and don't know how to get rid of it. I have been constantly praying about it but I still come back to the fact that Adam knew how bad his condition was before he proposed, he lied to me about it, and refused medical treatment that could have saved his life.



#28 feralfae

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Posted 29 October 2013 - 10:56 AM

My dear Ms.SnowFlake,

 

I think Adam loved you so much that he was hoping your love could heal his heart.  I know Doug hoped my love cold heal his cancer.  I wish it could have done so. I think we get to help heal their spirits, though, and take away some of the fear of leaving, because they know they get to take the love with them.  *<twinkles>*

 

I think anger is a natural and healthy emotion, and it often imprints on our minds important messages.  Your anger is so mixed with grief, feeling betrayed, feeling lost, losing your future — mixed up entirely with everything that has happened—that you are just a hurricane of emotional energy.

 

I am so glad to hear about your uncle being there to help you.  I hope your parish is rallying around you as well.   No one has the right to treat another human the way you have been treated by that company.  No compassion at all.  Be sure you let everyone you know what ilk of people they are to deal with when one is bereft and  grieving.  

 

I am so very sorry for all that you are journeying through right now.  I know how hard it can be.  Please come here often and let us know how you are doing.  

 

Adam loved you.  No matter what else happened, I know you would not have been marrying this man if there was not love between you.  We may never know Adam's reasons, or his hopes, or his fears, but I think we do know he loved you.

Blessings,

*<twinkles>*

fae



#29 MartyT

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Posted 29 October 2013 - 11:09 AM

Dear one, here is another article that you may find helpful. See also the articles listed at the base of the post: Is Anger One of the Stages of Grief?


Marty Tousley, CNS-BC, FT, DCC
Grief Counselor
Email:
tousleym@aol.com
Read Marty's Bio Here


#30 kayc

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Posted 29 October 2013 - 02:50 PM

I know my own George used lapse of judgment but there is no doubt in my mind that he always kept me foremost in his mind and heart and everything he did, he did with me in mind.  I am sure your fiance was the same.  Sometimes what we go through is of such magnatude that it's hard to face, acknowledge, and deal with...hence, denial.  I have tried to extend the same grace to my George as he would have with me.

 

Anger is often a force that fuels change or enables us to deal with something we would otherwise have a difficult time dealing with.

 

I am so glad you have a relative that is an attorney to be reckoned with!


We WILL meet again! ...my Soulmate, my best friend, thru all time




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