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It's The One Year Mark Today.


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This week has been tougher than I expected. I've been constantly on the verge of tears & often allowed them to flow & I unexpectedly threw a major "temper tantrum" last night-I went out & started throwing things in our back yard & screaming [thankfully we don't have neighbors]-I have never gotten mad or frustrated like that at this whole situation before since I always figured what was the point? He was 84, survived a stroke, heart surgeries, was weak but happy & it was time for my little sister who died when she was 4 to finally have him with her... I'm being selfish-I still want him back & I'm mad that I never pushed him to have deeper & more serious conversations with me-I was the youngest girl & he hated talking about that stuff & I know he wanted to protect me. I'm mad because I feel like i"m losing the memories of him. I can still hear his voice, still feel the scratchiness of his cheek from his unshaven cheek that last week int he hospital, feel his hand gripping mine but I can't see him doing all the things he did, only a few distinct ones but stupid. I want to know more about him, more memories.

Thank God for a supportive husband & a couple good friends who came to my office to keep me company for a while when I texted her & told her that "prickly purple pineapple peices" was no longer working to keep the tears at bay while at work. tonight my husband & I met a couple friends for dinner & drinks so I wouldn't be at home so long thinking & then I came home, put on Dad's old jacket I inherited, grabbed a beer [his choice, not mine], & went out to sit on the porch looking at "his" stars. Tomorrow we head "home" to be with Mom, take her out for supper & be with her. One year has gone so quickly yet so slowly. I've rubbed holes in a few photos of him trying to feel his face again. The pain tonight feels as fresh as it did 365 days ago.

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I'm sorry. :( I know it's hard. Your expression is not unusual...the one year mark can be hard.

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Dear LilsAnnB,

I remember vividly the one year anniversary of my Dad leaving, and how I could not stop crying that day, although I was scheduled to speak at a conference. Fortunately, a dear friend filled in for me, while I sat in my hotel room and sobbed. I still miss my dad. He was my superhero and only parent, and he made my life a good one through his kindness, understanding, and protection. I hope he knows how much I love him.

I think the one year mark of our Dad leaving is especially hard: we are all grown up and Dad is no longer going to be there to make things right, to share conversations, or to watch out for us. I am almost 70, and I just wish I had told him more often how much I loved him (he always answered, "I love you more!" when I told him I loved him, which was very nice) and I hope he knows how much he meant to me.

I think everything you did is normal. We must let out the grief when we can.

Blessings to you, dear one, as you make it through this tough anniversary.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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We did make it through. My husband & I went up & took Mom out for supper to one of her & Dad's favorite restaurants where we talked about Dad a little bit. Her having dementia is almost a blessing. She remembered her anniversary the day before but she forgot about what happened that next; she knows Dad is gone but doesn't talk about it, sometimes she thinks he's coming home from one of his trips soon. We didn't bring up his death nor did we visit the cemetary-I actually prefer to go there by myself if I start sobbing as I often do, noone sees me & I can talk to Dad by myself just like we used to: him laying on his stomach on the floor watching tv with me laying on pillows beside him. Afer we took Mom out for supper we went back to her apartment where we ate dessert & had coffee. Mom is at peace & is happy where she is & I"m sure Dad is good with that-when he was alive he worried so much about her & worked so hard to take care of her, he took on even more care of her & never let anyone including us kids realize that. When my husband & I got home I wrapped up in a jacket & gloves & since it was a perfectly clear night full of stars [Thanks Dad!] I sat on the porch drinking a beer, crying. I made a lot of wishes on those stars so he better do his job & help me out here...........

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LisaAnn,

That sounds like a wonderful way to remember your Dad. I love how you are so thoughtful of your Mom's situation. What loving kindness you show her. How perfect that the night was clear and you could wish on the stars. Our Dads are always only a thought away no matter when it is or how long they have been gone from us physically. Peace to you, Anne

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LisaAnn,

I know what you mean, I too have discovered a silver lining to my mom's dementia. It's wonderful that you think of her and try to be there for her. I'm glad you made it through this time...my own mom doesn't remember my dad or my late husband. :( I tell her it's okay, it gives me a chance to tell her about them again, and she smiles.

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Dear LisaAnn,

I am glad the day went so well, and I love that you went outside and made wishes on the stars. I am sure your dad was listening, and I imagine he will help you out. :) Your beautiful heart shows in your kindness and thoughtfulness to your mother. I am sorry she has dementia, but I can also see how sometimes not remembering is easier.

Blessings and Peace to you, dear Heart,

*<twinkles>*

fae

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  • 1 year later...

You know I am sorry to here this, you really never get over a loss,time is a healer,but my Mom never got over her man too, no matter how much I tried to keep her happy TLC too, I know I am not the same person, my friends do worry about me, I can not seem be happy, lived a long time with her, it is now three years, and unless I keep busy, I break down, cry until there is no more tears. God bless you, xx

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