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Trying To Forget


Amy Wamy

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It's been a long while since I last posted in this forum, but I just want to write this because sometimes we wonder if anyone else feels this way.

It's been a week since the fifth anniversary of my Mums passing. Since then, I don't think I've changed as a person very much, but I have found that I'm trying to forget about it. Putting it to the back of my mind and hoping it doesn't appear in a conversation. Is that wrong? I also haven't visited the cemetery since May, but it's not because I find it hard to go there, I suppose I feel that it's not important to. Is that wrong? I've read on here that many people have cried buckets over their losses, but I can say I haven't even filled up half of one over mine.

If you're reading this and wondering whether or not I had a good relationship with my Mum, the answer is I did! I had an enjoyable childhood as I was and am an only child. The memories are vague, but they are there. I now live with my Nan (my Mums mother), and I'm a thankful for her. My Father hasn't spoken to me since I was about 10 (I'm 20 now!). He lives down the road from me with his wife, and it does hurt that he doesn't want anything to do with me (the reason for that is unknown), but I do think there will be a happy ending and we will have a relationship again; it probably won't ever happen.

Does subconsciously wanting to forget about my Mums passing it mean something? Is there a reason it am doing it?

It's odd because in my head I feel as if I've dealt with it, and that it's just time to get on with life. Other times I feel opposite because I don't talk about it and I always feel uncomfortable that it might come up in conversation.

That is all for now. I appreciate you talking the time to read this.

It's such a great forum/website, and I'm glad Marty has kept it going!

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Hi Amy,

As I read your post, it seems to me that you're not really "trying to forget" ~ If that were the case, I doubt that you'd be posting here. You don't sound like someone who is deliberately trying to avoid the reality of your mother's death. Given the developmental tasks with which a person your age is faced (disengaging from parental figures, asserting your independence and beginning to find your own path in life), I suspect what's happening with you is normal. People in your circle, those closer to your age, may not be as familiar with death and loss as you are, based on your experiences with both your parents, and so in that way they do not have that in common with you ~ so it's understandable that you wouldn't feel comfortable bringing up and sharing your thoughts and feelings about those experiences with friends during casual conversations. On the other hand, at times you may feel a need to talk about your mom or share your memories of her with another person, and that is normal, too. That's the way we maintain our connection with loved ones who have died. After all, the fact that your mom has died doesn't change the fact that she is still your mother, and you are still her daughter. Your relationship with her will live inside your mind and heart as long as you choose to keep her memory alive ~ and that happens when you're able to talk about her and share memories of her with someone who knew her well. A part of you may feel bad that you've not found a safe and comfortable way to do this. Are you able to talk about your Mum with your Nan? Is she willing to listen? Could you keep a journal privately and write down some memories of your mum ~ or even write some letters to her, sharing with her spirit what's going on in your life?

I'm not sure how much any of this is troubling you, Amy, but if you feel a need to explore it further, you might consider a session or two with a grief counselor. At the very least, such a person can help you better understand what you're feeling and what if anything you need to do about it.

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I suppose trying isn't the word, but I just feel like I want to forget about it. I don't know why that is.

Talking to my Nan? This may sound absurd to you, but I just don't feel comfortable talking to her about my feelings even though she does ask me from time to time, and my answer is always silent or "I don't know". In the past I have had plenty of opportunities to talk to people about my feelings towards this, but when the time comes, I physically and mentally cannot. I have thought about going to a counsellor, but I can't, and I know I won't be able to talk to them. I prefer it when the person I'm talking with starts the conversation or just talks.

You're completely right when you say "People in your circle, those closer to your age, may not be as familiar with death and loss as you are, based on your experiences with both of your parents, and so in that way, they don't have that in common with you - so it's understandable that wou wouldn't feel comfortable bringing up and sharing your thoughts and feelings about those experiences with friends during casual conversations." That's exactly what it's like for me. The majority of my friends or people I know, have both of their parents, so I envy them slightly.

I've also tried writing in a journal, but that hasn't worked for me, and as for the letters, I would feel a bit silly doing that because I'll know that the person won't actually read it, and then I would worry that someone will see what I've written which is silly I know.

Thank you for replying!

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Amy, my dear, when you write (or talk) to someone who has died, whether the person can read what you write or hear what you say is really beside the point. The purpose of the exercise is to get out and express whatever it is you need or want to say. Sometimes you won't even know what that is until you think about it for a while and then see it written down. As for protecting your privacy, I'm sure you could think of a way to disguise a file on your computer where you could keep such writings safe.

You say that although you've thought about it, you can't see a counselor. I'm not sure why that is, unless it's simply a choice you are making for yourself. As a counselor myself, I can assure you that most grief counselors are quite skilled at listening and at helping you feel comfortable enough and safe enough to share whatever is on your mind. You might find this article helpful: Are You Reluctant to Seek Counseling for Grief?

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You know, I really don't have anything to say. That's why I feel I don't need counselling because there's nothing I need to let out.

I suppose it's almost some sort of fear I have of talking about my feelings, is that silly?

Can I ask you what your thoughts about what I've told you are?

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Amy, dear, I'm not suggesting that you "need" counseling. I don't see grief counseling as something a person "needs." Rather, I see it as a gift you can give yourself. Because you've started this thread, it seems to me that you're at least a bit concerned about how you're responding to your mum's death, and you're searching for some answers. You say there is nothing you need to let out, yet at the same time you're afraid to talk about whatever it is you're feeling. That tells me that you may have some unexpressed reactions to your mum's death that you're not even aware of. You seem to be conflicted over whether to keep those reactions buried or to let them see the light of day so you can deal with them. Still, from a distance, I can only guess, and I certainly do not mean to alarm you. You've asked for my thoughts, so that is why I'm sharing with you what I think. My concern stems from the sincere belief that unexamined grief does not "go" anywhere; it simply lies there waiting patiently for us to look at it and deal with it ~ but the good news is that it's never too late to do that. To get some idea of what I mean, I invite you to read Voices of Experience: Delayed Grief

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Well I say afraid because I presume I am. If I wasn't then I think I would be able to talk. I've been told that I've always been a "closed book", I'm probably hopeless! (Not really, but that's what it's like. )

I've had many people say to me that they are there if I need them, but I just feel it's been a long time since it happened and that they don't want to hear about it. They haven't said that to me but again, that's what I feel.

That blog post was a very interesting read, thank you for suggesting it!

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  • 3 weeks later...

If you take people at their word and assume they DO mean what they say, and act accordingly, what's the worst thing that could happen? That they'd hear something they didn't want to? That would be on them for saying they're there for you and not meaning it. But I don't think that's the case for most people, I think most people MEAN it when they say they're there for you, often they just don't know what to say or do so they need to take their cue from YOU.

When my husband passed away, I felt some of my power go with his death, after all, no one asked ME if I wanted him to die! Something tremendously hard happened without my consent, and that made me feel I'd lost some of the control in my life. When I express myself, I feel it lends some of that power back to me. This forum has been so important to me because it's been that safe place I can come to and be heard. My family doesn't mind hearing about George either, they know I've never forgotten him, not one iota, and they know he's just as important to me as he was when he was alive. And it's been 8 1/2 years three days ago.

It's good to let it out.

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  • 11 months later...

Seeing a counselor has been a good move several times in my life. They just facilitate you to find the answers you have in yourself; it really is not all that threatening.

I've heard the most important aspect of counseling is that you feel comfortable and like the counselor, that it's a good fit.

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