Crossroad

[Crossroads]

Today I find myself ten years after the death of my husband Donald at a crossroads. The signs at the crossroads reads, Past and Present. My past leads me down memory lane where I spent over twenty years with my late husband, Donald. The present is my life with my current husband, Willie. Two very different individuals. Two very different lives.

Although I have rebuilt my life for the past 9 years with Willie..I3 years dating as he also worked through the grief of losing his wife and raising a 13 year old daughter without her, I have never disconnected from my attachment to "Donald Ducky". He makes me smile even today. Last night I wrote in blog a post, "Ten Years and Counting". It helps to write andt share my thoughts with others. In 2011, I published a collection of memories and tools that helped me through the grieving period, "Joy Comes Through the Mourning". In 2011, Willie and I attempted to start a ministry at our church called "Crossroads". We both are trained counselors. He secular and I am a biblical counselor. Unfortunately, it did not take off the way we had hoped. The individuals who attended are still in touch with us. We even got a thank you, because two of the attendee just recently started dating. We did not intend for our ministry to be a dating service. It was to be a resource where we could all share and reach out.

My question to you. Where are you in your tranformation process? Have you been able to rebuild a life that brings you joy? Have you given yourself permission to move on, yet hold on to the wonderful memories of your previous relationship. I find that my life is fuller, because Willie and I include our late loved in our lives.

[nats]

Hello Crossroads,

Welcome and Thank You for posting...This is a topic I don't think gets much discussion because I think people are hesitant, as I'm sure you know as a

counselor... many grieving spouses have no desire to make a transformation into a life with another person, others want to but do not know how to start, some have and failed not do to there fault, but because of the person they made that new bond with had issues with the deceased spouse's memories and the fact our grief never leaves us and then we have those who don't want to because they do not want to face the monster of grief again.

I myself have chosen to face that monster again and I already know it will trigger my grief 10 fold for Ruth as I grieve again, you know that was in fact the very first question Brenda asked me when I kissed her for the first time...are you ready for this?...What I asked? She said are you willing to grieve again? What do you mean I asked...she said you know one of us will have to grieve again if we take this journey, we won't both pass at the same time! (Brenda is a widow 6 months ahead of me) WOW what a question after a romantic kiss, needless to say it stopped me cold for Oh I'd say for about...2 minutes and I said Yes! I have to much love left to share with someone not to take the step...and when and if the grief monster is in my life again I'll deal with that then...

Now where we are...we are 4 years into our journey and delightfully happy, she is thinking of moving in and we've discussed marriage, we are both very independent so we have spoken about potential conflicts, but I have a 4 bedroom house so we can have his and hers personal space.

Both of us being grieving spouses has indeed allowed our relationship to grow on a level I've never been on before, the discussion of our spouses brings us closer, the understanding of those down feeling days are brightened by one of us saying "smile, go with the flow" and we accept each others feelings regarding our spouses.

I would agree with you our lives are fuller as well because we also allow "our late loved ones in our lives."

We are both very Happy and living life like we've never lived before.

May Peace Be With You and Continued Happiness

NATS

[kayc]

"This is a topic I don't think gets much discussion because I think people are hesitant, as I'm sure you know as a

counselor... many grieving spouses have no desire to make a transformation into a life with another person, others want to but do not know how to start, some have and failed not do to there fault, but because of the person they made that new bond with had issues with the deceased spouse's memories and the fact our grief never leaves us and then we have those who don't want to because they do not want to face the monster of grief again."

That pretty much sums it up!

I am one that tried to rebuild my life with someone and it didn't work out. I have gotten used to my life being alone and am okay with it. I don't have joy like I did with George, but I have learned to appreciate the little joys. I've learned so much on this site, as we have walked our journeys, side by side. It's been 8 1/2 years since my husband passed.

[MartyT]

[This thread has been moved, as we believe it fits better in the New Beginnings forum.]

[Crossroads]

I am so happy that my discussion about starting over has found a home. Unless a person has been through a death of a life partner, they do not understand the hesitation to begin a life with someone new, or even to live a singular solitary life.

After Donald's death, I didn't know if I wanted to be in another marriage. I believe it had alot to do with the desire not to go through the grieving process all over again. Not just the grieving process, but also the difficult caregiving process. It was difficult as our marriage transformed from a healthy vibrant lifestyle traveling and enjoying our holidays together to a lifestyle where our days were spent in treatment, overnight stays at hospitals and visits to the doctors for updates. These holidays transformed from "Holi-days" into "Holy-days". Days in which we spent alot of time praying; sacred days of promising God we would do better.

In January 2004, I found myself at the "crossroads" of my life. I had to leave the home that I shared with Donald for 20 years because it was deemed unhealthy. We had water damage and the apartment managers moved me to another apartment in the same complex. I was forced to examine his belongings and decide what I would and would not take with me as I prepared to move on with my life. That life changing experience I believe helped me to recognize and accept that life continues on despite my deep sense of loss. I felt that I was betraying him as I gave away or discarded his belongings. I was forced to make decisions I didn't want to make, nevertheless they were decisions I needed to make. I am thankful for my church family, which consisted of a small outreach ministry at the time for providing the spiritual support that I needed.

I wonder how long it was for you before you accepted that you had to move on? Or, are you still struggling with that reality?

Deborah

[kayc]

I don't feel I've "moved on" as in leaving him behind, but have had to choose to find my new normal, as I've heard it put. Life HAS changed, greatly! I've had to learn to live alone, to accept and be content with that. I've had to learn to figure out how to get things done that he used to do. I've had to learn to live on half the income. I've had to learn to make decisions about my life, when I lost a job, and again, and even things as simple as deciding to get a new dog after my former one passed. Decisions about retirements, money, etc. If you call all of that "moving on", then I've done that, but I choose to just call it living. This is my life now.

Life is full of phases and change. Kids grow up and leave home. They get married and move away, get busy with their own lives. Spouses can die and leave us alone to make all of the decisions...alone to figure out what to do about holidays, weekends, etc. The good part is in knowing that we can and do handle these decisions and we ARE living our lives, whereas when this first happened, we didn't see how we could/would. We've done a lot we didn't know we could.

I don't think re-homing some of their possessions is a betrayal at all. My George was very caring and would have given the shirt off his back to anyone who needed it. I think about what he would have wanted me to do with his things, and have acted accordingly. Not a betrayal at all, but a tribute to his wishes. I don't think they'd want us to have a shrine to things that they no longer need. Sure, I've kept some of the things that most remind me of him...his fishing hat and vest, his robe, his pocket knife. But most of his clothes, his wallet, his shaving kit, I gave them to those who could use them....to Sponsors (an organization dedicated to inmates transitioning back to society, they have nothing when they get out).