Compounding Grief

[Who8910]

I'm not sure where to post this exactly, because altogether it's about the loss of more than one loved one, but because the most recent loss is of a pet I think it would fit here. On the 21st I lost one of my dearest companions and family members, a sharpei-pug mix named Baby(nicknamed Pumpkin by my fiancee). She was somewhere between 16 or 17 years old, and as far as we can tell died peacefully in her sleep lying in one of her favorite spots on the floor. It was a perfectly normal day and she hadn't been acting any differently, she had no serious health problems we were aware of. My fiancee and I had gone out to a Christmas party and when we returned later that evening I found her while getting dinner for our two other dogs. The loss of any pet or human family member is difficult, but due to my past experience with the subject I feel like it's all combining to make things even worse.

For a little history(or a lot of history), I was raised by my grandparents since I was 3 and still live in the same house. Originally I had a cat(a siamese-persian mix named Paris), raised from a kitten who was my first real pet. We grew up together. Later in his life my grandparents got a puppy from one of our local pet stores, a sharpei named Snuffles. The two never really got along very well. Five years into our life with Snuffles tragedy struck. One day while he was running around circles inside the house(we have an island kitchen in the middle of a living room next to another front room, and this was one of his favorite things to do which he did very often) he hit his head on a corner of a table and the force of the blow or angle was enough to kill him. We were all devastated, but especially my grandpa. He couldn't stand the grief, and not more than two weeks later we went to the same pet store and met a new puppy who we took home, our Baby dog(she and my cat still didn't get along). Some time after that, I don't even remember how long anymore, I lost Paris to a thyroid disease and old age. He had been taking medicine for it for a while but it was his time to go, and my grandma and I went to the vet to have him euthanized. He was around 18. Fast forwarding a little more my grandparents decided to get a new puppy for my grandma from the same pet store Snuffles and Baby came from, a golden lab we named Dusty. Though I never really voiced my opinion I had been against the idea. Having so recently lost two pets part of me felt this would only mean having to experience the pain and grief again someday, but I loved him all the same. Dusty and Baby grew up together and were a dynamic duo.

Fast forward again to 2002 and we're dealing with humans now. My grandma, during what was an otherwise normal day and who was in good health, suffered from a stroke. She was rushed to the hospital where my grandpa and I were told there was a blood clot in her brain and she needed surgery that was supposed to have a high success rate. He agreed and we went home after, only to be called back in later that night because something had gone wrong. We spent the rest of that night in the hospital waiting for my aunts, uncle, and mother to arrive, so my grandma could be taken off of life support and we could let her go. I had always been closer to my grandma than my grandpa, but for the next year we grew closer than ever. We went to grief counseling together, but I was there more often to support him than to relieve my own pain. Within that time frame my grandpa on my father's side of the family had become ill and was lost to a blood disease IN 2003. Going back momentarily instead of forward, I lost my father to suicide when I was 3. Something that I was too young to remember experiencing, but now that I'm older still sometimes gives me grief. Forward again another six months in 2004 and my grandpa, with some health complications of his own, had to go to the hospital. All of this was something he was able to overcome though, and he spent a month at a rehab facility to get better. After he came home again everything looked like it was going to be ok. A little over a week later I woke up late, he usually woke me up earlier in the day, and found him lying in his bed having passed sometime in the night. His death was officially attributed to health issues he had been dealing with for years, but I personally think it may have been due to mixing medication or an overdose. Not something he did on purpose, but on accident. When he came home he was ready to live again. He had talked about wanting to travel and living a more healthy lifestyle. He was 67 and my grandma 65. My other grandpa was 72. My father 22.

Fast forwarding several years more through family/life drama and back to the near present and I'm living with my now fiancee in the same home I've always had, the one my grandparents left to me when they died. A few years ago we got a third dog, a husky lab mix named Miska. There was a lot of adjusting in the beginning but he, Baby, and Dusty became great companions and he is a welcome addition to our family(though he can be a bit of a bully sometimes toward Dusty). When we got him he was a little over a year old, and his high energy has sometimes been difficult for the other two, but at the same time helped give them new life. In a house of two dogs, Baby has always been the boss, and that did not change when a third was introduced(despite her being somewhat smaller than the other two).

Last year around this same time she had been acting like she was having difficulty getting around and couldn't hold her bladder anymore when she slept. I was so terrified it was going to be her time. I took her to the vet, who after running multiple tests said that she was remarkably healthy for her age and nothing out of the ordinary was wrong. She was given medication for the bladder issue and everything was fine. Back to the present, now the three have become two. I sit here on Christmas Eve, in more pain than I ever have been before. I mourn for my Baby dog, for all the loved ones in my life I've lost. I'm sad and worried for Dusty, who's the same age as Baby and is now missing one of his lifelong friends. And for Miska whose daily routines have changed so much without her. And for my fiancee who never had a pet before, but adopted Dusty and Baby as her own and now has to deal with this loss as well. I'm also afraid for the future, knowing that this will not be the last time it happens. I've been here before, I know it can get better. But it hurts so much right now and doesn't feel like it will.

On a small side note not entirely unrelated, I was laid off from a job of 3 1/2 years just before Thanksgiving and have yet to find another. So I'm sure that's adding to my emotional baggage right now as well. Thank you anyone who takes the time to read my story here. I hope putting everything out there will help start the healing process. I've read some of the other threads posted here and I feel for you all as well.

[mfh]

I have read your story and I am so sorry for your most recent loss of Baby and certainly your long history of significant losses of people as well as pets. I am glad you took the time to tell so much of your story and please know that you found a very good place to be. People here will understand and be compassionate and we will listen. You are in the right place and we will welcome you whenever it feels right for you to post. To be unemployed right now is yet another loss and I am sure the hunt for a job is a challenge right now.

Other members will be coming on and lending their support as well as their ears and heart to listen. In the meantime you might go to www.griefhealing.com and locate the blog at that site (scroll down a bit to the horizontal bar and click on blog) as it will have many articles on pet loss as well as loss of significant people in your life.

I will check in later as will others. Telling our stories is so helpful and gaining the support of understanding people is also. You will find room for both here.

Peace,

Mary

[kayc]

Hi, I'm sorry I wasn't on line yesterday to respond to you sooner.

I'm very sorry for the loss of your dog, both to you and your fiance and your remaining dogs. It's not uncommon for loss to stir up the grief with other losses...rather than go away, they seem to compound. I have learned that the human spirit is rather resilient...grief sends it spinning, but we somehow learn to cope and adjust, little by little, albeit painfully and gradually. One of the risks of loving and opening our hearts, whether it be to dogs or humans, is the risk of loss. I lost my husband 8 1/2 years ago and that was by far the hardest loss I've endured, although my dogs and cats have been very hard too. I lost my father 31 years ago, a niece, nephew, MIL, and even now anticipate losing my mom probably in the next year, although with Dementia and Leukemia, it's hard to tell.

One thing I've realized is that I would not change anything with those that I have loved. I've heard it said it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I have found that to be true, I cannot imagine life without any one of those in it. Right now I am extremely close to my Arlie, my dog, and when his time comes, I will feel inconsolable...but I will have to get through it because I have no choice. It is the price for having had him in my life. Death is a part of the cycle of life...sometimes welcome, more often than not, very difficult.

Thinking of and saying a prayer for you this Christmas Day as your heart is heavy with the pain of missing your beloved companion of many years.

[steph.ny]

My heart truly goes out to you. I care about how you feel and am very sorry you had to suffer so much. If you can find a counselor who can help you with the grief you carry, you will be one lucky lady. Make sure you make very clear to them that part of your grief is pet loss and you need to confirm with them early on that you need someone who can understand and help you with those losses and not just human losses.

[Who8910]

Thank you Mary, Kayc, and Steph.ny for your responses. I'm sorry my return here has been so delayed. I think it's mostly because I've been attempting to avoid the grief, and I knew if I returned to this post it would definitely surface again. Not that it hasn't in multiple other ways already. I feel like there has been some progress in healing, but it's still very difficult for me to talk about or think about. It's been a little over 6 months since losing Baby dog and I miss her terribly. To make things even worse I may soon have to make some very hard decisions regarding Dusty.

I had to take him to the vet recently because he developed a lump on his lower lip and has been having trouble with his back legs working properly. They recommended surgery to get rid of the lump, which he had yesterday and is now recovering from, but it turns out he's got some degenerative joint disease and possibly liver disease(they won't know for sure without further tests). From what I understand these are things that can be treated but not completely fixed, and even with treatment there's no guarantee of any major improvement. I feel like it's almost inevitable now that I'm going to have to make the decision to continue trying to help him or to let him go, and I don't know what would be best or even possible considering a lack of finances. Up until yesterday he still seemed like he had so much life in him. He still runs and jumps, or at least hops, when it's time for food. Still gets up whenever I move to see where I'm going. For the most part still acts like the big dumb lab he's always been to me. I'm attributing his sudden lack of energy to the surgery and I'm hopeful he'll improve more over the next couple days, but knowing what's ahead it's so hard for me to see him this way. I also found out he's not quite as old as I thought. I wanted to be able to give the vet an accurate age, so I dug out his original papers from the pet store my grandparents got him from which I recently rediscovered. He's still old for his breed, having turned 13 in May. But not the 15 or 16 I previously thought. This means Baby was younger too, since they were at most only two years apart in age, a fact that it makes it harder for me to accept she had a natural passing.

[mfh]

There is no escaping grief even though it feels like a good option at times. The best thing is to own your pain...journal, share it here, talk to friends who might listen...you will know what to do once you decide that it is best to deal with the grief. I am so sorry Dusty is also having troubles. I would think the energy drop might be related to fatigue of surgery as well as the drugs used. It takes a while to get those out of their system...just as it does for us. Again, i am so sorry. I do know that threat of loss and loss itself...too well as I learned yesterday my dog has lymphoma...and I know how difficult it is to know what to do. One thing I know for sure is that I won't keep Bentley alive for my sake. I will treat as long as it is comforting to him, palliative. I am also hoping that is a ways off in time as this cancer is supposedly slow growing. I think you will know what to do when the time comes...just one day at a time...that is the only way and let the pet tell you what it needs. They do tell us.

[kayc]

What Mary says is true, if one puts off pain/grief, it's still waiting for you to deal with, there is no true avoidance, eventually we have to come back to it.

I'm sorry to hear you are in this position with your other dog, it is very hard and part of the price we pay for loving our furbabies. I do hope you get some help from a grief counselor.