Both Parents Gone

[Iona]

Hello,

I don't know what to do.

My mum died suddenly last week on 4 February from a brain haemorrhage I came home from work the night before and found her collapsed on the floor. She was rushed to our nearest hospital where a scan showed a serious bleed on the brain. My sister raced over from the other side of the country and a friend came down to be with me til my sister arrived. It was all just horrendous especially as all I could think about was my Dad who had died 11 weeks earlier in the same hospital.

Staff made her as comfortable as possible but she was not responding to anything and we were told to more or less expect the worst.

We decided to go home and said we would be back in the morning. Nurses told her she could probably hear us so we kissed her goodnight and said we would be back at 9am. We weren't and she died at 9.45am.

I feel so guilty we did not go back especially as my sister wondered out loud if she was hanging on for us to get there. This thought is killing me.

I also feel so sad because my mum was my dad's carer and he was a lot of work. When he died in November 2013 I was upset but I was also relieved that my mum was now free of all that and could perhaps start to enjoy having time to herself to do the things she wanted to do.

She had just 11 weeks without him. It just seems so unfair.

I moved back home temporarily to help my mum with my dad and now I am alone in this house with reminders of both of them everywhere. At the same time I don't want to be away from the house.

I can't seem to stop crying and thinking about my Dad and how I didn't mourn him as I should when he died and my Mum. I was much closer to my Mum and her death just seems like a cruel joke right now.

As well as feeling guilty and sad and teary I am scared of what happens now. I can't think about going back to work or sorting out their things.It is taking me so long to get up and dressed and do anything.

I miss her so much.

Thank you for reading this.

[kayc]

I am so so sorry, for both of your losses. Loss of a parent, particularly when it's the last parent left, is a huge adjustment. It's understandable that it's hard for you to think about what you have to do, when it takes all you can muster just to breathe another day. Do you have a deadline when you have to be back at work? I'd recommend getting a grief counselor to help you through this maze of emotion. They're trained to guide you through your grief journey and are helpful with pointing things out that aid us in our journey. In a few months you might consider a support group as well, but a counselor would let you know when they think you'd most benefit from that.

Do you have a deadline as to when you have to have the house sorted out? If not, I wouldn't worry about it yet. Enough to think of what you have to do TODAY...eat right, drink plenty of fluid, get some exercise, take care of yourself, that is the best gift you can give yourself to help you through this process.

For now, it does help to express yourself, and this place is a start for that.

It's common to feel guilt after losing a loved one. The truth is, none of us are perfect at everything and we think later on how we should have done this or that differently. Honestly, your mom probably was not aware of the time since she wasn't responsive, probably was on medication, etc. If you have any questions about how the last hour of her life went, why not ask her attending nurse? He/she would be able to let you know if she was awake, alert, etc.

I'm sure someone will come on soon and post some links to help you with your feelings of guilt, etc.

As for your mom not getting time to enjoy herself, I wish it were only that easy. I lost my husband 8 1/2 years ago and any enjoyment in life is a struggle because it's just not the same without him. Ask any of those of loss of spouse section and they'll tell you the same. It would have been easier for me if I could have gone with him. Even though she was his caregiver, and that is a tough role, she would have missed him unbearably, and death was undoubtedly a release for her because of that. Her concern would have been leaving her kids behind, and knowing you would be okay (eventually) would be a relief to her. It does not feel like it will ever be okay today, but with effort you will find a way to go on...it probably won't feel that way for a while though.

It's good to cry, you have a lot to cry for. The loss of your mom has stirred up the feelings with the loss of your dad and now you have the two of them to mourn. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

[enna]

Dear Iona,

I am so very sorry about the sudden death of your mum after just losing your Dad. Please accept my deepest sympathy and know that I hear you and am here to listen whenever you come to this forum.

I am glad that you have your sister with you. Right now you are both in shock and rightfully so. Please take care of yourselves by resting, eating, and drinking plenty of water. This will help you as you move through your grief journey. Allow those tears to flow and I hope you will be able to take time off of work for a while.

Others here will have things to say. I just want you to know that you are in my heart.

Anne

[mfh]

Dear Iona,

I am so very sorry about the loss of both of your parents and within such a short amount of time. I know you have to feel totally overwhelmed and exhausted. As Kay said to you, taking care of yourself right now is most important...and admittedly a challenge. Your energy is probably pretty depleted and you have to feel just lost not knowing what to do next.

I agree with Kay, if you can let the house be for a long while, let it be. Some people run in and start sorting things but in reality there is no hurry. My husband died 4 years ago and I have little by little taken care of his things and am still less than half way there.

I do think with two significant losses so close together that you would be wise to seek out the assistance of a trained grief counselor. I do not know where you live but check to see if there is a Hospice within reasonable distance as they can advise you about that. They will probably also offer support groups for you down the road a bit. We all need help in this journey. All of us. I hope your sister is able to stay for a while so the two of you can share and talk and support each other.

I am glad you came to join us here. I am also sad that life has thrown so much pain and loss at you. You will find much comfort and support from all the members. We all know loss very well and we support each other in our individual journeys.

Mary

[MartyT]

My dear Iona, I'm so sorry. Losing a parent to death is painful enough, but for both your parents to die so close together is unthinkable.

I don't want to overwhelm you with too much information too soon, and I hope you're able to take in the sound advice that others here have shared with you already ~ I know it's difficult to focus and to concentrate when you've been hit with so much loss all at once.

Still, when you're in the mood to do some reading, I'm hoping you will find this post helpful (including the articles listed at its base):

Guilt in the Wake of a Mother's Death

[Guest]

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[mfh]

Dear Kirbiboh,

I am just reaching out to see how you are doing. I went back and reread your posts and noticed you were thinking of seeing a counselor and wondered if you are doing that. I do hope so as it is so very helpful to have a person you can open up to, as well as share and process.

Mary

[Guest]

deleted

[mfh]

Dear Kirbiboh,

I have confidence that a good trained grief counselor will be helpful to you. As much as your mom cares and loves you, she is not trained I assume in grief counseling. She can support you, love you, hug you and a grief counselor can help you with other feelings as you go through this. I did not think I would ever ever heal after losing Bill, my husband. It took a lot of work, reading, education, crying, sharing, asking for help and more but I am in a good place now. Do I still cry...yes but I rarely wail and tears come far less often. Bill was my best friend, advisor, confidant, lover, colleague and more. We do learn and as impossible as that sounds to you with good guidance and some work on your part, you can heal. You will always miss him and I do not think grief ever goes away entirely but the gut wrenching pain does lift. Please do give counseling a shot. Call Hospice and get some direction for your self. You are NOT a lost cause. Though I understand your saying that as I felt that way once also. Mary