Am I Just Stuck In This Grief?

[LisaAnnB]

It's been a while since I've been on here. It's been 16 months since Dad passed away & on Valentine's day it was the 2 yr mark since my best friend left us all. I have continued to struggle & fight this grief thing including taking a mild anti depressant & now taking more of the anti anxiety pills as I have had even more periods of anxiety. I have had HORRIBLE STRESS with my job, planning my daughter's July wedding, some volunteer activities even. Next week I'm finally going to start the process of seeing a therapist-I've been using my husband's shoulders to cry on long enough & last week I felt I was having a melt down. I know a lot of the depression can be attributed to the winter weather & no sun & horrible temps, etc. BUT

Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck missing Dad & Donna. Not a day goes by I don't think of Dad at least especially as the wedding gets closer & we're reminded that my Dad always told my daughter he couldn't wait to dance with her on her special day. I have started wondering if something happened to my spiritual side with these losses. I have forced myself to go to church exactly twice [besides a couple funerals] since Dad's funeral & my heart feels hard or empty when I think of God-is that possible? I so want to be open to all that again but it's like that side is gone. Does that make any sense? I see people's pictures and posts on facebook about loving God & all these great things & I don't feel any of that! I used to I know.

Also, can physical belongings tie you to the grief? If so, what happens if you get rid of them. As I type this I'm looking at 2 pictures on my wall that I bought during a road trip with my best friend. Each time I see them some great memories of her come back at the same time that I tear up. My husband & I both want to change the decor in this room & those things wont' look good when we do but I hate to toss them. I don't find them that attractive any more but besides a couple small photos of her & my memories they are the ONLY thing I have of her left. I'm afraid if I give them away I'll have nothing to remind me of her even as I know I get a bit sad sometimes seeing them. I was ok getting rid of a lot of Dad's things because I have so many other things-like my Daughter's smile or even just my Mom to keep memories of him alive. With Donnna I don't - a few photos. Is it ok if I take these pictures down? Will I still have her?

[kayc]

I'm sorry you're still going through it, but it's not surprising. There just isn't a quick fix to grief, it takes so much time and effort to adjust to the changes that come with it.

I don't think physical things necessarily tie us to the person, but they do serve as physical reminders of them. Some people find comfort in having pictures up, others can't handle looking at them and take them down...I have done both. Feeling as you do, I would take the picture down, perhaps remove it from it's frame and store it with your other photos, it's a piece of paper, it won't take up much room, that way you can pull it out and look at it whenever you want.

Your feelings are totally normal. It's common to feel spiritually challenged following a loss. I felt that way, but I found my underlying faith was still there, I just didn't feel anything. It will return in time. Try to keep forcing yourself to go to church, I'm sure it'll be better between you and God soon. "Fake it until you make it" as they say. What I found was I felt God was far far away...after all, I was praying for my husband when he died. But after time, I began to realize that God was there all the time, it's just that grief really takes it's toll. I mean we are so messed up from it, it's like it jars your brain, you're reeling, it impacts every aspect of your life, your identity needs reestablished, you have to adjust to so much! It's no wonder everything feels out of kelter.

I'm glad you're going to see a therapist...a grief counselor could be of immense help. Also, have you considered going to a grief support group? It might help to have others that know what you're going through.

[mfh]

Dear LisaAnn,

You said the following in your post and I think it contains your answer. You said, "I have continued to struggle & fight this grief thing". I think fighting grief serves to make it worse and prolong it. Choosing to allow your pain and your feelings; to journal, to share here perhaps or in a grief support group, to allow yourself to have the treasures that remind you of those you love....means you are flowing with the grief rather than fighting it. The harder we fight it, I believe the harder it gets. It slows down the healing.

Pictures and treasures can be wonderful to have and though they may trigger pain sometimes if you are not fighting your pain, your pain will eventually not be so threatening and you will know and believe that you are in charge of it rather than it being in charge of you. I ahve pictures of my husband Bill who died almost 4 years ago....and initially early on, seeing them was difficult but also a reminder of all we were blessed to have. On a bad day, they still might trigger pain but that is ok. Would we feel bad if they triggered joy? Both feelings are ok.

I am glad you are going to see a therapist...hopefully a trained grief counselor...who will help you through this and feel like you are healing. Healing does not mean a total lack of pain but it does mean you carry it with greater ease and integrate it into your life. The way through grief is through it. Your grief counselor will help you and coming here to share those feelings could also be helpful....It feels like you are trying to outrun your grief instead of walking WITH it. I wish you peace and healing and applaud your decision to see a grief counselor.

[LisaAnnB]

Our local grief support group is run by a woman with whom I have many issues with including her lack of confidentiality even though she is a trained hospice/medial professional. It helps to come here where I know it's safe. There is so much other stress in my life that that is hurting the healing process as well. I mentioned to someone recently that I came back to work the day after Dad's funeral & tried to continue at work like nothing had happened because my boss/co-worker [only a 2 member staff of a non-profit organization] was giving me no support or assistance & the person I mentioned it to was a bit shocked & said no wonder I'm still a bit messed up.

[kayc]

By law you were entitled to family leave, and although not paid for, sometimes it's helpful to take it. I am sorry your boss was so insensitive and unsupportive, a lot of times, if people haven't experienced it themselves, they just don't know.

Perhaps you could attend the grief support group just to hear what others share, even if you choose not to yourself (in light of the leader's lack of confidentiality). Have you tried talking to her about It?