Doris Ann Posted March 18, 2014 Report Share Posted March 18, 2014 When my mom said I feel a lump back in January 2010. My world stopped!!! What? Why? Not her!!! I knew in my heart what it could be. I had hope that it was nothing. But, I was wrong!! My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer at 69 years old. Wow!!! No one had that type of cancer. I held her hand as she got her chemo treatments. It was the hardest thing I had ever done. We both cried together and prayed she would ok. But, life made another wrong turn and she was diagnosed with liver cancer and chemo was not working anymore in February 2011. She was sent home on hospice. Throughout her journey I never left her side. When her time came I was home alone and I was struck by a wind that went right thru me and her scent lingered on all day. At that moment. I knew she was gone. I didn't go see her at home where she passed. I wanted to remember her happy and dancing. As time goes by I regret that decision because our circle is not complete. It's been two years and I feel like I let her down when she needed me at her final moment. I don't know what to do. Other than to ask for support. My heart is hurting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted March 18, 2014 Report Share Posted March 18, 2014 I am so very sorry for your loss, Doris Ann. What love you have for her and the beautiful message she gave you when you felt that wind and her scent surround you. She knows how much you loved her. Regret is a normal feeling when we have lost someone we love. There are others here who will point you in the direction of readings that may help with your feelings. This is a good place to start for those of us here listen and understand the pain you are going through. Again, I am so sorry you lost such an important person in your life - your mom. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 18, 2014 Report Share Posted March 18, 2014 Doris Ann, we are here for you. I doubt there is one of us here that did not have regrets or guilt when our beloved one died. I know I did. It is so clear to me that you and your mom are deeply connected and always will be. I do not want to take your pain away or say something that is a in appropriate attempt to tell you what to feel and not feel. Your pain is yours and you will over time work your way through it and we are all here to help you do that by listening and caring. I also need to say that it surely feels like you and your mom were together spiritually when she died. I can tell you that when my husband Bill died 4 years ago, I felt more guilt than I had ever felt in my life about anything. I felt I failed him even as I devoted myself to his care for 5 years through Alzheimer's. I also realized that my self blame was actually getting in the way of feeling my deep grief and in letting go of the guilt over time, I was able to truly grieve my loss. I finally worked through the regrets/guilt for the most part and realized I did the best I could do at the time including my decisions and that Bill is/was not judging me at all. I was judging me. We will help you and hug you as you walk through this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doris Ann Posted March 18, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 18, 2014 Omg!!!! Thru tears I say this. Thank you thank you for not judging me. Everyone has told me. It's time to move on. Time has passed. But they never address my pain. I was her provider and I did it with my heart in my hand. I fell apart when they accused me of getting paid. How could I. I did it with love. I feel that with y'all help I can do this one day at a time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 18, 2014 Report Share Posted March 18, 2014 You can and you will and there is no timeline on grief. It takes as long as it takes as we walk through the pain. We are here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doris Ann Posted March 18, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 18, 2014 Thank you!! This is my mom. She passed away on July 25, 2011. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 18, 2014 Report Share Posted March 18, 2014 A warm smile and a great red hat. I still miss my mom who died 8 years ago. Grief does not end, we just get better at carrying it and it loses it sharp edge. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doris Ann Posted March 19, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 19, 2014 I'm sorry for your loss as well. I'm so glad I found this group and for all the support I will get. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 19, 2014 Report Share Posted March 19, 2014 Doris Ann, I see you mom's smile in your face. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband nearly nine years ago, but my mom I have been slowly losing to Dementia the last few years. With my husband I have no regrets but wish I could have been at his side when he died...the hospital forcibly made me leave when he had his heart attack so they could work on him. I guess they do that to "spare us", but I wish I could have been there as my husband was ushered into the next life...we never did anything alone but always were by each other's side. I guess we don't get to decide how everything goes, and even if we could, we would sometimes make mistakes, but the truth is we had good relationships and loved to the fullest while they were alive...you with your mom, me with my husband. Welcome to our group, I hope you will feel comfortable posting here any time you feel inclined. Your mom had a lovely smile. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doris Ann Posted March 19, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 19, 2014 Thank you so much. It makes me sad that you were not by your husbands side when he passed. I know how you feel. I was not holding my moms hand at the end of her journey and I wish I had been. I think that is what is making it so hard to let go. The guilt I carry. Your mom is still with you and I know every day is a challenge for you. But you are together. Even though every day is a challenge for me. I'll be here for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted March 19, 2014 Report Share Posted March 19, 2014 Your mom is a beautiful 'red' hat lady, Doris Ann. It is good to have you here sharing your journey with us. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 19, 2014 Report Share Posted March 19, 2014 Doris Ann When my mom died 8 years ago, I spent the night with her at the hospital. She had been semi-comatose for two weeks. I left as my sister was going to relieve me so I could sleep and come back. (We also had my brother in another hospital having had two emergency eye surgeries-Bill was monitoring him). My mom died about 40 minutes after I left. My sister was there but I was not. I understand that feeling. I also believe that it may not be an accident that we are not present for a loved one's death. When one of my closest friends died in 1989, her kids and husband and SIL and DIL took turns for the last week. The DIL was a new member of the family and she was one duty and raced down the hall to use the bathroom and Barbara died in the three minute window. The only time Barbara was not alone in all that time. I think it is purposeful on the part of the dying...maybe because it is too hard to leave when one of us is there or maybe the dying think it best for family. I do not know but it happens often. We will never know but I don't think we can leap to the conclusion that we "should have been there". We want to but I wonder sometimes if we "should". Just a thought. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doris Ann Posted March 19, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 19, 2014 You are so right. But, for me having been there would've closed a circle. We started this journey together and now I feel lost. I want my mommy back!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 19, 2014 Report Share Posted March 19, 2014 I know, there are some people we'll never stop missing. My mom is sometimes here, sometimes not...times she doesn't know me or anyone and is really out of it. That's what's so hard about Dementia, it's like you lose them all the time and never know if or when they'll be back, a very uncertain waiting game. Have you tried writing your mom a letter and telling how you feel about her and everything you want to say to her? I've done that with my husband and it helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 19, 2014 Report Share Posted March 19, 2014 Doris Ann, I do know about wanting your mommy back. Being loved by a mom is different than any other love and right now you are grieving her loss and your own wishes of being there. When my husband died, I longed for my mom to be alive (she died 4 years earlier) because I knew she would well...be there as no one else would or could. I do like Kay's idea of writing to her. I do that all the time with Bill. I also talk to him and that helps. Nothing any of us say can or should take your grief away but we can walk with you in its pain. I am glad you are here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doris Ann Posted March 20, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 20, 2014 I thought about writing a letter. And I did write one but I couldn't stop crying and it got distorted somewhat. It's in my pillow because I feel her at night. I know she will find it. My warmth will keep my letter warm for her cold hands. She will like that. Next month is her birthday and I will take her her letter and flowers. I plan on spending the day with her. I have never been able to express myself like this. I feel a little better. Thank you for caring about me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 20, 2014 Report Share Posted March 20, 2014 Tears are very healing, Doris Ann. We cry three kinds of tears...emotional tears are different in their chemical make up and tend to calm us. I always feel better after a good cry....when you need to cry...cry! I just know your mom knows what you wrote. I believe that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doris Ann Posted March 20, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 20, 2014 You are so right. I do feel better when I cry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 20, 2014 Report Share Posted March 20, 2014 I look at it like tears are the release valve on a pressure cooker...an apt description of grief. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doris Ann Posted March 21, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 21, 2014 Today was not a good day. I feel like if I reach up high to the sky I can touch my moms hand. I'm in my room while life goes on around me. I hear my nieces laughter and my sister talking. My dad looks so old. I see him and dread when his time comes. My brothers and sisters are in denial when I tell them that he has given up. I see it in his eyes. I'm sorry I'm so negative but that's how I feel. I feel fake cuz in my profile picture I'm smiling but it's only to remind me of how I was. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 22, 2014 Report Share Posted March 22, 2014 No need to apologize, everything you feel is valid and understandable. We've been there. Your poor dad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doris Ann Posted March 22, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 22, 2014 My dad looking at my mom's picture and crying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 22, 2014 Report Share Posted March 22, 2014 As painful as it is for you to see him sob, it is a normal and healthy response. If appropriate just put your arms around him or touch his shoulder...all depends on your family's ways. He will need to talk and so do you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doris Ann Posted March 22, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 22, 2014 Thank you so much. It is hard. But my dad never let us love him. His beer was more important to him as it is now. He is an alcoholic. All my life. Sad to say that. But it's true. I wouldn't recognize him without a beer in his hand. We've all tried to comfort him but he continues to push us away. I won't give up though. One day he will hug me back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doris Ann Posted March 22, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 22, 2014 I've been in therapy for almost two years and I'm still trying to dig my way out of this dark cloud. In the distance I see the light but as I walk toward it, it disappears. I'm trying so hard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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