One Day I Woke Up And My Dad Was Gone

[ezgiaks]

Hi everyone...
I found this discussion group via Linkedn. I'm interested in these issues because I've graduated from Psychological Counseling and Guidance Department and I'm working as a school counselor in a private school. How could i know that i'll register this site as a person who lost one of her parens? I didn't know.

12th March 2014....
I was woke up that night at 3.30 a.m. with a phone call saying that my dad is hospitalized and i have to buy the earliest flight ticket.
I understood something but i dont want to believe that. I immediately bought a ticket at 7.00 a.m. and went to Izmir, where my parents live. I'd made a few phone calls to my sister and she was normally speaking me, saying that my mom is near my dad and its okay. I told myself "yes, my dad is really in hospital i think. Its okay. They want me to see him, of course, im his daughter". There was a hope for me until i arrived home and saw that my dad's shoes was left infront of our apartment building. This is a tradition for us.

I was shocked. All the hopes was broken. I didnt want to believe. I didn't went in that home.

My dad has already gone at 02.30 a.m. and they didnt tell me until i went home safely. He passed away in his sleep unexpectedly. My mom found him fallen asleep while he was watching T.V. and wanted to woke him up. But he was cold and.... he has gone...

I cannot explain my feelings, thoughts or something else. Ha was only 55. I saw my dad in the mortuary. I kissed him for the last time.

My pain is so fresh, so deep. It's been just 9 days and i still cannot believe that it has happened althoug i saw him passed away. I don't know what to do. It's hurting so much.

Its my mom and dad...

[kayc]

I am sorry for your loss. It is always hard when we lose someone, particularly when it's sudden and unexpected. My husband was just 51 when he died, Ithought we had many years left together. My dad has been gone for 32 years but it was hard when I too got that call in the wee hours. How is your mom doing? I hope you can spend some time with her before you have to go home.

We eventually adjust to the loss (somewhat) but we continue to miss them the rest of our lives.

[Ron B.]

Hi Ezgiaks. I am sending a prayer your way. So many others here have lost family just like you. Such loss hurts so deeply as to be almost incomprehesible.

I lost my mom 4 years ago. Here's how my own grief journey unfolded. For the first couple months I felt numb. Then for more than a year I was consumed by strong emotion. I was left emotionally exhausted, but I was somehow learning. I learned of the depth of my own emotions. I learned new ways to cope. And I learned a few things about life and mortality. It was about 2 years before I felt at all 'normal' or 'okay'. And I still dream or think of my mom almost every single day. The pain is definitely less. And, remarkably, the memory of my mom is now a source of strength. I 'feel' her legacy reliably, and it guides me like an inner compass.

I owe a lot to the people in this grief forum. While I thrashed out my emotions, people here were so patient, kind, and soulful. I hope you too find strength and a connection to this community. Welcome!

Ron B.

[enna]

I am so very sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine how very distraught you must be having returned to your home and finding out that your Dad had passed.

How beautiful that your family spared you the heartache of not telling you about your Dad until you arrived back home safely.

Your grief is so new that right now you are in shock and will need time.

It is good that you found this place because those of us here understand what loss means. We come here to express our grief and listen to others. That is all you can do right now. I hope we see you here often because the more you share your grief the more it will help you to heal.

I like the smiling faces on your parents.

Anne

[mfh]

I am so sorry for all you have been through and the shock of it all. I know your mom was probably trying to make sure you traveled safely while you were hoping to see your dad alive. Seeing those shoes, though a lovely tradition, had to just leave you feeling so shocked. I am glad you found us on LinkedIn and yes, I am sure you never thought you would be here in regards to your dad's death.

You are most likely drained emotionally as well as shocked. You said you do not know what to do. Right now you take care of yourself (sleep, eat well, walk), enter your pain as it comes as that is actually where the healing is to be found. Feeling our pain instead of ignoring it (if that is even possible) and journaling about it matter a great deal. Coming to this site often...as often as you wish...will provide a place to share your pain, your story, your pictures (as you just did) and receive comfort from people who know grief and who have lost someone near and dear to them. I urge you to do some reading about grief as that will help you to know a bit of what to expect and how to deal with it. A good starting place is Marty's site: www.griefhealingblog.com You will find helpful information here and some of us will provide you with the links to articles that will help you.

Do return often and share here with us.

Mary

[ezgiaks]

Seeing these replies really make me feel that i'm not alone and there are some people to support me. So, thank all of you for your support.

There are so many thoughts in my head, so many plan is left half finished with my dad's death... I'm just 23 and i'm not married. He will not see my wedding, he will not see my child or something i'll achieve. My dad always tried to protect me by trying to keep me near him. He didnt allow me to go another city for the university, he didnt allow me to hang out my friends at nights etc... The first thing he allowed me was my working in another city far away from my home AND HE HAS PASSED AWAY. It's been just 6 months that i'm away from my home. I dont want to accept that i dont have my dad anymore. He wont be here at all.

Dear kayc,
i'm so sorry that you've lost your dad and your husband. It must be so hard that i cannot understand. I can just guess about it. I hope i'll adjust but i cannot imagine that times. Can i really see that days?
I luckily have 2 weeks for rest of my family. She is not okay, i'm trying to keep her strong by going out with her, making some walk with her etc. I hope we'll be all okay and normal...

Dear Ron B,
Welcome. First of all, I'm really sorry for your loss. You've mentioned about learning from our losses. I've learned a lot of things about grief but i can understand now that i couldnt learn them. This pain is not what is written in books. Your process is so nice. I hope i can also have this process. I'm not aware of my feelings. I cannot define what i feel. Im still feeling like he will come home someday. I cannot accept that i saw him dead. His face was empurpled. Unbelievable. This couldnt be my dad. My dad would always be with us. How can i believe this? So many so many people are visiting us and talking about how nice and honest person my dad is. I feel like they don't mention about him. He is outside right now and will come home in a couple of hours.

Dear Anne,
Thank you for your support. And thank god that i've found these place and these kind people like you. I think i cannot express my feelings because i have to be strong when i am with my mom because this is what everyone say! If i cry, my mom cries more than me. If i dont cry and be strong with my mom, she will be okay.
Sometimes i think that i ignore this pain when i smile or laugh at something. I know it's normal to smile and he would want me to smile everytime. He would want me to be happy. But it's still hard for me to believe this. I feel guilty....

Dear Mary,
Thank you for your sharing this blog. Be sure i'll read it. I've always wanted to be good counselor and i still want. But after this pain,do you think i can cope with this and help my students' daily problems again? I love my job but i feel like i cannot do this right now and i have 4 months to work.

[enna]

You are definitely not alone when you come to this site. We know and understand your pain. I am so sorry that you lost your Dad at such a young age and I do understand your pain about him not being able to be with you for so many important events in your young life.

I understand that you want to appear 'strong' when you are around your Mother and that is all right at this time because your pain is so very fresh.

You are in shock right now and all you will have energy for is to get through each day. I hope your family talks about your Dad because this will help them and you as you heal. Those who mention what a wonderful person your Dad was are remembering, as you remember, all of his love toward you.

I so understand how very hard it will be for you to go back to work and try to do your job as a counselor. This will be tough. Very tough.

I hope you will be able to take some extra time off particularly because of the nature of your job.

Know that when you are on this site that we do understand and will be here to support you. Expressing your feelings will help you. Crying is good. If you don't want to do it in front of your mom go somewhere where you are alone and scream and cry your heart out. I did lots of my crying in my car and in the shower and in every room of my home. When my husband died the house was empty so I could cry anywhere. And I did.

Right now you have things that have to be taken care of and you will somehow have the strength to do what is necessary. That's the way grief is - you will be protected from the full force of your pain and later you will learn to handle it in small doses.

Sending you very big hugs.

Anne

[kayc]

The best thing you can do for your mom when you go back home is continue to be there for her, call her regularly, at least once a week, listen to her, understand that her entire world has changed. She has to feel overwhelmed right now, so much to do just when you feel least up to it. The day my husband died was the hardest day of my life...the ensuing days weren't much better.

I understand what you mean...I was pregnant with my first child when my dad passed...he missed out on being grandpa to my kids, they missed out on knowing him. I told my kids about him, of course, told them how much he would have loved them and how proud he'd be of them.

I am glad you are able to spend a couple of weeks with your mom, my son was home for a week or so when my husband died (all the Air Force would give him) and he helped me with so much...showing me how to use the riding lawn mower, towing our trailer home, driving to my husband's job to get his tools (75 miles away and they'd given them away), so many little things he attended to. My daughter was here off and on for a while too, her and my sister made the phone calls and I tried to plan the funeral. So much of that time is a blur, I remember feeling frantic and scared, overwhelmed, hurting beyond belief.

You wonder if it will ever get any better...yes in the sense you will gradually become more accustomed to it...it's not the missing them that goes away, but we do get better at coping with it with time and effort. Sometimes we have to go to a grief counselor and get help through this maze. Some join support groups, it helps to know there's others going through the same thing.

[mfh]

I believe you will be a better counselor for all you have experienced. A wounded healer who now knows deep pain and can help others in pain.

It will take some time and some grief work but I just know you will be a great counselor but see if you can get some time off especially as you work with kids. No one here thought they would ever feel ok including me...but we work at it and we heal and it takes as long as it takes. Glad you are posting...that is part of the work.