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Lost Both Mom/dad In 10 Years- Coping Difficult Alone


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I lost my beloved mom, the anchor and family rock on my BDay 9 years ago from Cancer, a slow, agonizing death - trauma I witnessed with my own sad eyes. My father died in 2012 from Alzheimer's, another slow and agonizing death - trauma #2. For dad, I handled the medical guardian role and all the stressors with it, including seeing a dad either out of it or mean/nasty - there were good times, please note. But, I handled it all ALONE - as a single mom and small business owner. My brother rarely visited dad ' cause it was - too hard for him to deal. How helpful.

Talk about stress & depression. It's lonely without mom and dad. I often feel lost, especially now during the Passover holiday. Gone are the Thanksgiving, Birthday dinners my mom organized. My brother, his wife and their kids rarely call or include us in their lives. My mother was the one who brought us all together. With her gone, there's little contact.

I have an aunt and uncle, but they have their own grandchildren, their relatives, and lives. At least I was invited, right? So, sitting at Passover dinner at their house with their sides of their happy families was tough. My daughter was at her father's, and I was the only representative of my immediate family present - brother won't participate. Remembering past Passover's with my family alive made me sad.

To top it off, the attendees on my aunt and uncle's side, albeit most, but not all present, were really nice people and unpretentious. Each extremely well-off with million dollar companies, proceeds of which are passed on to their children, cousins and in-laws who were able to start their own business or gain from the family by working in the family company in some capacity. It was clearly obvious - I was not one of them - their family. I know they would never outsource services to my company - I'm not family. Reality check. So, I was forced to sit and listen to their regular conversation, involving extravagant parties, exotic trips and elegant living in an exclusive neighborhood. Playing golf. Living life easy with no monetary worries. Talk about hanging out at the Country Club.

So, all this, the loss of my folks, the lack of relationship with my brother, my daughter not present (with my ex-husband this year), being single with no significant other, the knowledge that the wealthy distant "relatives" wouldn't consider using my services in business was/is just plain hard to take. Made my cry.

After dinner, I called a pal and went over to vent, which helped.

This is my life nowadays, a struggle. To top it off, I have a psychologically abusive ex-husband (trust fund attitude) who tries to control my life to this day, constantly instigating problems, shenanagans that force me to hire a lawyer, waste my hard-earned dollars, blah blah. That man went fundamental religious with his third wife - an environment I don't want my daughter in - another stressor. Running a business solo is challenging, too on top of everything.

On the upside, my Daughter is my sunshine. I have several wonderful friends, but honestly I could use more people/experiences to fill time. I'd like to meet a man, but it's not simple at age 40. I do work out which helps. But a lot of stress. Grief. Loneliness. Unhappiness. With the Passover holiday this week, reality kicked in. The loss of my folks and having very little family now - has really done a number on me. :(

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Dear beccablue, I am so sorry for the losses of your parents and the constant flow of struggles around those losses. You are dealing with all of this through exhaustion which only makes it more difficult. Having lost my husband to Alzheimer's, I do know the exhaustion of that journey. The bright light in your life is your daughter and even there with visits to her dad's home, problems arise. I am relieved to know you have some good friends and that you sought one out following that meal. Such insensitivity you experienced there. I am so sorry.

You will find yourself surrounded here by loving and caring people who will reach out to you. It sounds like right now it is your turn to do some self care and heal some from all you have been through. I know you miss your mom and dad and the life you shared around holidays and such. It is difficult to see those times becomes memories.

Do return here and share as you wish to and reap the benefits of this wonderful circle.

Mary

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Your reply Mary made me cry - tears for your empathy. Thank you for your kind words. :)

I think it's interesting that you think those distant "relatives" were insensitive. Would you explain why/how?

I believe sharing at this forum may help me heal more and see the brightness in life - difficult to do from time to time...

Thank you.

Beccablue

P.S. I am so sorry for your loss, too. Alzheimer's. It is hard to witness a loved one declining to nothing, when we recall a time they were bright and loving.

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I am so sorry for your loss...no matter how much time passes, we still feel it, don't we? My dad passed away when I was 29 and pregnant with my first child...that was 32 years ago. I felt it keenly as my kids never got to experience his being their grandpa, how much he would have loved them...and they him! My mom is both nuts and difficult so wasn't much of a "grandma" to my kids. After 23 years their dad and I divorced. I met and married the love of my life but he died a short few years later.

Today my kids are married and have lives of their own. I know what it was to be a single parent and to split my kids' holidays with their dad. Today it's further diminished as they have spouse's families and I end up spending holidays alone. My mom is in a Dementia Care Facility and I commute 120 miles to see her once every week or two as cost allows. My siblings rarely see her. I do know what it is to be alone and to deal with all of this alone.

I have found that life is full of changes and phases and nothing stays the same. It's up to us to adjust to those changes or suffer accordingly. Sometimes that's just plain hard. My life is nothing like it once was when I had a "family" and hosted family get togethers and holidays. I miss that. I must have done my job well, because my kids are now independent adults, on their own. It looks like I'll be alone on Easter. I've spent Christmas Eves alone. All of the "death of my husband" days (being as he died on Father's Day which my kids spend with their dad) I spend alone. I try to keep busy, spend time with friends, church, etc. and not rely on my kids to fill the void. I was there for my mom all her life, even though she didn't deserve it.

Mary, who responded to you, doesn't have kids to keep her company on the holidays and has had to learn to live without her husband, who passed away a few years ago. It's not easy, but it can be done. If I lived near a city I would probably volunteer at a homeless shelter because I think helping others is a way of focusing outward rather than within. As it is, I try to help fill the void in some of my friends that also have no one near by.

I doubt I would spend time with distant relatives that weren't inclusive of me. To me that would be kind of like acknowledging the "difference" between being "one of them" or not. Who needs that! I hope whatever you do this holiday will be enjoyable to YOU and perhaps you can start a NEW tradition, one that is welcome to you. Even if only going to dinner and a movie alone, do something YOU enjoy!

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KayC,

Thank you for your kind words. Maybe I shouldn't spend Passover with those distant relatives? But I am in a tough spot. Next year, when daughter spends holidays at home, we probably should go or she misses out. Plus, we would have no where else but there to spend Passover. The whole thing sucks. Going. Not going. The entire experience is the same every year, stressful - I hate it. That's why my brother does not attend, in part.

As for volunteering time to focus outward, I agree that helping others makes one feel good. Great idea. That said, I already do all that: volunteer at a local school, organizing an Easter Egg Hunt right now, and I am taking an intern this summer. Yes, I agree, it feels good doing altruistic acts for others. It helps. :)

Still, dealing with the reality of the loss of my folks- my family, zero family support and the tumultuous character of my daughter's dad is difficult, at times. Nothing can erase the pain of the loss of my parents. So, that is why I am here. To vent, heal and learn from others, who like both you and Mary seem to be in a similar spot. It's not easy, is it? I am sorry for your losses, as well. Best wishes to you. Happy Easter!

Many thanks,

Beccablue

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Your reply Mary made me cry - tears for your empathy. Thank you for your kind words. :)

I think it's interesting that you think those distant "relatives" were insensitive. Would you explain why/how?

I believe sharing at this forum may help me heal more and see the brightness in life - difficult to do from time to time...

P.S. I am so sorry for your loss, too. Alzheimer's. It is hard to witness a loved one declining to nothing, when we recall a time they were bright and loving.

beccablue, I am grateful you felt heard by my words. And thank you for your words to me on the loss of my husband to Alzehimer's.

Here is the line that led me to believe your distant "relatives" might have been insensitive.

"I was not one of them - their family. I know they would never outsource services to my company - I'm not family. Reality check. So, I was forced to sit and listen to their regular conversation, involving parties, trips, how they all live in one exclusive neighborhood, play golf, live life easy."

It seemed to me that no one went the least bit out of their way to include you. Maybe I mis-read your message. Their conversation about parties, trips, etc. that you could not afford as your knowing they would not out source to you just left me feeling that there was little to no compassion or even awareness of how difficult your road has been. At the very least it seemed your aunt and uncle who were aware of your situation might have made efforts to include you and more. Please hear me, I may be mis-interpreting what was said but my gut is pretty good about this kind of thing.

Peace to you

Mary

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beccablue, I believe you will make the right decisions about those relatives and how you spend holidays. It is difficult. As Kay said, I am usually alone for holidays except for friends. I do have some family but not near by. The one thing I think you might want to consider is letting go of the word "should" and follow your heart instead. Perhaps someday on Easter you and your daughter might just take off somewhere. Bill and I did a lot of that...day trips or weekend trips and that is an option but right now I would think you are just in recovery from a lot of caregiving and need to monitor your exhaustion as you run your own business, care for a daughter (how old???) and do all you are doing. Just one day at a time....as most of us have learned here. I think that is Kay's favorite message and reminder to all of us...for which we are grateful. :wub:

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Yes, one thing I've learned to throw out is the word "should". I've learned to explore new options as I deal with my "new life". I'm grateful for the good years I've had and try to look for something good in what is "now".

This is a good place to vent! We all hear you here and believe me, we've been through it too! I do hope whatever you do on Easter will be a day YOU can enjoy!

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Mary,

You interpreted the dynamics right.

I agree the distant "relatives" were insensitive to me. No compassion or awareness. Interesting interpretation.

My Aunt and Uncle were nice to me, though. But they too may not understand the plight. Even if they did, what could they do to erase the reality?

Just an uncomfortable environment altogether especially without my parents and 12-year-old daughter.

Thanks,

beccablue

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