Thank You: A Message Of Love

[J'espere]

First, I would like to thank everyone here for reading, writing, sharing your stories, and opening your hearts. Each of you have touched and will touch the lives of others in ways you may never know.

I am grateful for having this forum. Like a number of you here, I also found myself in great emotional need last year, after my girlfriend shut me out when she lost her grandmother.

I promised myself that I had to come back here to say thank you. And in sharing my story, hopefully you may find some words of encouragement or inspiration, no matter how small.

My Story (or a summary of events so far):

- Met my dream woman, fell deeply in love - It was a long distance relationship

- We made plans to spend time together

- Her grandmother passed away

- She broke off all contact

- In desperation, I tried to visit her house, I called (many times), emailed, sent gifts, and even telegrams (yes, they still exist).

- I started to lose sleep and interest in everything else...

This is when I found this forum. And if you have read though the stories here you know you are not alone. Reading through the pages of stories, words of advice and support every night helped me get through a really tough autumn and winter. I gained a new understanding and perspective on what was happening.

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For those of you who hurting or confused right now because someone you love/loved has pushed you away:

- Stop, take a step back

- Desperation, obsession, and fixation will ruin you and ruin any chance you may have left with him or her.

- Let go of these thoughts...

- Now breathe

- Let your emotions and thoughts flow through your mind, acknowledge them, and let them drift away again...

- Ask yourself, do you love him or her?

- Then you need to give them the time and space to do what they need to do.

- Listen when they say that they need this

- Read when they write that now is not a good time

- Realize that love is a journey and the road will be long; things may not get better next week, next month, or even next year.

- But if you love him or her, you would do anything right?

- Then let them do what they need to do.

- You, need to take care of yourself.

- Even though he or she is not there right now, you still have so much love to give.

- The one person you want so badly is in no state of mind or heart to receive your love.

- Look around

- Appreciate all the family, friends, pets, and kind strangers in your life

- Look closely again and you'll start to see all the wonder and life that is all around you.

- All of these people and things need your love too.

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As others have said it before on this forum, there is probably no good explanation why some people react and behave one way and others differently when it comes to loss.

Eight months after my last contact with my love, she emailed me again. Those eight months may be a blur for her. But they seemed like an eternity to me.

We are now trying to get back in contact with each other. I do not expect everything to be like they were before. Certainly she is a different person, and I feel many years older.

I will, however, be very grateful for the chance to fall in love with her all over again.

Even if I get hurt, I would do it all over again. I know I have so much love to give.

[kayc]

Everything you have said is what I too have learned to be true.

One thing I'd like to add is, you can't go this journey thinking if you do thus and such you will get them back. That may or may not happen, it is out of your control. What you can control is your response to the situation, and that can give you your best chances...but the other person may or may not come around. It's not about you, it's about them. So if you can love with a selfless love, palms down, and accept them where they're at, you at least have the best chance of establishing a friendship or who knows, but if you push them or try to get more from them than they're able to give, they will run for sure.

Focusing on yourself at this time and doing what is healthy for you, appreciating what is rather than what isn't, is a healthier mindset than obsessing over what you can't have or make happen. Reconnect with family, friends, take classes, join a gym, keep an active full life. This is a tough spot to be in and it hurts like the dickens, but you will get through it and many come out all the better after having gone through it, even if they never get their person back.

I am still friends with my ex, we talk nearly every day, still care for each other, and it's been nearly four years since he broke up with me when his mom was dying. Life goes on, even when it doesn't feel like it at the time.

[J'espere]

Kayc,

Totally agree with you. The only person you have any real control over is yourself.

I think all of us going through this must eventually prepare ourselves - mentally and physically - to find all the strength and courage we can to meet one of a few possible outcomes: rebuild a relationship with a person who is quite changed; negotiate a new sense of normalcy (be it a friendship only); or, find some closure if there is nothing left.

The more we are prepared, the better. However, as you've said it many times before Kayc, there are no guarantees.

Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. That's all we can do really.

[kayc]

So true!

[kayc]

J'espere,

How's it going these last five weeks?

[J'espere]

Hi KayC,

Thank kindly you for asking.

Between work, hosting visitors, doing errands for relatives, taking a language course, starting a new company, trying to maintain good health, and dealing with changes in the weather - in short, life - I'm doing pretty good

The alternative is sitting around obsessing about what I could do or should have done, which in the end, got me nowhere really.

All I can do is keep the lines of communications open with my girl, give her all the support she needs, as well as a whole lot of patience and space to work out her issues (and there are a few)... but thankfully I've been seeing positive signs as she's willing to talk to me more and more; albeit very slowly and cautiously.

With other things to do, I'm able not to worry too much about the heavy stuff (love, romantic relationship, so on), and instead, help her and support her by simply being a friend who cares.

If it doesn't work out in the end, I would be satisfy with myself that I was there to help her through a difficult time in her life.

KayC, how are you doing? How it's everything with you?

[kayc]

Things are going okay with me too, not a whole lot of changes...I've learned to be content on my own, alone, and Jim and I continue to be friends but no hope for anything more and that's okay too. At least, as you say, I've been there for him.

You do sound as though everything is really busy for you...sometimes that is a good thing! Good luck with your new company!

[J'espere]

Thanks KayC. I think being the right type of busy helps. It also serves to keep one's perspective in check. If one part of life doesn't go your way, there are other parts that are surely going better.

I hope you're able to find lots of joy and beauty in the various things that fill your everyday. Life is yet full of hidden surprises - the bad, but also a lot of good too.