I Feel I Messed Up- The Mistake Of A Lifetime?

[steph.ny]

My beloved companion of 16 years was going downhill fast. I had adopted her as a puppy and we were constant companions. She was always with me, even in the car. I thanked her for spending her life waiting in the car for me because everywhere I went, she was with me. But she couldn't come in most the places. (The library, the grocery store.)

On the evening before she died, I took her outside to go to the bathroom. It was late. Things did not go as I had planned. I brought her back inside and she layed down in the living room. I was shocked at what had happened outside (she sat on the back porch and while sitting pooped) and I determined this was the last time I was going to let my girl suffer an indignity. She was having a laundry list of things go wrong. And I said to myself "I am taking her to the veterinarian tomorrow. If she isn't better by then, I am having her euthanized".

Her decline had been going on for several weeks badly but had started several months before.

I did take her to the veterinarian. She was so sick she had to be carried into the veterinarian's office by an assistant. Once in the room, she collapsed on the floor. The veterinarian did an examination with her hands and said my dog was very dehydrated and needed to be hospitalized. I asked her if the fluids she was planning on giving her all that was wrong. She said "No!" and said it rather forcefully. She said she had felt something in my dog's abdomen and believed my dog would need surgery.

At 16 years of age I was not going to put her through that. I became hyserical and blurted, yes blurted out, "I think we should euthanize her". The veterinarian turned her head very quickly to look at me and said 'I think so too".

The veterinarian went on to say "When do you want to do it?" and said something I couldn't make out but it sounded like "Do you want to take her home". She went on to say some other things but at this point I was not truly listening because this was an unplanned euthanasia and I was hysterical. She may or may not have been offering me time to say goodbye to my dog or be alone with her. But honestly, I did not hear that. I repeat, I did not hear that.

I blurted out again in hysteria, "No! I want to do it now. This second". This was in response to what I swear I heard her say "Do you want to take he home".

The veterinarian ordered one of the technicians in the room to go get the euthanasia kit. She ran out and came back with it and they got right on it and immediately euthanized my dog. Immediately. As I had indicated, "No, do it now. This second".

That was 6 months ago. Today when I look back I am furious with myself for a few things. I am furious that the night before when I had said to myself "I am taking her to the vet tomorrow and if she isn't better I am euthanizing her" that I didn't go over to her and spend time with her and show love and talk to her. Instead I just went to bed. While at the veterinarian's office the next day, I am angry that I didn't carry her into the place, that I let someone else do it. And I am really upset with myself that while I was sitting on the floor next to her I didn't have my hand on her while she was being euthanized, that I didn't talk to her, look her in the eyes. Heck, I could have layed on the floor and had my arms around her holding her. The truth is I was in an altered mental state and felt like I was in a dream. I couldn't think straight.

This is a dog who was my best girl. I am not married and she was my signifcan't other. I honored and cherished her. To think at the literal very end I didn't even touch her or show her love flabbergasts me. I am in a state of total panic that I may have made her feel "Mom is killing me" because I was not showing her love. I was rushing them to "Do it now, this second". I was rushing them because I was being her advocate. I was not willing for my girl to be in one more second of distress. However in the process I forgot the love. I was like a General during war giving instructions to the troops. I was in charge of what was happening and I wanted it to happen "now". I had her best interest in my heart. However I realize now I could have kissed her goodbye, could have touched her, could have held her. Things were not as urgent as I made them out to be. The veterinarian said if I hadn't euthanized her she likely would have died within a few days. (That was after the fact and several months later that she said that.) So now I know there was time to show her love. But I was too busy trying to make sure my girl was put out of her misery.

Did I ruin her life by not showing her love at the euthanasia or the night before? I will say that after she was euthanized, I kissed her 1000 (thousand) times and told her I loved her as many. I kept track on a pice of paper how many times I was saying it. I would say it and try to keep count and then write it on a sheet of paper. I has asked the technician to get paper. At first she was keeping the log with me but left the room after we got up to me doing this about 300 times and handed me the paper and pencil. I did make it to 1000 however. I wanted her to have enough love with her to take with her so wherever she went she would have courage and confidence during the transition that Mommy had told her and kissed her 1000 times "I love you".

[MartyT]

My dear, I think the answer to your anguish lies in this statement: The truth is I was in an altered mental state and felt like I was in a dream. I couldn't think straight. You were in an altered state, and when you later returned to your "right mind" you were once again able to see and understand what was happening in a completely different light. Today you have the benefit of hindsight, and you're seeing and remembering and evaluating things quite differently, and judging yourself quite harshly, as if all of this was intentional on your part, rather than what you were capable of at the time, when you were totally unprepared and making decisions under duress. I wish your veterinarian would have given you more time to come to terms with your decision, but I suspect in her mind she was acting in your animal's best interest, which led her to follow through too quickly with a decision with which she was in complete agreement ~ that is, to relieve your animal's suffering as quickly as possible.

If you've read through some of the threads in this forum, I'm sure you've encountered some of what I've had to say about pet loss and the burden of guilt. I hope you will read those articles and take some of my statements to heart. I believe that guilt is an unavoidable component of the euthanasia decision ~ one of several factors that makes pet loss so different from other kinds of grief, and for some, so much harder to resolve.

I notice from the statements that you have made to other animal lovers in this forum that you are a person not quick to judge the actions of others; on the contrary, your comments are brimming with compassion, understanding and forgiveness. I would hope that you can find a way to offer that same degree of compassion, understanding and forgiveness to yourself.

I also noticed this very sound advice you offered to one of our members, and I think you'd be wise to follow it yourself:

I am a big advocate of one on one grief counseling where we really can't on our own come to terms with a loss. If you can, please try to find a counselor who can tell you with certainty that they have experience with people who have been traumatized and can compassionately understand that your trumatic event involves a pet. If they have no experience, you must find someone who does. One on one talking about these things can be very helpful. You said you may as well not be here. You SHOULD be here. Please get help if you can.There is nothing wrong with you. Just that your pain is more than you can handle. Sent with love and caring. I am very sorry for your loss.

[kayc]

I am so sorry you lost your dear companion. I understand what she meant to you because that is what my dog means to me.

Please understand that she KNEW ALREADY that you love her! How could she not! You have showed her your love for 16 years!

Also, she did not know she was being put to death, she only knew you were taking care of her like you always do, that you were helping her.

If you could converse with her, she would tell you she knows you love her and she loves you too and she would tell you to rest assured that she is fine now and she is waiting for you to join her...in the meanwhile, she is happily playing and no longer has her physical problems.

Perhaps you can do something to memorialize her...I don't know if you buried her or cremated her, but if not, you can still purchase a headstone or something to remember her by. When my little sister's baby died, just short of two years old, they purchased a fountain with cherubs for their back yard (they were renting) that they could take with them when they moved to their new home. It was a way of having her with them wherever they lived.

I agree with what Marty said...I do wish the veterinarian would have spent some time calming you down and giving you a little time to think over your decision instead of acting so promptly, but it is done. Just please know you did not do anything wrong, your entire thought was of your little girl...and somehow I think she knows that.

[Missing Simba]

I am sorry your vet was so blunt and lacked compassion. I called Tufts after my Simba died and as being a vet school, someone there created a hotline for pet loss to help train those about to be out in the world how to handle a grieving pet parent. She listened, talked, and was wonderful. I got a card a few days later which was personal and included something I had said 'of hopefully my Simba is in heaven eating butter, his favorite'. She listened and that was important. Your doctor should have listened to you and realized it was not time, kept your dog comfortably until you were ready and your mind too. Your baby knew you loved her. Your baby went home which we all must do at some point with or without being ready,. All the hurt was gone instantly. May she rest in peace,

[Maria A M]

Hello Steph.ny

Ive read your post above and can tell you dearly loved your baby. I recently posted on here about what I have found out to be a mistake by my vet, thats a whole different story but I was led down the raod to euthanasia by this vet and I am now 9 months down the line confronting the vet with the misleading info she gave me - I am still devastated.

However I can totally relate to the things you did and why you feel so angry with yourself.

When my vet said there was no hope for my little love, i decided I did not want him to suffer the indignity or the distress of a painful decline, and I would choose to let him go.

This was on the Monday and euthanasia was sheduled for next morning. I came back from the vet having made the appointment and wanted to carry on as normal, he was loved, no question of that, I kept him comforted and comfy, tried to help him eat and drink even though he didn't want to anymore.... and then after he had got up for a walk around all be it this was now a struggle, I cuddled him settled him in his bed, watched him fall asleep and went an got into bed myself knowing exactly what the next day was about to bring.

I hate myself for this - but in my rational mind I know that I considered staying with him all night - but he was ill, I didn't want him out of routine, or upset if he couldn't come to my room and find me in bed like he used to ... I knew this wouldn't happen, but hoped, I didn't want to make this somekind od weirdo 'special' occassion and ultimately what was I gonna do sit there all night and go through in my mind the many years of happiness and precious moments we had had together ....... while he lay there and the hours ticked away - and my heart was breaking, that would have been excruciating .... could you imagine. My mind protected me from this .... and him too !! That would have been too much - his last night on earth was not a special occassion - his whole life was!!! and there was no singling out this one last night for 'special treament'. Your psychy protects you in these circumstances.

In all the things I have read the only thing that has really struck home is that, remember you are in an emotional and stressed state of mind - this is not a normal behaviour what you are about to choose to do, it is a behaviour that is full of conflict- but you know it is your responsibility, so you do it the best way you can. What matters is the years of love, happiness, and devotion you have had with your dog, the love you have shared, no matter how you behaved in her last hours , and what you said or shreiked toward the end of their life doesnt take that away .....you were going through a process, there is no perfect way to do this, you did what you did under enormous stress - it didnt mean you cared any less

Please look after yourself - your baby knows how much she was loved by you. Remember the life you had together and be grateful... and thet you let her go because you loved her not because you didn't ....

I have come to terms with the battle with myself but now have a different battle on my hands which has only just started - but my devotion to the memory of my beloved Chinchilla cat drives me on - the injustice drives me on , as hearbreaking as it is, I know I never let him down, and nor did you with your girl

Be good to yourself

Maria xx