Not Sure How To Feel

[Jamsie]

I am 38 years old, I am married and have two children. Both of my parents recently passed away. My father passed in May of 2012 (about a month before my daughter was born) and my mother passed in February of this year. There is a whole lot of family issues that I could go into, but I'll save it since I'm new to this group. I believe that my parents contributed heavily to my having very low self-esteem and finding social situations very challenging.

Even though my father apologized for his verbally and emotionally abusive parenting, even saying he was proud of me a few months before he died, my mother offered no such apology. She enabled him and stood by doing nothing when he or others bullied me.

So, now they're gone. They failed as parents. I have great things now (e.g. a wonderful wife, wonderful children, a great job and an awesome home), but I struggle with feelings of inferiority. Sometimes I feel angry with my parents even though they're gone. I wonder what they were thinking. No dentist until I went myself as an adult; no orthodontic work until I was an adult even though I needed it badly; one trip to an optometrist in my entire childhood and not so much as a "we're proud of you" for making it through college. So, now they're gone and I miss them, but I hate myself for missing them. They failed me. I deserved better. So, I’m not sure how to feel.

[kayc]

It is okay and normal even to feel conflicting feelings about your parents. My parents also failed in the parenting role...dad-alcoholic, mom-mental and very abusive. Dad didn't protect us from mom, enabler. I broke my leg when I was 14 and my arm when I was 10 but they didn't take me to get a cast on. I can relate.

There comes a time we need to forgive them, understanding it doesn't excuse them nor does it make what they did "okay". I can trace some of my poor choices/decision making to the "parenting" I got, but have had to realize I am responsible for my choices nonetheless and have had to deal with my background, it's taken me a good share of my life to do so. My father passed right before my oldest child was born and my mom is now in a Dementia Care Center. My siblings struggle with how to feel about her. I tell them as bad as it was being her child, it must really suck to be her. She didn't ask to be crazy, I mean she is really out there, Dementia has actually softened her a bit which helps. Neither parent asked our forgiveness, but I've given it anyway. It's not for them so much as for myself...forgiving releases us from the power of all that has been done to us.

It's okay to remember good things about them and acknowledge that sometimes they tried in certain ways, even while realizing they failed in so many other ways. I took with me the ability to realize that their parenting is what I do NOT want to do and had to take parenting classes to learn what TO do as I hadn't had a good role model. I highly recommend it because it made all the difference in the world in breaking that cycle. My daughter is a wonderful person that works as a caregiver. My son is graduating next month from OSU with a degree in Computer/Science Engineering and a degree in Mechanical Engineering...and he's done it debt free. More importantly, his character is impeccable and he's very sensitive and thoughtful...of all the people in the world I'd turn to for advice, it would be him. The cycle was broken. I didn't abuse my kids, they got excellent care, and grew up to be contributing members of society. You can let go of the past while taking with you the lessons you've learned along the way.

I'm sorry for your pain...I've been there.

[MartyT]

Jamsie, you wrote, now they're gone and I miss them, but I hate myself for missing them. They failed me. I deserved better. So, I’m not sure how to feel.

What you may be mourning now is not so much the loss of your parents as they were, but the loss of the parents you wished you'd had ~ and now that they've both died, that fact is even more real, for there is no time left for anyone or anything to change ~ so you've also lost all hope of EVER getting what you needed and wanted from your parents. Yes, your parents failed you. Yes, you deserved better. All of this is worthy of grief, and all of it requires a better understanding of and working through your grief.

You may find these articles helpful:

Complicated Grief: Mourning the Death of An Abusive Mother

Mourning An Abusive Relationship: Suggested Resources

[kayc]

Very good point, Marty. That's a very common issue.

Jamsie, your parents failed you. That is not your fault. And there's nothing wrong with mourning them even if they were less than hoped for parents. Relationships and love are complicated!