Father & Grandmother In A Month

[carmentine]

I am happy and relieved to find this site. Not many people have seem to relate to my lately, even my husband. Since the beginning of this year my life has spun out of control and so many days I am afraid I cannot hold on any longer. I lost my father in January, I had not spoken to or seen my father in about 4-5 years. This estrangement came from trying to help my mental health. All of my life my father dearly very abusive man, verbally, emotionally, physically. And he did not protect us from other abusers such as our step mother while they were married. I do not hate my father, and worked over the years to come to an understanding of why he was the father he was. It was not a lack of love, I know he was "ill" so to speak. I truly believe he did the very best he could. But even after this understanding through therapy I could not find the courage to reach out to him. Now he is gone, and the guilt I carry is drowning me. I will never make a mends.I will never see him again.

Now fast forward to February, my grandmother died. My fathers mother. After things became too out of control in our lives and my stepmother was finally out of the picture (my mother committed suicide when I was 6) my grandmother became our mother figure. And my savior. Literally. If not for that lady my own suicide attempt would have been successful. Her passing hurts more than words can convey, in essence she was really my mother, but it was a blessing for her. She battled cancer for 2 years, suffered from dementia & alhemziers, and various health issues. I miss her dearly but thank my creator she no longer suffers. I was able to say goodbye to her....and I was so blessed that day because she had a moment of clarity when she told me she loved me. I cling to that sweet precious moment.

I just feel so out of control that it scares me horribly. I am not even certain I know how to grieve my father. My brother will not speak to me any more. All this has flared up some of my health issues. What few friends I did have seem to have bailed on me. Can someone tell me if this hopelessness and despair will go away? Even though I lost my mother young I have never really grieved her...that is a topic for another discussion. Yes I am a big old mess.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read all this. I am grateful. Be well.

[enna]

I am so sorry for why you are here, Carmentine, but glad that you found this place.

I had to catch my breath after reading your story and am sad that you have been through so very much heartache.

Others will be able to talk to you about guilt feelings you have about not making amends with your father. I am just sorry that you had to endure abuse from someone who was not able to give you the love you so deserved.

Your mother’s suicide had to be devastating on you…right at a time when a little girl needs her mother. I am glad that you had a mother figure in your grandmother and your heart must be broken not having her with you anymore in the physical sense. It is our love of another that does not want to see the ones we love suffer. It must have been so hard to have your grandmother die. It is good that you were able to say goodbye and be happy that she is not in pain anymore.

Our moderators will be able to direct you to sites that help you in your grief journey. You have many issues that you are going to be dealing with and my suggestion would be for you to find a caring grief counselor who can help you sort things out.

I want to welcome you and give you a big hug. This place helps us to not be so alone. We listen and we do not judge.

Please remember to take care of you ~ fluids, sleep, exercise, and diet all help us to have the energy we need to grieve.

Anne

[kayc]

I am so sorry for all of the loss you've suffered...your mother at such a young age, your father, and then your precious grandmother. When you suffer many losses they seem to pile on top of one another so that the loss is overwhelming. It's not surprising that others don't understand...unless they've been through it they can't begin to understand. And even if they've lost relationships, everyone's is different so their loss is still not the same.

There is a lot of information on "guilt" after loss, even with estranged relationships, I hope you will take the time to read some recent threads in this section. Here is one of the threads, it contains some valuable links to read:

I hope you will look for a grief support group in your area. It helps to have others to talk to that have been through similar things. Expressing yourself in a safe place is so important!

[MartyT]

My friend, I'm pleased that Kay has directed you to another thread containing what I hope will be some valuable resources for you.

I also want to suggest that, given the unique circumstances that may be complicating your grief, you seriously consider meeting with a grief counselor to help you sort out and come to terms with these significant losses you've endured. Doing so can be enormously helpful, and you certainly do deserve it!

If you need help in finding such counseling, you might start by calling your local hospice organization and asking for the Bereavement Department. Such departments usually keep good referral lists and can point you to someone in your community. See also Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You and Seeing a Specialist in Grief Counseling: Does It Matter?