Articles Worth Reading

[Clematis]

6 hours ago, enna said:

"Gremlins" yes Marty. I'm testing to see if my post goes through. 

The Moments that Matter: Looking at life in hindsight ~ July 12th from WYG (What's Your Grief)

http://www.whatsyourgrief.com/moments-that-matter/  

Anne-I love this article! I feel sometimes crushed to the core that all of my live with my family is all gone. My parents are gone, along with their siblings and everyone in the generations before them. And my sisters are not speaking to me for reasons you've all heard plenty about. So sometimes I feel like everything is gone and I am just going through the motions of what I am supposed to do until I am gone as well. Then, other times I feel like I could just go back to my favorite parts and just be there as I was, but without the anxiety of worrying about what was next or what someone might do that would hurt me because I already know what happens next and how it comes out in the end. Just like a scene in a favorite movie or book. But it's still sad because it's all over as if all of the movies/books had been made/written and watched/read, and there would never be any more.

[Clematis]

50 minutes ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

... I am estranged, by choice, from my maternal unit.  She was very jealous of my relationship with my father.  As an only child I was a disappointment to her, in every way and she reminded me about it often.  When she and my Old Dad divorced after 50 yrs. she became more vindictive and tried to turn my son and husband against both my Dad and I...

I am sorry to hear of the painful times you have had with your "maternal unit". My mother was really awful, but mercifully she was the one who went first, and then I was able to have ten years of being able to finally get to know my dad as himself, and not as a satellite around my narcissistic mother. After losing my dad in January I am in the position of having to consolidate my dad's and my condos of equal size into mine, with no assistance, support, or even contact from my sisters, who got their share of the family "stuff" after my mother died 11 years ago. The deal was that whatever my dad selected to take to AZ with him would be my part, but I would have to wait for it. I would have been happy to wait forever if it meant having him around, but alas, he is gone and I have this monstrosity of a job of dealing with his stuff. Fortunately I've had help from friends. I've paid them to help, but it's been way better than having my sisters involved and interfering at every step.

So, today I ran across a little plaster cast of my hand that I had done in Kindergarten with my name and the year. It was very cute, but it was broken down the middle. It also reminded me of a remark that my mother made once to me when I was in my mid 20's or so. She was complaining about how awful it had been to have us bring home all these little crafty items we made in school and how they were always cheap and messy and she had been put in the uncomfortable position of knowing that she was supposed to act enthusiastic about all that trash and junk, when the only ones we ever gave her that she liked were those little plaster hand casts. (No one taught us how to make diamond earrings in grade school).

Anyway, I was surprised to see it and don't remember how it came to be in my possession-no doubt after my mother's death. I had such mixed feelings when I saw it, I wasn't sure if I should glue it together or heave it at the rock wall behind the house. I related my story to Greg, who gently took it away from me and said he would fix it up for me, because it was a cute reminder that I had once been a small child and that had been my tiny hand, which had nothing to do with my icky mother.

Marita, it is really awful to have a mother who has treated you like yours has...I can really sympathize with you. I think it makes other things in life more difficult because you didn't start life with the nurturing  support you should have had - the nurturing support from parents - especially a mother - to give you a firm foundation and belief that you really had value because she saw such value in you. I would encourage you to remember that the way she treated you was never your fault and you deserved much better. You are really going through a lot, in dealing with your current loss under the shadow of your early history. I feel for you...

 

[Widowedbysuicide]

Thank you Laura.

I only hope that my son never likens me to my maternal unit when it comes to my behaviour.  Too bad for me that I see her in the mirror each time I look there.  Lol, is it any wonder that my hair is a mess and I don't wear makeup?!

In the recent dictionaries, my mother's picture is included in the definition of narcissist. 

Marita

[enna]

The River of Grief and How to Keep Being by Jini Maxwell

http://www.dumbofeather.com/the-river-of-grief-and-how-to-keep-being/  

[Clematis]

16 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

Thank you Laura.

I only hope that my son never likens me to my maternal unit when it comes to my behaviour.  Too bad for me that I see her in the mirror each time I look there.  Lol, is it any wonder that my hair is a mess and I don't wear makeup?!

In the recent dictionaries, my mother's picture is included in the definition of narcissist. 

Marita

Maybe we're sisters! No, actually our mothers have a lot of company. I have struggled with what I have in common with my mother. Mercifully, she has been gone for 11 years, which has made it easier to come to grips with some things, and realize that some of the things I inherited from her genetically are good-like being an artist. The worst "mirror" I have related to my mother is my sisters. They have this thing going where if they have a transaction with me in which they feel the way they felt with my mother, it means that I might as well be Mother because they feel the same way. And since they agree on this, they must be right. It sucks! 

So I worked hard to help them both and get my dad to help them financially after my mother died, since neither of them has much of an ability to support themselves financially...they were raising children while was developing my career and ability to support myself. They both ended up divorced, although the younger one now has remarried.

So, silly me-I thought that If I helped my sisters and got our father to help them financially after my mother died, that they would like me more. I took care of my dad for his last ten years, by coaxing him into moving across the country, to their extreme relief. Also, taking care of him all those years so that he could stay at home meant that he did not spend down every dime he had by living in assisted living, and so there is a little money for all three of us that would have otherwise been gone years ago.

I figured that my sisters would appreciate all of that, but they do not. It has made them feel much more negatively towards me. I was never trying to make them feel bad-I just wanted to help my sisters because I loved them and was concerned about them. But my generosity towards them made them feel inadequate and inferior, just as my mother's cruelty, endless criticism, and stinginess did. They look at me and see my mother because they feel the same, and they are punishing me for the way she treated them and made them feel, because at some level they voted and decided that I am her. Then when my dad named me executor, it was more than they could take, so they told me I was just not nice to them and stopped speaking to me.

Marita, sorry that was kind of long-winded, but I don't think that I am my mother and I don't think that you are yours either. If you resemble her, that is unfortunate given your feelings and history with her, but it doesn't mean that you act like her or are much like her. You are a different person and it sounds like you have worked hard to be your own person and not repeat her legacy. You probably have not, and your son probably is aware of that.

Growing up with narcissistic parents is one of the most difficult ways to begin life. I feel for you, Marita. It makes everything harder, having what you and I had in the way of "mothering".

 

[Widowedbysuicide]

It is kind of funny Laura, it was my son who at the age of 10 had researched my mother's behaviours and told me that she was a narcissist.  Smart kid!  Poor kid, he had to deal with too much bs from her too.

I also assisted my father in his latter years and the resentment my mother dished out over that was ridiculous.  My father and son were 75 years apart.  Until the started tattling on each other they shared the big bedroom in our house.  New Year's Day 1998 we gave them separate bedrooms, which meant shifting stuff in 3 bedrooms and the family room.  We were home schooling our son at the time so the family room became the classroom.  I would do it again if I had the chance of a do-over.  One change would have been to get an unlisted phone number so that my mother couldn't call and cause problems.  

I miss my Dad like crazy.  He was the one that encouraged me, my mother insidiously broke down my joy for life.  Considering he was 45 when they had me I'm lucky to have had 46 1/4 years with him.  Thanks for letting me rant and get some of the 'brown smelly stuff' off my mind.

I hope we can dream of our Dads tonight.  

[Clematis]

Yeah, here's to some nice dad dreams! I had a funny experience about my dad last Saturday. I was getting ready to go out to dinner and a free outdoor concert on Saturday night with two friends, and I heard my dad tell me, "better take some cash with you. If you have to take some from that money from my account"-it was in a drawer, and so I took $20 out of the drawer since I had only $5 in my wallet-kinda typical-I usually rely on my debit card. So we got to the restaurant and the first thing they said to us was that their computer was down and they were only taking cash-no debit/credit cards. 

Maybe you will get some good advice from your dad in a dream-like to not let your mother ruin any more of your days or nights-enough already!

I'm glad you were able to have the time with him that you did, and it really sounds like your son has had a clear view of the family dynamics for a long time! That is rather remarkable for a ten-year-old.

[enna]

I have learned that each grief is unique.  How difficult it must be for someone to have lost a special person or animal in his/her life. 

 The process of grief is complicated and involves many feelings: sadness, anger, anxiety, and guilt, just to name a few. It helps to talk about our grief.  You may be experiencing sadness while I’m experiencing guilt.  It doesn’t matter, what does matter is that we listen and show one another that we care.  

If Grief Could Speak  

[Widowedbysuicide]

Thank you ennA

Good information, I shared on my Facebook timeline.

Marita

Edited July 24, 2016 by Widowedbysuicide
Photo added

[enna]

Seeking Order in the Aftermath of Loss

http://www.whatsyourgrief.com/seeking-order-in-the-aftermath-of-loss/

[enna]

Bang the Drum: Eulogy for the Grieving by Mark Liebenow

http://www.rebellesociety.com/2016/07/26/markliebenow-drum/

[Widowedbysuicide]

I just read this article on the blog - http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/07/in-grief-coping-with-moms-toxic-behavior.html

Marty I had to choose the third option.  I think I will save the article and maybe even print it to give to people that continue to bully me about not being a good daughter.  

I tried for nearly 40 years to be a good daughter.  I guess I might have been more successful if I had a good mother.  Anytime I tried to stand up for myself I was accused of being mean, intimidating, and selfish.  The relationship became more and more difficult as I found that my son had been a recipient of her toxicity too. 

The lack of a decent mother - daughter relationship probably adds to the grief I feel.  

They say you don't miss what you've never had... I don't feel that way.  

Anyway, thank you Marty 

[MartyT]

I don't know who said you don't miss what you've never had, but it just doesn't ring true to me, Marita. Of course you will miss the mothering you never had. What is more, knowing what your mother didn't give you has made you more aware of what constitutes good mothering, and has made you a better mother to your own child.

[Widowedbysuicide]

Thank you Marty.

[kayc]

8 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

They say you don't miss what you've never had... I don't feel that way.  

I don't agree with that either.  I think you have that hole inside of you for missing it, but maybe it's more accurate to say you don't know the satisfaction of having had it until you HAVE had it.  I know that was true for me with love until I met my George.  My mom wasn't a very good mother either but I got blessed with a wonderful MIL, that helped.  

[enna]

This is one of my favorite poets and one of her poems. 

http://www.onbeing.org/blog/mary-oliver-reads-wild-geese/5966  

[enna]

I like this poem "KINDNESS" by Naomi Shihab Nye.  It is good to reflect on kindness today. The words to the poem are below the audio.

http://www.onbeing.org/program/naomi-shihab-nye-your-life-is-a-poem/extra/kindness/8724

[MartyT]

Beautiful, Anne. Thank you. I especially love this stanza:

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

[enna]

Yes, Marty, the stanza you quoted above is the one that touched me. I like to hear the poet recite their own words. 

[enna]

What people say...and what you hear. 

https://www.buzzfeed.com/laraparker/what-people-say-when-youre-grieving-vs-what-you-hear?utm_term=.ukoBYDEyN#.fspgZLpB3

[Clematis]

I hate it when people say those things...what are they thinking they are saying? I think a lot of the time they are trying to make themselves feel better by saying something that seems like "the right thing" but isn't. I was just talking to my dad's former next-door neighbor. We were talking about my dad's big old boat that is now my big old boat. I think it makes her sad to see his old car, which was up at my place in my carport while I was living at his place from January thru July. For now, his old car is back at his house where it is out of my way aside from an occasional spin. I have a feeling she knows someone who would be really happy to be able to buy an older car in great condition with low mileage for a low price. Sorry, I'm not giving it up...

In the middle of talking about his car she told me "he's in a better place now". My dad, not the car. She said it at least four times. I was trying hard to keep my mouth shut, but finally asked her if she had his address at his new place. Probably not the thing to say, but what is one supposed to say to these things? I'm sure my dad's former neighbor misses him and I am not a very good replacement. He was old and vulnerable and she was very sweet to him. I am significantly younger than she and yet I do not do what she tells me to do

[enna]

I found this a most interesting article by Kenneth Doka, PhD. from his book Grief Is A Journey.

http://www.oprah.com/inspiration/The-Kinds-of-Grief-Nobody-Talks-About

[MartyT]

Thank you for sharing this, Anne. I am in the process of reading Ken Doka's latest book (from which this article was adapted) and, like everything else Ken puts "out there," it is excellent. I know of no one who can come up with specific examples to drive home his points as well as Ken does. He is a magnificent therapist and an outstanding teacher.

[enna]

I agree with you, Marty. My book Grief is a Journey by Kenneth Doka is on its way from Amazon.  When I read it I'll give a review unless you do it before I finish reading the book.  

[enna]

Do NOT deny difficult emotions.

https://www.brainpickings.org/2015/05/14/oliver-jeffers-the-heart-and-the-bottle/