I Lost My Mother In January

[lesabre]

Hello and thank you so much for being here.

My mother was my best friend and we were very close. My parents had been married for 58 good yrs. We lived about a block away from them for the past 14 yrs. I am 53 yrs. old and my mother was 78 yrs. old when she died.

My mother had been sick with lung cancer and she had heart issues also. She fought to survive for the last two years. My mother never ever complained that she was in pain or uncomfortable even when I knew she should have been. She was always positive. Every single day she had a positive attitude even when things didn't look good for her. I don't think she or my father understood how serious and close to death my mother was. I once tried to talk to my Dad about it and he hushed me. He didn't want to talk about it. I assume that he felt that acknowledging it was accepting the inevitable and he didn't want to do that.

I was at work when my father called to tell me that my mom was having trouble breathing and that he had called EMS. I was able to get to their home in 10 minutes time. When I arrived, my mother was on the EMS stretcher with the paramedics all working on her. I went up to her and took her hand and told her I was there. Her eyes were focused and I could ever so slightly feel her try to squeeze my hand. The paramedics told me to move away and they continued to try to resuscitate my mother. I sat quietly on the couch with my father while we watched the traumatic dance that is resuscitation. It was really ugly and shocking! She actually did die and they managed to bring her back to life. It was at that point they transported my mother to the hospital.

At the hospital they continued to try to revive my mother. Finally they had us come back to where she was and I was so hurt to see the shape my mother was in. They asked us if we wanted them to continue....... I looked at my Dad and said no and he agreed. By that time my two children, husband, two brothers were physically there. We called the priest to give my mother her last rites. When the physician finally removed life support, it took my mother about 15 minutes to finally die. It was not a pleasant thing to watch. In fact it was heart wrenching and I thought it would never end.

My mother was the mother of five children. Two of my siblings were out of state. I always felt that we were a close family and my mother definitely was the matriarch. We all had the utmost respect for both of our parents. My father was an excellent husband and caretaker of my mother. He truly lived the "for better and for worse" part of his vows. My father would do anything he could do for my mother and his kids. We were very fortunate.

We had mom's funeral and laid her to rest. It seems the last few months of her life and probably the month after her death is a blur. I live close, so would stop in often to check on them. I helped clean their house and I brought them meals and brought them goodies. I visited with them, kept an eye out and went to doctor appointments with them.

I felt a huge responsibility to my father after everybody left. I had my dad come over for dinner every night. My husband and I offered for him to move in with us or if he wanted to park his RV on our property and build something he could do that too. He did think on the idea, and then decided that it would be a costly adventure to move his RV on our property. He never spoke of mom's death.

I have not been able to ask him how he is dealing with mom's death mainly because I cannot keep my act together just thinking about my mother. My dad will talk about his feelings some, but he will not dwell on them and doesn't understand others that do. Two weeks after my mother died, in the middle of winter and during a bad snow storm, he drove across the country in his RV to buy another RV! He told me that he decided he could either sit at home alone and "pout" or he could get up and do something. And do something he did! I had asked him after mom died to please not do anything big for at least a year and he agreed. I guess our ideas of what is big and what isn't are two different things! He is a grown man, can make his own decisions and he can afford it.

He was so proud of this new RV. And from talking to him it seemed that he was going to travel to meet other people and have something to do. That seemed reasonable to me.

Then one day when he came over for dinner maybe in March he asked me what I thought about him dating! He said he was lonely and would like a friend. I was so very shocked and really didn't know what to say, but I told him that I understood he was lonely and that I didn't want him to be lonely so it was okay with me. That is not how I really feel though. I didn’t want him lonely, but didn’t like the dating idea. He asked my husband and my husband told him the same thing I did, not that he agreed, but to support me. I had one brother that felt like me and wasn't thrilled about it and the other three were good with it.

My dad did not waste time getting online to meet women and he wasn't shy to tell me about it! It hurt me to hear about that and while I didn't tell him I didn't want to hear it, I think by not acting terribly interested or asking questions he got the hint. The most nerve-wracking thing of my day was to check to see if my dad still had his wedding ring on every evening he came for dinner. He did.

It wasn't long before he decided to go on another trip in his RV. To make a long story short he ended up asking my aunt to go with him. This aunt was married to my mother’s brother. My uncle had died 4 yrs. prior. I actually thought that was a great idea and thought they would be good travel buddies. Buddies are exactly what I had in mind. ONLY.

It was only a couple of weeks and we get a phone call from my dad and my aunt telling me they were "close". It took me a while to understand just what "close" meant. Now I know and I don't like this either! They have been inseparable. Travelling and staying at each other’s houses that are in different states. They spoke to a neighbor who is an attorney for some legal advice. I'm sure that has to do with them getting married. I just know it. My mom only died 1/30/14.

I know I sound like I am five. I am 53 yrs. old! I just cannot wrap my head around my dad being with anyone else. I have nothing against this aunt, I love her! But I do not like seeing them together at all. She sits in my mother’s chair. Sleeps on my mother’s side of the bed. We recently went to a family wedding and guess who my father was with? They are at my father’s house right now and have my aunt’s sister and husband over spending the weekend going out doing fun things. It is upsetting to me!

I finally figured out what exactly I don't like about all of this. Every time I see my aunt with my dad in any situation, I cry. I cry because it's my mom that should be by him. I cry because I feel like my mom is being erased. Her things are being moved and put aside. I can't go to my dad's house anymore and feel like I am home because it just doesn't feel right and I don't hear my mom say "hi de do!" when I walk in the door. I can't talk to my dad about anything because my aunt is always there and I don't want to talk to him like I would have if my mom was there. I feel like I don't know my dad anymore. I never thought he would do this so fast. I not only lost my mom, I feel like I lost my family too. My two brothers that live here don't go to my dad's and they don't call him, nor do they call me. I think I am the only one of us five kids that is feeling so horrible about all this. I just cannot get over it. I cry every single dang day! It's causing me trouble. I don't see my dad and when I talk to him all I want to do is cry. I don't feel like I can tell him because he would feel badly and he would tell my aunt and I don't think it's fair for me to lay my burdens on them. I know this is mine to deal with but I am not doing a good job at all. My husband is clueless and I am basically on my own to get thru this. I did go to my family doctor and started taking an anti-depressant although I don't think it is strong enough because I have been bawling my eyes out typing this.

Please tell me it is normal for me to feel this way. Please tell me I will get over this. Please tell me how to do it.

I am attaching a picture of my mother and me. This was taken on mothers day last year. I love her so much!

[enna]

First of all, I'd like to say how very sorry I am that you lost your mother. The picture shows a great deal of love. Your loss is still so very fresh. I am sorry that you had to go through so much trauma during those last hours at the hospital when they were working on your mother.

There are many articles that you can read about mother loss and I think you will find these two helpful:

http://www.opentohope.com/cant-think-of-mom-without-crying/

http://www.selfhealingexpressions.com/death_parent.shtml

We have two very knowledgeable counselors here who will be able to guide you to other articles that may help you with your feelings about your dad and how to cope with the loss of your dear mother.

Anne

[kayc]

I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. You were fortunate to have a good mom and so many years with her...but that leaves a hole in your heart as big as the loving relationship you shared and I well know it. I lost my husband nine years ago and nothing fills that void.

You want to know if your feelings are normal...yes they are very normal. I have a friend whose mom passed and her dad remarried a month later. Her dad passed shortly thereafter and her "stepmom" wouldn't even let her have her mom's dishes! At least your dad is seeing an attorney so it sounds like he's trying to look out for you kids. My FIL started dating a month after mom passed...they'd been married over forty years, it was real tough for us to watch. Within one month he said he was "in love"! We balked for a long time and they never did marry (she didn't want to) but they were good companion/friends for many years and we developed a good relationship with her. She did not replace mom (my MIL was the mom I always wanted, my best friend), but she did make his years left more meaningful and less lonely. A part of me is glad that they never married, but I realize that is selfish thinking because he would have loved to have had her as his wife. It was just less complicated this way.

I can attest that the pain and loneliness left by losing your spouse is very near unbearable. He is trying to stop that gap, and of course while it would be wiser for him to go more slowly and wait a couple of years, sometimes older folks feel they don't have a couple of years. The very fact that he lost his wife attests to that.

I know you can't change him or his mind, and to try to might further alienate you from him. You can maybe tell him the things that concern you and give him a chance to address that, but beyond that, it's up to you whether or not you choose to accept his choices and embrace him in his last years. It's hard, I know.

I do hope for the best in your continued relationship with your father and with your aunt. My heart goes out to you.

[MartyT]

My dear, I’m so sorry to learn of the death of your mother this past January, and my heart goes out to you.

The feelings you’re having toward your dad in the aftermath of your mother’s death are understandable. When one parent dies and the remaining parent begins dating someone else, it can be very hard for the adult child to accept, no matter how soon after the death it occurs. Partly that is because you may be feeling a need to remain loyal to your mother and respectful of her memory, and you may be worried that your father will cease to remember and love this irreplaceable person you both have lost.

It may be helpful for you to keep in mind that you and your father are grieving very different losses, and the relationships you had with the person who died are very different too. Your father has lost his spouse, while you have lost a parent. You say your parents were married for 58 good years (from your perspective) but however your father reacts to your mother’s death depends on many, many different factors, some of which you may not even be aware of.

In her insightful book Fatherless Women: How We Change After We Lose Our Dads, author Clea Simon observes that daughters of the newly widowed sometimes have trouble “balancing the real vulnerability of our newly single mothers with respect for them as adults.” While her focus is on "newly single mothers," I believe that many of her observations can apply to "newly single fathers" as well. She writes:

Accepting and encouraging our mothers’ independence can be awkward for us . . . . Particularly in the social arena, we are not usually accustomed to seeing our mothers as women. We knew them as our mothers, not as fellow adults who raised us, who worked in the house or out to keep a family together. We do not usually picture them as women like ourselves, as partners enjoying or leaving relationships, as people like us who have lived with the mixed consequences of their actions. Unless our mothers had been alone for a long time before the death of our fathers, we tended to see them as part of a unit, as teamed with our fathers (or stepfathers or partners) in their roles as our mothers, not as women. Now fate conspires to show us the other faces of our mothers, and makes this time full of discovery for us both. For many of us, this can be an uncomfortable transition. If our mothers start dating, for example, we have to accept them as sexual beings. If we have not faced it before, we are now confronted with the reality that the tight parental unit – the monolith of parental support, discipline, and security that protected our childhood – was comprised of two humans, one of whom is now single and lonely as we have ever been. Some of us may experience this discovery as a betrayal . . . After the death of a parent, particularly a father, this . . . may become most pronounced when a widowed mother becomes sexually active again . . . (Fatherless Women: How We Change After We Lose Our Dads, by Clea Simon, John Wiley & Sons, NY, 2001, pp. 140-142).

There simply are no hard and fast rules for deciding when the time is right (or wrong) for a widowed person to begin dating or falling in love with someone new. For some it may be several years while for others it’s only a matter of months. But in the end, it is up to the individual to decide if and when he is ready to love again, and it is not our place to make that determination for him.

To gain a clearer understanding of what your father may be experiencing as a newly widowed person, it may help you to read what other widows have to say about dating and remarriage. See, for example, some of the excellent books you can find online or through your local library, such as Widow to Widow by Genevieve Davis Ginsburg, or PAST: Perfect! PRESENT: Tense! Insights From One Woman’s Journey As The Wife Of A Widower by Julie Donner Andersen.

I also encourage you to get some help with all of this by talking to a therapist or professional bereavement counselor, so that your own feelings about losing your mother and your current difficulties with your dad can be expressed, worked through and resolved. You may have no control over how your father chooses to lives his life in the wake of your mother’s death, but with help you can find more effective ways to manage your own reactions and get on with your own life. Your community library or your local mental health association will have good grief counseling referral lists, or you can use the Yellow Pages of your telephone directory to call your local hospital or hospice. Ask to speak with the Bereavement Coordinator, Social Worker, or Chaplain’s Office to get a local grief referral. You sound like a wonderful, caring daughter who truly loves her father. I hope you will think of a few sessions with a grief counselor as a gift you can give to yourself, and I hope you will follow through with it.

[lesabre]

Thank you all so much! It feels good to know that someone is listening and understands what I am going through. I had a procedure done today and my father drove me as I needed an escort. I am glad he did, although that awful fear of crying my eyes out came to fruition. He asked me how I was doing and because I cannot lie or "color" a story, I told him that I was not handling mom's death very well at all. He said he knew it. He knew mom and I were very close. I told him how when I saw him with my aunt, it upset me because mom should be there with him. He told me he understood and that mom IS still there. She will always be with us. He also told me that he is not trying to replace my mom nor is my aunt as that cannot be done. I told him I felt like I had lost my family and he said you have, as you knew it. Life has changed for all of us and it has. I asked him not to share what I had told him with my aunt as I do not want to hurt her. This is mine to get over. Nobody can talk me out of it. Its work I have to do myself. He did tell me that my aunt wants to talk to me alone. OMG, I really don't want to do that. While I love her, she is not someone I have ever gone to with a problem in my life and I really don't want to spread all my upset with everyone!

On another note, I did call my doctor and asked for an increase in the anti-depressant I have been taking since my mother died. I don't think I can ever get thru this or get my life together if I don't stop this damn crying! lol

I am really glad that I had to chance to talk freely to my dad. I hope I didn't add to his hurt, but he has always been one to honor honesty.

Thank you again!

Donna

A picture of my parents celebrating their 58th wedding anniversary

[kayc]

Thank you for sharing a picture of your parents, your mom is beautiful! 58 years together, few can boast that! They must have had a great marriage to weather all that life holds.

What your dad said is true, one person doesn't supplant another. It's very hard on men to be alone, many do look for someone right away because they just can't face life alone. My husband always said he'd never marry again, but in reality, I think he would try to find someone, although none would be his "little one" as he always called me. As it was, it was me that had to face life alone because he died prematurely.

Sometimes I think we just have to face life however we can because it sure sends surprises (understatement) and knocks us for a loop. I understand your not wanting to talk alone with your aunt, maybe if you just hear what she wants to say, there won't be a lot for you to have to say in response. I'm sure she just wants to assure you that she knows she can't replace your mom and isn't trying to. Sometimes it's enough for people just to have someone to do things with and not have to face the holidays alone, and it's easiest done with someone who knows them already.

I'm glad you got help from your doctor and that you had a chance to talk to your dad. Good luck to you...this will take some time but the first step was taken and I'm sure your relationship will remain with your dad...honesty is a good core base.