Smudgie Posted June 14, 2014 Report Share Posted June 14, 2014 I wrote this last night, am I going nuts? I wished upon a star last night I wished and wished with all my might But nothing changed for me today my pain and tears are here to stay The soul has gone that lit my life as in my heart is plunged a knife This dark will never go away I have to try and live each day No hope, no love, no point to be I really wish I wasn't me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 14, 2014 Report Share Posted June 14, 2014 Dear Smudgie, Your poem is not at all crazy nor are you. These thoughts are very normal and expressed by many many grieving people including myself at one point. The bottom falls out of our lives when we lose some one we love. The dark becomes lighter with time and work. And we begin to to create other reasons to be. I urge you to do so e reading about grief so you can better understand it. That knowledge will help you on this journey. You might consider going to Marty's site and read some of what is there about loss. When I get on my other computer I will send some links but in the meantime try searching www.griefhealingblog.com I will return. Having some PC problems today. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 14, 2014 Report Share Posted June 14, 2014 Dear Smudgie Here is a link to a brief it good discussion on grief. It is a good start. Do go to Marty's site, however. Also ww.grief toolbox.com is a good site. http://www.griefhealing.com/column-understanding-the-grief-process.htm I am so sorry for your loss. I have and am traveling that path having lost my husband four years ago. It is a tough journey;one we take one day at a time as we also take care of ourselves, read, educate ourselves, and slowly deal with the waves of grief that come in. Peace Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 17, 2014 Report Share Posted June 17, 2014 Smudgie, That is a very beautifully written poem, I hope others come here and read it because it so aptly depicts what we've all felt. Very beautiful. I'm sorry it's so hard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smudgie Posted June 17, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 17, 2014 Thank you Kay, I have had some bad times in my life but nothing comes remotely close to how I feel now. Just getting through each day is so hard as time appears to have slowed down, I just try to make it to the night so I can sleep and forget for a while. And thank you Mary for your information, the only things in my grief toolbox at the moment are Xanax, Zoloft and vicodin which I use sparingly as I am not an addictive personality. My problems are compounded by chronic illness (CFS) I have been on disability for 21 years when I had to grieve for the loss of my former life and activities. That is how I found my Soulmate who had the same disease although I lived in UK and she lived in the US which is where I am now. We spent every day of the past 12 years together and now there is nothing. I just sit around the condo on my own with no purpose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 17, 2014 Report Share Posted June 17, 2014 You have already learned some coping tools if you've had CFS that long, that can be applied to your situation today. Just like getting through this day, one day at a time. I think our sense of purpose is the hardest thing to find, I still struggle with that...to find purpose is to find meaning in life. Good luck to you on your journey, I hope you'll continue to come here and that this place will be as healing to you as it has been to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted June 17, 2014 Report Share Posted June 17, 2014 Dear Smudgie, I am so sorry for your loss. I don't think there is any "good" way to go through this grief and feelings of entire emptiness. I recall being surprised that I was still showing signs of life such as breathing and walking, when my heart felt so very dead and my spirit was crushed into darkness. This grief journey takes a lot of work and time. I don't think there is any way to make it easy. I am glad that Mary directed you to some links. As you wander around this site and read about how others have learned tools to help them through this time, please also remember to take care of the logistics of being human, such as eating well, resting enough, having some social support and emotional support. I hope you have or can find a grief counselor. I liked what Kay said about finding meaning to life. I think we all trust that meaning is out there, and we all know that right now, a part of our meaning is to learn to walk with this loss and the grief, and to remain here and find ways to slowly, carefully, with great compassion for our own tender and broken hearts, learn to enter life again. It is certainly all baby steps. This is a good place, around Marty's fire. There are caring and helpful people, offering support, wisdom, kindness, concern, and loving compassion. I am glad you found us, although I am so sorry for the reason. Blessings to you. feralfae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 17, 2014 Report Share Posted June 17, 2014 And thank you Mary for your information, the only things in my grief toolbox at the moment are Xanax, Zoloft and vicodin which I use sparingly as I am not an addictive personality. You are quite welcome. If you go to Marty's blog and the whole website you will find an endless amount of information. There are many websites like GriefToolbox.com. Marty also has a list of books you can read. Educating yourself is just so helpful. People here, of course, have so much information for you also. I urge you to set a few small goals each day instead of just sitting around the condo. Things like journaling, reading articles on the internet, making a pot of soup if you can, maybe call a friend. Just set a few tiny goals so you are not just sitting. Not sure how much walking you can do but getting outside even to sit and get some sun would be good also. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smudgie Posted January 25, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 25, 2015 Hi all, I am still here just about and still writing stuff. Am still composing the music on my guitar when I feel up to it. The End Of All Things A moment in time The only one This is now and then its gone This hell will go Then peace will come Where there was pain there will be none Your face I see your voice on the phone Your presence I feel at night all alone The love that we had when we exchanged rings we will meet again at the end of all things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted January 25, 2015 Report Share Posted January 25, 2015 Hello Smudgie,Wow, great poem, and especially powerful last stanza. Thank you for sharing and it is so good to see you here, and to know that your creativity is returning, re-awakening, and expressing. If you decide to make this into a video with your music, please let us know the link.It is good to hear from you. How are you doing? I hope you are journaling and writing lots of music and poetry. I hope you are eating well, and getting out in the sunshine and air for a while each day. Well, um, I hope you are following Mary's advice ^ above.Congratulations on your poem. I like it.*<twinkles>*fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 25, 2015 Report Share Posted January 25, 2015 Writing for you seems to be a healthy outlet and a very positive way of expressing what is in your heart. On a wing and a prayer I'm sure your poems are heard! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smudgie Posted January 26, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 26, 2015 Thank you Fae for your kind words and I am doing what I can to be creative as it has occurred to me that I have to live now for my wife as well as myself. I live alone with my cat and do not get out much as my illness prevents me from doing many things that I want, like a walk in the woods or a long drive and I don't even get to paint very much which I love. Kay, yes it is the only way I have of expressing my feelings and to try to dissipate my pent up emotions, a safety valve blows occasionally. Peace and love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 27, 2015 Report Share Posted January 27, 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted January 27, 2015 Report Share Posted January 27, 2015 I hope that perhaps you can find a way to have some company over sometimes, or get out and join friends for a meal. Contact with other people can be very helpful when we are grieving. Peace to your heart, and thank you for sharing your creativity with us. *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jame57 Posted March 3, 2015 Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 Smudgie, Your poetry is very good but The first one from last June is so powerful it had me in tears. So very sad but oh so true. Keep writing and sharing them on here please. You have a gift. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smudgie Posted April 22, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 22, 2015 A years gone by, so all alone The worst one I have ever known My karmic sins must have been great To seal me to this awful fate Was this of my own accord ? Should I fall upon my sword? Or continue as this dying husk Until I slowly fade into the dusk Not for me will love transcend Until I reach my bitter end Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted April 22, 2015 Report Share Posted April 22, 2015 Hello Smudgie,I think your words above could sum up what many of us have felt, that sense of 'why me?' What have I done that this pain should be visited on my heart? Am I being punished? Why can't this pain lessen?When we have loved deeply, we grieve deeply. After three years, I am only beginning to feel hope and that life might be all right again. Some days are very rough, and yet, each day I hold on, keep my faith, and believe that things can and will get better, I seem to feel a little lighter, the pain seems to soften a little bit, and more of the dark shadows lift.Grief can pull us in to places of great sadness, helplessness, and hopelessness. But, our love and our beautiful memories can lift us up from those places into a space of more light and beauty. Please try to remember the beauty of the days you have had, and know that beauty is possible for you again. Just hang on, and keep taking very good care of yourself, while being as compassionate and loving to yourself as you can. Life does get better. Open the door a tiny bit, and have a little faith that something good might enter your life today. Just take it one day at a time, and if you need to, take it one hour at a time.Your poetry is expressive and I think everyone here who reads it can relate to your feelings of how empty and painful it can be, even after a year. Have patience with yourself, and slowly, life will get easier.Blessings to you,fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted April 22, 2015 Report Share Posted April 22, 2015 Smudgie, It does take more than a year to find a "new normal", in other words, adjust to our new "life without". Your poetry aptly depicts not only how you feel but how so many of us have felt. I'm glad you're able to write, it helps! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted April 22, 2015 Report Share Posted April 22, 2015 Smudgie, your words certainly convey the emotions many of us are feeling in a very eloquent way. Thank you for posting that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smudgie Posted June 13, 2015 Author Report Share Posted June 13, 2015 Mind Out Of Time As I lay wrapped in the gentle darkness with infinite sadness my muddled thoughts chase each other around my head Another day has gone They pass so slowly as the seasons fly by Too late the time too late for me This then the price of love had I been forewarned still I would pay gladly Though often times the pain is much greater than my broken heart can bear Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted June 13, 2015 Report Share Posted June 13, 2015 I really like your poetry. Thank you for sharing. "This then the price of love had I been forewarned still I would pay gladly" I for one would gladly love my Jim all over again for our love was worth it. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 13, 2015 Report Share Posted June 13, 2015 Beautifully written! I, too, agree..there is no way I would have missed one moment of our love, even though the price is the continual pain and emptiness in my heart forever after. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smudgie Posted June 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted June 15, 2015 Thank you Kay and Enna, I try to express my feelings when I have the urge and jot down the words in a couple of minutes. I know that all of us who have lost soulmates will feel the same way, it must be some sort of universal constant. It is a sad fact that almost 50% of all people who have soulmates will have to go through this at some point in their lives, thankfully a lot of these will experience it when they are very old and have had many happy years , although the sadness must be the same whatever age we have to face it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 16, 2015 Report Share Posted June 16, 2015 You're so right. I am very, very glad though that my George did not have to go through this, so in that sense I am glad I am the one so I can spare him the pain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smudgie Posted June 30, 2015 Author Report Share Posted June 30, 2015 Like all of us here sharing our experiences, I am going through this evolution of my grief from the first raw terrible days and weeks to "settling in" for the long haul. To those who say, you must be over it by now its been x amount of time, I would use the analogy imagine your partner has gone away on business or for the military, you would miss them terribly and the longer that they were gone, the more they would be missed. This is what losing someone is like, the feelings of disbelief and panic may have quieted down but you miss them even more the longer that they are gone. Peace and hope Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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