Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

I'm So Lost....


Recommended Posts

My cousin died mother's day weekend. We're both only children, so we're more like siblings than anything. I've been calling him my brother since I was old enough to know we were related.

He'd had his problems and had worked through them and was turning his life around. A friend of his called needing someone to bail him out of jail. D went and on the way was in a single car, fatal accident. We don't know yet what caused it and it doesn't really matter.

I am so lost. From the moment I got the news I've been spinning. I've lost close friends before, that was nothing. I keep trying to just ignore this so I don't have a complete meltdown. I know that's not good, but it's the only way I'm "coping" (or not coping). I barely made it through the services. I'm trying to be strong for his friends and I'm learning more about him than I ever knew. That he thought more of me than I ever knew. He wasn't even 40. We were supossed to have more time. This was supossed to happen when we were old, not now. We were just getting to know each other as adults and it was all ripped away.

I don't know what to do....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am so sorry for your loss. I have a cousin close in age to me and I feel the same way, we were like sisters, all the more so since our sisters were not close in age to us. I can only imagine how much you will miss him, it's so unfair to have someone yanked away at such a young age.

Have you thought of trying a grief support group? It helps to have people that understand and are there too.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My dear, I too am so sorry to learn of the tragic death of your cousin, and you have my heartfelt sympathy.

You say you're "trying to be strong for his friends" and "keep trying to just ignore this so I don't have a complete meltdown." I want to suggest to you that it takes far more energy trying to keep your feelings in check than it does to acknowledge and express them, provided that you are among supportive others who are familiar with significant loss, and who are willing and able to listen to your story. I can assure you that you will find such people here ~ people who will listen to your story without judgment and validate your grief.

Yesterday, in another thread (Talking Heals), one of our members posted an excellent piece that I hope you will take time to read, as I think it conveys a message that would be of great benefit to you:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am so sorry for your loss. As you said it is like losing a sibling. You said, "I don't know what to do". That is a common feeling following a loss because your world just changed and it is shocking. In grief we learn to take one day at a time and during each of those days take care of yourself...good nutrition, water, sleep, exercise so that you have the energy to deal with your grief. Grief is exhausting so you need to take your best self into this journey. The next thing is to allow yourself to grieve which means allowing your pain and tears and feelings; perhaps journaling. It also means doing some reading to educate yourself about grief. Most of us are ill informed about what is normal and what is not normal in grief. Here are some links from Marty's wonderful website:

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/12/understanding-and-managing-grief_22.html

There are many links on this page and I urge you to read many of the articles they point to.

Finally, you came to the right place because folks here know grief and will help you through it. So do come back.

Peace to your heart,

Mary

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am just now reading your post and I want to say how very sorry I am that you have lost a cousin who was very special to you.

You grief is like raw meat right now and it will take time for you to process all that has happened. When we first lose someone very close to us we go into a protected mode. Gradually, you will work your way through the emotions you have and learn how to live with this ‘new’ normal you are faced with now that your cousin is no longer with you.

You said that you didn’t know what to do. You are here ~ this is a good place to start. There are those who will offer help by directing you to material to read to help you better understand this grief and all of us will listen because we all have been where you are now.

Talk about your cousin. Talk about your feelings when you are ready. Read about grief. And most importantly, know that you are not alone.

Anne

Link to comment
Share on other sites

m trying to be strong for his friends and talk more to them because I am getting no support from my friends. We don't live in the same town, so none of my friends knew him. I have one friend who checks on me, but that's about it. So I'm trying to be that person for -his- friends, even knowing that they all have the support system I need.

A good friend of mine lost her younger sister, who had a similar story 2 months before I went through it. She's told me that the best advoce she got was to "redefine what makes a good day". I've done that. Good days now are days when I don't cry that much.

Like I said in my original post, I've lost good friends (suicide, car accident & murder) and nothing hurts like this. I just don't really want to deal with it yet. If that makes sense.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't think you need to try to be strong. You've suffered a huge loss and need to take care of YOU. Let your friends know what you are going through. They don't have to know him to know you are suffering. I hope you will seek out a grief support group so you will find others going through the same thing that will understand...nothing like a hug from someone who understands. Yes it makes sense, none of us wanted to deal with our losses, it's been the hardest journey of our lives. Today marks nine years since my precious husband died...he was my heart and soul.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Good luck to you, let us know how it goes!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So glad you are going to spend some time talking to a grief counselor.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

I didn't want to start a new topic, so I'll just post here.

We are going down to mom's hometown (where he lived) in a couple weeks for the first time since the accident and everything that followed. I'm nervous how it's going to go. I'm meeting a friend of his and his girlfriend and I'm ready for that, just not the rest of it. I wasn't ready to leave when we did and I don't know how going back is going to be. Sleeping in the bed at my grandma's and just being there. I don't even know if his house will still be there (my aunt & uncle are talking about demolishing it).
Any advice?


I also had a horrible dream about him last night and can't get it out of my head (he was visiting me and OD'd in front of me....in reality, he'd had his issues with addiction, but was clean at the end)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Have you met with the grief counselor yet and how did it go?

If you are concerned about sleeping at your grandma's, could you stay in a hotel or with his girlfriend?

I know it's hard having changes...my mom lived in her house for 59 years and had to be moved to a dementia care facility two years ago so we had to sell her house to pay for her care. It is so hard to see it and know I won't be in it again, her and my dad built it when I was a baby.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I haven't talked to her yet. She was supossed to call me last week and hasn't yet. (she lives in California, I'm in Illinois)

We may have to stay in a hotel if we can't get boarding for the dog, which would be just fine with me.

I've kind of dealt with the "new" house thing after my granddad died and my grandma moved out of their house. In a town of 6,000 it's hard to avoid things like that, but his house is behind the family business and just off the main street so it's right there. I don't want anyone else living there, but I don't want to not see it there either. It's a weird feeling.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah, I get that. Keep us posted!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...