Mom And Dad

[Sweetgirl5]

I always counted myself lucky because up until now (I am 25), I hadn't lost anyone close to me. Both my parents were mainly in good health. So I didn't have any worries about them. Well back in March, I got a call from my brother that my dad was rushed to the hospital. I later found out that he had an aortic aneurysm. He went through surgery that day, but his chances were slim that he would even make it much past the surgery. He didn't, he died that evening. My parents had been divorced for 20 years, but my mom made sure to be there for me and my brother. My mom was my favorite person in the world, and I remember she could not leave me anytime soon. On Father's Day this year I decided to stay home this year and do nothing for it. My mom was heading to my grandparents/her parents that were about an hour away. I got a call later that day from the state police telling me they needed to speak with me. They wouldn't tell me over the phone what was going on, and I had to go meet up with them. A 16 year old had lost control of his truck, and hit my mom's small car head on. She died on impact. I have been going on with my life, but there are times that it hurts so much that they are gone. I keep hoping I will wake up from this awful nightmare. But I know it's real. People keep telling me they are so proud of how strong I have been, I think I am afraid if I broke down I wouldn't be able to come back from it. I have had anxiety problems all my life, and my mom always help me through those. I have had some very bad times with it. So I am afraid if I don't stay strong, my anxiety will get really bad. I won't have her to help me get through it. So I don't know if I am really as strong about all this as people say I am.

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry to learn that both your parents have died, especially when you yourself are so young. Please know that you have our heartfelt sympathy.

This fear you describe of "breaking down" is not unusual, and certainly understandable in your case if, as you say, you've struggled with anxiety all your life, and always knew that you could turn to your mom to help you through.

If you've had little or no experience with significant loss and the grief that follows, the reactions you have can be quite frightening. Grief can leave you feeling very "crazy," and you may worry that having a so-called "mental breakdown" is just around the corner. I can assure you, though, that grief is a normal reaction to losing someone you love dearly ~ and you've lost not just one, but both your parents ~ one quite recently and both quite suddenly and unexpectedly. Is it any wonder that you feel so traumatized in the wake of these monumental events? To think that you can find your way through all of this all by yourself is neither realistic nor necessary. I hope you'll consider meeting with a grief counselor who specializes in traumatic loss, just to help you make some sense of what has happened and what you can do to manage it.

I invite you to read two articles that I hope will offer you some practical information about this fear of "falling apart," including some suggestions to help you manage anxiety:

Facing Another Funeral Without Falling Apart

Anxiety Attacks in Grief: Tools for Coping

[sinc86]

I am so sorry for the loss of both of your parents in such a short time. I too have that fear of breaking down, along with problems with anxiety since my mom died. I too was told how strong I was .... until I broke down, of course. I think breaking down (as in crying) is a very normal reaction in the grieving process....and there is no time limit on the grieving process. A few weeks ago, I cried for hours....the outlet was good and for me, a step to the next phase of healing (It's been 10 months since Mom died).

For anxiety, what I've found helpful is putting on soothing music and also reading. It's also important not to isolate yourself, but to reach out to good friends and family. Talking with a pastor or a grief counselor is also very helpful.

My heart goes out to you in your losses. Keep coming here....I only found this place a few weeks ago, but have found people to be so insightful, caring, and understanding.

[kayc]

I am so sorry you lost your dad and now your mom too. It's very hard at such a young age, when you feel you still need them. My mom was mentally ill so I wasn't close to her...now she has Dementia, but it was my dad I always felt something special with. I lost him when I was 29 and pregnant with my first child. I know it's hard going through life with them missing out on important things, he didn't get to see my son graduate from high school as Valedictorian, or serve in the Air Force, getting top honors, or graduate from college Cumma Sum Laude as Senior of the Year with two degrees in engineering. He didn't get to be bowled over by my daughter's dimples and terrific personality. He missed so much. I like to think he's still aware though, that he knows what's going on, and is just unable to physically come and talk to us. Someday we'll be together again and my kids can get to know him. I hope you will know, when you have important things in your life, that you carry your parents inside of you and they are still a part of you and your family, and you'll be with them again.

[mfh]

Dear Sweetgirl, I am so very sorry to learn of your losses. Losing our parents is hard enough without losing both of them just months apart and suddenly. I am sorry.

I do understand your fears of "breaking down" but with grief we do need to shed our tears and feel our pain. Doing so is healing. I am hoping you will act on Marty's suggestion of seeing a grief counselor. You might call your local Hospice to get a name of someone trained in grief counseling. We all need support when we grieve and though you will get lots of that here on this wonderful site, nothing can replace sitting down face to face with someone as you deal with these huge losses.

When you feel up to it, would you like to share more about your family? Is your brother nearby and can you share this pain with him? Do you have supportive friends?

You have found a good place here and many members will respond to you in time and support you. We all know grief well.

[feralfae]

Dear Sweetgirl,

I am so very sorry to hear that you have lost both your parents so suddenly and in such a short time. Of course you are grieving and in shock, as well as having all those emotions overwhelming you. I hope you have a good counselor already, or can find one who can help you with your grief and anxiety. This is such a blow to anyone, but you are young and unprepared for such tremendous and terrible losses so close together. I hope you have lots of supportive people around you. You might check to find out if there is a grief support group in your area, as well as a grief counselor.

Meanwhile, I hope thou have close friends or relatives who can be with you and give you some comfort and emotional support. I am so sorry for these tragic losses. I can only imagine how difficult this time is for you, and I hope you will come here often, find some support for your grief, and let us know how you are doing.

Warmest wishes and Blessings,

feralfae

[enna]

Your story of losing both parents has touched my heart. I am so sorry. I offer you hugs and a listening ear, dear one.

Anne

[Sweetgirl5]

Thank you all for the kind words. I have had some very supportive friends who have been absolutely amazing. My brother is 4 years older than me, but he is an alcoholic and has a bad temper. We are complete opposites on how we view life. He doesn't make the right choices and makes things more stressful. He just wants everyone to help him. I tried at first to try and have a better relationship with him, but he is never going to change. I have been looking into counseling, it is just trying to find the right person and groups. I am glad I found this place, and hope to talk to y'all more.

[mfh]

I am glad you have some supportive friends and sad about your brother. You can not change another person nor can you make him see the light about his alcoholic behavior. Take care of yourself right now. If you are near a Hospice, give them a call regarding trained grief counselors. They will know. I am glad you are going to look into counseling.

[kayc]

Sweetgirl5, you are wise to realize your brother's situation and not let it drag you down. There are those who've made it out of alcoholic and even anger infested lives and changed, but of course, it's up to them as we can't change them. I'm glad you're going to look for a counselor to help you sort through all this.