Empty

[misshim]

I have lost my brother. We were cut from the same cloth. He was to be part of my future as he was my past. I am having trouble with the trauma of his death. The shock. I can't seem to get past it. There are triggers. When a memory triggers the horror of that night I relive it over and over. It is like it is happening again. I can't sleep. I am afraid to sleep. The farm he loved, we purchased. At first it gave me a way to care for him, to honor him, now I don't want to go there. It looks dark in the windows. It is empty inside. I feel empty inside. I feel guilty for not wanting to go there. I am so very tired. So very sad. And feel so very alone. I long for the life I used to have. The one with my parents, my brother and the farm they loved. Now they are all gone. And I am alone. How do you live after losing your entire family?

I am like my Mom and brother. They loved life, so did I. I don't know how to live not loving life without them. It gets harder everyday just to get up and put one foot in front of the other. When I do I only feel mechanical. I know my brother would want me to be who I was, who we were but I was excited and interested in life because they were in it with me. They were a big part of the ingredients to who I was and the life I lived. How can you bake up a wonderful slice of life when half the ingredients are missing?

[enna]

Dear Sandra,

I am so very sorry that you are feeling overwhelmed by the trauma of finding your brother as you did such a short time ago.. Of course these memories are haunting you. Of course you feel so alone and are missing him. And of course you can’t go to the farm right now. The reality of all this is starting to surface and you are frozen. Grief does that to us. It is early in your grief and reality is starting to set in for you.

I do not know what counseling services you have in your area but it would be good to talk with a grief counselor to help you sort things out. You cannot grieve such trauma as you have endured alone. This is very early for you and talking with someone can help you sort out these feelings you are having ~ which are all normal in grief.

I am sorry you are in such pain.

This is a safe place to share your story and there are many here who listen. Sometimes it is good to verbalize our feelings to help us not feel so all alone.

That love you have had for life will return to you. I shall hold you in my heart.

Anne

[kayc]

Sandra,

Is there someone else that could handle taking care of the farm right now to bide you some time until you know what you want to do with it? It's usually recommended not to make big decisions/changes in the first year, I'd give it even longer, but sometimes money and time can force our hand sooner.

You do still have your husband, right? You are feeling the loss of connectivity with your birth family, parents and brother. That is the part of us that tells us who we came from and that shaped and molded who we are, and it is a hard loss to process. I, like Anne, hope you will seek grief counseling. Also, a support group where there are others that have had similar losses and can understand. It is a long journey, this grief journey, and we must commit to the process if we hope to endure through this. I hope you will continue to come here and express yourself. With time and effort I was able to carry my husband, that I lost nine years ago, in my heart. It is different, but he is still a part of me, and I hope you'll find that true for yourself as well.

[misshim]

Actually, it has been almost one year. I don't want to talk about the date. It would have been better for me to have been given some time. I live right on my brother's farm in a close little community. We all suffer. But family wanted things done immediately. Most don't live so close so they have no idea the horror. Others who live closer were not as close to him. In fact in my family there is no crying, there is anger instead. Most are much to weak to cry. I am a funny gal, I like things to get done. I have this idea that I have lost, I ache, I move on, NOW. It doesn't work that way, no matter how I try I cannot outrun this gut wrenching, nauseating emptiness. I am not like my family, neither was my brother, which is probably why we were so close. We understood things. Like what matters most. It isn't day to day minushia. I am frustrated at myself for being so demanding about getting on with it. It's like there is a war going on inside sense vs non-sense. I well know that with this trauma I may never be the same and understand that but angry at myself for being to devastated to carry on. Silly isn't it. Nothing makes sense anymore. Sorry about the spelling, I have Lupus and it is not good right now, it causes neurological issues like memory, so sometimes I can't remember how to spell or words.

[kayc]

I don't think we ARE ever the same again when we've experienced a loss this deep. Instead we have to learn how to live with this (what they call) "new normal". That is, what our reality is now. And we are different for it.