10 Months In To This "new Normal"

[JeL]

I'm starting a new thread because I feel stuck emotionally and I need some wisdom here. You all will say 10 months is too soon to feel normal after the death of a spouse after 31 years of marriage; of course I get that.....my heart lives that daily. Yet I feel stuck trying to work ahead towards my new normal.

Fred & I lovingly understood how we would support each other if/when natural death came. His time came first...5 weeks from diagnosis to death. Fast cancer. I wasn't ready for that speed but I honored it. We were brave together last year at this time... August & Sept last year were blurs.

I get it (but family & friends don't get it) that from now into September will be extra-sad for me because it's the first anniversary of Fred's end of life diagnosis & death. I talk about him in conversations, no one else but me mentions him. Can they really all have forgotten him so soon? Or are they trying to spare me more heartache?

Defining a "new normal"....how do you approach it?

Jo

[mfh]

Dear Jo,

I believe you are experiencing what so many here have experienced in regards to friends and family "getting it". People move on with their lives and we who grieve hopefully have a very small circle of friends-maybe one or two who we might be able to talk to about our beloveds. Many people have no one to talk to ten months or two years later....and this group, this circle of people who get it can become your circle. In our death phobic society where the expectation is that we are always happy and that we "get over' losses quickly and "move on" those around us, we who grieve, tend to fall into the clutches of that attitude. People mean well. People do not want to see you sad for various reasons one of which is they feel helpless; they want to "fix you"; they do not want to be reminded of loss and death and many more. I call those people "unsafe" and tend to either stay away from them or if that is not possible or realistic I just do not share with them because it backfires. This creates a lonely path where the bereaved end up hiding their feelings often, too often, but frankly that is safer than having those feelings rejected or judged or stamped upon or having someone preach about moving on. Learning how to live amongst people like this is all part of the new normal.

At ten months since your husband's death, you really are just in the throes of this journey. I would call ten months a time of still being raw with pain and loss. Many here, including me, have learned that the second year can be more difficult as we begin to experience secondary losses more deeply and as people move away even further.

Sadly this IS the new normal i.e. learning how to live with grief and with your loss and at this point learning how to get up each day and make it a good or at least a decent day. You sound like you want to be further down the path than you can be or are right now. I find in my own journey that being where I am is the challenge. the new normal is evolving as we live each day without our beloved. It includes learning how to integrate your grief into your life; learning how to deal with those who just can't or don't get it; setting small goals each day and making it a good day; becoming aware of your secondary losses and figuring out how to live with them. Here are some articles on that:

http://www.hov.org/sites/default/files/understanding_secondary_losses_in_grief.pdf

http://personalgrowthandgriefsupportcenter.com/1/post/2014/04/the-fog-lifts-only-to-reveal-secondary-losses.html

I know this is the tip of the iceberg of this subject and your post is a great post as so many deal with this. I know others here will have wisdom to share with you and some other articles that you will find helpful. This is about the time in our journeys where lots of patience is needed because your life is like a seed planted in new earth...it has been forming tiny delicate roots beneath the soil in these ten months and now it needs time, watering, light and patience and if you attempt to open the bud before it is ready, the flower won't blossom as it should. Try to be patient with your life and journey and perhaps figure out something you would like to do with your days. It may or may not be something you will be doing three years from now but something that adds meaning and purpose to your life now. Don't get too analytical about it. This could include art work, taking classes, reading, volunteering (that always helps to give to others because no one else can give what you give). I will pass the talking stick to the next person to speak to this. My final word of advice is to stay with this group, become more a part of it sharing your journey and reaching out to others here. It is extremely healing to do that.

Peace

Mary

[melina]

I think this grief thing is a slow and often complicated process, but that doesn't mean you won't heal or that it will be impossible to deal with. I've been widowed for nearly four years now, and looking back, the first year was very raw and I felt almost skinned - everything hurt. Now the grief comes and goes - in waves and phases. But for the most part I'm able to cope.

I've gone to the same grief counselor since my husband's death. As a hospital pastor, she was actually in the room when he died and experienced my family's pain. One of the most helpful things she's told me is that healing from grief is like moving through time. You don't notice it while it's going on, but looking back you can see how far you've come. Grief moves at an imperceptible rate.

You were married for 31 years. My husband and I were together for nearly 30 years, so losing him - very unexpectedly to cancer - was losing my closest friend and a major chunk of my history, and I expect that's how it was for you. No wonder it's tough for us. Have patience with yourself and give yourself time.

A lot of people can be exhausting and confusing, but basically I suspect that most people are worried about bringing you grief, sadness and heartache, and they don't know how to deal with that. Even my grown sons have had trouble mentioning their father around me. I'm fairly sure that it's because they're afraid of making me feel sad, so I've tried to tell them that it helps to hear stories or anecdotes about him - just to get a sense of history - that he existed.

The people I tend to avoid are those who almost cheerfully ignore any mention of my husband - or refuse to hear anything about my feelings about losing him. They would also just as cheerfully talk about their "couple lives" as though I'd either never been married, or still had my husband. This really hurts. I guess these are the people Mary would characterize as unsafe.

Melina

[enna]

Working on my “new normal” has taken me to the thread “Tools for Healing” here on this discussion group and what I have found is that even though Jim will always be in my everyday life I am able to navigate this grief journey with a heart that is not as heavy as it was those first months.

In two days, I will be 26 months without Jim after forty years of togetherness. And yes, people all around me have ‘forgotten’ him. His name is not mentioned anymore but he forever lives in me. He is with me as I move through the isles of a grocery store. I used to ignore the cookie isle because it was too painful but now I deliberately go down that isle and pick up a package of Oreo cookies or a package of Nutter-butters just because they were Jim’s favorites.

I used to say ‘no thank you’ when someone asked if I wanted to stop over for a drink but now I gladly accept the offer secretly hoping that during the conversation Jim’s name would be mentioned.

I no longer fear doing the simple things alone like filling the car up with gas (always Jim’s job) or resetting the breaker switch (located outdoors) when the lights go out after a storm. I take care of things around my home because I don’t have Jim helping me anymore. I will admit I sometimes talk to him and ask him what would you do.

The changes occur very slowly and it doesn’t mean that there will not be days that it seems like I’m back to day one. I don’t think that this means that I am stuck. I think that it means that I am normal and when the ‘triggers’ come I am more prepared to deal with them.

Grief work is just what it says ~ it’s work. I have introduced new things into my daily life. I spend time doing some crafts like colored pencil art. I meditate much more than I ever did. I volunteer more since I’m retired. I am learning how to play the piano. I read about the journeys of others and have learned to share my own.

I have made it through the first and the second year without Jim and I think that’s pretty awesome. I guess you could say that I am proud of what I’ve accomplished.

Change for me comes because I make it happen. Patience is a word that we hear daily. I think our “new normal” will come without our even knowing it has happened.

Anne

[mfh]

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/05/voices-of-experience-labyrinth-of-grief.html

Jo, Here is a poem I wrote about this grief journey.

[MartyT]

As you can see, Jo, your concerns are not unique to you alone, and you are in very wise company here.

Here are a few additional readings that you may find helpful:

Grief In The Second Year: Finding Your Way

Transition After Loss: Tips for Navigating The Neutral Zone

[kayc]

My mom lost Daddy over 32 years ago. She said I'm the only one that talks about him, brings him up. To me it is natural, he still exists, just in different form, and even for those who do not believe that way, I think all agree they continue to live on in our hearts and memories. I am fortunate that my family does bring up George to me. They know he was the most life defining person to me, my soulmate and best friend and remembering him in his entirety brings me comfort and encouragement. He was my biggest fan. In the years since he died, I have suffered job losses and faced some really hard places, alone...yet it is in remembering his comfort and encouragement that has gotten me through those places. He may not be able to tell me what to do, but knowing he is there bolstering me and cheering me on, having faith in me, that has helped me tremendously.

I wouldn't think it'd be hard for people to grasp the concept that an anniversary of something so tremendous as losing your husband or wife, would be so difficult to go through. It brings up memories, it's a milestone, at best we are full of contemplation. For a lot of us the day itself was not as hard as the anticipation leading up to it but for each it is unique and hard to predict. I think I would be open and talk to people about it, only those you are close to, of course, but don't be afraid to bring it up. Be prepared for them to not fully grasp or understand as it's hard to if you haven't been through it. But hopefully your family and friends will recognize that this is hard for you and have enough empathy to surround you with their love, even if they can't fully relate to what it's like. And for those who are totally clueless, be happy for them for we would not wish this on our worst enemy, let alone those we love...be glad for them that they remain ignorant of what this is like because to go through it is just so very hard.

As for the "new normal", it took me a long time, perhaps I'm just slower than some, but I wouldn't worry about the time frame, it has a way of working itself out, so long as you are doing your grief work and actively trying to build a tolerable life for yourself...honestly, it does take time and it's going to be different for everyone depending on age, length of marriage, how entwined the two of you were (most of us here were greatly entwined), your own personal resilience and coping skills, how active your life is, your support system, etc. We can't compare ourselves to others for each journey is unique but we can relate as we've experienced a lot of commonalities too.

[JeL]

The concept of unsafe people is interesting....it's pretty tough to avoid them in daily life. And Kay, you're right, for the folks who are blissfully ignorant of grief's lingering impact are in some ways lucky since they haven't had a big loss.

Marty, Mary & Anne, thanks for your thoughts and resources (except, Mary, the link to the poem doesn't work and I'd appreciate reading it if you can try it another way). I think I'm doing okay identifying and anticipating triggers, I'm fairly resilient, I guess I'm a bit impatient to be further along in my transitions. I have plenty to do with my days and evenings....I work, maintain home and yard/gardens, exercise regularly, spend several hours a week on grief topics/reading and reflection. These past 2-3 months I'm pushing a bit to be more social.....that's where the "unsafe people" come in. So you're right Mary, learning to live amongst them is part of transition to a new normal.

[MartyT]

Try this one, Jo: Voices of Experience: The Labyrinth of Grief

[mfh]

Thanks for catching that and correcting it, Marty.

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Jo

I can only echo what the others have said so eloquently. You can talk here about Fred. We would love to hear more about him and you and your relationship and love. My Pete died over two years ago and I find myself wanting to say to people that it was last year so that they don't think Oh that is ages ago, she must be fine now. I'm not fine. I will never get over the loss. I carry on though. Today our daughter and her four year old and two year old are coming to stay until Monday. Monday would have been (is?) mine and Pete's 52nd wedding anniversary. How we would have relished celebrating that! My memories sustain me but it would be wrong (utterly wrong) to say that they are Enough now. I long for Pete, his hugs, his closeness, his conversation. Everything. I'm so sorry that you are here. But you can talk to us. Jan

[feralfae]

Dear Jan,

Your words above touched me deeply. Although I feel Doug's presence, not a day goes by that I don't long for him to be here with me in his physical body. I miss his touch, voice, the sense of him being here in the house, or, if he was away somewhere, I miss the anticipation that he will be home soon, and with me. I miss so many things, and your words about Pete echoed my own deep sense that this is never over. It changes, shifts, becomes easier to carry, but the grief is still here, and is always palpable in my heart.

And although I think each of us has a place in our hearts where we can feel the love, always and strong, the changes we face each day in our physical surroundings, in our social lives, in our work, financial situations, family and friends moving on, and in our view of life are unique to this loss, and further unique to each of us. Alone, we gather up the bits of ourselves and walk into the new day, ever mindful that while we are here, we are living and still able to stay in touch with our Beloved who has gone on. That fact, that we are still in touch, is a wonderful gift, in my way of thinking. But it does not replace their presence, and I think special dates bring the loss of the Beloved into high relief.

It has been almost 2 and a half years now, and I still have a spot of emptiness and longing in my heart that is always present. While few others understand, I am so very thankful we have each other here to keep on healing in healthy ways, sharing and caring for each other as we gather here to add our voices to this gentle, compassionate song of longing and understanding, healing and hope.

namaste,

fae

[kayc]

I'm in my tenth year of this journey and I can tell you, we do not transcend past our love/need/missing them. I keep a portrait of George on my living room wall and look up at it often, I also have one above my computer. Point of interest: while I'm starting to look a lot older, he remains the same, kind of an odd feeling when thinking of myself as aging and him as ageless. Ahh well, our connection was more about the inside of us connecting, even while we connected on every level. Sigh...I miss him each and every day.

[Wifflesnook]

Oh Kay.

[JeL]

I thank all who share their heartfelt experience. Lest you thought I asked and retreated.... I've had a very busy work week, a freezer failure I'm still dealing with, and a house full of guests arrived yesterday. I will return and more thoughtfully re-read these articles, thoughts and wisdom. Jo

[JeL]

My guests departed yesterday & while I welcome their friendship, company, talks of the past & future and help with projects, sitting in solitude is comforting.

Lots of grief triggers are bubbling up - last year this week Fred & I flew to Seattle for his 2 day marathon of medical consults that diagnosed his throat cancer. We got each other laughing when he saw a wayward wheelchair in the airport and I shanghai’d it to help us get to the light rail station outside the terminal because he felt too weak to walk the distance. And we held each other crying as we talked through his choice to forego surgery and radiation. Reflecting back on it now, coming home and embracing hospice care last year this week felt like being wrapped in a cocoon.

I’m all jittery this morning (haven’t even had any caffeine!)… couldn’t focus through a 5 minute meditation. My outdoor projects await me, so I think a good plan is to go split some wood.

[kayc]

Jo,

It is good to have company, but it's also good to get your home back to the way you are comfortable so you can have some solitude. Splitting wood sounds like a great activity for right now! I wish I was strong enough to do so, but alas all I can do is stack wood and chop kindling. I hope you find comfort in your activity and solace.