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Missing My Best Friend And Soulmate


SueG

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My best friend in the world passed away at the beginning of this month. I feel so lost and alone. She was such an important part of my life. We started as co-workers 15 years ago, and then her sister passed away 13 years ago. We became friends during the months following her sisters passing. We became very close over the years. We still worked together so we saw each other 5 days a week and we would go off on vacations together to just get time away from the husbands and work. We could talk about anything and had a lot of the same issues so we compared notes. We were 6 months apart in age and our husbands were close to the same age as well. The husbands were not friends, just acquaintances. Three years ago my friend found a lump that was breast cancer. She had her breast removed and needed chemo. She had one dose of chemo and had an allergic reaction to it that almost killed her. I was with her every step of the way. She didn't know who I was for 3 days and it took her 6 months to get well enough to go back home. She had to learn to walk again. I would stop and see her on my way to work, I would run up at lunch and I would stop every night on my way home. She would always tell me she couldn't have made it without me. Truth is she was always my strength. She recovered and came back to work. Ever since she first found out about the cancer we started doing more things together, she didn't want to let life pass by. We ate lunch together 5 days a week, we talked in the evenings, and we went on weekend outings and vacations. This year she had been feeling bad for months (allergies / cold type symptoms). She had been to the Dr. numerous times and they would try one med after another. She kept getting worse. She called me on my way to work May 27th, crying, she felt so bad and no one was seeming to do anything to help her. I told her I was on my way and I would take her to ER and we would make them figure out what was wrong. A few hours later I held her hand as they told her the cancer was back in her brain, lungs, kidney and spine. Now 40 days later she is gone. They removed a tumor from her brain and she had been recovering in a rehab center. She was going to have radiation and estrogen blockers as treatment to slow the progress of the cancer but there was no talk of a cure. She was supposed to get out in another week and I told her we were going to go out and have some fun even if it meant pushing her in a wheel chair. That was on Friday around noon and I got a call Saturday at 9 am that she was in route to the ER and had stopped breathing. She never regained consciousness. I miss her so much. She knew everything about me and if I was sad she was right there with a hug and a Kleenex. Now I need the hug and Kleenex and she isn't here. I feel so lonely. People are already saying "oh you’re still grieving?" Maybe you are clinically depressed, you should see someone. It has been just barely 3 weeks. How am I supposed to feel at this point? I want to be better but the one person who could help me cope isn't here anymore.

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Sue, I am so sorry to know about your best friend's death. It sounds like a wonderful friendship, one that many people never have the privilege of enjoying and therefore a huge loss.

Other people frequently say things that hurt those who grieve. Most are well intended, I would hope, but do not know what to say for a variety of reasons. I would bet every one of us here has had the experience of insensitive remarks made by friends, strangers, co-workers, and even family. I know I have. We learn in time which people are "safe" i.e. will not say these things and who will hopefully just listen to us. It is just so common. I find it best not to talk about my loss with people like that. This group of people will listen, will not say things that hurt, will support you and understand loss very well. So you found a safe place to share your pain. Feel free to talk about your pain, your friend, and how this loss affects you. We are all here for you.

Other membes will also help and respond.

Mary

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You are supposed to feel exactly like you do. Try not to put stock by what others say, they just don't know about loss/grief. Of course you are grieving, you lost someone very close to you! You will grieve for a very long time although it will change form and the intensity of the pain will begin to lessen as you begin to adjust to the loss. grief is not clinical depression, and if you "see somebody", it'd be better to see a grief counselor who can help you through the maze of grief and help you learn how to grieve fully. There's no way to avoid it, but go straight through it, we can't circumvent it, it would be waiting for us still. I think they recommend seeing a grief counselor at about three months out, although I did right away when I lost my husband. I hope you will be patient and understanding of yourself, this is a hard thing to go through. You may find yourself having a hard time focusing or doing your job, it will come back, but it takes time. I encourage you to come here and talk about your feelings and what you're going through. This place was a life saver for me...it is a safe place where you can share what you're feeling and know you'll be heard and others here understand.

I am just so sorry you lost your friend. What is her name?

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Just to clarify one point ~ There is no right or wrong time to see a grief counselor. Like everything else in grief, it is very much an individual matter and an individual choice.

What you may be thinking of, Kay, is that we usually suggest waiting a bit before attending an in-person grief support group. The reason is simple: When you see a grief counselor individually, the focus is entirely upon you, whereas in a grief support group, attention is paid to every member in the group ~ and until you're a bit further down the road in your own grief journey, it can be difficult (for some ~ not all) to sit and listen to others' stories of loss at a time when you're still feeling so raw and vulnerable yourself. The main difference between individual grief counseling and finding support in a group is that in a group, eventually you'll find yourself not only obtaining the support of others, but offering it to others as well. It takes a while before anyone in mourning can feel ready and able to do that. Still, there are always exceptions! Some folks are more social than others and have no problem sharing in a group; others prefer a more intimate, one-on-one relationship. I would never tell anyone not to try a support group ~ just make sure you feel ready, and prepare yourself for what to expect ahead of time. (See, for example, Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You and Grief Support Groups: What Are The Benefits? )

I should add that one difference between an in-person grief support group and an online support group such as this one is that here, a member is free to come and go at will, and is totally in control of how much he or she is ready, able and willing to read, digest, tolerate and contribute.

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Marty,

Wow this is very helpful. I didn't know what I was looking for when I got on the internet and I just stumbled on this site. I'm so glad I did. At least I have a direction and a place to put my energy that may help get answers. My focus has been so scattered, I feel I don't accomplish anything. This should at least give me a small amount of focus. I can't go back to what I would call normal (although that is what I want most) because she was so much of my normal. I have a hard time deciding what to do and when to do it. Everything feels so jumbled and out of order. Even putting my thoughts together here is difficult.

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Thanks for clarifying that, Marty, I must have misunderstood, but that makes sense.

Sue,

You are so right, the old "normal" is gone and now it'll take time to find your new normal. I know, it's hard to call it that...loss seems anything but normal!

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