Loss Of My Niece And Good Friend

[pinkysmile]

I’m not sure where to put this (or whether the topic is okay, please delete it if it's not!) as it is about my niece who passed away just recently at just 18 years old. Because we were quite close in age, we spent a lot of time together and were very good friends as well as Aunty/Niece.

I’m struggling with grief overall. But there is one thing that is selfishly on my mind a lot recently.

She was the only one who knew I had been abused. I didn’t plan to tell her but she went through a similar experience. I had no idea it would be something so big when the miserable Facebook statuses came out. A quick message to see what was wrong lead to her pouring her heart out over the internet. My heart was breaking for her. I felt sick. I wished I was near her to give her a hug and just listen as she cried but while we were only about 20kms away I couldn’t get there and in reality she would’ve have wanted that then. She blamed herself, she could have said no but she didn’t, she made excuses instead, all of which he ignored but she was too ashamed to say no, she shouldn’t have been there in the first place and so on. She told me in detail how she lay wondering how long it would take and wishing away the seconds. She thought it was ages but in reality it probably wasn’t. I found out it was over a week beforehand. She made me promise I wouldn’t tell anyone. I didn’t but, even with my own secret, struggled with whether I was doing the right thing. She was younger than I was when it happened to me. Did that make it different? He went further than 'my' person did too. I caught up with her a few days later. It was at a family gathering so we couldn’t talk about it easily. Eventually we snuck off to the paddock with the horses and I asked her how she was doing. She said okay and looked away. I told her I thought about what happened all the time. I asked her if she’d told anyone. She had told a friend. I listened as she told me again what happened. She didn’t cry just recounted the facts. I urged her to tell her mum (which she eventually did later). She said she had never felt so alone and no one would really understand if she told them. I told her I’d never been through something as horrible as her but I had been in a situation where I experienced similar emotions and promised I’d be there for her, whenever, wherever. She pushed me to tell her what happened and despite everything I was so reluctant to. I made several generalised comments before she burst into tears and said please tell me, I don’t want to feel so alone. I was also crying, so I apologised saying it doesn’t compare but told her my story. She was sobbing so loudly I’m surprised no one heard us. She kept saying I’m sorry I had no idea you were going through that. I pointed out she would’ve been 10 when it happened so it’s not like I would’ve told her anyway! I had pushed the emotion so deep inside to the point I could almost convince myself I made it up. Talking hurt so bad and more than anything the fear came flooding back, but at the same time was incredibly healing. She asked a lot about what actually happened and I told her how it happened over several months, how it was always his fingers or things. She asked about the pain. She asked if anyone noticed I was acting different. She asked what the absolute worst part was. I told her it was the sheer terror of having him over me. She said it was the same for her. I told her how after the first time I hid in my bedroom after and blasted the radio as loud as I could. I hadn’t been able to hear the song that was on (Black velvet) since without flipping between scared and teary. She told me she had a song too, the first song that played on her iPod after. Perfect by Pink.

We only talked about it a handful of times in the 3 ish years since then. She continued to grow into an amazing young woman and an incredible friend. She got in with the wrong crowd for a while and made mistakes but doesn’t everyone. She had sorted herself out and started working at a great new job but one critical mistake and she was gone. I’ll never see her gorgeous smile again, never experience her beautiful bubbly personality. I never told her how grateful I am for everything she gave me and how sorry I am that I couldn’t have made things better.

To be fair, there is a lot of other issues that probably affect this (I could write a very interesting book about myself and family) and I considered seeing a counselor but at $90 per session it’s unaffordable at the moment. Her passing has bought up a lot of other old grief which is feel I can kind of deal with but I’m just not sure how to deal with this so I can grieve for her the way she deserves. I welcome any ideas...

Also 'my' person was someone I am related to. He has been gone several years now and if I were to bring it up it would bring a lot of hurt to family members who in no way deserve it. This differs greatly to the reason I never considered doing so when it first happened.

[mfh]

I am so very sorry you have lost your niece, confidant and good friend and at such a young age.

The situations complicated and your thoughts about seeing a counselor merit attention. I do not know where you are located but I urge you to check with local social service agencies that might help you find a counselor who charges on a sliding scale. You kept all this bottled up inside of you for a long time and shared it at a time when you thought it might help your niece. Yes, she pressured you but you also needed to talk about it and in the end it probably helped her to feel less alone. You may have played an important role in her personal growth following that incident. But now it is your time and I suggest you get some assistance (in addition to being here in this caring circle of people). A local hospital social worker, a pastor/minister, a social service agency -any of these might assist you in getting set up with a counselor. In the meantime, you are most welcome here as you grieve the loss of your niece/friend. You will find the folks here to be loving and kind and understanding.

[kayc]

Also, if you are attending college, they usually have a counselor on staff you can talk to. You could also call a rape hotline. My own daughter went through something when she was four, we didn't find out until she was grown. We found her a counselor and she only charged $25/session because it was income based, so me and my sisters all chipped in to get her counseling. It really helps to get it out and have someone help you deal with it. I do understand how complicated it can be if it was family, I'm thankful that wasn't my daughter's situation, but I think all the more reason to get help. I am so sorry for your loss and all you have been through.

[pinkysmile]

Thank you so much for your replies. In terms of location, I am in a relatively small town. Due mainly to my laziness, I haven’t got a driver’s license and to be fair most appointments are within work hours anyway so I probably couldn’t go out of town. I’m not in college and have just started a new job. We don’t have a hospital here, just a med centre. There is a counsellor at the med centre which is the one that costs $90 per session. I did speak to my doctor the other day (I had an appointment for something else), without mentioning the details and he gave me a list of other places. The church based one appears to charge on sliding scale but I was a wee bit surprised by how long it takes to get an appointment there!

I have also considered calling the hotline but since I’m currently in a shared living arrangement with 4 other people and paper thin walls it’s a matter of finding time when I’m the only one home, which is sometime around never, and I don’t want to risk having to explain anything to them.

I just can’t work out why I am stuck on this, which in reality is probably making me think about it even more! I just want to focus on the good stuff but it is hard to. While these events were both huge in our respective lives, I don’t think they were huge in the relationship I had with her. I helped her, she helped me. It changed who we were as individuals and how we looked at the world. Like now with the loss of her, it split time into before and after (before the first time for me and the one time for her). It didn’t define our friendship or our relationship as Aunty/niece though…

Kayc, I am so sorry to hear about what your daughter went through. 4 is so young. It’s just such a horrible thing.

[mfh]

It sounds like scheduling an appointment even though it is a week or even more out in time, is worth while. Usually once you have been seen, you can then schedule your appointments ahead and not have to wait. Worth a try.

It clearly seems to me that you will benefit from working through this with someone. You are saying you feel stuck and you think about it and get nowhere. there are two or more issues here, grief being one of them. I do hope you will follow up on the church based center.

[pinkysmile]

Thank you! It's actually over a month out, but i will make the appointment anyway. I guess I could always cancel it.

[mfh]

Yes do make the appointment and I hope you keep it.

[kayc]

One of the ways it can affect a girl is they can self-abase by underachieving, picking lower (friends/relationships), procrastinating, in other words, rendering ineffectual somewhat. Guys may abuse or do the same things to others, but girls tend to take it out on themselves. That's why is so important to get help from a professional that can help you see how it's affected you and what steps to take to rise above it. Yes, I recognize all too well that when you have an event like this happen in your life, everything else in your life is separated by "before" or "after". That's how it was for me when my oldest sister had a horrendous car accident, leaving her a quadriplegic and her little boy dead...everything in our family's life from then on was defined by that moment as being "before" the accident or "after the accident. It can be true for any life changing moment.

I do hope you will make and keep your appointment, tell yourself you'll give it at least three tries to see how it goes before deciding where to go from there, and I hope you let us know what you think or feel about it and how it's made a difference to you. It can take several sessions.