Relationship Is Ending After The Loss Of 2 Boys

[Texyman]

After one and half years happy time with my girlfriend, she suddenly lost 2 boys by traffic accident. Actually, she is single mother who has 3 sons and a daughter.

Problem is that since then, she did not contact me at all, actually, the accident was informed me by her mother when I sent text saying how are you doing ?

I have been sad and thinking as boyfriend, how I can support her and what kind of things should I offer ?

I called and texted to my girlfriend and ask her where she is so that I can be with her ASAP. But her mother respond me on her telephone that we are devastated, numb empty so after some times passed your accompany would be more meaningful to her.

And at that moment, her mother promised that as soon as date is fixed, she will ask me to participate the burial, however it was not happened.

I’m overwhelmed by facing the fact that I cannot hug her, I cannot give my shoulder to her and I have no contact from her. It seems she does not need my support.

She lost boys, love of her lives and I am losing my girlfriend, love of my lives.

What should I do ? should I wait and keep silent until some times passed according to her mother's advice? ?

Or should I come to her as soon as possible although she is refusing ?? Any advices are appreciate.

3 weeks passed since the accident. I still send some letters to her however no reply, sometimes I send text to her mother to know how she is and so on, every time, she kindly reply to me.

[kayc]

I am so sorry your GF lost her boys. I can think of nothing more tragic!

No one can predict how they would be if they had such a loss in their lives, we can only imagine, but each one handles their grief differently. As someone who cares for her, you can only respect her wishes, even if it means loving her from afar.

There are many here who have lost the one they love because of their grief. There is nothing we could have done to change the outcome but there are things we can do to show our support. Namely, make no demands, no pressure. Even saying "I love you" can be perceived as pressure as she may feel you expect "I love you" back. This is a very difficult role you find yourself in, very fragile. She knows you love her, she knows how to reach you, but for some reason she is not reaching out for you. She undoubtedly feels she has nothing within her for you at this time, it is probably all she can do to hold it together for herself and her other children. You did not say if she is injured herself, or if she was driving, both of which would add to the chaos in her life right now. You do not say how far away you are from her, but I take it there is some distance.

She may or may not request your assistance at the burial. I really do think you need to respect her wishes though, a relationship cannot be based on anything else. Sometimes we have to let go in order to save something. Say prayers for her.

I am sorry for what you are going through, I know how very hard it is and how much it hurts.

[Texyman]

Hello KayC, first of all, Thank you so much for dedicating your time for me during your weekend. I’m a little calmed down since I found the person who share my emotion.

Talking about my relation with my girlfriend, I’m middle 40’s and she is later 30’s. and I have one son and she has 4 children. She was not the driver when accident was occurred.

We have expected in future after kids become adult we will live in a house together and spend all the time in same places. As you assumed, now, we have some distances, living in different country, however until end of last year we live very near by, just 5km distances.

You advice me that say prayer for her, do not contact her. Yes I listen it but how to do with her mother ? she knows me well and she says she is well come to have contact with me.

Should I let my girlfriend go and be silent to her mother ?

Because even though people say I’m stupid guy, I as a man expect that after time is passed, my role for my girl friend will come. and I fear if I'm silent to both then it won't come or I am something wrong.

loving her from afar is extremely tough period for me but maybe I need to follow your advice.

Thanks,

[mfh]

I agree with Kay's response. I think since she has not responded, it is wise to step back for now. She will let you know if and when she wants to communicate with you. Sending her a card telling her you are thinking of her, respecting her need for privacy, and that you are here for her if and when she wants to talk might be a good decision. In the meantime, you might educate yourself about grief. Most people do not really know much about it especially loss of a child and a sudden loss at that. These articles and sites might be a good starting place. Losing a child, let alone two children, is traumatic, shocking and extremely difficult to deal with. Everyone grieves differently and I would imagine right now and for months to come, your friend is focused only on her loss. You might read some of the posts here on child loss and on spousal loss to learn how people feel when they are grieving. I know you feel left out but that is what your friend has requested right now and as difficult as that is, it seems the appropriate thing to do i.e. to stand back. I am so sorry this has happened to your friend and to her children and to you. Even though her mother has said you can stop by, I would wait for a go ahead from your friend before I do that so that your friend has the privacy she requests.

http://selfhealingexpressions.com/helping_friends_in_grief.shtml

http://www.griefhealing.com/column-helping-another-in-grief.htm

http://www.opentohope.com/death-of-a-child/

http://www.compassionatefriends.org/home.aspx

[kayc]

Texyman

I can only tell you what I have experienced and what I have seen others experience. Usually when a person keeps in touch with the mother, the other person resents it, like you're invading their space.

I do not think you are stupid in the least, I think you are very caring and don't know how you can be of help to her. The truth is, you may not be able to. Right now it is too much for her to think of you, let alone think of a future. She doesn't even know how to survive today. Everything in her life from now on will be defined by "before the accident" and "after the accident". This was life altering for her. She may feel guilty for having a relationship with you, thinking it took time away from her kids. My ex-fiance felt this way when his mom was dying...losing a child is way worse because you don't expect to lose your child in your lifetime, they are supposed to outlive you. At least that's what we think. If I lost even one of my children I would be hard pressed to even go on living. Lord knows it was hard enough when I lost my husband at a young age.

I would do as Mary suggested, send a simple note, keep it short and simple, right now her brain won't be able to process much and may process it wrong, don't say too much or it can be misconstrued, just let her know she is in your thoughts and you want to be there for her in whatever way you can, even it it means giving her some time and space. Right now you probably think your feelings for her will never change, but we are amazing beings, our bodies and minds have a way of shielding and protecting us from hurt and pain, and given enough time, we may feel differently, that's nothing to worry about right now though. Right now, keep yourself occupied, spend time with your family and friends, keep busy, take up interests, go to the gym, attend classes, anything to keep your mind occupied. I can honestly say now (four years afterward) that I am okay that Jim and I broke up when his mom was dying...if you'd have asked me four years ago, I wasn't feeling that way at all. We are friends today and speak often although we rarely see each other in person. We still have feelings for each other but the relationship is not as it was. Give it time and see what transpires, for now try to take it a day at a time, as she has to also.

[Texyman]

Dear Admin, KayC,

Thank you so much for trying to lead me to right direction. I really appreciate your advice. However one thing still I cannot understand is that why she has been silent since the tragedy occurred.

When I have a look at other posts. in many cases, in the beginning, they anyhow communicate each other and after some events or whatever, suddenly relation is end. But my case, she did not inform me the fact and keep silent.

How should I understand it ? Is it her unique grieving process ?or is it poor result of our relation in the last one and half years ? or does she fear that her privacy is harmed by me ? what do you think ?

[mfh]

You may never understand her silence. She may never understand it either. Each of us is different and as we grieve we listen to ourselves and our needs and attempt to follow where that inner self leads sometimes, many times not really knowing why. I believe you must let go of trying to understand it. It is what it is and someday if you get together or have communication again, you can discuss it if she wishes to do so also. In the meantime, I hope you will use these days well...for your own growth and your understanding of the grief process. I know these are difficult times for you...to be left in the dark. They are more difficult for her. Not much is harder in life than losing two kids suddenly. Again, I am sorry. Try to focus on self care and growth.

[Texyman]

Dear KayC and Mary

Thank you so much for your advices...

Honestly I really fear the dark. That is big challenge for me.

You advice me to send letter with short note like I’m thinking of you. Yes, I’m thinking of my girl friend. but honestly, still lots of question come up with me which are why she is silent to me. why I cannot participate burial ? what is my value for her..and I fear the dark I need to keep in touch with her though she does not want to.

That is too bad. you know, it is all about my self. so I say I will support her but actually I am thinking of myself.

Since I realized that, I have been blaming my self. You advice me not to think too much. keep busy, work hard, go to gym, etc. But besides that I want to overcome such a bad mindset. however I do not know how to??

[Texyman]

Hello. Short update, I follow advice from Mary and KayC. I let her go. So my Dark day start meant I am completely shut-out from her now. even I stop checking when she log off Whatsapp last time. I worry if I give her space, I simply be dropped out completely from her. I wonder if it is the process that I finally accept we are broken up permanently. It is so hard for me to deal with it.

[mfh]

You did something very difficult. No one knows, including your friend, where this road is going. But for your own sake and hers, I think you did the right thing. She will contact you when and if she is ready. I can not tell you in words how difficult this loss is for her. I can't even imagine it. She needs lots of time and is telling you by her silence that she needs space.

[Texyman]

Mary, Thank you so much for your advice. It has been so painful journey for me to spend such dark days. But today, after 23days silence of her since the tragedy. I got first text from her. It is very short but I believe it's a good step for us. I responded by short text according to your advice mentioned in previous post.

[kayc]

What you decided to do is selfless and the most loving thing you can do for her right now. Please try not to think of her silence as a personal rejection. It isn't about you. It's about her. She doesn't have it in her to have a relationship right now.
At some point she may come to and be hesitant to contact you out of guilt for hurting/excluding you. It might be good to send her a simple card saying "I hope good things for you" a ways down the road, not too soon though, maybe in a couple of months. It would leave the door open, so to speak, for future contact from her and shows that you aren't angry with her for shutting you out, and if she wants to initiate contact at that time, she would be more likely to.

[Texyman]

KayC, Thank you very much for your advice.

Actually, 2 days ago, I received the first text from my girlfriend since the tragedy. However it was short text and it seems just she felt guilt for excluding me. But anyway I also sent short text to her so I believe the door is still opened.

I realize that the relation with my girlfriend will be end up and I will be dropped out from her life in the near future. For me, it is HELL!! and I do not know how long I can spend such DARK DAYS.

Mary advices me to learn how difficult this loss of the boys for her. Yes, I am trying but as you can see, I am still talking about myself. So, I am not selfless person, yet. But Thanks for cheering me up.

From the situation, my conclusion is like this,

I will like to FINISH my role as her boyfriend in the right way even the goal is broken up. Because I believe the relation in the last one and half years was wonderful and I wish both of us keep those days as great memory and I wish someday even as a friend of her, I can meet her again so that I can see her future life is started and it goes well.

So. your advice is appreciative and I am sure it leads me the right direction. Thank you so much.

[kayc]

If your feelings weren't important to her she wouldn't give them a second thought, but she feels guilty so that means it matters to her how you feel. All the same, she can't do anything about it right now, she has her hands full just trying to live through this difficult time. Even married people often split up or have affairs following the loss of a child...and she's lost two. It's just the hardest thing in the world. It may not end, but it may, it's good you try to prepare yourself for anything. Of course you are thinking of you, we wouldn't be human if we didn't, but it's good to try and see from her perspective and see what her life is like right now and not just focus on what has been done to you. This is something that neither of you can be blamed for, it's no one's fault, it just is. My ex-fiance and I are very good friends, and it's been four years exactly since he broke up with me. It was a very dark time for both of us, but I know he didn't set out to hurt me, I was able to forgive him, but I don't trust any more as how can you know what tomorrow will bring or how someone will handle it? I suppose if I met someone that would be a struggle for me but it's a moot point as I don't intend to have a relationship again. I feel I should have quit when my husband died, after all, he loved me as no other and never would have ditched me, not for any reason. I'm impressed by some here who have gone on to meet someone and have happy lives. Perhaps that will happen for you, I guess it's hard to predict what will happen as none of us know.

I'm glad the door is still open and you two can at least communicate. Perhaps you can be in the background, supporting her. I know your life is hell...I lived it. I cried every day/night for months. I had to pull over (off the road) because I could not see through my tears (I had a long daily commute). I focused my energy on cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. It helped. I made a trip to see my sister for a few days and we hiked, etc. It was hard going places we'd been or engaging in activities we'd done together. It was hard going to church and everyone would say, "How's Jim? Where's Jim?" I'd break into tears. It was hard to hold it together. But I got through it and the tears eventually dwindled. It took longer for the hurt to subside. I hadn't foreseen this at all! I never expected it of him. I'd trusted him implicitly. It's hard to understand why someone doesn't want you to go through it WITH them. But that's their choice. We can only handle our response. I wish you well with your journey, I'm thinking of you as you go through it.

[Texyman]

Hi, KayC, Thank you so much for your advice. Yes, I am now being in the back ground and supporting her.

That’s I have anyhow to accept. Problem is that she has been so silent that here in my mind has been completery dark in the last 3 week. I only received one text and she told me "Thank you my dear for your support". I can imagine that is at her best to do for me at that moment but I am still wondering how I can support her in this situation....

So getting here a little lightning from dark meaning knowing her situation well, I start to learn how loss of boys hurts her mind. I have visited some web site then I lost words even I could not go through the page. How sad it is !! one of things I learn is that she feels guilt if she eat something.

Talking about your story, first of all, thank you so much for sharing your experience with me and I already learn a lot from you. So he is now your friend after 4 years since he lost his mother. If I am allowed to ask you question, how did you accept the fact that you are his friend not fiancé even girl friend anymore? Do you feel he still need to be cared for losing his mother and you feel you are the best person to support him ? Because at this moment , I cannot accept both. maybe it needs plenty of time, far more than 4 years.

[kayc]

Not everyone can or chooses to remain friends after being more. For myself, I consider him as a friend is a positive thing so I wanted that. In order to be so though, I had to let go of my hopes/dreams of anything else with him. The ball really was in his court. But had he come back to me at some point and wanted more, it wouldn't have been so easy as all that. I would now have to have requirements, mainly, I would need to see him work on some things, I would need him to rebuild trust, no easy feat. It is not like it once was. When something changes, it affects other aspects of the relationship. I no longer see him as relationship material because of what he did to me. I forgave it, but I see he did not stick "through thick and thin" and that is a requirement of mine. I don't know if you read my thread or not, but if you did, you can see the myriad of emotions I went through and the changing in our relationship. When he had second thoughts, I was able to remain strong and recognize that I do NOT want to be hurt again, and so I did not allow myself to go there. You have to steel yourself because you know what is right and what is not. I was able to be there for him after his mom died because he knew I was not going to require something of him, I was not going to pressure him, and that could only come about because I backed way up to friendship stage.

[Texyman]

Kay, Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I have been thinking if I should be a friend of her instead for boyfriend in order to let her go officially and she start to think her life by her self. It is sure her life is totally changed and our relation cannot be exist AS IT IS, it won't be balanced anymore in her mind.

I gave the ball to her and then, my dark days start.

I want to support her. But I do not know if I can forgive what she did to me in the last 4wks and if I can accept the fact that what if she find new boyfriend even apparently he is best person for her future...people recommend me to start new love, but I do not like go that way. I want to FINISH my role even if it takes years and years.

My dark days are like this,

I do not cry but tears are dropping every day. So I need eye drops so that I can hide tears.

My tears proof more than any words that I really love her and I really want to be with her.

[kayc]

I am of the mind that it's not good to go from relationship to relationship, that it's best to have time in between to heal and learn. It's been four years since Jim broke up with me and I still haven't dated. There's nothing wrong with being alone, there's something wrong in our society that says we "have to have someone".

You can forgive...that is the easy part. Understanding all she has been through and that this is not something she can help makes it easy. BUT, and here's the catch, we cannot live with or accept someone dumping us through no fault of our own...we want someone who will go through ALL of life with us, not throw us out whenever something happens, for you never know when something will happen and you will be tossed aside again. So forgiving and forgetting are two different things. In order to MAKE it with a person who has done this to us, that other person needs to be willing to learn WHY they responded like they did and be ABLE to reassure us they will NOT do this to us again. In my estimation, that would require therapy and it could be intense. And most would be unwilling to go through that. If they can't even hang on to a relationship that has been going well, does it seem reasonable to assume they would go through all of this effort for us, for them? No, not likely! You see, I left the door open, the possibility existed, for Jim to find his way back to me (in our previous status), but I have requirements in place to protect myself, and I knew it was extremely unlikely he would go through it...and I am right.

When you are ready, with someone, someday, it will be right, and you will know it.

[Texyman]

I agree on that we should not move one relation to the other in order to escape from reality and we also should avoid such a voice from society “ we need to see someone”

If I can update my situation, my dark days are on going. my girl friend whom I will spend rest of my life together, are still almost silent. I do not know what will be my end ??

Thanks for advice from Kay and Mary. I can spend day time by occupying my self with full agenda, but problem is late evening. I know sleeping pill or drinking maybe helps me a lot but I do not like both . What should I do during late evening ?? Because when outside become dark I start to think of her then , I never sleep. some times I use pill and sometimes I drink a lot.

[mfh]

I hate to see you turning to alcohol as it might numb you for a bit but in the end, it makes things worse. Alcohol is a depressant. Do you try to sleep and can't? You might consider meeting with your physician to discuss your sleep issues.

[MartyT]

My friend, so much of what's been said to you here is aimed at helping you to understand and accept what your beloved may be going through, in the wake of her devastating losses. I want to gently suggest to you that it may be time for you to focus on your own loss and the grief that goes with it. Have you considered having a few sessions with a counselor who also specializes in grief? The symptoms you describe and the methods you are using to cope with them are concerning, and I think you would be wise to seek some professional help. I hope you know that seeking such support is not a sign of weakness. Rather, it is a sign of strength and good self-care, and it's important to recognize when we need it. You are worth it, and you certainly do deserve it.

[kayc]

Hi...I just saw your post...sleeping pills only under care of physician and usually only temporarily to catch up on missed sleep so you can function at work. Alcohol is a depressant so it should be avoided when you are feeling down, not used to bolster you or to pick you up, it doesn't work that way.

By distraction, I meant activity...spend time with friends, take a class, work on a project, go to the gym (in my case I cleaned my house thoroughly). If you need help getting through this situation, you might consider seeing a grief counselor who can help you know where to start. As Marty said, you are worth it and you are grieving just as surely as she is! I know how rough those early months can be. I saw a grief counselor when my husband died as I was devastated, but later on, when I lost John and then Jim, I was able to employ what I'd learned before, hence the title "Here I go again!" Of course you are welcome to voice yourself here, but you might want more help than that getting over the hump.

[Texyman]

Hello everyone, so sorry for making you worry. Just I want to say I am weak man, loss of boys hurts me a lot as well as her.

I cannot get it out of my head. It comes especially in evening when out side become dark.

It is like WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY ?? sad, compassion, angry, despair..those are runing around my head.

Thanks for your advice, what I am thinking now is having some plants in my room or having new friend maybe animal or tropical fishes because I live by myself. if it does not work I will take professional help. But I think you all help me a lot so that I can stop taking pill and drinking.

[mfh]

I do believe whether you get plants and or dog, it is time for professional counseling and a visit to MD for some sleep aids and a check up for blood pressure etc. I hope you will follow up.

[MartyT]

My friend, you said, It is like WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY ?? sad, compassion, angry, despair..those are runing around my head.

I invite you to read this article, in hopes that it will help: Why? Why Me? Searching for Answers in Grief