All Come Rushing Back

[Jenjen2]

My dad died nearly 10 weeks ago very suddenly and I was there giving CPR before the paramedics came and in the hospital when they took him to donate his organs I thought I was beginning to get over it but have just had to take my aunts cat to be put to sleep I thought I would be fine with it as it's not my cat but as they were about to do it I could be there I had to leave as it has brought back so many memories of my dad and made it feel so raw again

Jen

[mfh]

Dear Jen,

I am so sorry to learn of the loss of your Dad. It is quite understandable, especially after such a short time has elapsed, that being present for another death would trigger memories and pain about your dad's death. Losing a parent, especially so suddenly, is shocking and you have had little time to even digest all that has happened. We do not get over losses like this. We learn how to grieve and to carry our grief. I hope you continue to visit our site so you can gain support from our members and learn more about grief so that your journey through these days of loss is made a bit easier. It might help if you read posts others have made about their losses and the responses to those posts so you do not hold yourself to "getting over" such a huge loss. Do come back, share if you wish about your dad and about his life and his death and about your own pain.

[Jenjen2]

It happened very suddenly I woke to my mum bring told over the phone how to do CPR being first aid trained instinct took over I pushed her out the way and did it till the paramedics came they did it for a bit then took him to intensive care (this was a Tuesday morning) we were told to prepare for the worst but it didn't sink in they kept talking about reducing the sedation but by the Friday night/Saturday morning they had taken him to have his organs donated (which weren't good enough to use) and it was all turned off this was may 23rd.

In the first few weeks I was numb and grieving I couldn't set sleep do anything except go to work to occupy myself and keep busy then things started to get easier never normal but I could eat and sleep again but over the past week or two I have become really angry again and keep having dreams of people dying or being surrounded by coffins it is like I am waiting for the next one there's been about 5deaths in 5 years but this is the first immediate family the others were uncles and grandads.

I think it's the shock of it all coming back like this that's getting to me the most

[mfh]

Dear Jen,

I can only imagine how traumatic this has been for you and also for your mom. Have you considered doing some individual grief counseling so that you have an individual assisting you through this trauma and loss. Usually in the first weeks following a loss, we are walking about in a fog and then slowly that fog lifts and what has happened begins to sink in. I am glad you came here and hope you continue to come but I urge you to consider doing some counseling with someone who comprehends loss well. This person can walk through this with you and assist you as you deal with these nightmares and the shock as well as your grief. Do you have some resources you can check out?

[MartyT]

I invite you to read this article, Jen, as it contains some information that may be helpful to you: Nightmares and Bad Dreams in Grief

[Jenjen2]

I haven't had any council long because I am going back to university at the end of the month which is 8-5 Monday till Friday so there won't be any time to go as I can't have time off every week it was a battle to get on the corse and I nearly lost my place I can't afford to loose it

My older sister is having council long she's only had 2 sessions but does share what they suggest with us which I'm sure will help

[Jenjen2]

Another random question when you are drifting to sleep and the point where you start to revisit things but have control to stop the thoughts should I be letting my mind keep revisiting those days or keep myself from visiting it

[mfh]

Dear Jen, In light of your inability to get into counseling, I am relieved to know you are gleaning some assistance from your sister's work. Consider that many counselors work in the evenings and even on Saturdays.

As for sleep and controlling your thoughts. I would suggest that it is far more important for you to get sleep than to revisit those days especially with your school schedule being so heavy.

[kayc]

One loss can trigger memories of another loss and bring it all back. I am so sorry you are going through all this.

[Jenjen2]

I've got to go to another funeral on Monday for my sisters boyfriends dad it's at the same place as my dad's I'm going to support my sister as my mum can't face it but feeling quite scared

[MartyT]

You may find this article helpful, my dear: Facing Another Funeral, Without 'Falling Apart' (and be sure to follow the links at the base of the post as well).

[Jenjen2]

Found the main article really helpful thank you I can relate to so much of that the holding it all together for everyone else so many people at work told me to make sure I put myself first and gave myself time and I never really listened to them and I really think I need to start to

I worked in a school and when it first happened I threw myself into work and refused any time off I had half term but kept myself so busy and the funeral and day after off but that was it. They wouldn't let me work with the kids so I did odd random jobs but would not let myself stop I stayed late putting going home off and now I am off work on summer holidays it's has hit me as I left my job to go back to university at the end of the month I haven't had to keep going onto the school to get ready for September or prepare any work at home and it has begun to hit me so much mofre now

Hope that makes sense

[mfh]

Yes, Jen. It is time to start taking care of yourself. No one else is going to do that and if you do not take care of yourself, you will end up being sick. Grief is very hard on the body...stress and emotional turmoil take their toll. It is also understandable why you don't want to go home and yet home also feels safe. Please take care of you. Do one more thing each day just for you.

[kayc]

You've been given good advice here, it's true, no one will do it for you, it's up to you to see to it that you take care of yourself. It's okay to put yourself first instead of taking care of everyone else. I wish you well with school.

[Jenjen2]

I wanted to say thank you for the messages they really do help I've always found it hard to put myself first I'm scared of hurting someone else when it first happened my mum and sister found it really hard to cope with my older brother has learning difficulties so didn't really understand it all so I stepped up to support them all my nan came to stay but kept saying your mum needs you she wanted to go in the chapel of rest so I went too as she couldn't go on her own and now finding it really hard to put myself first it just doesn't seem natural

[mfh]

Jen, I came across this article today and you may find it helpful. It is: Grief: Why Is It So Hard To Take Care of Myself?

http://www.griefspeaksout.com/2014/04/grief-why-is-it-so-hard-to-take-care-of.html

[kayc]

I know, I've struggled with that too, but I learned a long time ago that if you don't first take care of yourself, you won't be here to take care of anybody else.

[Jenjen2]

Just got back from the funeral it went really well and wasn't as bad as I thought I would be it was a lovely service and helped me to remember my dads

[kayc]

I'm glad it went well. I remember how hard it was to attend funerals after my husband died, it just reminded me and brought it all back.

[Jenjen2]

been sorting through my emails today for the first time in ages I deleted over 5000 emails that's how long its been but when I came to emails from my dad I just cannot bare to delete them even stupid ones where he was sending me links which no longer work or vouchers which are expired I've got emails from him dating back to 2008 but cannot delete them

[mfh]

...and why should you? They mean something to you. Deleting 5000+ has to feel good but do save those that have meaning.

[Jenjen2]

I just thought as my mum is beginning to sort through his clothes and things that I should try I still have his phone number on my phone I just don't want to keep like this and want to move in but when I try it's just too hard still

[MartyT]

If it feels too hard, my dear, it simply means that you are not yet ready to do it. Just because you don't feel ready now does not mean that you never will. One thing we've all learned about grief is that it changes, and your grief will change too. Grief is a process, not a single event, and it takes place over time. You won't always feel the way you feel today ~ but it is important that you tune into what you're feeling right now and pay attention to those feelings.

I wonder what would happen if you tried to be more patient with yourself? ♥

[Jenjen2]

It's hard to be patient but I will keep trying

[kayc]

I still have some of my husband's "trinkets" laying around, as if he's going to come back and use them! Some things I don't even know what they are but I've hung on to them...and it's been nine years! If it brings us comfort, what's the harm in that? I have adjusted to his loss, as well as I can, I still miss him though and that's to be expected. Some people are just irreplaceable! I would say I have "moved on" (although I still hate that term) in the sense that I've adjusted, I'm coping, I make decisions, I'm dealing with life. But I miss him each and every day and continue to have a "George shaped hole" in my heart. How could it be otherwise?

We know when it's time to let go of something...I went through his clothes, gave away his trailers, sold his car, but we do need some things around to remind us of them...some things that say they were here and they existed and they loomed large in our lives.