My Girlfriend's Sister Died

[Mike98]

I was with my girlfriend for 6 months and we were completely fine during that time. It wasn't until the end of June when her sister died that things changed.

It was the Sunday this happened and I was due to go on holiday with my family the following Thursday. Anyway, I remained there for her and we texted each other and she wanted me there. She even went to her school prom on the Monday as her sister was the one who wanted her to in the first place.

I was able to see her on the Wednesday for half an hour before I'd be going away for 2 weeks. We sat in her room and talked about how she was, prom, laughed and joked a little, and then she had to go and we hugged for a while and I was able to see her mum and nan and stepdad.

I then left and it was that night before I went that she started texting me saying she was sorry, truly sorry, and that she didn't know how long it was going to be until she was going to be okay or if she ever would be but that she didn't want for me to have to sit around and wait for her. I reassured her that I wasn't going to leave her and she ended up accepting this.

We continued talking for the two weeks I was away, both by texting and snapchat. This was throughout the hard times of arranging the funeral and the funeral itself, however, overall she was fine with me during this period. She had also decided that she was going to go on the school trip that she had planned to go on with her friends abroad the last year for 2 weeks which she would leave for the Monday before I came back and would have no communication there.

She had her off moments whilst texting but I put that down to grief and overall she still seemed interested. I got back from my holiday and would have to wait 10 days for her to come back. She ended up getting home a day earlier than expected and was on her phone for about 20 minutes and didn't bother to text me she was back (something I only knew through social media of her other friends). I sent her a message that night saying "You're back???" And got a reply in the morning of "yeah," which was disappointing considering that's all she could say after 2 weeks of not hearing from me. Considering she'd said things like I wish you wasn't going and I wish you were here and things and she didn't want me to go as she didn't want to be alone.

I asked her how the trip was and that and then brought in if I could see her anytime soon to which I got the reply of "erm not yet," I didn't mean to persist but said I know she didn't want me round hers as that didn't feel right but it could be round mine to which I got replies of "idk" "mmm". I then said sorry if I was annoying her and she then said "Its just I don't particularly want to be with someone right now" and this hit me hard to which I said "Well we don't have to do the normal couple things and see each other regularly and talk all fun and happy and laugh but I don't want you out of my life...like I'll just see you when you'd be up to spend just a little time with someone else other than family and I don't expect it to be like normal but I would just be there as someone to talk to like with no pressure to act like a couple" and then she said that wasn't right and I said I was okay with it and she then was like "ah mike" and then I said could it not work and she then repeated that "I can't explain but I just don't want to be with someone like its not specifically you." I was desperate at the time asking would me acting like a friend atm not work and she said she didn't know and that still talking would be weird but she couldn't stop me.

From that day I texted her just a little the following day just asking how she was to which she replied fine thanks and asked me, we got back to general talk however the conversation was one-sided with me asking all the questions and her most of the time seemingly disinterested and only rarely replying enthusiastically. It hurts as she is still able to talk to her friends and snapchat them as I see her go online and off throughout the day. Also, I saw her pictures of her on holiday with many with this boy looking way too comfortable for my liking. This not helped when just this Saturday she was tagged in another with him with comments from her friends about them being cute and "holiday luv" etc and him and her replying jokingly to it "ikr so romantic corr" and such. And to top it off the boy is her "best friend" on the snapchat app which means she's texting him the most and has been since she's back.

All of that made me stop the patient game and just flat out ask to see her to which she said why and I said "I care about you too much to just lose contact with you completely and I would just like to see you to just talk about things" and she then said "Erm right well im busy for a while doing what my mum wants to do and seeing my family and things so" and I then asked her if she would tell when I can see her and that we can meet wherever to which she said yeah if you really want, and I then said I really do, her finally replying "right okay."

That's where it's been left from Saturday and now I plan on awaiting her to reply to tell me when she can meet. So, I ask, what do you thinks appropriate to ask when I see her and how long should I leave her before I get in contact again if she doesn't contact me like she has said she will?

Thanks.

[kayc]

Hi, I'm sorry I took so long responding, I've been gone the last few days.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation...as you can tell from this section, this is, unfortunately, all too common.

When someone is grieving, they can be ultra sensitive and often need some space. They need NO pressure and can even take "I love you" or "I miss you" as pressure, thinking you require something from them in return...when they're in a grief mode, they have nothing TO give, it is taking everything within them just to make it through the day. It's also common for them to break up as they can't handle doing a relationship at the same time. I'm hoping this won't be the case in your situation, but it will require restraint and extra sensitivity on your part for where she's coming from, and great patience. She knows how to get a hold of you and if she feels the need to see you, she will contact you. She doesn't need pressure though.

Your best bet would be to busy yourself with other people and activities right now. Maybe a very simple note stating "thinking of you" or "praying for you during this very hard place", but not much more. Maybe sign it "with love" but honestly, I wouldn't say more than that.

Good luck and I hope you'll keep us posted as things transpire.

[Mike98]

Hey there. Well I texted her tonight asking how she was and she said okay and asked of me and then after that I told her I hope she felt I'd given her some space and asked if she would like to keep it like that or resume texting. She said that she didn't know so I then brought up whether the reason was because she didn't want me waiting for her still, something she'd mentioned before. She said that was the case and if I did wait for her it would be a waste and then said nothing is going to change and that she was sorry. After that I asked whether it would be out of the question to go back to texting with no pressures to which she said no but it is was up to me, saying to me that it would be knowing we wouldn't be getting back together. I asked if I had done anything wrong for that to be the case to which she said the same of nothing and not wanting to be with someone. Then I asked her that is what she wants is to text as friends for now, her saying if I really wanted to. And now there I've left it.

Now I just plan on texting her tomorrow and seeing how she responds and where we can go on from there. If I find the conversation still one-sided I will ask her what she would like me to do, carrying on like that getting us nowhere. I know I don't want to be just friends with her but this is the only option I have I guess unless I give up completely so I'll see.

[kayc]

I would wait a while before texting as she already indicated that nothing is going to change that it's up to you and knowing you won't be back together and only wants to text if you really want to...in other words, it doesn't sound like she really wants to, in which case it will be viewed as unwanted pressure. What good is that? I'd give her more space for a good long while before trying to be friends. She needs to see you can respect her wishes before she'll be able to be friends even.

I know how hard this is for you. Today it's been exactly four years and I went back and reread my thread (Here I go again) in it's entirety. I see things with a different perspective now than I did at the time.

[Mike98]

I decided against my plan of texting her today to see how she replied to me, instead I think leaving her be like you said is the wisest decision for now. However, I do think I will just drop her a text on our exam results day to see how she done which is Thursday week. See how things are then. Thank you for the advice so far.

[kayc]

That seems like a perfect time/reason with no perceived pressure on her part. Good luck to you!

[Mike98]

Hey there! So I messaged her last night wishing her good luck on her results for today and she responded well telling me she wanted to know what I got and aw thanks you too and such. She then said how she was really scared and that and I shouldn't be, I'm a genius. I left it after that and she messaged me the next morning asking how I'd done and we then exchanged results and such and she asked further questions on it and said well done hunnib and such and we talked about how we were both celebrating and joked a bit and now I've just wished her to have fun whatever she ends up doing and left it there.

Given how she's responded much more enthusiastically I think I will now message her every other day or so to see how she is and progress from there.

[kayc]

Try not to over respond, take it slow, okay? Remember, she's in a fragile state, you don't want to scare her off. They have ups and downs, just be careful, okay? I don't want to see you run with a good day and scare her off. Good luck though!

[Mike98]

You're right, it's true I did message her at a good time and I can't expect her to always respond so well even if that's what I want, but at least I know she still somewhat cares. I'll spread out the messaging a bit more than previously planned and see how things are the next time I do and go from there. Thanks.

[kayc]

Good luck, I hope it is received well!

[Mike98]

Hey! So the last few days I've been texting her after initating contact on the Monday and overall she's maintained good communication like before, ups and downs but mostly up which is why I remained in contact. We stopped this morning and that's fine with me. She's also hosting a party tonight (well, right now) which she told me about, at her own house which I find a bit soon seeing as it's only 2 months today since her sister passed. It's progress for us but I'm making sure not to delude myself. For now I'm not sure whether to message her tomorrow simply asking how the party was or to leave it a couple of days more, we'll see.

[kayc]

She's hosting a party but you weren't invited? Maybe wait a couple of days then.

[Mike98]

I've seen pictures tonight and it seems to be an all girls thing so that's most probably the reason. Plus with it being nearly 2 months since we've last seen each other wouldn't the first time being at a party not be the right occasion?

[kayc]

You're right, although it could be fun for you!

[Mike98]

Ah well! I was wondering though when I should bring up possibly meeting her, obviously in a way that makes her feel no pressure to agree. Also, I should mention that she's the type that even if she did want to see me she'd wait for me to ask, I don't know why, it's always been me arranging things I guess even when everything was normal.

[Mike98]

So today her friend put on their snapchat story (which is pictures everyone friends with her can see) of her tagging it with "lol at mikes life" and then another two saying "I love BLAH BLAH" and "I am Mrs BLAH" (blah being the boy who was in her holiday pictures and who I know she's been texting since she got back and still is). They were only up for a couple of minutes until her friend took them down - whether that's because I'd seen it by then or my ex didn't want me to I don't know.

This has basically confirmed that my suspicions of there being something there with the boy were right and now leads me to think that the reason she broke up with me when she got back from her holiday is because of him, saying she didn't want to be with someone right now not true if she's able to have feelings for someone else...I had previously planned to text her tomorrow and if I do I feel I need to confront her about this finally...

[kayc]

I'm not saying you should confront her, but if it was me, I definitely would, just because I can't stand deception and would want to know where I stand and the truth. I'm sorry. It could be the grief has affected her though. I've seen many times where they broke up with the old partner and started a new just because the old one reminded them of the time when their loved one was still alive or they feel guilty for spending time with old partner instead of loved one who ended up dying. Such a not fair position for you to be in!

[Mike98]

Thank you for the support. I've decided that I will text her tomorrow asking her what her friend's snapchat was about to initiate things and then based on her response ask her questions directly. Whether her answers hurt me more or not at least I'll known the honest truth and be able to move on without any false hope remaining.

[Mike98]

So I asked her what it was all about and she said that her friend thought she was funny and I then asked specifically of the "lol at my life" and she said she didn't know, she didn't tell her to, saying her friend thought she was funny again. I then asked if she knew she wanted to break up before she went on holiday and after convincing her to tell me she said before and I then asked about whether she knew before she last saw me (which was the day before I left for my holiday) and she said slightly. I asked why she couldn't tell me that then and she said she thought she would be fine. Then I said what she would like me to do from now on as far as contacting goes and she said "well, idrc," I then said well I'm asking what you want now and she said she doesn't want anything. Whether that's from me specifically or anyone I don't know, I haven't replied to that.

I had planned for this to be a final confrontation of sorts but it's turned out different...I don't know whether I should go into no contact completely now or still resume the messaging to once a week or so with no real expectations...it's confused me.

[kayc]

So she knew she didn't want to be with you but didn't tell you right away...maybe hoping her feelings would change, maybe trying to avoid the inevitable. She says she doesn't want anything...meaning she doesn't want contact? That's what she was responding to. I personally would not contact her again, wait and see what happens.

[Mike98]

It's hard because I keep reading over what she put and it could be that she just doesn't want anything from anyone but that doesn't mean she won't accept it. She said well idrc when she could have flat out said she'd rather I didn't contact her if she really felt that way, maybe indifferent to it as she is to everything else. I had come up with something to say if I was to message her a week from now or whenever I did saying I'm sorry for bringing up the relationship talk before and I understand that you don't want anything and I'm fine being a friend if that's all you can handle. For me, closing contact with her completely would be shutting out the smallest possibility there is of there being a future for us if I was stick it out by remaining there as a friend. But then I know I'm probably tricking myself into the idea of this false hope and maybe I just can't let go and need to learn to...but then I think what do I lose by staying as a friend that I don't already by going NC...

[kayc]

I don't know what idrc means.

But I do know that relationship talk pressures them and they can't handle it, they'll cave. Sometimes the damage can't be reversed if it's gotten to that point. Seriously, I'd focus on yourself and try to start healing.

[Mike98]

Oh it's short for I don't really care...anyway, I've decided to avoid contact with her and as you say begin healing and start focusing on myself. I look at it that if she ever truly valued what we had she would then eventually come back to me rather than someone else...but is that expecting too much from her? Well, I'll just take it at one day at a time and maybe two months later from now when it's her sister's birthday drop her a short message of acknowledgement if I feel that's right for the time. Thanks for the help through this!

[kayc]

That sounds like a good plan. That's what opened lines of communication for me and Jim, it was about three months after he broke up with me, 3 1/2 months since I'd seen him, when I got notice his mom had died that I sent him a hand made sympathy card...he called me the night he got it. Of course you can't expect that this will happen for you because everyone's different, and two months is a lot sooner but it shouldn't hurt either. You may find after time that you feel differently than you do now as the healing progresses. That's okay too and might help if you decide to be friends on down the road. I know you can't see that now, but for us, it's worked out for the best. I'll always have feelings for him but I've totally accepted that we aren't going to be more than friends.

[Mike98]

It would be 4 months since I'd seen her by then though and 3 months since we broke up. If for example she did end up with this boy I don't think I could forgive that and be there for her as a genuine friend whilst that happened, different to if she remained single and was working on herself and was sincere with her reason of not wanting to be with someone and it not being an excuse of sorts. Only time will tell I guess and I'll know these answers without having to force myself in her life, that's something that's not natural. I'm back to school now so I'll be able to focus on work and such which will help. Thanks again.