Swimming

[Donnacas]

I feel like I'm on the very bottom of the ocean. It's deep and dark and I know I'm going to drown soon if I don't get to the surface and breathe. But I can't see the way up. I'm swimming and swimming but tire isn't a single glimmer of light to guide me. I don't even know if I'm going in the right direction. And it's not my lungs that are about to burst, but my heart. This grief is crushing me and as hard as I'm trying to find my way out of it for my kids, if nothing else, I feel like if I don't get at least a tiny bit of relief soon, I'm going to drown.

[kayc]

I'm sure you are feeling very overwhelmed with no hope in sight. This is a journey of faith and hope. Those who have gone before you and survived this are leading the way and letting you know that it will not feel this intense forever. Little by little you will adjust to your new life. You will always miss your spouse, but you will learn to reach for him in your heart and find him there. This is the hardest journey I have ever been on, but I have learned to do it, you will too. Let your faith carry you, believe in what you cannot see, we're telling you that it exists, you'll make it. We're here to hold your hand through this journey until you're ready to walk on your own.

[feralfae]

Do you have a grief counselor, or a support group there where you live? Do you have a good friend who can hold you while you cry? Because it sounds to me as though you need to have some strong emotional support around you. I know from experience that good support is not always at hand, but I hope you have someone to whom you can turn.

To relieve the tension, I found that walking helped, and so did standing in the middle of my living room and wailing and screaming. If you don't live where you can to that, because of the noise, maybe you can get in your car and drive somewhere safe to make noise there.

You ARE going in the right direction. I know it does not feel like it, but the very fact that you can come here and articulate how you are feeling is a healthy sign. Keep talking and letting it out. Hit pillows. Dig holes in the yard. Kick the side of the house. Tear up old newspapers. I did all those things, and it helped to let go of some of the tension.

I know others will have more sharing for you on how to get through these days. You will get through them. It is a slow and very painful journey, but you are making it, one day and one hour at a time. {{{HUGS}}}

Blessings,

fae

[enna]

Good Morning Donna,

Oh, I am so sorry that you are having those dreams ~ they are so unsettling. Whether it be swimming or sitting in a deep hole or running from one end of a maze to another and never finding a way out it is an expression of just how great your pain is. It may not seem like you will but slowly and with some grief work you will rise to the top and begin to breath a little easier.

Your grief is so raw and it will take time before that crushing feeling you are experiencing eases up.

Finding someone who understands grief is such a comfort and help. Those of us here can listen with an open heart and allow you to talk without any judgments. We have been where you are now.

I have been working on my grief now for almost 27 months and I can tell you that things do get better. A grief counselor, a support group, this forum, reading about grief, trying to understand what happened to me has taken work ~ work that continues on daily. The waves of grief still come and they always will but I have a better understanding of what has happened to who I used to be and who I am becoming.

One of the most helpful things for me has been to allow the feelings to come and at the same time remember that they will pass. I cry when I need to, I write or journal often, I have or am beginning to meditate, I have even started to become more active in volunteer work ~ all this is a far cry from hiding under the covers, isolating myself, thinking that my life is over, or even wishing that I wasn’t on the face of the earth anymore. Grief changes us and I believe that as we change we are not alone ~ our loved ones are walking right along side of us.

Anne

[melina]

Donnacas,

I've been thinking about you, since much of what you posted when you first arrived reminded me so much of my own grief. I've just been waiting for time to reply properly.

I remember feeling as though I was trapped in an underground tunnel with no light at the end, suffocating from grief. I felt desperate and in utter despair. I recall buying boxes of Kleenex and went through every one. But I never cried in front of my kids. I was afraid to. So I cried in the shower and cried/screamed in the car when I was alone. I didn't want to sleep, because going to bed meant having to wake up to this nightmare, and all I could do was try to live from moment to moment - though each moment was pure pain and desperation. No one understood, no one wanted to deal with my overwhelming grief and I had nobody to turn to - apart from a grief counselor that was actually in the hospital room when my husband died. She has been my rock for the last four years. I also got in touch with this group just a few days after his death - and people here really helped me through the worst of it because they got it.

I lost my husband four years ago. We have four sons, and the youngest had just graduated from high school when they lost their father. Our financial situation was a mess.

I was in shock that first year, and my kids dealt with their father's death in different ways. The oldest and the youngest just shut down and lost interest in everything. The oldest had just gotten married - my husband and I attended his wedding about a month before he died. So my oldest son had a wife to help him with his grief, but he was unable to continue his Masters degree studies. My youngest son just stayed at home for a year, hiding in his room, while I tried to get him interested in work or college. My kids have since managed okay. I think in many ways they have had an easier time dealing with their grief than I have. I feel bad for them often - thinking how much easier life would be for everyone if I still had a husband and they still had a father, but we just have to manage as best we can. There is no alternative.

The desperation you're feeling now will ease up. I didn't think it ever would and I was terrified by everything in life. I had a lot of adrenalin from the shock, so I did many things just after my husband died. Looking back, a lot of it seemed a little manic. But I also did a lot of crying and - like I said - screaming while alone in the car. I still cry in the car sometimes, but I feel less need to cry now than I did then. I would cry on the phone a lot - talking to insurance companies and other agencies about money. Now four years later, my dog still runs upstairs every time I use the phone.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I remember so well that horrible, painful despair that you're going through. That feeling of not coming up for air, or being buried alive. I looked so frantically to find someone who would understand - and above all, help me. Family and friends pulled away - maybe a little fearful of this new needy person I'd become.

This group is a place where you can come when you're feeling this way. We may not always help, but we'll try, and someone will always answer you. Someone will always understand.

All I can tell you is that this too will pass - but it will take time. I remember someone telling me - from this group - that you can't step around grief on your journey, you have to wade through it. And not only wade through it - but hack your way through it. Think of it as a jungle in a swamp. That's how it feels. You may think you'll never survive - but you will. If I could get through this - anyone can. I still feel sad - but not so afraid, and life doesn't seem as hopeless and bleak.

About college for your sons - there must be some sort of scholarship fund for families who have very little money. I'll try to ask people I know about that. I live in Norway, and tuition here is free, but my kids all attended college in other countries and had to take up student loans. I would imagine students loans are available in the states too?

Hang in there - and come here often. I tried a physical support group, which didn't help me. But my grief counselor has become a necessary part of my life. You may want to make time for that. I had to, and I'm glad I did.

Melina

[mfh]

My dear Donna,

I do know those feelings of drowning in grief. I called it my tsunami of grief...and it felt as if I was being carried out to a dark sea. Gradually the waves lost a lot or even most of their power and came further and further apart...though they still come but with time and awareness we gain some confidence that they are not going to drown us. Are you seeing a counselor? It is a bit early for a support group but down the road that might be good also. I sought out an individual grief counselor early on and a support group about 4 months after Bill died. It helped a great deal and I urge you to consider that path. So many here have felt exactly what you feel and we are all still here. Do keep posting those feelings and sharing what is happening with you. Also read the posts of others and articles on early grief. It all helps, truly. I am so sorry this is so painful. I do understand, believe me. Patience became my most used word.

[ohsosad]

I didn't want to start a new topic because my topic is nothing new - it's just the same pain discussed in "swimming." Today would have been our 40th wedding anniversary. We were saying throughout the year, wow, can you believe it will be 40 years soon? Well, we didn't make it. Seven and 1/2 weeks short.

I dreamed last night Steve and I had a big fight and he decided we couldn't stay together. He went on a 3 week trip to Europe and was not going to come back to live with me but rather find a new place. I felt so horrible in the dream until I thought - we can work this out! - I'll call and tell him I'm sorry I hurt him and ask that he please come back home. When I had that thought, the awful ache went away because I convinced myself we'd be back together as soon as I talked to him. Then I woke up and reality hit hard once again. The awful ache returned. He's not coming back.

Very hard day for me today.

[ohsosad]

Forgot my name again - Rita.

I have started going to groups but I agree it may be too early for group because I just sit and sob and say nothing. I have talked to a hospice social worker who is a pastor but his focus is a little too religious-oriented for me. However, I will go again just because I think the talking it out makes it more real and more able for my mind to accept the reality. I hope after a few more group meetings I can start to speak up.

Rita

[MartyT]

Rita, my dear, I just want to acknowledge your willingness to continue attending your grief support group even though it is so hard to do so. That is the very definition of courage, and I so admire you for that.♥

[kayc]

Rita,

You are doing what you can and that's the way through this. You might give this person three tries and if you're still not comfortable, try another counselor. It's okay to cry, your group has been there, they'll understand.

[mfh]

Rita, I honor the actions and efforts you are pouring into your journey. Those dreams can be so difficult and waking up to remember what is real and hurtful is so hard. I remember well. I, too, think the support group is a wise choice and I applaud you for going.