No Focus

[Donnacas]

Six weeks. It's been six weeks. I fluctuate between being angry at the whole world, feeling completely hopeless and defeated by life, and trying to figure out how to plan for the future. My head is still such a mess, I suspect I shouldn't be trying to interact with other people because my tolerance seems to have died with my love and so has my staying power. I make a list of the things I need to do each day, and looking at it, it doesn't seem like a lot, but somehow I never make it through the list, and end up sitting in Jim's chair, staring at the tv like a zombie. My last semester of school has started and I MUST finish if I'm to support myself and my children but I can't seem to retain anything from class. I need some focus but I don't know where to find it.

[JeL]

6 weeks may feel like a blink of an eye and a long long tunnel since your life changed. I'm very sorry for your loss and the challenges you're facing. I'm on the same journey but started several months before you did.....my husband died almost one year ago.

One important lesson I'm learning is to "just be" as much as I can amidst working full time & widowhood projects/priorities.

For me, making time for introspection is crucial, exhausting, calming, insightful. I have many hours when I sit like a zombie and stare, too. I think we need that quiet time ....distraction? re-charging? grief processing? .... it's honoring a need to take care of my heart and mind.

Mental focus still does not come easy but I'm grateful I have a job I like, income & structure in my days. I wish for you that you find adequate focus to complete your last semester. ....one assignment at a time.

Take good care, Jo

[SadLynn]

Dear Donnacas,

Every feeling you have expressed is one that I fully understand. It has been almost 5 months since I started this journey alone without my husband. My counselor told me to focus on doing 5 things everyday and only 5 things. That list of 5 included getting out of bed everyday and getting dressed, brushing my teeth and eating. Once I could do those 5 things everyday without thinking about it then I could add something new to the list. You are already making a list and that is good. Don't be hard on yourself if you don't finish the list everyday, but be glad you are up and trying. You will find the ability to focus more clearly as the time goes by, but you need to realize that you are doing better than you think. I don't know if you believe in God but if you do, please ask him to help you everyday by giving you a clear mind and peace to live that day, moment by moment and he will and I will also be praying for you. As for retaining what is being taught in class, you may have to try and record what is being said in class so you can listen to it later and it is okay to ask for help from fellow classmates and your instructors. You will make it through this time and it will get easier.

God Bless you,

Donna

[mfh]

Dear Donnacas,

I know this journey is so very challenging. All of what you are experiencing including poor focus are all normal responses at this time. At six weeks you are very raw, exhausted and perhaps still in the fog that hovers in these very early days. I hear you saying you must finish school and I get that but can you consider postponing those classes until next semester without losing anything but a couple of months? If not, is there a fellow student you could study with as a support? Just thoughts.

Journaling some of that anger and pain may help and getting as much rest as possible also. I am so very sorry you are hurting so much. I do know that pain well.

[kayc]

I was going to suggest the same thing, maybe asking if you can start the classes next semester, usually you can for such a reason if it's by a certain date without financial harm. If not, recording the classes sounds like a great idea, so does studying with a partner. I had to go back to work after two weeks and even had to come in and do payroll during that first two weeks and I tell you, it was really tough, focus was gone and I caught myself making mistakes that I've never made! This is the toughest thing you've ever tried to do, so if you can take it slower, it'd help.

[Donnacas]

Postponing is not an option. There is no money to live on that long.

[kayc]

Talk to the professors and let them know what is going on in your life and that you're having difficulty focusing, ask for their suggestions/input. Record the classes. Find a study partner. I will be praying for your to make it through with passing grades. Your determination is commendable, I wish you the best in the outcome. I know I have made it through much, you may surprise yourself as well.

[bosspark]

Oh, I so understand...my husband died six weeks ago as well,and now my school year has started...I am expected to teach and inspire middle schoolers when I can hardly figure out how to get out of bed in the morning...I am going to try and make a list as well....and I will be forgiving of myself...that seems to make sense. This forum is wonderful...I am glad for both of us that we found it. I think it will be a great deal of help. God bless you and watch over you in your grief.

[feralfae]

Dear boss park,

I am so very sorry to hear that you have lost your beloved husband. I barely remember 6 weeks after Doug died. I was in such deep grief that it was still a checklist to brush the teeth and wash the face, and getting dressed back then resulted in some incredibly clashing outfits, and I did not care at all. I lost Doug on 7 February, 2012, after several years of our best efforts to overcome colon cancer that was stage IV when it was found. Doug was always a hero, and he put up an heroic struggle. Just today, I pulled out a pair of his work gloves to move some wood outside, and I could smell his individual scent in the gloves. I still wear his shirts sometimes around the house. But finally, after this long time, I have some peace with his leaving.

This is a journey that is unique for each of us. But we have this in common: we gather here to share our pain and our healing, and by our sharing, we lighten the load of grief that each of us must carry. We also share each other's progress as we heal. I am sure you already know that this grief journey is going to take as long as it takes, and when we find a place of balance, it will be a new normal, not the old normal. To step onto this healing path is to become open to looking at life in new ways, because that is what is required to navigate this journey. Here, we share our journey, and give each other support. This is a circle of listening, understanding, and compassionate people, grieving and healing. I am very glad you have found your way to this gathering around Marty's healing fire. There is a richness of resources here, beginning with Marty and Mary. They are our wonderful moderators and counselors.

Are you at a school where you might get some leave time if you want to take it? Would it be appropriate to share your grief in a gentle way with your classes?, because our culture needs better openness about grief. It might help with your healing. I am just so sorry you have come to this place for the reason we all are here. I have been here since about a year after Doug left, having spent the first year in total numbness, trying to carry on at the office alone, and hardly able to admit that Doug would not be back from a trip any day now. But here, I have healed a great deal, and now I am able to do lots of things, even if some days are still tough.

bosspark, be as gentle and compassionate as you can with yourself every day. Remember to take care of your precious body's physical needs for healthy food, good water, enough rest, time for meditation and prayer, and being around people who can hug and love you and give you emotional support. I hope you have a grief counselor and perhaps also a grief support group.

Please tell us a little about yourself and your dear husband I love the picture you posted. He looks exactly like a pontificating college professor, but for all I know, he may have been anything. You two are a lovely couple.

Welcome among us. I hope your days each bring some peace and a great deal of loving memories and thoughts. Mostly, right now, remember to take very good care of yourself. Take all the love you feel and give it to yourself. We are all here to help you along on this journey. I was so very numb and afraid, lost and off balance. Everyone here has helped me these past 30 months, to slowly be able to walk into the world again with pretty good balance, and with my heart healing but not as numb and frightened.

Blessings to your heart and *<fairy dust>* of blessings, joy, prayers, and healing thoughts,

*<twinkles>*

feralfae

[enna]

bosspark,

I am so very sorry to hear that you have lost your husband. Such a shock it must have been for him to go so quickly.

I can tell you that when you are a caregiver one of the first things we do is question our care ~ did I do enough, was I aware of his needs. All those “should haves” start to creep into our conscious minds. It is normal for you to wonder and go over things in your mind at this time. Your grief is so very raw and the shock of his death has probably not even hit you yet. One thing I learned about “guilt” is that it will always be there but we do learn to accept that we did the best we could at the time.

You don’t ever “get over” the death of a loved one. You learn to weave the loss into your life one day at a time.

Your grief journey is just beginning. I am sorry you are here but glad that you found this place. We understand. We listen. We are here to support you.

Tell us about your husband. What is his name? If you like, share with us something about you so we can get to know you.

Anne

[kayc]

bosspark,

I see you've found your way over to this section. You will find good support here, we've all been there for each other, and walk this journey together and we welcome you to our tribe.

My husband's sudden death was a shock to me, to say the least, and I had to return to work two weeks later, even going in to do payroll in the first two weeks. It was hard to focus and my job was for a company that made military airplane parts and required complete perfection. As Office Manager and Bookkeeper, I did a variety of jobs, including ordering to MIL spec, shipping, receiving, checking certificatons, etc. One mistake could be disastrous! I've always been a perfectionist so this was no problem...until my husband died. I honestly don't know how I got through it but somehow I did, and you will too. It's been nine years since my husband passed. Those early months were a blur, I remember feeling anxious, scared, frantic, getting very little sleep, needing to talk and everyone disappeared on me.

I am so glad we will be here to walk with you as you go through this.

[Queeniemary]

Boss Park, I am so very sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how difficult this school year will be for you. Was your husband sick for an extended time? My husband died 56 months ago, and it was a very sudden unexpected death. It took a long time to come out of the fog. I had just had a total knee replacement 2 days before he died. I was fortunate that my daughter was able to come and stay with me for a month and help me. I will be praying for you, as you struggle with grief, and try to give the best that you can to your students. HUGS

QMary

[bosspark]

Thank you so much. Wayne had Parkinsons disease for years, but he had declined to the extent that I had to have at home care for him when I was at school for the last two years. I had always heard that Parkinsons disease doesn't kill directly, so I thought that by doing things like keeping him safe from falls, providing physical and occupational therapy, making sure his food was swallowable, and keeping him away from upper respiratory things like colds that I could keep him going indefinitely. We hadn't even talked about end of life decisions, because Lewey Body Dementia had affected his thinking toward the end. So when one day last month when I put him down for a nap, which was part of our regular routine, and later couldn't wake him up, I was really in the dark about how to proceed. I had been in contact with Hospice because I was hoping to get palliative care for him because I thought it would be helpful to have the nurse come once a week. But when they came to talk to me about hospice, Wayne was unresponsive and was, as they told me, in the process of actively dying. He died about two and a half days after lying down for that nap. Every day before this we just dealt with every day's promises and challenges...it was a good leg day, so I would have him walk a bit to his wheelchair, or it was a not a good leg day, and I would take the wheelchair to him. I had moved a bed downstairs for him because it would be easier when school started to have the caregivers not have to take him downstairs on the stairlift. So I signed him up for hospice care on Thursday evening, and 24 hours later he was gone. Over and over I get stuck on the idea that I let him down by not using more aggressive treatment to roust him. It may be the hospital wouldn't have even admitted a man of his years (87) who was unresponsive. I took my cue from his mom who was a nurse. When she was taking care of Wayne's father, the ultimate rule she had was that she would not allow any treatment that would have caused him pain. Wayne was "sleeping" so very peacefully... and I was a basket case. I kept thinking he would wake up. His death was attended by me, his oldest daughter, and his two grandkids, but because he never woke up we couldn't officially say goodbye to him.

Yes, in answer to your question, it was an unexpected death...to me.

(I hope it is okay to talk about my own experiences in a forum post that Donnacas began because of her grief. I will pray for you as the semester goes on, Donnacas. And will rejoice with you when the semester ends. God bless you and all those who have experienced this loss.)

[mfh]

There are many similarities to your story and my own. From what you say, it is so very clear to me that you were such an incredible caregiver and did all anyone could do and more. We do the best we can and death comes when it will. He died peacefully and you were with him and I believe he knew that. Like you, though I knew Bill was going to die of alzheimer's I thought it was far off into the future...like two years. So when a doctor told me he has a week or two, I was one shocked woman. As it turned out he lived another week and of course, like so many, I wondered where I failed. Guilt seems to be part of the journey because we love so much and want so much for our beloveds...we want perfect as I said before and it does not exist. He had a peaceful death with those he loved around him. I know you miss him terribly....just as I miss my Bill and we are all here surrounding you as you grieve.

Yes, it is fine to post where Donnacas did. It happens all the time....it is just the flow of things that help everyone.

[kayc]

Lewy Bodies is a disease you can't fight. You can do your best to stave it off, you can try to preclude the falling, but in the end, if will get you. I watched my mom's decline with Lewy Bodies and probably felt just as helpless as you. For a while I thought maybe it could go on for years more, but all of a sudden she went down and that was it. She died ten days ago. You didn't fail, it's just the disease gets the upper hand no matter what we do. You gave him the best possible care. It's amazing to me that you did so without hospice right up to the end.

[MartyT]

My dear, you said of your beloved, I kept thinking he would wake up. His death was attended by me, his oldest daughter, and his two grandkids, but because he never woke up we couldn't officially say goodbye to him.

About this matter of saying goodbye, you're certainly not the first person to feel that way ~ but I want to share with you two articles that I hope will bring you some small measure of comfort and peace:

[bosspark]

Yes, I think the Lewy Bodies must have impacted his death. His OT, the day before he lay down for the nap he didn't wake up from, had seen physical movement clues in Wayne that I didn't discern. She had had a client with LBD and the same physical clues that Wayne had that day, and her client declined and died, quickly,like Wayne did. I tried going to see his doctor to find out what had happened,but his doctor did not really give me any satisfactory answers. I think maybe the whole thing is way beyond something anybody can understand. Having read Parkinson's Disease caregiver blogs, I understand that his death was blessedly serene... for several days I have told myself, "good life, good death." I've been scanning photographs of Wayne or a memorial service next spring. He had a wonderful long life, only the end of which was messed up by the Parkinson's and Lewey Body. And I had a wonderful life with him for 32 years. I just have to figure out how to get on without him.

[bosspark]

Thank you, Marty, for sharing those articles. Maybe it truly is less important to say goodbye than I was thinking it was. Why ask for closure when I feel our hearts are still entwined?

[feralfae]

I have not been able to say goodbye to Doug, even though I held him as he left his body. HIs spirit is so very present with me, through all the days and hours of my life, that there cannot be a goodbye. Doug was with me for my emergency spine surgery, talking to me and with me, encouraging me and giving me support. He has been with me every step of the way through this cancer experience. He has stayed by my side, in my heart and mind, right here alongside my spirit, when all the other trauma happened from the criminals. He carefully, lovingly, strategically, left documents and things in order to protect me.

I think we can come to closure with the absence of their bodies. We can come to acceptance of this sadness and ache in our hearts, but yes, I totally agree: why ask for closure when our hearts, where our spirits reside, are still intimately entwined with those of our Beloved? Why not cherish their spiritual presence, the gift of love that they still give us, and the comfort and peace of their presence here in our hearts, where we still share spirit with them?

I think we are remarkably blessed to have this magnificent love that our Beloved shares with us still alive and fresh in our hearts, in our spirits. I am so thankful that I have had Doug's spirit with me through every day since he escaped his body. I treasure his presence, my sense of him, and that our hearts are still entwined. So, instead of saying goodbye, most mornings, I say hello.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[MartyT]

Exactly! ♥

[kayc]

Thank you, Marty, for sharing those articles. Maybe it truly is less important to say goodbye than I was thinking it was. Why ask for closure when I feel our hearts are still entwined?

Exactly! I've often wished I could have had a last conversation with George, letting him know what he meant to me (as if he didn't already know!) and wishing him well on his journey, assuring him I'd be along right shortly...but I guess he knows that and really we'd never feel closure because there is no ending with us!

[mfh]

fae, I so agree with you. Bill is always with me...no need for good-byes. Today I spent time in the town where Bill and I started our married life together. The friend I went with knew and loved Bill and as I showed her our home, ate where Bill and I ate, chatted with a woman who served on the zoning board with him etc....we ended up at an ice cream place that Bill and I loved and his presence there was so powerful that it was like he was part of our conversation. I could feel his hand and arm and see his smile. It is still that powerful hours later. Why would we want to say good-bye?

Now I also know that being able to speak to our beloveds as they leave or to be with them is a huge gift that many do not get to have for so many reasons....and we end up as some here have wishing we had been able to say good-bye. I truly believe that when that happens, our beloveds know it and hear our very thoughts...even if we are not in the room with them when they die. We are all connected. We are one and physical proximity, I think, has little to do with our beloveds feeling our presence and knowing our thoughts. That said, I know it is satisfying to all of us if we can speak and be heard at the time of death. It is just not essential, imho.

[Wifflesnook]

Wonderful thread. I feel as close to my Pete as I can be, given that I'm on the earth and he is, where? I have had experiences which have helped me to feel near him. The latest is this one:-

Ellie was helping me clean my earrings which I haven't worn since Pete died. One pair is special. It's the hare earrings that he gave me. The hare is very special indeed. Anyway Ellie cleaned them and they lay together on the cloth near the centre of the table. Suddenly there was a noise on the floor. We looked down and there was one of the hare earrings. I just cannot see how it got there. I think Pete moved it.

The Leaping Hare

By Jan Crowther

A silver hare

A present from you

Whilst I was looking elsewhere

Leaped from the table

Onto the floor.

Was it a message?

Somehow did you

Make it leap?

One of your favourite

Symbols?

I don't know

But I feel you did.

You haven't left me

Alone in this earthly world.

Somehow, when you can

You send me messages

Of hope and love,

My darling Moonhare7.

My beloved

Pete.

Written on 30th August 2014

[mfh]

This is lovely, Jan.

[MartyT]

♥