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Still, Confused, Mixed Signals After Break Up


Elicamacho

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If Yall could have the time to read this long story, but pretty much all necessary... it would really help

So this is a continuing of my last post of confused boyfriend, now ex.. She has broken up with me 3 weeks ago with several very different reasons. at first the night she broke up with me, the night of her dads funeral, she said to me she cannot be in a relationship right now. she doesnt want to keep treating me the way she was (yes she wouldnt want me to touch her, and she acted very irritated of my presence of just being there for her.) i ask her if this has to do with ryan( a guy she had history with and has been hanging with him more) she said no, that she just cannot love, she doesnt feel anything and she just cant be in a relationship. but she kept telling me she loved me so much, she cared for me so much and she didnt want to stop hugging me, she then said this could be good for us, then i said i will wait rachel. but she then said no, i dont want you to wait on me, keep an open mind. but in my mind, i knew i couldnt she is and was the best thing that has ever come into my life. theres nothing that hurt more than the first two weeks. i had nightmares and still have them for 3 weeks. she also said i dont want you to stop texting me, or hanging out. it confused the heck out of me. how we were so perfect. and in an instant, over. she even gave me a promise ring, devoting her love to me no matter the trials.and ever since the resons have been changing, i asked how she feels towards ryan and she said her feelings for him never faded. i was furious. then 2 days later she texts me asking me why my dad wanted to talk to ryans dad, the pastor of my church, he never did by the way. and two days after that, she emailed me telling me ryan has nothing to do with the break up. bull crap. posts she would be tagged in showing her with him with their little group. now she has been spending the night at her freinds (liz) ever since the passing. then i text her why she emailed me which ultimately led me to ask her the true reason of the break up and she said she couldnt love me the way i needed to be loved. we didnt talk for another 4 days then she texted me again telling me theres a soccer ball id like at walmart, i ignored the text, then two days later she texts again telling me shes trying to maintain a friendship. i then said well ts not tht i didnt want to.. she started being all mad like i didnt want to be friends then she said i just dont want to loose the friendship she had. she said i was a big part of her life and she didnt want to loose that. i said okay i didnt want to either, so we were talking a bit, how life has been, how she has been, she is still struggling (been 3 weeks) then she asked for help with her car.. i try and reach out and i told her ill halp after work, this was the day after we talked and we agreed id check the car out after work at ten. then she said ive missed you. don't think i haven't because i have. i said i did too. this started giving me hope and the she said she was sorry for what she did to me. she told me she loved me so incredibly much but says i deserve more then she promised me this: that i am destined for greatness and that i deserve an immeasurable love weather it be by someone else OR BY HER AGAIN big hope there. i told her pretty much the same thing then she said God had truly created a wonderful guy and im glad he brought you in my life. ,y hopes were so high now, i felt like we could get back now, so im at work the next day and she comes by, but she come up to the register to tell me her brother helped and she didnt need my help. wow, went to the restroom and broke down. i was so hurt, my heart dropped and i was shaking so much when i saw her. it hurts even remembering. but she then texted me it was good to see you, you looked good Eli. THEN THAT BROUGHT MY HOPES UP AGAIN. i texted her the same then she texts back i do miss you. and i said i miss you too. and then she said do you really? and i said i do. i felt so heartbroken at this point. then she sent me a video, that we always laughed at together. im so much more broken then when i was. i was doing better but this just confuses the heck out of me!! please help anybody, i want to know what i should do.. i feel like there is something there.. all i want is her happy and even more, her back into my life.. she hasn't even given my stuff back! she is still holding onto it all!

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I am sorry you are going through all this. After they break up, it's common for them to do this yo-yo thing where they confuse the heck out of you, almost like they lead you on and then pull back. It's very hard on the one being dumped! I went through this with Jim after we resumed communication...I finally had to put a protective barrier around my heart and not let him suck me in because I knew he was confused and as long as he was confused, it couldn't work. In the four years since, he has not tried to get me back! I think that's key to know, because had I let him just keep reeling me in just to hurt me again, it would have sent me over the edge.

I think she made herself clear when she broke up with you. I think that is what she honestly felt and that's what you have to go with. Just because she's giving you mixed messages now does not mean she's changed her mind or anything has changed. It serves only to hurt you. I don't respect them doing that but then they are confused and in this state are not good relationship material for anyone! They haven't figured themselves out.

Perhaps this wouldn't have happened if she hadn't had loss but the fact is, she did and she is not and will not be the same person again. High impacting grief changes one forever.

Just because they think they're better off without us doesn't mean they don't reminisce...but neither does it give us hope for getting back together. It's highly unfair of her to put you through this. I think you need to be honest with her and tell her what it does to you when she's back and forth about things. What does your friends and family tell you?

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My friends say I have to move on with myself, and that I need time to focus on myself. My family says that as well but they tell me if she is the one for you, she will come back. My mom especially would tell me we still love her but I hate the things she's doing to you. Rachel said in one text all the good things I was to her. How I was always there for her and she was the luckiest and happiest girl for 11 months. But she still gave me that hope of her promising that I deserve a much greater love that is immeasurable weather it be by someone else or her again. Which just puts me in the same hole. She didn't text me yesterday, and through all of this she has been the one texting me this whole time. It's so sad letting that person go but still having some hope. I haven't thrown away anything and I don't want to. She still has some pictures of us on her insta so I guess she doesn't want to let go. I just want her so bad but I'm so confused. Should I reach out to her? Or should I just be silent and wait? I don't want to force anything I just want to know. She does seem very confused. Saying she misses me and only two weeks later she tried to talk to me. This is so so hard. What should I do. I'm trying to be tough and move on but it's so hard to move when I have this hope and all the memories in my head. She seems so happy with everyone else but when she finally went back to her house she realized she misses me. I've given her so much and she would have to get a big box to put it all in. I just feel so weak. I don't know what to do.

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As long as she is confused, you do not have hope. As long as she says one thing, then another, you do not have hope. You only have hope if she addresses why she's responded as she has and gives you consistent cause to believe and trust in her and your relationship again.

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I know it is, I'm sorry. She may be messing with your emotions, but may not be doing so intentionally. She may have a difficult time seeing the effect of her words on you, that's why I think it's time for an honest talk with her about what it's doing to you to hear different things. Of course the most important thing is what YOU decide to let her do to you. You alone can protect yourself.

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When Jim broke up with me, it was by Fed Ex while I was at work. I packed up his stuff and took it to his place the next morning, leaving it with his roommate. Then he went dark on me for 2 1/2 months. There was no exchange, no talking it over, no face to face. When I found out his mom died, I made a sympathy card and mailed it to him. The next evening he called me after he got it. It is in the weeks to come that he confused me, talking this way, that way, I tried to follow his lead but he'd do an about face, it was killing me, my emotions were all over the place. It is then that I decided no more. I put a wall around my heart to protect myself, so no matter what he'd say, my heart wouldn't quit beating, my hopes wouldn't go up, I wouldn't react to what he said, I'd be even keeled and THINK and go with my head. I knew the only way we could ever make a go of our relationship would be if he first dealt with how he'd treated me in his break up. I knew I'd have to have a definite explanation, something that I could understand. I knew he'd have to build back the trust that he'd dashed. And I knew, knowing him as ineffectual and not one to deal with things, that that would not likely happen. Not that it wasn't possible, but just that it wasn't likely. I accepted what was and there was never any doubt in my mind that I wanted to continue to be his friend. I find him a person of value, someone I'm glad I know, someone I care about, someone who is incredibly funny, someone I can talk to and tell anything in my heart to. To me that is not a person to just throw away, but a person to enjoy having in your life. But NOT good "relationship" material, let alone husband material. To this day he tells me he meant everything he'd told me, that he'd planned on marrying me, etc. That he'd snapped when taking care of his mom and grieving her impending death. That he hadn't been able to focus on anything else. So why hadn't he just taken a break? Why hadn't he talked to me about it? Why was I the only one shut out in his life? I will likely never get an explanatory answer. I have had to accept what is and do what I need to do that is in MY best interest. That is the only way I know to survive.

Others have handled their situations differently. Some continue the yo-yo-ing of the heart, which impedes their healing. Others have gone dark and moved on. Some went dark for a time and later became friends. The only thing I can say to that is friendship will ONLY work so long as you are both honest with yourselves and do NOT "hope for more". A person cannot hope to change the other person, or manipulate into a desired response, it will not work. But if you can accept and respect their decision and make boundaries that are good for YOU and adhere to them, then I can see a possibility of friendship, IF the other person wants that too.

Good luck to you. Sometimes you find that friendship isn't a "second prize" at all, but actually for the best.

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I wish I had a symbol for an exasperated face to put here! :wacko: I guess this one fits. You have to wonder about their head space sometimes...

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