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My Dads Last Few Minutes... Burned Into My Mind.


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So this is my second post here, and you guys are great. it really helps and makes me cry but I need that, as Ive been having a hard time crying. Ive been wanting to but they wouldnt leave my eyes.

Anyway, I lost my dad almost 3 wks ago and I cannot let go of the face he made right before he passed. Its faded and doesnt sting as much but it still breaks my heart.

I held my dads hand all the way until he passed and I know he knew I was there because he squeezed my hand, he was just so drugged on morphine that he couldnt keep his eyes open.

I hadnt ever seen my dad cry about him having cancer, the entire 3.5 years but once he found out he had 6 mos, he cried. And all he said was that he was sad to leave me and didnt want to.

He finally told me a week before he passed, how miserable he had been. I never realized how hard it must have been on him and he never ever told me how sick he felt and it breaks my heart. I know he did that for me and he didnt want me to worry. I would go to his house crying and he would comfort me and tell me that it would be okay and that i really shouldnt worry. I finally told him that if he needed to go, he could because he had been through enough and he looked miserable. And a week later, he did.

I had to drive from my college town to my hometown the night before and I told my mom to make the hospital do everything they could so he wouldnt go before I got there. She told him to hang on and he did. He was awake and the first thing he said when he saw me was that he loved me.

fast forward to his last hour. He had been intubated and i elected to have it removed because he was fighting it. Like I said, I know he knew i was there because i was holding his hand and he squeezed it reassuringly. seconds before his last breath, his face crunched up in pain, into what i think was a crying face. it wasnt his normal "in pain" face but it was anguish.

It broke my heart and I really want to know what it was. I want to know that he wasnt in physical pain when he died. I feel that he was sad he was leaving me but he needed to. my bishop explained it like this "you know when you are lost and scared and you see your parent and they 'save' you? and you crying because you are relieved? i think he did that because he saw Christ."

that really helped me but its forever burned into my mind and i just want to know that he wasnt in agony before he died :(

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My dear, I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the painful memories you describe.

Most of us are not familiar with the dying process, and many of us are not present at the moment of another's death ~ most especially that of a beloved parent.

Fortunately there is a hospice nurse named Barbara Karnes who has devoted her life to educating us about the dying process. As she states on her website, "For the last 30 years all of my patients have died. I will be sharing observations and ideas that I have gathered from working with people in their final months of life."

I invite you to visit Barbara's blog and read some of the articles she has posted there, as I think it may reassure you about what you witnessed in your dad's dying moments. (See http://bkbooks.com/blog and scroll down to read the informative material you will find there.)

For example, she writes:

"In the one to three week time period before death a person enters what I refer to as labor. That labor is harder on us the watchers than it is on the person who is actively dying. The person who is dying is so removed from their body they are not experiencing it in the same way that we, the watchers, are perceiving."

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That is so true. I took care of my dear MIL for nearly three years as she died of cancer. It took over her body, bit by bit and she took it with the most absolute grace I've ever seen anyone muster. She suffered but she was stoic. Her thought was on us, her children and grandchildren and her husband. We had to give her permission to pass. When we were cleaning up after she passed, I found a tooth in her bed...it had rotted and fell out, yet she never once said a word about it. I think they must somehow view pain differently, after a time, and of course, the morphine was ever present. But they learn somehow to press through the pain and "just be". I learned so many lessons from that dear lady, she wasn't just my MIL, she was my best friend. She had made peace with life and was ready to meet her Maker and receive her reward. The important thing is they are out of their suffering, out of their pain, it is all passed now, and all that is left is good.

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A father’s love, dear one ~ parents love their children unconditionally and it sounds like your father loved you very much. Being able to squeeze your hand and tell you that he was “sad” to leave you I’m sure took all his strength to do so.

With your dad being on morphine most of his physical pain was being taken care of ~ the faces he made was probably muscle reactions. Once the body starts to shut down we do not feel many of the same things one would feel if we were simply going through an injury.

I am so happy that you were able to spend the time with him that you did. I am happy that he stayed conscious for you so you could say good-by. Giving someone permission “to go” is very important to the one dying. What a blessing that you did that. I’d like to think that your dad was being given enough medicine to control any pain he may have had during his last hours. I am so sorry for your loss.

I noticed that Marty wrote about Barbara Karnes, RN and her knowledge about dying. I so agree with Marty. Barbara’s booklets have helped me understand the dying experience. I hope you find and read some of her writings. The one I like is: titled "The Dying Experience" from her booklet Gone From My Sight.

Anne

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My dear, I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the painful memories you describe.

Most of us are not familiar with the dying process, and many of us are not present at the moment of another's death ~ most especially that of a beloved parent.

Fortunately there is a hospice nurse named Barbara Karnes who has devoted her life to educating us about the dying process. As she states on her website, "For the last 30 years all of my patients have died. I will be sharing observations and ideas that I have gathered from working with people in their final months of life."

I invite you to visit Barbara's blog and read some of the articles she has posted there, as I think it may reassure you about what you witnessed in your dad's dying moments. (See http://bkbooks.com/blog and scroll down to read the informative material you will find there.)

For example, she writes:

"In the one to three week time period before death a person enters what I refer to as labor. That labor is harder on us the watchers than it is on the person who is actively dying. The person who is dying is so removed from their body they are not experiencing it in the same way that we, the watchers, are perceiving."

Marty, Thank you! I love this blog and if I didnt have reading to do for school (ugh! but its for my dad!) I would read it all night. Ive spent the last few evenings on this site and it truly helps me but not my grades (lol).

When I get a chance, Im going to purchase a book.

And so far, I really agree with her. I feel that my dad wasnt in his body anymore when I saw him in his last hour or so. My aunt roused him and he squeezed my hand and moved his eyebrows when we spoke but I think he was in and out. The nurse, bless her sweet sweet heart, kept reminding me that his body is broken but that his spirit is alive and well and I truly feel that I felt him in the room.

I cant thank you enough for the links and I will read them when I get the time :)

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That is so true. I took care of my dear MIL for nearly three years as she died of cancer. It took over her body, bit by bit and she took it with the most absolute grace I've ever seen anyone muster. She suffered but she was stoic. Her thought was on us, her children and grandchildren and her husband. We had to give her permission to pass. When we were cleaning up after she passed, I found a tooth in her bed...it had rotted and fell out, yet she never once said a word about it. I think they must somehow view pain differently, after a time, and of course, the morphine was ever present. But they learn somehow to press through the pain and "just be". I learned so many lessons from that dear lady, she wasn't just my MIL, she was my best friend. She had made peace with life and was ready to meet her Maker and receive her reward. The important thing is they are out of their suffering, out of their pain, it is all passed now, and all that is left is good.

I definitely agree because my poor dad. he went through it with no complaint. He would say he was sick and stuff but that little jerk(not being mean but he was ornery lol) never told me that his urine was coffee colored or that he was THAT sick and I was almost blind to the level of sickness he was at. I keep being told that we have no right, and they are saying this as gentle as possible, to ask them to stay longer in that sick body. I miss him but I do not want him back in that body. So giving him permission to pass but very hard but that helped me. He also told me that he would welcome death and that really opened my eyes.

I cannot believe you found a tooth! Omg! My poor dad had 6 teeth, he was going to get dentures and such but then he got cancer and it was pushed to the back burner. He never really used to take his pain pills until his last day and he never ever complained so I do agree when you say, they just "be."

What part were you saying was true? The fact they never tell us or the Christ part? And yes, reminding myself and being reminded that he is all better now and in a place where he never has to feel pain again really helps.

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A father’s love, dear one ~ parents love their children unconditionally and it sounds like your father loved you very much. Being able to squeeze your hand and tell you that he was “sad” to leave you I’m sure took all his strength to do so.

With your dad being on morphine most of his physical pain was being taken care of ~ the faces he made was probably muscle reactions. Once the body starts to shut down we do not feel many of the same things one would feel if we were simply going through an injury.

I am so happy that you were able to spend the time with him that you did. I am happy that he stayed conscious for you so you could say good-by. Giving someone permission “to go” is very important to the one dying. What a blessing that you did that. I’d like to think that your dad was being given enough medicine to control any pain he may have had during his last hours. I am so sorry for your loss.

I noticed that Marty wrote about Barbara Karnes, RN and her knowledge about dying. I so agree with Marty. Barbara’s booklets have helped me understand the dying experience. I hope you find and read some of her writings. The one I like is: titled "The Dying Experience" from her booklet Gone From My Sight.

Anne

I feel so blessed that I was given a man who loved me so much. Of course parents love their children but feeling his love the night he passed is what helped me sleep. I, too, believe it took all his strength to do that because he only did it twice but as I said above, I really feel that he was in and out of his body. I never really thought about the fact that as our bodies shut down, we dont feel the same pain. Thank you for showing me that. Its comforting to hear that and to think that they gave him enough morphine to take the pain away.

I do truly feel blessed that he waited for me and that I was given the months before to be with him and show him how much I love him.

I will definitely look into those books since two of you have vouched for them. I think they will give me comfort and help me move on from this little painful spot.

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When I said that was true, I was referring to the last statement I read before I posted:

"In the one to three week time period before death a person enters what I refer to as labor. That labor is harder on us the watchers than it is on the person who is actively dying. The person who is dying is so removed from their body they are not experiencing it in the same way that we, the watchers, are perceiving."

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KayC, Im glad that you feel that its true and its so comforting to know that. I was reading the book that MartyT suggested and it really helped. I actually like the fact that they arent completely in this world. He was always with it when I talked with him but he slept a lot and we never bothered him when he slept because we knew he was comfortable.

I am so happy I got to be there with him too and I hope I helped him like you said Maria.

I definitely love him and sometimes I wish I could have loved him just a little bit more. He used to tell everyone he knew about me :wub:

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that really means he was so very proud of you :) My mom would tell everyone about my siblings and myself.. and I know she was very proud of her children. You have a wonderful angel now watching over you. The experience of losing your parent has changed you, am I right? Initially I mourned the fact that my life felt so different after losing my mom.. I wanted to go back and feel that innocence again of feeling invincible.. I was so naive about death prior to this.. one gift this has given me is to never take anything for granted.. life is so short and precious.. and you were able to send your father off onto his next chapter.. not many are right by their loved ones sides as they pass.. I am glad I was able to experience that and be with my mom during her last moments.

take care.

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