Grief Compounded With Clinical Depression

[lizparker]

My partner, John died in February of this year after only five months with bladder cancer. They diagnosed him in August after he found blood in his urine. They scheduled a surgery to remove the bladder. All reports came back positive that the cancer had not spread. He was put on chemo as a precaution. After about 2 months he was showing significant weight loss. We went back to the doctor and they adjusted the chemo meds. He continued to lose weight and all told in 3 months lost 40-50 pounds. When we went back the final time he had developed a large mass on his abdomen where the incision to remove the bladder was. His prognosis went from hopeful to very little chance of survival. On January 18th I put him into hospice where he died two weeks later.

I have suffered from depression for quite some time but it has been under control for many years.. Of course the grief of losing John came. I took an LOA from work to deal with my ongoing depression and anxiety. Over the course of this time, I developed a very strong friendship with a woman from work. She has kept in close contact nearly daily. Lately, she isn't calling every day, and has started to go out on dates. To make a long story short, I've developed severe anxiety that she is going to leave me. I have become so obsessed with this thought that I can't sleep or eat. I have to say that I am seeing a psychologist and doctor, but I just wonder if anyone else has become very attached to someone since the death? The loneliness is exhausting. I left my job because I can no longer function. Thankfully I am able to take some time off to get this all straightened out.

[kayc]

I am so sorry for your loss. It is still fairly recent, so it's understandable you're having a hard time with it. Yes there have been others that have developed an attachment after such a loss, almost a needy dependence on someone else. The problem is, it's hard for the other person to handle it. It'd be good if you can develop balance and boundaries with the help of your counselor. You say you're seeing a psychologist and doctor, but have you seen a grief counselor? Do you feel they're helping you?

You've found a safe place to be here...we're just ordinary grievers like you, but we've been through the gamut with it and you'll find people here who understand and listen. I hope you'll continue to come back.

[MartyT]

Hi Liz ~ I'm glad you found us too, although I'm so sorry for the reasons that brought you here.

I must say that I agree with Kay's statement that when we're grieving, no matter how strong the friendship, over time a needy dependence on a friend can be very hard for that person to handle.

As I write in my article, Grief Support: When Others Fail to Meet Our Expectations:

Unlike a therapeutic relationship (whose focus is on the client and the client’s needs) a friendship is a “two-way street” that, in most cases, requires us to give to the other as much as we get back. Like a good marriage, if it is to last, a close friendship requires fairly constant tending, and also requires that we overlook each other’s faults and shortcomings. In short, maintaining a close friendship is work, and sometimes it can be harder work than we may be capable of doing at the time, given the circumstances in which we find ourselves.

We all know that mourning is hard work, too, although of a different kind--but work nonetheless, and it requires a great deal of energy, most especially in the beginning. I suspect that when we are in the depths of grief, we have precious little energy left over to invest in our friendships. Over time, I think, our friends begin to notice this, and some of them may not be willing to put more into maintaining a relationship with us than we are able to give back to them.

Such “fair weather” friends may take a vacation from us and come back later when the weather’s nicer and they think we’re better, or they may abandon us completely, never to be friends with us again.

If we find that others are not there for us in the ways that we need them to be, we may not have the energy or the will to confront them effectively about that right now, and we may want to look elsewhere for understanding, comfort and support.

Like Kay, I'm glad to know that you are seeing a psychologist, and I hope he or she is familiar with the normal grief process. See, for example, Seeing a Specialist in Grief Counseling: Does It Matter? ~ including the Related Articles listed at the base. ♥

[mfh]

Liz, In addition to Kay and Marty's valuable insights, I would like to add that our neediness and loneliness after loss of a spouse (whether we are male or female) can often lead to a marriage that often is premature and ultimately fails. The best way to deal with our loss is to walk into the pain of it and that includes walking into the loneliness of missing that person. That does not mean we don't need support because we do. Grief is not something we can do alone. But it is wise also to be aware that some relationships are not helpful in the healing process.

I agree also with Marty about making certain your psychologist is trained in the grief process. You have found a safe place where you will get support and solid input from people who are walking this journey. I am glad you found us.

[kayc]

Good point, Mary...I did that, and when you're grieving you need to be aware that your judgment isn't always sound and you're more vulnerable. That's why it's good to bounce things off others, close friends, here, grief support, etc. It's also good to wait for major decisions. I married 1 1/2 years after the death of my husband...not nearly enough time to know what was up or down! The truth is, no one else can be responsible for making us feel better, not a friend, not a new husband or BF, not a relative, no one. WE have to work through our grief, there's no avoiding it, but to go straight through it, pain and all. Pain scares us so we tend to run from it, we want to make ourselves feel better whether it's self-medicating through people or pills, alcohol, etc. But we have to experience and deal with our pain to get through it. In the end, all the avoidance in the world will do no good...it will be still waiting for us when we come to.

[feralfae]

Amen, Kay.

Dear Liz,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I know you are still in a fog and that your heart must ache so very much from being broken by this loss. I leaned very hard on several friends and office mates the first year after my husband Doug left. I felt entirely broken, but was not "doing the work" of the grief process much. I was seeing a grief counselor when I could drag myself out of the house and to her office. She is now a good friend, and I check in with her once every six months or so just to catch up.

Lean hard on your grief counselor. Find a face-to-face support group if you can find one that suits you. Talk to your spiritual advisor. Come here and let us hold your heart and help you find strength, courage, and the blessings of this journey.

I hope you have good friends or friendly acquaintances that might become friends, and that you can call on them once or twice a week, each. I kept a diary of who I called what day when my anxiety was really bad, so I would not try to talk with the same people incessantly. What helped most was keeping a journal, and I often wrote six or seven pages a day when I was feeling really anxious or fearful. Take your time, and you will heal. Marty and Mary have wonderful tools available, but we will pitch in when we can.

Watch happy movies! I think I have watched Hook ten times, and Nanny McPhee at least twenty for each one. And Auntie Mame at least thirty times these past 33 months. It helped me to escape the pain for a few minutes, and that helped.

It was not until I found this wonderful place almost a year later than I was able to really begin to walk the journey with awareness of the process, and to begin to not only heal, but to find and use tools that helped with the healing. Take your time. This place is rich with resources. Be patient and gentle with yourself. Be as compassionate as you can with yourself. Sometimes, it helps to put your hand on your heart and feel compassion and love for your heart. Take some deep breaths, and gently pat your heart. It can help.

Come here often, and we will listen and we will understand. This is a journey of three steps forward, two back, and some days, one back and one forward. But overall, there is progress, even if it does not feel like it from where we sit in the midst of our broken lives. We often call this the roller coaster. It is that and more.

Blessings and Peace to you,

fae

[kayc]

Good idea, fae! (keeping track of who you've called). Although I remember most people just disappearing on me altogether, some here have had the opposite experience.

Come here and post any time you want. There are people in different time zones so usually someone will come on line soon.

[mfh]

Kay, yes, I agree with what you said. I made some not so great decisions after Bill died. Luckily they were small but still not great.

[ohsosad]

I would love to find a counselor who specializes in grief but I don't know how. I'd have to call every therapist in the phone book to ask if they work with the bereaved. The one therapist I went to some months ago was a disaster. I have been seeing a pastor who works with hospice and it's been helpful, but I'm still wishing I had a therapist with a bent toward grief. Any suggestions?

RIta

[mfh]

I would suggest you call the nearest Hospice center. They should have the answer. If one does not, call the next closest to you. Also go to ADEC.org at this link and enter your location. Anyone listed there is a trained and certified grief counselor. http://www.adec.org/source/FindAThanatologist/index2.cfm?section=Find_A_Thanatologist Let us know if that worked. Good for you for doing this.

[feralfae]

Rita, please do let us know when you find a grief counselor. Meanwhile, we are all holding you in our hearts as you go through these very tough days.

Blessings to you, dear Rita.

*<twinkles>*

feralfae

[MartyT]

Rita, my dear, I hope you'll follow Mary's good suggestions.

The following is taken from my article, Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You:

How to Find Grief Support in Your Own Community

• Call your telephone operator or public library and ask for the numbers for your local mental health association or your local suicide prevention center. Either agency will have good grief referral lists. You need not be suicidal to get a grief referral from a suicide prevention center.
  
• Use the Yellow Pages and call hospitals and hospices near you. Ask to speak with the Bereavement Coordinator, Social Worker, or Chaplain's Office to get a local grief referral. Many hospitals and hospices provide individual and family grief support to clients for up to one year following a death, and offer bereavement support groups to the general public at no cost.
  
• The Association for Death Education and Counseling maintains a searchable data base of certified thanatologists (professionals with specialized education and certification in dying, death and bereavement whose professional responsibilities include working with the dying and / or bereaved) to help you find a grief therapist or counselor in your geographic area.
  
• The National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization maintains a database of hospices for each state in the United States. To search for a hospice in your own community, click on Find a Hospice Program.

[lizparker]

Thank you for all the insights. I appreciate the different ideas and viewpoints. First off, yes my therapist is a well-known grief counselor in our area. She has been my therapist for several years and has been quite helpful. As to my relationship with my friend, she and I had quite a long talk the other day and we were able to discuss our feelings about our friendship. She did tell me that she was feeling overwhelmed by my depression and stress but that she still loved me and she has called me a few times since. I told her that I understood and would give her the space and "spread my sadness" around so she wouldn't get all of it laid on her. I am hoping that our friendship can weather this storm and I believe it will. I have not gone to any grief groups. I have had less than helpful experiences in the past because I am somewhat of an introvert and don't like sharing my feelings too much with strangers. There is a series of grief workshops coming up that I may try. For now I will continue to check out this forum.

[feralfae]

Liz,

This is a great place for introverts, and for those of us who just feel better having a place that is open 24/7, and where we are all pretty much on the same journey.

I am glad you have a good therapist. And how wonderful that you were able to discuss the dynamics of your friendship with your friend. That is what makes real friendships, I think—being able to talk about them in a healing way. Probably true for all relationships. Have you looked at the resources that Marty and Mary offer on their web sites? They each have a lot of information, links, articles, interviews, and more helping material on their pages.

I hope you are talking time each day to plan and take good care of your body. And that you are getting enough rest. We tend to harp on those things around here sometimes.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

Rita,

Any luck with finding a grief counselor?

I hope you can find one close by.

Peace to you,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Liz, I agree with all that fae said. I'm so glad you were able to talk with your friend openly.