Is This Denial? Shock? Just Plain Grief?

[sharirouse]

So I lost my dad on September 7th and I still cannot believe hes gone. I know its only been 3 weeks but I feel so lost. I cant wrap my mind around it. Im numb to things and I feel like I wander around aimlessly. Im back at college and working on assignments but no motivation. I just want to lay there and sleep or get lost in a movie.

I feel like Ive aged 10 years in the past 3 weeks and I am so...lost. I feel like I lost a limb. My mom says I am in despair but I am so numb.

He got diagnosed with cancer when I was 17. I never thought about it, pushed it to the back of my mind and adamantly thinking "ill think about it later." he was in the hospital for 2 wks after we found out and he got his tumor removed because he gave up for a bit. I just ignored it. Chemo made him sick and he was always cold and I ignored it. I remember talking to my mom and brother a few months ago and them saying they didnt think he would make it another ten years. I was so mad at them. he was fine! he had to walk me down the aisle and meet my kids. He would be there for that and for my college graduation. He had stage 4 cancer but it was just a number.

I finally started crying when we found out he was terminal and two months later he had 6 mos to live. I woke my mom up at night cause i was scared. I drove to his house at night because I was sad. it finally came out and then a month later he died.

Why did i deny it so long? i think its why I didnt spend all my time with him. I thought he would be there. I needed him to be there. He had to be there. He was my dad and he wasnt ever aging and he wasnt sick. He was fine.

How do I get through this? I miss him and I am mad I never accepted it but I was scared. i remember thinking something at night "Ill deal with it when he dies." well here I am. it caught up with me and theres nowhere else to go.

[kayc]

Our bodies have a way of shielding us from what we can't or aren't ready to handle, and that's called denial. It hits us all differently and for different time periods, but it hits us nonetheless. Sometimes its until we absolutely can't deny it any more because it's so blatant and right in our face and there's no denying it any more. It's not your fault you were in denial, it was beyond your control, it was your body's defense mechanism. But you DID acknowledge and face it before he died, thank heavens for that! Maybe it was just for one month but that's all the warning some people get. I didn't even get that, my husband had a heart attack and I didn't get warning, he wasn't in the hospital with it until the weekend he died and even then he didn't level with me about how serious it was...perhaps he was in denial and didn't want to believe it. I don't think he knew himself until the night before he died.

Death is hard no matter how or when it comes, whether we get warning or not, whether we acknowledge it or not. The fact is, our life will never be the same again. We have so much adjusting to do to learning to do life without their physical presence. There are all of the secondary losses, like getting married or having kids and not being able to share that with our parent. My nephew just proposed to his GF, my mom won't be here to attend their wedding...she wasn't able to attend my son's wedding because of her progressing dementia. It's like life is going on without her and that's so hard to understand when she's always been there. I'm sure you feel that way about your dad. I lost my dad when I was pregnant with my first child. It was a double edged sword because the impending birth was something to look forward to, a great distraction and hope, but at the same time, he wasn't there to share in it. I've felt like there was a hollowness in my life because my dad missed most of it...he wasn't there to witness anything in my life. He's been gone for 32 1/2 years now. My kids didn't get to grow up knowing him, but I've tried to bring him to life to them, telling them stories about him, telling them how much they would have loved him...how much he would have loved THEM! I know he would have loved teaching my son his carpentry skills, and how proud he would have been of his engineering skills and intelligence and quick wit. How much he would have adored my daughter and her dimples and personality! She would have wound him around her finger. These are the things I've conveyed to them so he's not just a picture on the wall of someone they didn't know. You can do the same thing when you get married and have kids...tell your husband and children stories about your dad, bring him up, let them get to know him through you. I think they know what's happening in our lives...I don't have any proof, it's just something I've always kind of felt.

[MartyT]

My dear Shari, I can assure you that you are not in denial, nor are you in despair. What you're describing is sheer, raw grief, and this is exactly what it feels like.

The fact that you minimized your dad's serious illness while it was happening is not unusual, especially for someone as young as you are, with (I assume) little if any past experience with significant loss. As a young lady in high school and then in college, your focus was understandably elsewhere, and you needed to believe that your dad would be okay. It is only human to hope for the best when those we love fall ill, and to believe that they will get well and always be with us.

I don't know what if any bereavement services are available at your college, but I want to introduce you to a marvelous resource for grieving college students, in case you're not aware of it. The National Students of AMF is "a network of college students supporting college students who are grieving the illness or death of a loved one." According to its website, since its founding in 2006 the organization has helped over 3000 students on more than 200 college campuses. I don't know if there is a chapter on your campus, but I hope you'll take some time to explore its website, which includes all sorts of resources aimed specifically at your age group and your particular set of circumstances.

Trying to keep your focus on your studies when everything in you wants and needs to take time to mourn the loss of your father is an enormous challenge, and one that you don't have to face alone. At the very least, we are here for you and will walk beside you as you travel this difficult journey. ♥

[sharirouse]

Our bodies have a way of shielding us from what we can't or aren't ready to handle, and that's called denial. It hits us all differently and for different time periods, but it hits us nonetheless. Sometimes its until we absolutely can't deny it any more because it's so blatant and right in our face and there's no denying it any more. It's not your fault you were in denial, it was beyond your control, it was your body's defense mechanism. But you DID acknowledge and face it before he died, thank heavens for that! Maybe it was just for one month but that's all the warning some people get. I didn't even get that, my husband had a heart attack and I didn't get warning, he wasn't in the hospital with it until the weekend he died and even then he didn't level with me about how serious it was...perhaps he was in denial and didn't want to believe it. I don't think he knew himself until the night before he died.

Death is hard no matter how or when it comes, whether we get warning or not, whether we acknowledge it or not. The fact is, our life will never be the same again. We have so much adjusting to do to learning to do life without their physical presence. There are all of the secondary losses, like getting married or having kids and not being able to share that with our parent. My nephew just proposed to his GF, my mom won't be here to attend their wedding...she wasn't able to attend my son's wedding because of her progressing dementia. It's like life is going on without her and that's so hard to understand when she's always been there. I'm sure you feel that way about your dad. I lost my dad when I was pregnant with my first child. It was a double edged sword because the impending birth was something to look forward to, a great distraction and hope, but at the same time, he wasn't there to share in it. I've felt like there was a hollowness in my life because my dad missed most of it...he wasn't there to witness anything in my life. He's been gone for 32 1/2 years now. My kids didn't get to grow up knowing him, but I've tried to bring him to life to them, telling them stories about him, telling them how much they would have loved him...how much he would have loved THEM! I know he would have loved teaching my son his carpentry skills, and how proud he would have been of his engineering skills and intelligence and quick wit. How much he would have adored my daughter and her dimples and personality! She would have wound him around her finger. These are the things I've conveyed to them so he's not just a picture on the wall of someone they didn't know. You can do the same thing when you get married and have kids...tell your husband and children stories about your dad, bring him up, let them get to know him through you. I think they know what's happening in our lives...I don't have any proof, it's just something I've always kind of felt.

i like that our body shields us but man, it sure feels like a rug was pulled out from under my feet and i have that sudden huff of shock when i fall on my butt!

I am lucky enough to have faced it ahead of time and i am blessed that i got a warning! im so sorry you didnt get warning and im sure my dad was in denial for awhile but he accepted it long before and he was ready, he just hung in there for me. sometimes i wonder if it would have been better to not have a warning because the idea just looms over you every second of every day but without the warning, i dont think we would have had the emotional time to connect and such before. I was so far into denial that i thought he would make it passed the 6 mos mark but that could be more disbelief that anything. i am turning 21 in october and im not excited. im sad he wont be there because i was coming home for my birthday and the week before that i have 2 days off of school so i was wanting to spend time with him. i know its going to be hard not having him there but ill definitely keep him alive through stories and such. actually ive been in contact with his 2nd ex wife, my mom was number 4, and she is willing to tell me stories about him. i feel weird but she knew my dad when he was young so why not. he always told me that if i kept him in my heart that i would see him in Heaven and this was way before he was sick. he also used to tell me about how his dad would have loved me and he passed way before i was even thought of so i know about him and ill just do what he did. i guess its just hard because im a girl too and we always want to imagine our dad walking us down the aisle but i can have my mom do it. i think they know too because i can feel his love and i ask for it when im really upset. at least now he can be there for everything and hes in a place where nothing bad can touch him.

[sharirouse]

My dear Shari, I can assure you that you are not in denial, nor are you in despair. What you're describing is sheer, raw grief, and this is exactly what it feels like.

The fact that you minimized your dad's serious illness while it was happening is not unusual, especially for someone as young as you are, with (I assume) little if any past experience with significant loss. As a young lady in high school and then in college, your focus was understandably elsewhere, and you needed to believe that your dad would be okay. It is only human to hope for the best when those we love fall ill, and to believe that they will get well and always be with us.

I don't know what if any bereavement services are available at your college, but I want to introduce you to a marvelous resource for grieving college students, in case you're not aware of it. The National Students of AMF is "a network of college students supporting college students who are grieving the illness or death of a loved one." According to its website, since its founding in 2006 the organization has helped over 3000 students on more than 200 college campuses. I don't know if there is a chapter on your campus, but I hope you'll take some time to explore its website, which includes all sorts of resources aimed specifically at your age group and your particular set of circumstances.

Trying to keep your focus on your studies when everything in you wants and needs to take time to mourn the loss of your father is an enormous challenge, and one that you don't have to face alone. At the very least, we are here for you and will walk beside you as you travel this difficult journey. ♥

to be honest, this was my first death to deal with. I have never dealt with death except for when of my dogs was hit by a car and my mom told me about it like 3 days after so it was done with by then. I am glad i can put a face to grief, as odd as that sounds. i just feel so strange because i cried more when a boy broke my heart than right now and it kills me. i think i am just floating around here and my thoughts just swirl in my head. if i didnt have a body i feel like i would just float away into oblivion. it makes sense that my focuses were in different areas but that fact is what is giving me so much trouble right now but seeing it written out before me makes me have a different view on it, in a weird way.

i also feel like that is the hardest part of growing up is knowing that we age. our parents age. they get sick. grief is such a pain in the butt. especially accompanied by adulthood.sadly the nearest chapters are in neighboring states but im also looking for a grief counselor and i will keep posting here as i find it so beneficial. it makes me feel so much better and i love that i can post anytime because night is when grief hits me. late at night especially. i am so so so happy i found this site and i even recommended it to my friend who has been helping me. <3

[sharirouse]

I forgot to post this initially but are all losses different? I was reading someone elses post, kayC i actually think it was one of yours, but they said that she felt like no one knew her pain. I know i am not the only one who has lost a parent but i do feel like no one understands my circumstances. I mean that could be due to the fact that i am so grief stricken but do they all differ?

[MartyT]

A very wise man once wrote that the worst grief in the entire world is the grief that you are experiencing right here, right now. That's just the nature of grief. And it is absolutely true that no one can really understand your circumstances or the magnitude of your loss, Shari. That is because everything about you: your personality, your history, your relationship with your dad, your life experiences, your way of handling things ~ all of that, and more ~ is unique to you. You are the only person who lives within your own skin. We all can try our best to place ourselves in your shoes. Those of us whose fathers have died may know what it feels like to lose our fathers. Some of us have experienced the loss of a spouse, or that of a child, or a sibling, or a best friend, or a beloved companion animal. Many of us have experienced other kinds of loss, simply because we've lived life longer and losses begin to accumulate over time: loss of a job, loss of a home, loss of a dream, and so on.

Several of us have done a whole lot of reading about what is normal in grief, and some of us have studied it and gone on to specialize in grief counseling. Still, none of us can know exactly what each of those losses represents to someone else.

You may find this article to be of interest: When Grief Seems Insignificant by Comparison ~ and see also the links to Related Articles at the base of the post.

[kayc]

Yes all losses seem different and tears aren't necessarily a measurement of our grief because we all handle it different and cope different and different losses affect us differently like if they're part of our everyday lives, and all of the secondary losses affect it too. Try not to worry about how you grieve or don't. To each person their loss is the most significant. We can relate to each other but our experiences belong to us alone.

I don't recall saying that because I do think the people here know what I feel like, but someone here may have said that.

[sharirouse]

Its possible you had commented on their post but oops!

I just dont allow myself to be as sad as I want or need to be because I tell myself "it could be worse." and actually no. the loss of anyone is horrible. and I am allowed to feel how ever I want.

I cried on the couch the other day and my roommate just let me sob and it was very nice in a weird way

[kayc]

It IS good to get it out, to allow yourself to grieve, and I'm glad your roommate understood that. I wish you well with the studies, I know it has to be challenging to go to school while you're grieving because it requires so much of your brain and function. I think you'll make it through, and you'll do it for your dad...and for yourself.

[sharirouse]

That was a great article and I think i need to start reminding myself that. It IS sad, I CAN cry for as long as I need to. I can weep whereever because its loss. I think since I am young and people are so selfish and such that I feel that I shouldnt be that way because I dont want to be a "burden" or insert reason here but they are different. They are! And I am glad too! I like that I can just sit there and cry and they let me do my thing. i know its hard to comfort people but that shouldnt be a reason for me to hold back these emotions.

And thank you! it is challenging because I am so tired and just want to get lost in something rather than focus because its hard to! My dad is my driving force here and not finishing school wouldnt help at all. I can do it!

I just wish I could focus more. I lost my mind for about two weeks and its coming back but that first week, I would get physically lost. Now i just cant concentrate. Maybe coffee with help lol

[MartyT]

Yes you CAN do it, Shari. I was two weeks into my graduate program when I got the call telling me that my father had died, suddenly and unexpectedly, from heart failure while he was making a house call. The shock and sadness were overwhelming. But after his funeral I was determined to work on my studies and to do so in his honor. That does not mean that I didn't take time to mourn or to do my grief work ~ but it did offer me a way to keep my mind focused and gave me even more determination to complete my program. When I wrote my thesis two years later, I dedicated it to my father. And several years later, after my mom had died also, I started my Grief Healing website and dedicated it to both my parents. Do what will make your dad proud of you. I can think of no better way to honor his memory than that ♥

[kayc]

I agree! When George died, my focus was lacking at best but I went back to work within two weeks, even coming in to do payroll just a few days after he died. It was hard but I did it, and looking back I think work keeping my mind occupied several hours a day was my salvation. I don't know how I'd have dealt with it if I hadn't had that then.