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Lost My Dad And Now I Am Totally Lost And Confused


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Hi to all, I was searching the internet today for forums or discussion group that can help me in my grieving process. I talked to some close friends here, but sometimes I have the feeling that they could not relate to me...so I decided to search over the internet for persons who have experienced the same loss that I had and that they may be able to help me with it.

As you see, my dad died 4 days ago, it was the 6th of October. I am very close with my dad.... I am currently working in another country, together with my mom.

Let me share to you a little bit of my Dad.

He was diagnosed of VHL last June 2014. He had his left kidney removed almost 10 years ago, because there was a mass and had metastasized in the nearby spleen...the kidney was removed and all the lymph nodes there...he has no complaints after the surgery....later on after a couple of years however there was a mass on his right eye. My dad was too afraid to undergo surgery because of his heart conditions, then last June 2014 he was admitted to the hospital, he has problems with his balance and gait and seems lethargic. A CT scan was given and the doctors found out that there are tumors on his brain.

I still remember the time, my younger brother called me over the phone telling me about my dad's situation. I was crying at work.

Then on that same month, me and my mom had requested for a vacation (she was working in another hospital and so am I).

We went home.... all those 30 days were spent with my dad, going to the doctors and going to places he wanted to go. We even made a surprise birthday party for him last July 8th. He was really happy that time.

I went back to work after 30 days, leaving my dad to the care of my older sister. So is my mom 15 days later. We usually talked to my dad over Skype, but there are times that his memory is fading but he is still my good old dad...He is usually joking or make a funny story to my mom :)

Then this 1st week of October we have our Hajj Holiday for 5 days and me and my mom went to Dubai for a vacation.

We received a call from my sister on the 4th of October that my dad was taken to the hospital, he was already unresponsive. His vital signs started to deteriorate. On the 5th of October, my sister called me and told me to talk to my dad. It was really a struggle for me. I could not control my tears while talking to him,...all I know that he can still hear me, even though he could not reply back....I told my dad that I will go to my country next week.

Then on the 6th of October, we received a call early morning that he was already gone.

It was really difficult to accept the fact that he was gone. I know that he had this disease and that any time he will be taken away from us. My dad died of an Acute Subarachnoid hemorrhage, there was a brain aneurysm due to the pressure of the tumor to his brain (as what the doctor had explained to my brother).

Now, I am totally lost. I do not even know how to console my mom. I have all this thought in my head and I do not know what to do with it. I cry all of a sudden and be normal at times. Most of my friends here are not from the same nationality that I have....I talked to them at times but there is an urge for me to isolate myself (I do not know if this is normal or this is the right way to do?)....some of them wanted to talked to me over the phone but I do not have the guts to talked to them over the phone because I know that I will broke down...I had done it twice and I was crying all over....to some friends, I was just talking to them via Whatsapp....now I will be having my duty this coming Sunday and honestly I dread meeting a lot of people.....

I will also be processing my papers so I can go home by Thursday next week (I hope everything runs smoothly with it) I requested for a 15 days leave and my Boss approved this leave.

I do hope that some of you here might be able to shed some light on me....if what my behavior now is normal? I really miss my dad and the loss that I experienced had resulted to an emptiness in my heart....I have some questions in my mind....I do hope that you can share to me your guided advice.... why is it that I have this feeling of running away? that the only place that I feel secure is my home, which is a thousand miles away..... why is it that I feel that I need to look for something and I do not know what it is or I do not know what I am looking for?..... why is it that I have the urged to isolate myself to my friends and sometimes I feel that I am a burden to them? and I really dread them Questioning me "How are you?" because I know that I am not OK.....these are just some questions hanging on my head....

Thank you once again for this group and that I was lucky enough to find this site. I do hope that you can help me...I am totally lost and confused :(

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“Thank you once again for this group and that I was lucky enough to find this site. I do hope that you can help me...I am totally lost and confused.”

I am so sorry that you lost your Dad on October 6th. Of course you are “lost and confused” and being in another country has to be an added burden.

Your post paints a picture of your Dad being ill for a long time. The love you showed for him comes through. It is understandable that you are lost and that you breakdown when talking to friends. Your grief is so raw and what you will be doing for a time will be to attend to things that have to be taken care of at the moment ~ funeral arrangements, paper work, and supporting other family members as best you can.

What you are experiencing is very normal. You ask many questions at the end of your post. There are no set answers to questions we have when we lose someone dear to us. Each one of us grieves in our own way. In time you will sort out all those questions and you will come up with your own answers. This takes time and work.

Right now, you will allow your own feelings to be what are important. Care for yourself and listen to what is in your heart.

This place is a very good place to come to and share your thinking. We all understand what it is to lose someone dear to us.

My heart goes out to you during this time.

Anne

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I am so very sorry for your loss. You have found a safe and helpful circle of people who will support you in this journey through grief. You said:

"Now, I am totally lost. I do not even know how to console my mom. I have all this thought in my head and I do not know what to do with it. I cry all of a sudden and be normal at times. Most of my friends here are not from the same nationality that I have....I talked to them at times but there is an urge for me to isolate myself (I do not know if this is normal or this is the right way to do?)....some of them wanted to talked to me over the phone but I do not have the guts to talked to them over the phone because I know that I will broke down...I had done it twice and I was crying all over....to some friends, I was just talking to them via Whatsapp....now I will be having my duty this coming Sunday and honestly I dread meeting a lot of people....."

I want to assure you that the great consolation you can give to your mom is to listen with compassion and invite her to talk about her feelings. You can do the same for yourself...share your pain and feelings with her and share them here. Your mother can also become a member. There are many of us here who have lost our husbands/wives/partners/ Your friends most likely just do not know what to say to you just as you do not know what to say to your mom. I hope you can summon up the courage to talk and cry with them when it feels right to do so. We seem to get very squeamish about shedding tears in front of others. This is a journey each of you will take (you and your mom ) together at times and apart at other times. She lost her husband and you lost your dad and so there is much sharing that can be done but because the relationships are different some of the pain just can not be understood by other people. Everything you said in your post is normal behavior following a loss.

Here is a link to one of Marty's articles that will lend some understanding. http://www.griefhealing.com/column-understanding-the-grief-process.htm

I also urge you to go to various topics here and learn more about grief. Do return and share your journey with those here. You will receive much support.

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My friend, please accept my heartfelt sympathy for the death of your father. I am so sorry for the reasons that brought you here, but grateful too that you were “lucky enough to find this site.” I hope that you will find great comfort and understanding here. You’ve asked a number of questions and, as Anne so wisely said, the answers will come to you in time, as you discover your own way through this experience of grief. Still, I’d like to offer you some information that I hope will be helpful to you as you go along.

You asked whether your behavior now is normal. Please know that grief is not an illness ~ it is a NORMAL response to the loss of someone dearly loved. Because each of us is a unique individual with our own personalities and past experiences, as well as our own individual relationships with the person who has died, we each will have our own unique reactions to our losses. Still, there are many aspects of grief that are common to everyone, and if you’ve had no prior experience with significant loss, you probably don’t know what those are. That is why it helps to do a bit of reading so you’ll know what normal grief looks and feels like. Like Mary, I too invite you to read Grief: Understanding The Process (including the Related Articles and Resources listed at the end).

You also asked why you have “this feeling of running away? that the only place that I feel secure is my home, which is a thousand miles away.....” When you think about it, it is perfectly understandable that at a time like this, your heart is pulling you home ~ especially if home represents a place of safety and security to you. When we lose a loved one to death, it can feel as if our world is falling apart, because all that we have known up to now has changed drastically, and it will never be the same again. That can be quite frightening, and it is only human to want to run away from that.

You said, “why is it that I feel that I need to look for something and I do not know what it is or I do not know what I am looking for?..... “ Grief plunges us into a state of confusion and disorientation, because our world has been turned upside down. It can leave us feeling very “crazy” and alone. But feeling crazy and alone does not mean that you ARE crazy and alone ~ it only feels that way. As I said earlier, grief is not a mental illness ~ but it surely can feel that way.

You asked, “why is it that I have the urge to isolate myself to my friends and sometimes I feel that I am a burden to them?” When we’re in mourning, it helps to surround ourselves with others who are mourning, too ~ because there is a certain “knowing” among the bereaved. That’s because we “get it” ~ You don’t have to explain to anyone here why you’re feeling as you do, because we’re all in similar circumstances. The individual details may differ, but we all know what grief looks like and feels like because we are grieving, too. We've all been where you are now. Unless your friends have experienced the death of a father, they simply cannot relate to what you’re going through ~ at least, not in the same way that those who’ve lost a parent can. Certain friends may “be there” for us in all the ways we need them to be, but that is not always the case. And, as you say, with friends we often worry that if we’re not our same, jolly old selves with them, they’ll soon tire of being around our sadness. See Grief Support: When Others Fail to Meet Our Expectations

Finally, you said, "and I really dread them Questioning me ‘How are you?’ because I know that I am not OK.....” That, too, is normal. See In Grief: Responding to “How Are You?”

I hope what we've said to you so far will ease your anxiety a bit, dear one. And I hope you will take comfort in knowing that by being here, you are among some of the most caring and compassionate people you will ever hope to meet. We will not let you walk this path alone.

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I am so sorry you lost your dad and that you have to wait to go home to your country, I'm sure you wish you were there already. Yes your response is normal. We go through all kinds of emotions when grieving, some of them can even conflict but all of them are valid and normal. I hope you don't isolate from your friends too much, perhaps you can explain to them that you want them to still be in your life but right now you are struggling and need to find your way. Maybe touch base with them now and then. Meanwhile, when you can, perhaps you can see a grief counselor.

You've already received great responses here, I don't have too much to add except for a few things that helped me when I was grieving the loss of my husband.

1) Try to stay in the present, not think unduly about "the rest of your life without your dad"...it's natural to have those thoughts hit, but when they do, remind yourself to stay in today, it is enough to deal with for now.

2) Take good care of yourself. Eat healthy, take walks, try to get enough sleep, maybe see a doctor if having problems sleeping or functioning normally.

3) You are working and sometimes the workplace isn't understanding or well versed in grief. It helps to "hold it together" or compartmentalize at work, but allow yourself to grieve, cry, yell, whatever when you are off work...try to find a place you can be alone to do so, even if it means taking a drive to the country to let it all out.

4) Express yourself. I felt like my power was stripped from me when my husband was taken from me without my say so, and expressing myself gave back some of that power. It's important to express what you are feeling and have a safe place to do so (this is a safe place where people understand, they've been there).

5) You may need to be there for your mom, but also remember YOU are grieving and to take care of YOUR needs, she will find her way as well.

6) Remember that your life just changed and from this time forward you will have a "new normal", it will take some time to discover what it is and how to live with it.

7) Be patient and understanding with yourself, you are going through a lot and it is quite an adjustment.

I wish you the best as you are trying to get out of the country and will have arrangements to attend to.

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Im so sorry and I definitely know your pain. Lost my dad Sept 7th due to liver cancer and his birthday was June 8th, they sure sounded similar lol

And your responses are completely normal! Im actually going through it too and ive been there and done all the stuff you listed above in the past week!

Cry and scream and do whatever you want. I feel like I am a burden or making people feel awkward when I talk about my dad or how I feel but you know what? We NEED to let it out. I actually just talk out loud to myself sometimes. Do what you need to do and let grief come out however it needs to as long as its safe.

I wanted to die there myself for awhile so dont feel bad about wanting to run away and such. I felt like I wanted to hug every old man I saw too! So maybe you are looking for comfort or something to do because I wandered around there for awhile not knowing what I was doing.

These ladies above have really helped me so read the things they recommend and then find something that works for you :)

I know its hard to console your mom but I cried with my mom. I was just there and I blubbered by her and didnt say anything but it helps to do that and then laugh about things that were funny about your dad!

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Thank you very much for all the heartwarming messages. To Miss Anne, Miss Marty, Miss Mary, Miss KayC and Miss Sharirouse. I am truly blessed to meet each one of you here.

I have started reading the links that you all have provided and I am grateful for all your advises. I also started to continue writing on a blog, I started it last June 2014, the time I received the news that my dad had vascular tumor on his brain. It was the first time my family received the news. So me and my mom hurriedly went to my home country and stayed with him for a month and we spent his birthday last July 8th.

Me and my mom currently working in one of the hospital here in Saudi Arabia. The first day of our workday starts at Sunday.

So today is the first day that I met most of my colleagues and some friends.

It is difficult for me to interact with them because I get teary eyed but then I can see compassion in their eyes.

I now know from you guys that these are all normal. I am trying my best to interact with some friends and not to isolate myself.

I am processing my papers right now so I can go home to my country at the end of this week.

I will continue reading topics and discussions on this site and I will continue interacting with you guys and will search for some other people like me here.

Thank you once again. :)

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I'm glad to hear what you are doing, how you are handling it. One thing I forgot to mention on my list is some people try drowning their sorrows with alcohol...it doesn't help, it just worsens things as it's a depressant, so I thought I'd mention that just in case of that temptation.

I know it's hard for guys to sometimes show emotion like tears, but with grief, it's allowable. It doesn't make you less of a man, it doesn't make you weak, it's a necessary part of grief. I think of it as a release valve on a pressure cooker. If you have ever seen anyone can something, you build pressure inside the pressure cooker, but there's a point where you have to release some of the pressure, if you don't, it would explode. That's how we are with grief and the tears can be healing and definitely a release.

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Good Morning Dave,

I am happy to hear that you are writing on a blog. For many of us this is a very helpful part of our healing. Writing down our thoughts helps us sort out feelings we may have and prioritize those feelings as we go along this grief journey ~ remembering all the time that feelings come and go and this journey we are on takes as long as it takes.

You mentioned that you spent time with your Dad before he passed. This has to give you some comfort. Both you and your mom will continue to give each other support. I am glad that you will be taking more time off from your work to begin to process that your Dad is no longer with you in his physical presence.

Your colleagues will show sympathy toward you but they will not really understand what you are going through. Tears are all right in grief and there is no need to hide them. If you need to be alone take that time ~ sometimes isolation is necessary. We do whatever we need to do to deal with our loss. There is no right or wrong way.

Reading to understand grief will help you with questions you have. Losing a parent is a very big thing as is losing a spouse.

I would like to point you to an online e-course that I found very helpful after my husband of forty years died. This is a guided e-course led by our moderator, Marty, who knows about grief and guides us to a better understanding of the grief process.

Its content is general and the additional links are very helpful to one who is grieving and I think may be helpful to you since you work out of the country.

The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey

http://www.selfhealingexpressions.com/course-52.html

I have to smile when I reread my post to you because I find myself saying what others have been saying to me for the last two years! I actually believe what I say.

Anne

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