Being Overwhelmed Most Of The Time

[bluelady]

This is my first Christmas since my precious Jim passed away in October. I am still in the very raw stage, where I cry at almost everything. I have forced myself to be busy during this season, because after the new year, I will be all alone again. Right now I have several invitations and I have responded positively to all of them. I have never been a social butterfly, as Jim and I preferred to be alone, to enjoy the company of one another. I used to rush home from work and look forward to weekends, just so we could spend time together. Now I dread both, as coming home to a dark and empty house is not pleasant. I miss him more now than I did a month ago and my love for him grows ever deeper and more powerful each day. Last week, I was shopping for Christmas cards for Jim's kids, who live literally, around the world. I wanted the cards to be special. While looking, I glanced down and saw the most beautiful card, which said "To the Love of My Life". I picked it up and read the words and they said everything that I would have wanted to say to him, so I bought the card, knowing he would never see it, he would never read it, but I could still write a few lines of my own on the inside and read it aloud on Christmas morning, pretending to read it to my beloved. I know this may sound strange, but I really felt good about buying it for him. He would have loved it so much and probably would have bought one just like it for me, since we were so much alike (or maybe we had just become ONE). He was always calling me at work, just to say "I love you". Now, I have no hope, no plans, no dreams, only an empty, lonely life. I miss him SO much and suppose I am still in denial. It is so hard for me to believe that he is gone and will never be with me again.

This site has been a real God-send for me. I keep it up throughout the day and read the posts. Although I may not post often, I have read almost everything posted since I joined the group, as well as most of the articles. Thanks to all of you, who help us with our journey of grief and who don't judge us or ask us to speed things up. I doubt I will ever be able to be grief free. I can only have a little hope, that one day I can make it through an entire day without crying crocodile tears.

[MartyT]

My dear, you said "Last week, I was shopping for Christmas cards for Jim's kids, who live literally, around the world. I wanted the cards to be special. While looking, I glanced down and saw the most beautiful card, which said "To the Love of My Life". I picked it up and read the words and they said everything that I would have wanted to say to him, so I bought the card, knowing he would never see it, he would never read it, but I could still write a few lines of my own on the inside and read it aloud on Christmas morning, pretending to read it to my beloved. I know this may sound strange, but I really felt good about buying it for him."

What you're describing is truly a lovely plan for your Christmas morning, not strange at all ~ and it touches my heart. Rituals such as these can bring great comfort to you, and I hope you will find ways to incorporate many more of them into your life.

You may find this article to be of interest: Creating A Grief Ritual: Love, Loss and Continuing Bonds, by our dear friend Elaine Mansfield. ♥

[HisWife]

Kay, my bd is 12/18 and my son's is the 19th. I pray your surgery goes well and your pain is relieved. Sue

[shalady]

Bluelady, that is beautiful to get your Jim a card. What a wonderful way to honor him at this special time. I hope you will draw some comfort when you write your special message. Our life will never be the same but the love we share will never change, no one can take that away. I believe my Bob sends me signs, maybe just connecting, maybe just makes me feel better or maybe I'm crazy. I too have a few invitations. I plan on going, just hope I can do it. I still take one day at a time so I will wait until the day arrives and see how I feel. I've decided it is ok to put me first and hope others understand. Peace and comfort to you.

Sue, I agree with Kay. You could let your children know how you feel. If you are like me, taking one day at a time, everything beyond today is too much pressure. Try to do what is best for you. We spend our lives taking care of everyone, right now we have to take care of us. I've decided this is not selfish of me.

[feralfae]

I think many of us will be around here, on our forum, here around our healing fire, and we can share on Christmas day some of the beautiful rituals we have discovered, created, or invented to help us through this day. This will be my third Christmas without Doug, and I am not doing anything at all. I am happy to be alive and here with all of you, and I will share some of my own rituals for the day, and will be here a lot of the day to read your words and spend some time among us as we honor and cherish the Love that continues to flow from our hearts, and to our hearts, as we make it through this day of celebrating Birth and Hope.

It will be a good day for journaling, for sharing, for lighting a candle, for reading a card or a poem, and for comforting and validating each other. That is why we are here. We can gather around Marty's fire and warm our hearts, share our day, and toast each other as we continue this healing, caring, gentle, compassionate journey of grief. On holidays, we have special memories to share, and here will be a good place to share some of them.

So, I will be around here on Christmas Day, and hope you will join me for a little while if you feel so moved. I am so grateful to have had Doug as a part of my life. I am so very grateful for the gift of his love. Of Our Love. I am grateful for our years together, and for the days of joy. This year, I am going to focus a lot of some of the happier days we had, on the happier winters before he got sick, and on the delightful times we had playing in the winter cold of Alaska. I will bring some little stories and maybe a few photos to share. We can share the gift of beautiful memories with each other on Christmas day, and we will not be alone.

Namaste,

fae

[shalady]

Fae, Hope you are feeling better each day. Yes, I will be joining you and look forward to your sharing stories. This is my first without my Bob. He passed away late September so not sure what I am doing from one minute to the next. I get so much comfort coming here each day. I don't always post, some days just able to take it all in. I am very glad you are at home and surgery is behind you now. Take good care of yourself.

[shalady]

Today is three months since I lost my beloved husband. It seems like days not months. I cried all day today. I am drained and exhausted. I miss him so much. I can't think of anything else but him, his handsome face, his smile. When I come home it seems to scream "empty" in here. Everything reminds me of him. Life is so precious, so short.

[feralfae]

{{{HUGS}}}

Oh, dear one, I know how it hurts. Three months is just a few days compared to a lifetime of loving and sharing. I am so sorry that it has been an exhausting day for you, but I am glad that you were able to cry and release some of the loss.

Yes, life is short and precious, and when we are caught up in the living of our days, in loving and sharing, and in being with our Beloved, we are caught in the beautiful flow of life, made sweet with the love that we share. When we lose our Beloved, I think time stops, we step out of the flow as we begin to rebuild our broken hearts and shattered lives. It takes a while. It takes a long time. I found myself crying this morning after I talked with our beautiful Goddaughter who was Doug's favorite girl. She is married now and has a beautiful little girl, and I cherish every moment I get to share with them. She and her husband leave for several months in India soon. He is a Sikh from Amritsar, and has businesses here and there.

But nothing can or will replace Doug, and so I am finding special places in my heart to carry him, while I begin the slow, slow process of finding out who I am becoming after almost three years of living without Doug.

I am glad we will be here on Christmas Day. I think I will start a Yule Log thread that day, and we will share beautiful memories and some of our rituals. But for today, I know your heart is still broken, and that nothing is going to fill the emptiness you are feeling right now.

But every day, even though we cannot feel or see it happening, some tiny little cell of our heart is mending, and the love we have is helping us to go on to the next day, the next hour, the next moment. You are doing a beautiful job of walking your grief journey, and we are here to walk with you and help to carry your grief.

I am sending lots of love and lovingkindness as well as warm thoughts, and of course, some

*<twinkles>*

fae

[shalady]

Thank you Fae, it means so much when someone understands and knows these feelings as their own. It is mind boggling that our lives can turn upside down so fast. I am glad you were able to speak with your Goddaughter. She must be so happy that you are feeling better. How wonderful that she has a little girl of her own. I wish they didn't have to be so far away, but with all the technical advances you should be able to keep in touch. My good friend has a new granddaughter and she is just beautiful. She is a pleasant reminder that all is still right in the world, just not my world right now. A Yule Log thread is a great idea. I am sure many will want to share in that. Thank you again for listening. I again wish you well as you recover. Take good care, gets lots of rest.

[annew]

Overwhelming fear and sadness and pain again. I don't think I will ever really heal, it all seems so hopeless. I just don't want to go on with "my life." My life feels over to me if I ever had one in the first place. I talked with a counselor over the weekend and I actually feel worse now....

[kayc]

Anne,

I'm sorry you're feeling so down...you will have many ups and downs in this journey. Some days will seem okay, others you will crash. Yes, your life as you knew it is over, but your life itself is not over and you will be able to get through this. Do you think talking with a counselor brought up stuff or was a trigger? Give the counselor 2-3 tries, if he/she isn't right for you, try another one. I'm sorry, I wish I could give you a big hug!

[annew]

Thank you, Kay. It's very hard to accept that this is my life now....I don't really want to accept it. My friends are my only family and they do the best they can but I am alone so much and I don't really feel much like just going out to go out. I am a very purposeful kind of person and I don't like doing things just for the sake of proving I can do it. It does not make me feel better. What makes me happy really is getting the daily life accomplished and for the most part it is. The counselor got me in touch with feeling ashamed of how I feel, how much fear and pain I am in still every day, so it keeps me from reaching out as much as I could. I feel abandoned and then I isolate myself. Counseling is a process, so we will see where it goes. And I agree, if it doesn't work I will find another. Thank you for the hug, even the intention feels good....

[kayc]

Oh Anne, My heart goes out to you, I remember all too well, like it was yesterday, how I felt when my George died. I was frantic, scared, pacing, heartbroken, I didn't know what to do, where to turn. Unfortunately, someone preyed on me, pretended to be a good listener, pretended to care, and I married him...he was a con, and he stuck me with $50,000 of his debts and it further added to my demise...in the end I had compounded grief to deal with, I didn't avoid anything! I hate that there are people in this world that would take advantage of someone's vulnerability...in the end, it left me feeling embarrassed about my stupidity, and feeling guilty for having married him. I got out of it as fast as I could, but I will be paying financially the rest of my life. Every day that I struggle for food to eat and gas for my car, I am reminded of my mistakes. I know my George would be the first to understand and hold me, if only he could. It all seems like a nightmare from which I wish I could awake...but cannot.

Fortunately, I have learned a great deal, not only about the kind of people there are out there, but also about my own strength and ability to stand in adversity. I've suffered job losses since my husband's death, and health issues, the loss of my mom recently following her journey with Dementia. And through it all, I know my George is here with me. I look forward to the day he can put his arms around me again, and we'll at last be reunited.

In the meantime, I look for good in each day, try to live in the present moment to experience life to it's fullest now. I've learned that life has it's phases, and my time of raising children, working, having my beloved husband here, is past...but my life isn't over yet, and I try to find purpose where I can and be content with good moments. Nothing compares to the joy of having my beloved George with me, that was the happiest time in my life, but I do try to carry on, I know he'd want me to. The kids are grown and gone and now is their time with their spouses, my youngest is expecting a child come May...everything I did in life is now what they are doing, and I am now entering my mom's phase, older age, life alone. I wish she was here to talk to, I know she'd understand.

This site has been here through it all, I don't know what I'd do without these dear people here...we're part of a tribe that cares about each other, we are each other's sounding board, we take care of each other, it helps so much, and I hope you find that true for yourself as well.

[shalady]

I am new to all this, just lost my husband three months ago, so I am not offering advice, just my own experience so far. I too do not like this "new" life. It is not life but merely existing at this point. I am unhappy most of the time. I cry every day several times a day. I miss my husband. Sometimes I forget he is gone, as if he is going to call and then I realize he is gone. I haven't tried counseling yet but I want to, need to. I went to a Christmas party last night and pretended to have fun. Didn't want to make people uncomfortable. Went home and cried. Everyone here says things will be better. They have been there. I listen to what they have to share. Keep coming here. I wish you peace and comfort.

[MartyT]

Anne, my dear, if there is one thing we know how to give to each other here, it is hugs ~ and virtual ones are our specialty. ♥

[kayc]

shalady,

And hugs to you too! there are so many new ones going through this right now, I wish we weren't separated by miles. We're all a post away...

[enna]

I bookmarked this several months ago because I liked some of the ideas. For those of you still new in your grief you might find this helpful.

20 Things I Wish Someone Told Me About Grief

BY SHANNON KAISER
SEPTEMBER 25, 2014 5:29 AM EDT

It’s unclear which pain is worse: the shock of what happened, the immediate loss or the desperate ache of trying to pick up the pieces and move on.

The hard part is nothing you can say or do can make the pain of loss any better. It just sits there in your life. It happened, but you are helpless.

It happened fast, without notice. This week, my family lost one of our beloved members; my Mom and Dad’s chocolate Labrador retriever died suddenly.

One minute she was prancing around in the yard. Seconds later, she was dead. That’s the thing about death. It takes its victims when we least expect it.

Losing a loved one cracks your heart open and leaves you exposed. You’re never ready to say goodbye. Ever. Yet it's a very real, natural part of life.

The thing about death is no matter how prepared you are, it will always shock you. The grieving process has a way of showing us what we're really made of. The more you loved, the more painful the passing. Death, tragedy and loss allow us to go deeper into our souls and see what we value most. It’s not always a bad thing.

Even so, I wish someone told me what to expect. But until you're in it, you can’t understand. From my heart to yours, anyone who is grieving, or getting through a loss, a break up, divorce or death of a loved one, this list is for you.

1. We don't actually get over losses. We absorb them, and they redirect us into a more grounded way of living.

2. You'll discover depths of your love you never knew existed.

3. Never regret loving the way you did. Love is always worth it.

4. People may say hurtful, stupid things. Don’t take it personally. They are often just trying to help.

5. There isn’t always a spiritual aha moment or a reason. Sometimes, it just is what it is.

6. Know you did the best you could with the time you had. Forgive yourself. There is nothing more you could have done or said.

7. Anger is normal. Feel it. Embrace it. Allow it to work through you.

8. Death brings out the best in families. It will also bring out the worst. Be prepared.

9. Losing a loved one might make you question your purpose and your own goals. That can be a beautiful thing.

10. You will find comfort in the most unexpected places.

11. Sudden bursts of emotion are part of the process. Allow yourself to be fully present in them.

12. There is no such thing as normal when it comes to grieving. Be patient and kind to yourself.

13. People will show you who they truly are. When times are tough you will see others true colors.

14. You will never go back to being your “old” self.

15. There is no timeline for grieving.

16. Losing a loved one reminds us of what matters most in life. Don’t lose perspective.

17. Experiencing great loss is an opportunity to drop the ego and live more from your heart.

18. Numbing the pain will make it worse. don't procrastinate the process. Feel your feelings.

19. Your life was richer and more wonderful because of the love you had.

20. What feels like the end is often a new beginning.

To make sure you live your life to the fullest and have no regrets sign up for this FREE guide.

Photo Credit: Shutterstock.com

Anne (enna)

[shalady]

Thank you. It is a comforting message. I can relate to the fact that the deeper the love the greater the pain. This is so overwhelming. I am so grateful for you and all the others that share here. It helps so much.

[kayc]

Thank you, Anne.

[Elly57]

I've been following but not posting for a while. I too have had some difficulties and not wanting to add to the load. this time of year is tough. That's undeniable. I keep looking at it that if I don't do things now I'll only have to do them later. I cant avoid things, eventually i have to face them. As for counselling, i found it supportive and she validated my thoughts as I don't have anyone to bounce ideas off of but I didn't gel with the counsellor. I tried a few other things but eventually went to my doctor for anti depressants. non addictive and I shall ween myself off them in the spring in hope the brighter days will kick in too.

I've had a double loss. My ex husband has also passed away. My two children 26 and 31 have lost two dads in two months. They are so upset as you can imagine. I had to quickly organize a flight back to England for them. They had to sort out his things, set up a solicitors to settle things and they brought their dads ashes back with them. I'm so proud of them. They have been my support and now I'm trying to be the same for them too.

We have put a memorial picture for both my husband and their dad in the Christmas Tree and will light two candles to them and the friends that are coming on Christmas Eve will speak about their memory of each of them. Just a quick one line about them. After that we will have a few games and fun. I hope. My husband would really like that. He was a funny man and loved enjoying company.

I wish everyone here a good Christmas and New Year. I mean that with all my heart. We all deserve some piece of mind and LOVE in our hearts.

Elly

[kayc]

Elly,

I'm sorry you didn't gel with your counselor...I hope you'll try another, sometimes one personality just doesn't work with another, and it helps to try again with someone else. Please don't feel you are "adding to the load"...that is the good thing about this place, the load is never too heavy when shared! I have turned to this place for nearly ten years, as well as helping others here, and I'd hate to think I'm "adding to the load"...by so doing, we help others feel free to share what they are going through too.

I'm so sorry your kids have suffered two such losses in such a short time. Even with an ex, we're bound to have some feelings that surface when they die, and I'm sure it's been hard for you as well as your kids, esp. having just lost your own husband, it's like it adds to the mix.

Your plans for Christmas sound good, it helps to incorporate their memory in with the celebration. I hope you and your kids enjoy your games and can have a little respite from all the grieving.

[shalady]

I too am sorry your counselor isn't working out better. That has to be so disappointing. I am going to try a group because no one could get me in touch with a counselor, just groups. It sounds like you nice plans for the holidays. I love the idea about the pictures. I am having a very hard time too. Can't stop crying. Have to run to get a few groceries for tomorrow but can't get moving. Would love to stay in until Friday. As Kay said this is a place to come for comfort. We all help each other by listening and sharing. I come here all the time.

[annew]

Dearest Elly, sorry things have not gone so well yet. Hope you are able to find another counselor or a group may do it better for you if there are any near you. Just keep up with us here and get your support until things fall better into place and they will. I know how draining it all can be and even tougher when you reach for help and it's not working. It will come together and we will be here for you. Much love. AnneW

[Elly57]

Oh boy. I put on such a good front for Christmas Even ( when we celebrate) I didn't cook I just got finger foods. Did the washing up. had our little memorial for the loss of my husband and the ex husband, played the games, got drinks for everyone. went into another room and had a few tears then went back to act like nothing was wrong. Saw all our guests off. got to bed and here I am at 2am in the morning. Gosh it's tough pretending and very draining too. More of the same tomorrow. I cant wait to start taking Christmas down. I never, every thought I'd say that. I cant say I hate Christmas but I don't like it much at all this year. I feel like a wave of grief is setting in. I've been so good keeping going and now it feels like I cant stop the tide, from coming in.

[Elly57]

Thank you all so much for the support you have given me and continue to do. I really need that. It feels like you are all my family now. No one understands like you. I wish I could take all of your pain away and send mine away too. Why do we have to suffer like this? My heart hurts, physically it hurts.

Thank you so much. I do need support. I want to be a by stander and not the centre of attention.

Elly