My Dearest Friend Passed A Month Ago

[can'tbreathe]

She passed after a short but brutal illness. I watched her deteriorate for 2 months. She had several surges of recovery during that time, each time giving me hope that she would beat her illness and come home. Then as quickly as the recovery came, it would pass and she would crash worse than she was before. It killed me a little more each day when I went to see her in the hospital. Then she was gone. I still post on her Facebook page, and every day I expect a funny text from her, or a call from her. We used to laugh for hours over nothing on the phone, and not a day went by where we'd text less than 50 times to each other. Things happen, and I want to share them with my friend. My immediate thought when I see something funny, or when I'm shopping and I see something she'd like for her house, is that I have to share it with her. Then, the reality crashes back in and the wind is knocked out of me.

Right now, I have her dog. I took her in when she passed. The dog is depressed. I'm depressed. We seem to be depressing each other. I love that dog. Right now the dog is a comfort 50% of the time, and the other 50% she's a bitter stabbing reminder that I'll never have my best friend again.

I just want this unbearable pain to stop. I'm functional with work, my husband and kids during the day, but every night I cry. Every morning I cry some more. If I have a weak moment during the day, I cry in the bathroom some more.

She was my best friend for 13 years. My Soul Sister. Now with her gone, I feel lost

[mfh]

I am so very sorry that you have lost your friend. I know during her illness you got your hopes up and then watched them be dashed as your friend's condition worsened. I also understand too well what it is to lose a friend you were so close to, who was in your life on a daily basis and who loved you as you loved her.

I hope you can hug her dog who needs hugging as much as you do and grieve with her, shed your tears with her. I hope you have someone you can cry with and talk to during these early days of loss and grief. You are, of course, very welcome here and you will be surrounded by people who know loss well and who will reach out to you. I have lost very close friends and I do know the void created in life.

Do read posts here. They will help you to understand your feelings and learn that with work and time, they become easier to deal with and lose their raw edge. It is not just time that is needed, however, it is about walking into your pain, journaling, sharing and self care..among other things. You are welcome here and I am so sorry for your loss.

[kayc]

I am so sorry you lost your friend. I lost my husband over nine years ago and he was my best friend, I miss him every day. As I wrote in the loss of pet section, I have learned to allow joy back into my life...it is not the same as when he was here, not even close, but in learning to fully enjoy what IS, it has helped me live, whereas if I only allowed my grief, I would sure live a life of nothingness and gloom. I think they call it being fully present, as you embrace the good. Right now that's going to be hard for you to do...it will take time and practice to acknowledge the good that there is, even while missing your dear friend. We don't stop missing them, it goes on, but we do, little by little, learn to adjust. I'm hoping that for you and your dog too. When my husband died, my dog also mourned. I had to engage her and try to make her life good again to help her through it. I think your friend probably lives on, to some degree, in her dog. Not like reincarnated, but more like when we are close to someone, we take on each other, we change each other, we fill each other with love and memories, and so she continues to live in you and the dog both. I do know how hard it is...I recently lost my mom and am dealing with that. It seems our world is ever changing and some of those changes we don't like. I lost a friend yesterday morning. He needed to go, he was very very ill with ALS, but even as I recognize that this is something that needed to happen for his good, it is still very hard to accept for us who loved him. I feel like I am rambling. I wanted to reach out to you but I guess I'm still too messed up. I just want to say it gets better, you won't always feel depressed. Grief is just something to get through, to face, to experience, not to be afraid of, it's part of the cycle of life and death. It is part of my life. But it doesn't mean my life isn't good, just ever changing.