How To Help Someone Who Will Die? How Do I Deal With It For Myself?

[Steve1]

I learned through a mutual friend last night that a friend, Beth, who has been fighting cancer got told that the cancer spread to her bones, which means a cure is only a long shot hope.

I am mostly an internet friend with Beth and the mutual friend ( Cathy ). Cathy and Beth know each other in real life. All of us have communicated for decades on a web board we have all frequented. I've met Beth in real life about 2 - 3 time over the years and spent some long intense, fun, afternoons with her.

The news of her impending death really bothered me.

I lost my father suddently on August 28th of this year. I haven't even come close to recovring from it. I think not being recovered from my father's death yet may be a large part of the reason why I am so upset over the impending death of what many people would consider to be an acquaintance.

Regardless, I am upset.

I would like advice on how to handle two things

The first issue would be how I talk to and how can I help Beth, the friend who recently learned she is dying. I feel powerless, I would like to make some sort of gesture or do something to make her feel better. I have no idea what to do and I would love suggestions.

The second issue I would like help with is how to help my friend Cathy, who does know Beth in real life. She is quite upset. I don't know what to tell her. I still haven't figured out what to tell myself about my father's death or death overall.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Thank You

Steve

[mfh]

Dear Steve,

How wise of you to reach out for information on being there for your friends. I am sorry that Beth is struggling so and with her is her friend Cathy who is probably grieving an anticipated loss.

Here is a link to Marty's blog on anticipatory grief: http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2009/11/anticipatory-grief-and-mourning.html

These following articles are relevant to helping someone grieve a death but the wisdom in them is very relevant to an anticipated death also.

This first one is from USNews and World Report and quotes Marty, the founding moderator of this site.

http://health.usnews.com/health-news/health-wellness/articles/2013/08/07/7-ways-to-help-a-loved-one-grieve?page=2

This piece by Megan Devine (a therapist who recently lost her husband suddenly when he drown) and it too has pointers in it for you.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/megan-devine/death-and-dying_b_4329830.html

Keep in mind that each of these 3 pieces has links at the bottom with more information. Do return and we will be with you on this journey.

[MartyT]

Dear Steve, I'm so sorry to learn of the death of your father, and I hope you'll accept my heartfelt sympathy. It is bad enough to be enduring such a significant loss, much less having to cope with more of it to come, given your friend's serious illness. I admire your willingness to be there for others at such a challenging time ~ but I also encourage you to give yourself permission to tend to your own grief, too. By coming here, you've found a very safe place to do that.

You've asked for some specific advice, and I think you'd be wise to do a bit of reading so you'll have a better understanding of what is normal in grief and what is meant by anticipatory grief and mourning. Toward that end, I'd like to point you to some resources that may help. There is a great deal of information "out there," but the following articles may serve to narrow down your search:

Anticipatory Grief and Mourning

Anticipatory Grief and Mourning: Suggested Resources

What to Say to the Dying: A Hospice Chaplain Offers Some Insight

7 Things You Can Do When Someone You Love Has Cancer

44 Ways to Make the Day of Someone Who Has Cancer

8 Ways to Better Support Someone Who Has Cancer

As for helping your friend Cathy, you may find this article useful: Helping Another in Grief

[kayc]

You've already received a lot of links that pretty well cover it, but I wanted to add a little from my own oberservations and experience. I just lost a friend to ALS Monday, he knew he had it and that he would die from it, and has been aware of it for not quite two years. He was prepared to die and had everything in order, had a will, etc. He'd spent some time with his kids who had previously been estranged (he didn't get to raise them). He was certain of his life after death and was at peace with it. For him the struggle was in getting through each day until he was finally released in death. For those of us who knew him, we are happy for him that he is finally out of the struggle, because ALS was such a horrible way to go. Yet there is still something about the finality that hits. Knowing you won't get to see or talk to that person again...at least in this world.

Different people handle it differently. Some have a spiritual belief that brings them peace, others know no such thing. I've lost a lot of loved ones, and what I've gleaned from each of them collectively is to respect their wishes. Try to hold it together when they are dying, they have enough to deal with and don't need to deal with your grief and emotion. Assure them you'll be okay so they don't have to worry about you on top of what they're dealing with. A lot of people try to shield the one who is dying from what is taking place...I have dealt with it differently, being honest while offering encouragement. Be there for them, let them talk if they want to, or just sit silently together. Gentle hugs go a long ways. Avoidance is not helpful.

As far as someone else who is grieving...remember that we all deal with our grief differently and it helps to be respectful of their way. Let them know you're there if needed. It's okay to let them know you are grieving too. Sometimes it helps to share in it.

[Steve1]

Dear Steve,

How wise of you to reach out for information on being there for your friends. I am sorry that Beth is struggling so and with her is her friend Cathy who is probably grieving an anticipated loss.

Here is a link to Marty's blog on anticipatory grief: http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2009/11/anticipatory-grief-and-mourning.html

These following articles are relevant to helping someone grieve a death but the wisdom in them is very relevant to an anticipated death also.

This first one is from USNews and World Report and quotes Marty, the founding moderator of this site.

http://health.usnews.com/health-news/health-wellness/articles/2013/08/07/7-ways-to-help-a-loved-one-grieve?page=2

This piece by Megan Devine (a therapist who recently lost her husband suddenly when he drown) and it too has pointers in it for you.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/megan-devine/death-and-dying_b_4329830.html

Keep in mind that each of these 3 pieces has links at the bottom with more information. Do return and we will be with you on this journey.

Thank you so much, I am going to try to read those articles this weekend.

It is so comforting to know that other people have thought these experiences through and have written about them, so I don't have to start from square 1 in turbulent times or try to find the right places to start.

Thank you.

[Steve1]

Dear Steve, I'm so sorry to learn of the death of your father, and I hope you'll accept my heartfelt sympathy.

Thank you.

It is bad enough to be enduring such a significant loss, much less having to cope with more of it to come, given your friend's serious illness. I admire your willingness to be there for others at such a challenging time ~ but I also encourage you to give yourself permission to tend to your own grief, too. By coming here, you've found a very safe place to do that.

I understand. The grief counselor I saw made me understand that I need to do what I can to sheild myself from as much stress as I can and get a lot of quiet, stable time, to let myself heal.

My friend asked me directly if she could talk about our sick friend. I felt selfish when I had the thought of telling her no. Having been in the position of needing many talks recently, I didn't want to tell someone else "no".

I told my grief counselor that I was worried about becoming self centered during this process, but he reassured me that I would come out of it. He said to give myself at least a year of taking care of myself as a priority. So, worse comes to worse, next August rolls around and I used that as a flag to stop being selfish.

I have told people "no" with much more minor issues.

I think with my friend it might just be a few short calls and I am hoping by helping her, I might help myself a bit. I decided to be honest with her. If I don't have answers I will not put up a brave front and I will heartily encourage her to check out hospice resources in her area.

Thanks for all of the resources. I feel very hopeful that I will get some good stuff out of all of it. There are just so MANY books on Amazon and so many articles on the Internet. It is good to know which ones to start with.

I heard about two more deaths today too, so I can use all of the information I can get.

I am going to try to give myself quiet time again this weekend by staying in and reading.

I feel so lucky to have found this board.

Thank you.

You've asked for some specific advice, and I think you'd be wise to do a bit of reading so you'll have a better understanding of what is normal in grief and what is meant by anticipatory grief and mourning. Toward that end, I'd like to point you to some resources that may help. There is a great deal of information "out there," but the following articles may serve to narrow down your search:

Anticipatory Grief and Mourning

Anticipatory Grief and Mourning: Suggested Resources

What to Say to the Dying: A Hospice Chaplain Offers Some Insight

7 Things You Can Do When Someone You Love Has Cancer

44 Ways to Make the Day of Someone Who Has Cancer

8 Ways to Better Support Someone Who Has Cancer

As for helping your friend Cathy, you may find this article useful: Helping Another in Grief

[kayc]

I think it's essential, in grief, that we take a time to focus on our needs, I don't think of it as selfish but smart...we need to in order to get through it. Further on down the road we can be a little more "others" focused, but for now, it's good that you give yourself the time you need for your grief. It takes a lot of time and effort, reading, feeling, processing it all. I'm glad you've decided to be honest and point Cathy in a good direction...she will be responsible for dealing with her own grief just as you are yours, but it does help to have someone that cares and understands.